Uggghhhh....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 26
Uggghhhh....
Uggh. Sometimes it feels you've come so far and yet other times only inches. I know.. progress not perfection. Part of the time I think I get that but then that dang old familiar self doubt creeps back in.
Let me preface this all with, I was married to my XAH for 14 yrs, and had completely, totally lost me. I had no self worth at all until I went to al-anon and started reading here daily. The divorce from him was final 6 months ago but he had been gone 1 yr before that.
I had met a man, wasn't sure I was ready for more than friendship but began to have stronger feelings. I was concerned that I maybe had walls of defense rather than wise boundaries (note how I doubted myself there ?) So I agreed to a relationship. I was very grounded , no pie in the sky, no fantasy, no 'potential', both feet firmly planted on the ground. Those same feet began to drag. I 'knew' something was off, I thought I was paying attention to me but I guess not as well as I should have.
The very 1st time I said to him, I was feeling uneasy in his attitude and treatment of me, it was flipped back on me. Should have been that red flag banging me in the head there but what did I do I once more took it. I kept my eyes open I just did nothing to protect me really. The next 2 months went by all about him, his needs, his life, his, his, his. If I said, ok I need anything it was blown off or I was being needy or one dang bad trait after another. There I went, sliding back down, almost losing me again.
I could feel the whirling inside that tells me I am not in a healthy place. Last week I lost it. I was that panic driven soul I had once been. I looked at him and said. This isn't good enough for me. I need actions, something that shows what I think or feel matters, I got a glare and silence. All the answer I needed.
So I was of course beating myself up for having fallen right backwards but felt good I recognized it and took steps. I am taking the time to reflect on why I let it happen, why I didn't think my needs were important yet again. I know I don't want a man in my life right now. I have enough to deal with learning to love and treat me better, raise my daughter and deal with an XAH who has returned to full blown drinking and possible coke use and how that affects her.
Then last night I get a call from someone who was the BF's friend and then mine also. Now I accept my part in what went wrong and will probably recognize more as time goes on, however he was faultless in her eyes. So here I sit today trying to make sense of it all. Doubting myself again. I don't doubt the best thing was to end the relationship, what I doubt is what I saw my behavior as. As in I saw myself slipping away becoming unimportant, that my feelings/ needs meant nothing and if I said anything I was being a bitch. Is it not ok to say I am feeling confused, you promise say, xyz but none of your actions are xyz or remotely close can you explain ? This 'friend' said that asking him for anything was putting too much pressure on him that I was pushy. Huh??? Am I missing something here ? Should we not be able to state how we feel and ask for clarity ?
I will admit to not knowing what a good healthy relationship is yet. I know I have far too go on my self discovery journey.
You all are so wise and see things clearer from the outside, looking for wisdom I guess.
Let me preface this all with, I was married to my XAH for 14 yrs, and had completely, totally lost me. I had no self worth at all until I went to al-anon and started reading here daily. The divorce from him was final 6 months ago but he had been gone 1 yr before that.
I had met a man, wasn't sure I was ready for more than friendship but began to have stronger feelings. I was concerned that I maybe had walls of defense rather than wise boundaries (note how I doubted myself there ?) So I agreed to a relationship. I was very grounded , no pie in the sky, no fantasy, no 'potential', both feet firmly planted on the ground. Those same feet began to drag. I 'knew' something was off, I thought I was paying attention to me but I guess not as well as I should have.
The very 1st time I said to him, I was feeling uneasy in his attitude and treatment of me, it was flipped back on me. Should have been that red flag banging me in the head there but what did I do I once more took it. I kept my eyes open I just did nothing to protect me really. The next 2 months went by all about him, his needs, his life, his, his, his. If I said, ok I need anything it was blown off or I was being needy or one dang bad trait after another. There I went, sliding back down, almost losing me again.
I could feel the whirling inside that tells me I am not in a healthy place. Last week I lost it. I was that panic driven soul I had once been. I looked at him and said. This isn't good enough for me. I need actions, something that shows what I think or feel matters, I got a glare and silence. All the answer I needed.
So I was of course beating myself up for having fallen right backwards but felt good I recognized it and took steps. I am taking the time to reflect on why I let it happen, why I didn't think my needs were important yet again. I know I don't want a man in my life right now. I have enough to deal with learning to love and treat me better, raise my daughter and deal with an XAH who has returned to full blown drinking and possible coke use and how that affects her.
Then last night I get a call from someone who was the BF's friend and then mine also. Now I accept my part in what went wrong and will probably recognize more as time goes on, however he was faultless in her eyes. So here I sit today trying to make sense of it all. Doubting myself again. I don't doubt the best thing was to end the relationship, what I doubt is what I saw my behavior as. As in I saw myself slipping away becoming unimportant, that my feelings/ needs meant nothing and if I said anything I was being a bitch. Is it not ok to say I am feeling confused, you promise say, xyz but none of your actions are xyz or remotely close can you explain ? This 'friend' said that asking him for anything was putting too much pressure on him that I was pushy. Huh??? Am I missing something here ? Should we not be able to state how we feel and ask for clarity ?
I will admit to not knowing what a good healthy relationship is yet. I know I have far too go on my self discovery journey.
You all are so wise and see things clearer from the outside, looking for wisdom I guess.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Good for you recognizing the red flags and getting out. You weren't having your needs considered let alone met. The right thing to do is indeed to say this isn't working for me, see ya. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't know what a healthy relationship is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I am impressed with you! You recognized this was unhealthy and it didn't take 14 years this time. You listened to yourself and you took appropriate steps. This is RECOVERY IN ACTION.
You know what you need. It doesn't matter a hoot what this "friend" thinks as this friend wasn't in the relatonship, you were. Abusive people often paint a rosy picture for those on the outside and when things don't go their way round up the troops for their own defense.
Who is this "friend" looking out for?
You know what you need. It doesn't matter a hoot what this "friend" thinks as this friend wasn't in the relatonship, you were. Abusive people often paint a rosy picture for those on the outside and when things don't go their way round up the troops for their own defense.
Who is this "friend" looking out for?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I say distance yourself from this "friend" and treat yourself for recognizing your patterns and taking action 
!! Take his or her comments as challenges to see if you have really learned to trust yourself rather than trust others to know what is best for you or what happened when they were not even there. I for one am sick of rumors and opinions or advice from people that do not "get it" and are in many ways unhealthier than me, if that's possible LOL. Hugs and well done!!
!! Take his or her comments as challenges to see if you have really learned to trust yourself rather than trust others to know what is best for you or what happened when they were not even there. I for one am sick of rumors and opinions or advice from people that do not "get it" and are in many ways unhealthier than me, if that's possible LOL. Hugs and well done!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hugs, (((aspiring)))
Sometimes, it takes an experience like this to really solidify our recovery.
So big congratulations to you for realizing that you deserve better.
And as for this so-called "friend" - she indeed does sound ignorant, at least of the dynamics of relationships and of how to have a healthy one. I would sooner take advice on raising sheep from a coyote.
You're terrific...you know?
:ghug3
Sometimes, it takes an experience like this to really solidify our recovery.
So big congratulations to you for realizing that you deserve better.
And as for this so-called "friend" - she indeed does sound ignorant, at least of the dynamics of relationships and of how to have a healthy one. I would sooner take advice on raising sheep from a coyote.
You're terrific...you know?
:ghug3
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