Blondie

I've been gone from the house for a couple of weeks now. My AH calls me on the phone every day to "see how I'm doing" and we have small talk. But the other day he nearly floored me because he is in such denial. He said that I left him to be with my mother (recently widowed) because I am grieving and suffered a loss and need to be with her now and I am not thinking straight. I nearly blew my top and had to cut the phone call short because I was so mad that I could barely speak and obviously would be wasting my breath -- again. I KNOW THE TRUTH OF WHY I LEFT AND HE IS NOT GOING TO CONVINCE ME THAT IT IS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING AND SOMEBODY ELSE!!!! I will not be gaslighted this time because I kept a journal and I know that I'm not crazy or exaggerating anything that he has done!!! He thinks I can't think straight because of the loss of my step-dad and believes that I'll be home in a few months after I feel better! He practically accused me of being crazy.:wtf2

Before that he accused my stepfather of stipulating that I wouldn't get any money in the will unless I left my AH. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Anything but the truth.

I told him at least five times why I left: Drunk at least five times a week, spending over $1,000 a month at the bar a month and telling me not to spend over $100 on groceries (we have kids) or buy new cloths for the kids because we have no money, the text messages to other women (hundreds to his insurance agent girlfriend who is "just a friend"), the lying about spending the night at a male buddies house and staying the night about a dozen times at his single insurance agent's house, verbally abusive, tried to get my youngest son to hit me (AH thought that was funny when I told him about it ater he sobered up, sick), etc, etc, etc. Sick behavior!!! And my needs were never met, heck, I wasn't allowed to have needs or to get sick. And I compounded HIS sick behavior with MY sick behavior (co-dependent). I forgot my own needs and concentrated on everyone else's (his needs were number one or he would throw a tantrum). No wonder I was physically run down and I kept getting physically ill.

I have been in such denial for so long! He feels that since he makes the money (very good money plus excellent benefits), he should be able to treat me and the kids however he wants to because he feeds us and puts a roof over our heads (I've heard this so many times). I guess we rank on the same level as the cat. I have felt so guilty for years that he works and I don't (I volunteer at the school and other places and take care of the house and kids and watch the neighbor's kids if their parents have to work late, etc, etc, etc). He knows that if he brings the fact that he works so hard up, that I'll feel guilty and cave to anything he wants to do because I would feel guilty (he knew the right button to push) and I just fell in line. I have to stop feeling guilty about that and will be looking for work soon anyway. That is the main reason why I put up with the bad treatment for so long - guilt. When I did work before the kids were born, he would tell me my job was easy (plus I had to do the yard work and keep the house clean and cook while he did nothing around the house) or if I had a bad day and wanted to talk about it he would have to top that with HIS bad day. Not healthy behavior on both our parts - he was self centered and I was centered on him 24/7.

Point is, I realize that my behavior and thought patterns have been sick too. I've taken on guilt for things that I shouldn't feel guilty about for so long that it seemed normal (for example, I felt guilty that he had to drink and have other female friends because I was not affectionate enough and put the kids first all the time - all bull of course). I still fall back into that pattern once in a while but when I'm alone at night after the kids go to bed I sit down and think - think for myself. It is nice to be able to make up my own mind out of the choices I didn't think I had. Good grief, it has taken 18 years of hell, but I have finally found the end of the tunnel. Now I have to make sure I don't go back into that tunnel again as he is good at manipulating me, but now I know that that is just what it is and I can put a label on his motives. To get things "back to the way they were" so he can continue his addiction and I can continue enabling him. That was a sick and sad way to live.

Barbara52

I'm sorry he is trying so hard to undermine you. To be expected I guess. Perhaps you can tell him you are not going to discuss anything that is not related to the kids? That might help you get through this difficult time.

Blondie

Good advice, I'll do that. Yes, I should expect this type of behavior I suppose, but it is so frustrating going through it because my reality is denied by him constantly. Yes, the logical thing to do is to stop listening to it. I will just talk about the kids and that will keep things steered clear of the subject of why I left. I'd just be wasting time and energy anyway.

Barbara52

Yup, tilting at windmills is generally not a productive use of time.

timetogo

Great boundaries Blondie! I just wanted to say, make no mistake about it, raising kids and taking care of the home IS WORK! VERY HARD WORK! And one of the most important and gratifying jobs there is. Don't ever feel guilty for "not working" because you have been.

LuvEm

I have been in such denial for so long! He feels that since he makes the money (very good money plus excellent benefits), he should be able to treat me and the kids however he wants to because he feeds us and puts a roof over our heads (I've heard this so many times). I guess we rank on the same level as the cat. I have felt so guilty for years that he works and I don't (I volunteer at the school and other places and take care of the house and kids and watch the neighbor's kids if their parents have to work late, etc, etc, etc). He knows that if he brings the fact that he works so hard up, that I'll feel guilty and cave to anything he wants to do because I would feel guilty (he knew the right button to push) and I just fell in line. I have to stop feeling guilty about that and will be looking for work soon anyway. That is the main reason why I put up with the bad treatment for so long - guilt. When I did work before the kids were born, he would tell me my job was easy (plus I had to do the yard work and keep the house clean and cook while he did nothing around the house) or if I had a bad day and wanted to talk about it he would have to top that with HIS bad day. Not healthy behavior on both our parts - he was self centered and I was centered on him 24/7.


I'm so sorry you're going through this too...... I could have written the whole paragragh above myself ( minus the kids ) Thank God. It just made me boil that our A's think because they work ( so do others ) they are entitled to a badge of honor and treat us like crap.I worked for a long time, had to take public transportation to near work ( had to walk 1/2 mile the rest of the way to work, and back again at night to catch the bus home ) all while he was working and after work out running around drinking. I finally quit after getting walking pnuemonia. This is when the " I'm making all the money, paying for YOUR BILLS,":wtf2(I don't have any personal bills )now there's household bills etc. began. I too felt guilty for a while. I fell into the same thing you did.....now that I'm not working everything ( his errends,cleaning, cooking, yard work, fixing things around the house,and so on) is my job because I'm home ( these were all my jobs when I was working, mind you ) but they've seemed to increase since I'm not working. I'm slowly but surely getting some boundries into place.... and he's not liking the fact that I'm actively looking for work ( no more maid service poor thing. )
:ghug3
Em

Freedom1990

I found that when I was still taking calls from my EXAH before I divorced him, when he started in on BS like that, I just literally had to hang up.

Otherwise I'd eventually get 'hooked' in, the old tapes would start playing, and I'd be in a tailspin for days.

Chrysalis123

Thank you for posting. I laughed outloud in recognition at that cat comment because I was treated the same sick way too. And I responded in a similar sick way as well.

My XAH pushed and still pushes the guilt buttons. I saw my therapist yesterday and she said something interesting that got me to thinking. She pointed out that XAH is really fighting my new healthy and mature behavior. Almost everytime I behave in a healthy way (for example by setting an enforcing a boundary) he retaliates by acting out in some way which hooks me and upsets me.

He desperately does not want me to change and is working hard to keep the status quo. His behavior is what it is. It is what sick addicts not working at recovery do.

My therapist has been a gift from my HP. I still am confused about proper boundaries, are certain behavior from him abusive, is my behavior unhealthy and things like that. She is a great reality check and sounding board for me amongst other things, and has been one of my guides through this. She has helped me understand how important it is I take care of myself so I can take care of my kids. That is not selfish it is healthy.

Also 2 things that were insightful were reading, "Why Does he Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and reading up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissitic abuse.

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

BeyondBSC

Yep…hang up the phone, turn it off, hide it in the dryer full of clean towels if you have to! (been there, done that). I remember how happy my mom was one day when I told her that my AH at the time called and I only talked to him for less than ten seconds! All he got out was, “You know what Aim!!!!” and CLICK! Good luck to you, stay strong!

justaboutus

My husband is trying to do the exact same thing! Promises to do better, then tells me *I* have a problem... my 'unwillingness to forgive' and I keep dwelling on the past. Meanwhile, he's already crossed one of my boundaries today (and it's just lunch time), so yes I'm still filing for divorce.

Blondie

Yes, I've read about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a bunch of other books on verbal abuse and alcoholism and co-dependency. Very insightful and took a long time to sink in, but it did.

And yes, we are at the same level as the cat (but at least he feeds and brushes the cat because we aren't home). OK, maybe the cat is above us.

And yes, being a stay at home mom and volunteer and taking care of the yard and the house and plumbing, etc, etc, etc is a lot of work. If I got paid for what I do around here I don't know what the figure would be. Interesting.

I started setting boundries a few years ago and it seemed that the more boundries I set, the more determined he was to test them at every angle. Eventually he would give up and stop trying. He hated when I went to counseling and al-anon and he tried to undermine any healthy behavior I tried to establish. But I know that I won't let him stop me because I know it is the only way to save myself and my kids from a miserable life letting us being dominated by an alcoholic tyrant who refuses to get help. Plus he broke the ultimate boundry by having an affair with his insurance agent (oh, excuse me, "friend" who I'm not supposed to say anything bad about or I get yelled at). I told him before we got married that if he ever hit me or cheated on me that I would leave. Well, he did and I did. I thought (I was in denial) that one day he would hit bottom and we could work things out - but when he cheated on me my eyes opened to how disrepectful he has been to me. I know he wouldn't talk to her the way he does me, and that tells me a lot about the kind of treatment I tolerated over the years. I lowered the bar every time in hopes that he would change. But of course, that never happened, I just ended up loosing more respect for myself and started thinking I didn't deserve any better treatment because I was the cause of his misery (not true of course I realize, but co-depedency is a progressive disease too isn't it).

He does seem to be enjoying being on his own but he told me last night that he was depressed without us. I took that comment with a large grain of salt. Just another ploy to suck me in. Yes, from now on I am limiting my conversations to talking about the kids. When he starts the soap opera I am politely, but firmly ending the conversation and hanging up.

sillysquirrel

Wow, I could have written that myself. My AH does that to me all of the time. He thinks that because he is the bigger breadwinner and provides us with health insurance that makes him the king of the house and justifies doing whatever he wants. I definitely keep busy with 4 kids, a home and my own business. On top of that, bring little ones to their early childhood class, watch nephews and nieces when needed, grocery shop, etc. The majority of the things I do are necessary but unpaid and therefore not anything that is meaningful (to him).

My AH also blames our marriage problems on issues that I have with myself or family. He says I should go on anti-depressants since depression runs in my family. The only one in my family with depression is my father, and it was brought on due to a chemical imbalance in the brain following a stroke. Not something that is genetic. I told him there is a big difference between being depressed and just plain old pissed off. This time of year (I am an accountant and do taxes) he says we argue because I am stressed over the extra workload. I say no, I like the work. We are arguing because you disappeared for two days last weekend on a drinking binge and lied to me and the kids.

No matter what the situation, he finds a way to blame it on me. Always. Visiting this website has really opened my eyes to this and how ridiculous it is. Before coming here, I would question myself and my feelings. I would start to think that maybe he is right. But now I am seeing what a pattern it is and a symptom of alcoholism.

I hope you continue to stay strong for yourself and your kids. I feel for you as your hubby sounds alot like mine.

Blondie

Just talked to him on the phone and he just blabbed on and on about how he took a depression test on the internet and it told him he wasn't depressed and now he says he can't get a hold of the psychiatrist to make the initial appointment probably because they know where he works and the doctor probably figures that it's stress and that AH doesn't have a problem, quack, quack, quack. Yes, the old, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM speech. Broken record. NEXT. We went through this before. I told him that whatever he did was HIS choice and he said "your right, I'm a big boy." I also told him that he didn't have to tell me his plans for the weekend (I'm sick of hearing them), just tell me when he wants to see the boys. Why would I care what he says he's going to do (usually lies anyways) as we are seperated. He also asked me to clean out the fridge for the thrid time and I told him no, that he lives in the house so he has to take care of it and I'll clean up any mess the boys make while we are here to use the computer. He said "fair enough." Interesting thing is that when I refused to clean out the fridge the last two times I felt guilty, but this time I didn't. He's a big boy, as he says about making his own decisions, so he can act like a big boy and clean his own house. Actually it would be nice if he acted like a grown man, but then again that is impossible at this point as he doesn't know how. Darn, that felt good! No guilt about saying no! Well, I turned the conversation back to the kids and left it at that.

mle-sober

Blondie,

I just want to say that I think you are making real progress. You are really growing away from the unhealthy entanglements that you've had with your (ex?)husband. And toward a new, more brilliant, autonomous, and joyful self.

Although I am happily married now, I have been through a pretty terrible divorce. When I first made the awful and painful pull away from my ex-husband, I experienced so much pain. Even though it was what I knew I absolutely had to do. But I remember lying in bed without him, noticing what it felt like to be alone. To plan my own day. To think my thoughts without his comments. To have breathing space around me.

Reading your post, I was reminded of those early days and how powerful they were for me. I know you are still in pain and have a lot of turmoil from this man. It will take time. But I just want to encourage you and recognize the growth you've made. Good for you. I hope you continue on in your journey toward peaceful autonomy.

Chrysalis123

Blondie, why does HE get to decide when HE wants to see the kids? Why do you not get a say in this?

Do you have a legal separation agreement?

timetogo

"Interesting thing is that when I refused to clean out the fridge the last two times I felt guilty, but this time I didn't. He's a big boy, as he says about making his own decisions, so he can act like a big boy and clean his own house. Actually it would be nice if he acted like a grown man, but then again that is impossible at this point as he doesn't know how. Darn, that felt good! No guilt about saying no! Well, I turned the conversation back to the kids and left it at that."

hadenoughnow

All of this sounds very familiar to me unfortunately. My ex told everyone (including our son who of course knows better) that I left him for another man (oh and of course I am "crazy" and "in menopause" too LOL).

He so stubbornly clings to this delusion that when he calls to speak to our son the first words out of his mouth are "where is your mom?" "is she home?".

One time he called my cell when I was out having dinner with a friend and began yelling that I was "busted" and that he was "taking me to court" for "cheating" (our divorce was one month away from being final).

If I had a dime for every time I have hung up on him or put my phone on silent I would be rich. He stopped when I sent him a tersely worded email instructing him not to call me after 6 pm and that he was headed towards having a judge explain to him that what I do is no longer his business.

Other fun includes:

Him calling me to ask me to cosign a loan so he could buy a motorcycle (I refused many times to do this even while we were married!).

Trying to convince me that I have to file a joint tax return because of course he will owe come april 15th. (hahahahahahaha, I don't think so).

Getting mad because I closed the line of credit on "his" checking account (it was a joint account and the line was in my name only) at least it motivated him to sign to get me off the account! Can you imagine? The nerve of me to not want to be responsible for him!

I generally try to only speak to him when necessary but he will come up with any sort of nonsense he can think of to get me on the phone. Last night he called ranting about our son's report card (which came 2 whole weeks ago). He of course has decided that it is my job to give him a "weekly report" because he is too lazy to ask the school for progress reports (too bad, not my job).

All of this crap is just excuses to butt into my life and try to force me to speak with him, I mostly ignore it.

want2bfreenow

I heard almost these exact words today. My AH seems to think that all he has to do is be "good" for a few days, say he's sorry and everything is just hunky dory. To me, it just says you are a doormat and don't matter.

An even better one I heard today - It's not confirmed yet, but we just found out that my Mom may have cancer. I was told that "you should cut me some slack, it's been a stressful week with what's going on with your mom and everything." :wtf2 Yeah, thanks for your support and understanding Mr. Wonderful!

Blondie

Well, why does HE get to decide when to see the kids? He has a second job working on a house and works on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays so it's easier that way and I don't mind it at this point.

I believe that he is resigned to the fact that we are divorcing. He has finally started talking about other people he knew that divorced and what they did (bunch of his "friends" from the bar giving him bad advice again, most of them have lost everything and blame their wives for not being patient and giving them a chance, blah, blah, blah and have told him that marriage counseling is a big rip-off and don't do it, quack, quack, quack). He is also cleaning up the house more and taking responsibility for keeping it neat as I refused to be his maid, after all, I don't live there anymore.

He had started to write DND (did not drink) on the calender every day back at the end of January as a record and told my oldest son about it, but has not written this since last Tuesday (my son pointed that out to me as my son was keeping track but doesn't anymore, sad really, but I knew that it wouldn't last). I'm glad he stopped writing it because when I got the credit card statement it stated that he spent over $100 at his favorite bar on Jan 31, but I didn't have the heart to tell my son. He has not kept any promises he made this time at all - just had an excuse for everything he promised. No surprise here. He's just "doing his own thing" and I'm not asking him about what or where he is going, and don't care to know - as I'm not his mother. He seems to be enjoying himself so maybe he won't contest the divorce as he said he wouldn't, but then again, that promise could be broken too. But there is enough evidence of his extreme drinking (DUIs) and infidelity to prove a case for me. Also, the lawyer said that if AH contests the divorce to tell him that he will interview his female "friends" for a deposition and I know AH does not want to drag his "friends" into this or inconvenience them in anyway because he thinks the world of them.

Even though he complains that he doesn't have any money, he decided to buy the kids a Wii to keep at his house. This is typical behavior. Came to pick up the kids and AH was sleeping in the chair and they were playing with it. He was sober, but was always falling asleep due to the late nights out drinking. He always tried to "buy" me and the kids off this way.

Good thing is, we get along a lot better now that we aren't living together and I'm not listening to his garbage anymore or taking any more of his garbage. He doesn't insist on hugging or trying to kiss me anymore as last time I backed away and told him no. It would be giving him the wrong idea if I did return his affection. I'm not nasty with him as he is the boys father, but there is a line between getting along for the sake of the kids and giving him mixed signals such as kissing or hugging.

I realize that I can't live with him again. I left two other times (only for a week) and each time I came back he broke his promises and things got worse everytime. He had a temper tantrum in July and broke a few things in the kitchen because he didn't have any clean work shirts and he thew another tantrum in October because I didn't text him back on our anniversary (battery was dead on my phone but he wouldn't listen to any excuses). I figured the next step was being physical with me and I won't tolerate that.

I told him that he is a free man. Now he can find that "perfect woman" that i never was, according to him. The one that drinks with him, rides on his motorcycle (even when he's so drunk he can barely walk), cleans up after him, listens to his soap opera, and worships the ground he walks on -- oh, wait, I think he already found her, I forgot. Guess I'm still a bit bitter about the OW, but that cut deep into my heart and is still very fresh as I just found out a little over a month ago.