Hi, I'm new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 4
Hi, I'm new here
Wow, where to start. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Our first baby is due in 5 weeks.
He's had all sorts of addictions, but the alcoholism is constant and the most detrimental to him (and me)
He lies about his drinking most of the time. Takes credit cards from me, or will even go to the bank and make withdrawls (overdrawing our account many times a month... I barely make enough to pay the bills, so there's no extra) In the 3 years we've been married, he has racked up about 45K in credit card debt.
He "owns his own business." Except he doesn't work much (not even enough to pay for his cigarettes or gas) So I pay all of his business expenses (work van, liability insurance, etc.)
He is a really good man inside, I've seen it when he was sober for 4 months and working a lot (when we decided to have a baby). But, at this point, I'm almost ready to leave.
He also has depression and anger issues, so I've been scared that he'll hurt himself in the past.
I'm just feeling very alone right now, and very guilty for bringing a child into this mess.
Not sure what I'm looking for here... maybe similar stories with happy endings? I really do love him and love being with him when he's sober, praying that he'll wake up and realize what he's about to lose and start making better decisions.
He's had all sorts of addictions, but the alcoholism is constant and the most detrimental to him (and me)
He lies about his drinking most of the time. Takes credit cards from me, or will even go to the bank and make withdrawls (overdrawing our account many times a month... I barely make enough to pay the bills, so there's no extra) In the 3 years we've been married, he has racked up about 45K in credit card debt.
He "owns his own business." Except he doesn't work much (not even enough to pay for his cigarettes or gas) So I pay all of his business expenses (work van, liability insurance, etc.)
He is a really good man inside, I've seen it when he was sober for 4 months and working a lot (when we decided to have a baby). But, at this point, I'm almost ready to leave.
He also has depression and anger issues, so I've been scared that he'll hurt himself in the past.
I'm just feeling very alone right now, and very guilty for bringing a child into this mess.
Not sure what I'm looking for here... maybe similar stories with happy endings? I really do love him and love being with him when he's sober, praying that he'll wake up and realize what he's about to lose and start making better decisions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. 
While you are waiting for replies you might want to take a look at the sticky threads- especially the suggested reading. You don't have to face this alone, there are lots of people here who care. It's nice to meet you.
While you are waiting for replies you might want to take a look at the sticky threads- especially the suggested reading. You don't have to face this alone, there are lots of people here who care. It's nice to meet you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Hey there, I am new here also. Just posted for the first time 2 days ago. I find it very therapeutic.
I know how you feel when you say you feel guilty for bringing a child into this mess. I have 4 children and have just very recently come to terms with the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. I feel so guilty for choosing him to be my kiddos dad. I feel that I have cheated my 4 wonderful children out of a stable happy family like the one I grew up with. I worry that they are growing up feeling this is how a normal family is, that disappearing for 2 days on a drinking binge is ok, etc.. I tell them that their dad's behavior is not acceptable but yet I continue to keep them in this horrible living situation.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I truly feel your pain. When I was pregnant with my youngest, who just turned 2, I felt terribly guilty to bring her into this situation. But, it is what it is and you can't change things. Believe me, if I would have known then what I know now, I would have never had his babies. I love my children to death and the only thing I would change is who their father is, certainly not their existence. We just have to do the best we can with the situation we are given.
I have found great support on this website in the last 2 days and hope you do as well. I find great comfort in communicating with people who actually understand how I feel. Until I came to this site, I didn't have that. None of my friends are married to an alcoholic. They don't understand. People here do.
By the way, congratulations on the baby. Don't let this ruin what should be a very joyous time for you. There is nothing more wonderful than the birth of a child. I will have you in my prayers for things to start looking up.
I know how you feel when you say you feel guilty for bringing a child into this mess. I have 4 children and have just very recently come to terms with the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. I feel so guilty for choosing him to be my kiddos dad. I feel that I have cheated my 4 wonderful children out of a stable happy family like the one I grew up with. I worry that they are growing up feeling this is how a normal family is, that disappearing for 2 days on a drinking binge is ok, etc.. I tell them that their dad's behavior is not acceptable but yet I continue to keep them in this horrible living situation.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I truly feel your pain. When I was pregnant with my youngest, who just turned 2, I felt terribly guilty to bring her into this situation. But, it is what it is and you can't change things. Believe me, if I would have known then what I know now, I would have never had his babies. I love my children to death and the only thing I would change is who their father is, certainly not their existence. We just have to do the best we can with the situation we are given.
I have found great support on this website in the last 2 days and hope you do as well. I find great comfort in communicating with people who actually understand how I feel. Until I came to this site, I didn't have that. None of my friends are married to an alcoholic. They don't understand. People here do.
By the way, congratulations on the baby. Don't let this ruin what should be a very joyous time for you. There is nothing more wonderful than the birth of a child. I will have you in my prayers for things to start looking up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hello. I am new here too and learning a lot.
Read all the stickys
I am sorry you are going through all this. Becoming a parent makes us question lots of things, being responsible to the physical and emotional wellbeing of a child is a big responsiblity not to be taken ligtly and you are right to be questioning the role of alcoho in your life.
Read all the stickys
I am sorry you are going through all this. Becoming a parent makes us question lots of things, being responsible to the physical and emotional wellbeing of a child is a big responsiblity not to be taken ligtly and you are right to be questioning the role of alcoho in your life.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
WelcomeMany of us have gone through what you are going through. You will find a lot of support here.
I was pregnant with my 3rd when I first started posting here.
Somethings that helped me in the beginning were:
going to al-anon meetings~ a great place for support!!!
Educating myself about the disease ~the book "Marriage on the Rocks" is a quick, easy read.
Post here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 4
Thanks for all of your advice. There is an al-anon meeting tonight close to our house. I know AH is going to try to talk me out of going, "I'm fine," "Just stay here and hang out with me," etc. I also called the place that he's been going to see a therapist last night to talk about resources for family members, the guy I talked to sounded very nice, but a bit controlling, so I know AH won't like him at all, the guy actually wanted me to put AH on the phone last night, after I said that he'd been drinking since 9am and was passed out upstairs (um, yeah, that would go really well...) Again, thanks for your supportive thoughts
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((((justtired6))))) I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult spot. I definitely agree with others and encourage you to take care of you (and your baby) right now. The "stickies" at the top of our forum are some GREAT information about detaching and the importance of taking care of yourself.
Don't let your AH invalidate the things you're feeling, your hurts, your fears. Definitely get to some AlAnon meetings (if there is more than one in your area, I'd try to attend several to find one that really feels like "home"). Your public library should have some good books for you that will help a lot. I know the first one I read REALLY spoke to me, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. She's been where we've all been, and she shares some very beautiful insights. Melodie has several other great books too.
Keep posting here on the forum, even if it's just to vent. There are so many wonderful people here. You are not alone in all this. You have all of us (((hugs)))
Don't let your AH invalidate the things you're feeling, your hurts, your fears. Definitely get to some AlAnon meetings (if there is more than one in your area, I'd try to attend several to find one that really feels like "home"). Your public library should have some good books for you that will help a lot. I know the first one I read REALLY spoke to me, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. She's been where we've all been, and she shares some very beautiful insights. Melodie has several other great books too.
Keep posting here on the forum, even if it's just to vent. There are so many wonderful people here. You are not alone in all this. You have all of us
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by justtired6 
There is an al-anon meeting tonight close to our house. I know AH is going to try to talk me out of going, "I'm fine," "Just stay here and hang out with me," etc.
Let him stew on that if he can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 4
Sorry, I think I worded my last post unclearly. I know the meeting would be for me. That's what he'd say to keep me from going.
Told AH that I'm going to the meeting tonight... his response was, I'm not drinking today, I'll cook dinner for you. I'm sure my evening would be much more enjoyable at home having dinner made for me than going to a meeting and getting upset, but I can't keep doing this. In reading some of the stickys, I noticed a lot of things that I do that aren't helping, like paying the bills, buying his gas and cigarettes, etc. Does anyone have any experience with cutting this out? I'm just not sure how this would work... I guess I'd drive him to his appointments... but how could he go out looking for work? Any advice or experience would be appreciated!
Told AH that I'm going to the meeting tonight... his response was, I'm not drinking today, I'll cook dinner for you. I'm sure my evening would be much more enjoyable at home having dinner made for me than going to a meeting and getting upset, but I can't keep doing this. In reading some of the stickys, I noticed a lot of things that I do that aren't helping, like paying the bills, buying his gas and cigarettes, etc. Does anyone have any experience with cutting this out? I'm just not sure how this would work... I guess I'd drive him to his appointments... but how could he go out looking for work? Any advice or experience would be appreciated!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 4
Wow, thanks Anvilhead. I do have to have his name taken off of the bank account. All of his business assets are jointly owned, so it's my credit down the toilet if I don't make the payments. I guess it's time to put a for sale sign out on the van....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
You should also consult an attorney.
Many addicts are good people inside but alcohol is in the drivers seat and you have no control over it.
Take steps to protect your family, financial, etc.
Expect his reaction to be resentful/angry but you do not want to be homeless.
Many addicts are good people inside but alcohol is in the drivers seat and you have no control over it.
Take steps to protect your family, financial, etc.
Expect his reaction to be resentful/angry but you do not want to be homeless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Tired, we have a phrase here that's used a lot: let go, or be dragged.
I too would make an appointment with an attorney. It'll probably only take one. Tell them what you want to do (protect yourself and your child financially, limit your liability for anything he does, etc.) and take good notes of what they advise you.
This doesn't mean you don't love him. This means you love yourself and your child first and him second, AND you recognize that his addiction is driving him to do some things that may really hurt you. You're up against something very big and nasty (alcoholism) that may literally land you in a women's shelter with a newborn if you aren't careful, so it's important you start making some changes, in small steps.
Getting your name off his assets, I would think, would be an important move. As would:
--Hiding the credit cards.
--Setting up a bank account he cannot access to pay the bills, no ATM card, only your name on it, protected from him, and pay IT first
--Getting a safe deposit box to store valuable things so he can't hock them
Do these things gradually if you can. I'd also suggest you stop giving him money to support his addiction, and that he find his own way to work etc.....but that's a much more in-your-face thing than setting up a bank account. We don't do everything overnight.
Expect him to be REALLY nice when it looks like you're not going to enable him any more. That's kind of a given with any addict.
And do try a few Al-Anon meetings. They can be an invaluable source of support, ideas, resources, etc. They helped me a lot when I was in a similar situation. Keep coming back here.....we can help or at least give a hug.
I too would make an appointment with an attorney. It'll probably only take one. Tell them what you want to do (protect yourself and your child financially, limit your liability for anything he does, etc.) and take good notes of what they advise you.
This doesn't mean you don't love him. This means you love yourself and your child first and him second, AND you recognize that his addiction is driving him to do some things that may really hurt you. You're up against something very big and nasty (alcoholism) that may literally land you in a women's shelter with a newborn if you aren't careful, so it's important you start making some changes, in small steps.
Getting your name off his assets, I would think, would be an important move. As would:
--Hiding the credit cards.
--Setting up a bank account he cannot access to pay the bills, no ATM card, only your name on it, protected from him, and pay IT first
--Getting a safe deposit box to store valuable things so he can't hock them
Do these things gradually if you can. I'd also suggest you stop giving him money to support his addiction, and that he find his own way to work etc.....but that's a much more in-your-face thing than setting up a bank account. We don't do everything overnight.
Expect him to be REALLY nice when it looks like you're not going to enable him any more. That's kind of a given with any addict.
And do try a few Al-Anon meetings. They can be an invaluable source of support, ideas, resources, etc. They helped me a lot when I was in a similar situation. Keep coming back here.....we can help or at least give a hug.
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