URMYEVERYTHING

Just wanted to share what I wrote on the day I found out my HBF relapsed. I read it now and wonder WHY in the world did I let him affect me like this. This has truly taught me how to detach and not let his issues consume me to where I feel like this poem again. Thought it would help others too. I have been there and done that!!

When he told me he used, the news
Tore through me like a knife. The blade piercing my stomach.
The choking feeling of how I couldn't breath. I tried to gasp for air but the air wouldn't go through my lungs- my stomach fell, I fell, I broke down- speechless... No words.....SILENCE!! DEAD SILENCE!!!

I felt a rush, not like that of Heroin, but a nauseating rush- my face burned- my eyes swelled with tears- my hands shook- my body losing its control. Not a word said... SILENCE REMAINS!!

Then the emotions move through my hands, my feet, my back, my head and hit my gut!! My gut turns, upside down, I throw up!! I scream but not out loud because my 4 year old can hear me. I suffer in silence.... I scream inside..... I gag some more.... I throw up again!!

Now I'm pissed... I'm angry... I'm resentful... I HATE YOU!!! I hate you so much!!! I'm confused....he's still human. He's my boyfriend. F**K HIM!! I'm done- it's over. How can I possibly be with an addict?? Ex addict- whatever... you selfish mother fu**er!!

I chase for answers- my brain- my mind won't stop racing-- the day we met--- the days we laughed---- the days we joked around--- the kids--- the beach--- the dinners--- the presence of YOU!!! Your touch--- your kisses--- your hugs--- GONE!!! I'm NUMB..... I feel NOTHING!!!

How could I possibly experience the same high you feel on Heroin???
I don't give a Sh** about anything..... who cares about your suffering?? Look at the suffering you have caused me... I don't buy this feeling.... I can't roll it up and smoke it away..... I can't inject it into my veins to numb it..... I simply have to deal with it.

Now I cry- here comes the sadness, feelings of hopelessness-- should I continue?? You'd never thought I would experience the same feelings as you. No--- we just don't understand your addiction--- we are ignorant to drug use.

What drug can I take??? What can make me feel better?? Unlike you-- I suffer. I have to deal with my emotions-- this hurts!! My head, my stomach still burning, my body is weak, I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't speak!! Haven't slept in 2 days-- I look horrible. THIS MUST BE MY WITHDRAWAL!!!

People ask me what's wrong-- I tell them just not feeling well-- meanwhile I'm distracted by your issues, your selfishness, your inability to cope with life's SH*T!!

I'm dying-- I feel the energy being drained from me-- I want to die--- I want it to end!!! The crying, the worrying, the decision making.... I want it gone!

BUT WAIT, there's something more important than the addict--- you--- IT's ME!! MY MUTHAFU**IN SELF!!! Wake up, pick yourself up. Let him live in his choices, his own misery!! Leave it up to him to pick up the pieces, repair my pain!! If he doesn't FU*K HIM!! At least this is what he says when he uses.... just returning the favor until he is able to realize the damage he's done!!

catlovermi

Wow, that was powerful. I could sure relate to the intensity of the confusing emotions, and the pain. I hope it helped to get it out.

CLMI

serenityqueen

Very strong poem! I use writing also as a way of expressing myself. You put your feelings down beautifully.

I'm the addict/alcoholic. I'm one of those people who this poem was written about and I think every addict and alcoholic would benefit from reading the thoughts of those whose lives they have affected.

Thank you for sharing your pain, anger and frustration with us.

Judy

MyJoey

WOW, OUCH!!! I like it, good job.

lilmami

AWESOME!So spot on with all aspects!

Ann

Your words convey very well the gut wrenching pain that watching someone we love destroy themselves with drugs, can bring.

Thanks for sharing this.

katie44

How we have all had those emotions! Thankyou for sharing.

bmychelle

Wow! Thank You for sharing that, each time I read something here that touches on or expresses feelings that I go through I am amazed and don't feel so alone.

destroyedagain

You have just said everything that I am feeling now. My husband started taking pills again and what you wrote is exactly what I did. He sees no wrong in what he is doing. He tells me it is not like the last time. I haven't talked to him since Saturday, lost 6 pounds already, look at my children and know that their world is going to be turned upside down. How dare he do this to us. I hate him but yet love him and that is why it hurts down to my soul.

mendingheart

Very strong words, and descriptive of what the other side feels like. I can agree with it all. The flood of emotions are paralyzing. My heart feels for you. I have since moved on, and healed from the pain. I do not ever want to be in that place again.