C23

WOW. Ok Evan, I think we are very alike. When I was growing up, I was one of the heavier kids. Once High School came around, and especially Freshman year of college, I grew out of the "baby fat" and started to look pretty good. I turned into a womanizer. I tried to get as many women to like me as I could just so I could feel better about myself. I joined a Fraternity, which automatically makes you think you are better than everyone else. I also grew up Roman Catholic, but I won't say I am an Ex one, I just have a few different beliefs now. I understand exactly where you are coming from on the whole constantly sizing people up thing. I sometimes walk around the grocery store looking at people and trying to find flaws in them just to feel better about myself. The truth is, this is all a really bad defense mechanism we have. Deep inside we have some pretty low self esteem IMO, and we like to portray something different to make up for it.

What I have started to do is try to think of the most basic life that would make me happy. I don't need to make a million dollars a year. I dont need to drive the most expensive cars. I don't need to be better than anyone else. I just want to be me. I just want to be a contributing member of society who has a nice home and a good family. I have also realized, who the heck am I to look down on anyone with all the problems I have. If you can embrace these ideas, maybe thee is hope for the both of us.

Not sure if this helped at all, but I do connect with you and understand where you are coming from.

Bamboozle

Hello, evan.

Congratulations on the sober time.

I'm still living at my parent's home...I was out on my own for about 5 years and that's when I got into drinking really heavily, so I moved home to quit. Sometimes it really sucks being here, but I'm trying to look at this as merely a pit stop in my life. I'm grateful that I have some place to stay while I try to fix my problems.

Hang in there.

masseyman

Hey Evan, you got alot on your mind friend. When somebody knows that much about themselves, the goods and the bads, says to me you've done alot of looking inward. I think that's what it takes to start to become a stronger more balanced person.

If your looking for peace....you WILL find it, it doesn't run away forever...in fact we usually run from it.

Good to meet ya.

jon

Anna

Hi

I think it's great that you recognize how your ego is complicating your life. That is something that I continue to work on in my life too. I have just re-read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle and that book is amazing. It has really helped me to identify my ego and to put it aside. Until I read that book, I didn't really realize the power of my ego. I think, because I had such low self-esteem, I used my ego and attached to things outside of myself, in order to build myself up.

Recovery is definitely a learning and growth experience.

adore79

Hi Evan, I dont really have any words of wisdom but Im glad you are thinking about these things and thinking of ways to better yourself. That post is full of great info, maybe you should print it out and show it to your sponsor and/or a therapist when you get one. Hang in there and be good to yourself. And congrats on the sober time!

CarolD

I stopped returning to drinking when I read
"Under The Influence" by Mialam and Ketcham.

You can read excerpts on the 2nd sticky in Alcoholism.

I did reconnect to God when I started AA.
I decided to use the God of love and forgiveness
I learned about in Sunday School.
Been working very well for me...

I ask my sponsees to not begin a new relationship
until they have finished their formal Step work.
Those who follow that guideline..have smoother journeys.

Congratulations on your fresh start....

endzoner

hey Evan , proud on the step forward in sharing your thinkings with others , and takin time to post it on here for others to learn , they too have the same thinkings etc .. Sometimes doing something outside our comfort zone is a big help in putting us back on earth , for example donateing some of your free time, there are so many places out there esp in NYC that can use a extra hand now and then , like a shelter for animals , or soup kitchen , something like that , its a useful tool to do some service work out side the norm , but anyways im glad to see your posting , keep it up and keep sharing with us . Luv's yah your friend Endzy

Aysha

Glad to see you posting. WHat ever happened to moving to NH?
I know I have a huge ego.
And its not in a good way. But then I think. Is it just confidance? Or is it ego?
No mine is mostly ego. I can admit that.
I think humility is a huge lesson for my ego alot of times.