Why isn't there a place for us?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 10
Why isn't there a place for us?
Hi there. Very new here and appreciate all of the heartfelt stories and the genuine caring community I have found here. It is comforting to know that there are others here that share my experience of being married to an alcoholic.
Long story short... 3 chaotic years of spiraling alcoholism on my husband's part and spiraling chaos in my own life, mind, heart, behavior etc. Its been exhausting putting on "the charade" for friends and family and constantly having the worry of caring not only for myself but carrying the burden on another as well. We've all been there. At times I cannot recognize the person I have become and cannot believe the things I have done to control my husband's drinking.
AND after 3 years of begging and pleading and my booting him to the curb, my AH is now getting the help he needs and has graduated from 5-day detox into a 90 day rehab facility. He is busy soul-searching, recovering etc. and that is great.
BUT here is my thought of the day... I can't help but feel that I WISH I could check into a facility too. There should be a place for us - the exhausted, the weakened, the huddled masses! I have been to two evening AL-Anon meetings in a row - and they are great - but I want a room with an ocean view, a few days of medicated sleep, three cooked meals a day, therapists at my beck and call, friends right there to support me 24/7 , meetings that come to me and not vice versa and not have the responsibility and stress of managing work and life and bills. I know it sounds selfish and I know the road to recovery is going to be harder for him than for me... and part of this is "tongue-in-cheek" but come on!!! I desperately need sleep, TLC, serious intensive counselling, a nice hot meal prepared by someone else and could use a walk on the beach!!!!
AAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Long story short... 3 chaotic years of spiraling alcoholism on my husband's part and spiraling chaos in my own life, mind, heart, behavior etc. Its been exhausting putting on "the charade" for friends and family and constantly having the worry of caring not only for myself but carrying the burden on another as well. We've all been there. At times I cannot recognize the person I have become and cannot believe the things I have done to control my husband's drinking.
AND after 3 years of begging and pleading and my booting him to the curb, my AH is now getting the help he needs and has graduated from 5-day detox into a 90 day rehab facility. He is busy soul-searching, recovering etc. and that is great.
BUT here is my thought of the day... I can't help but feel that I WISH I could check into a facility too. There should be a place for us - the exhausted, the weakened, the huddled masses! I have been to two evening AL-Anon meetings in a row - and they are great - but I want a room with an ocean view, a few days of medicated sleep, three cooked meals a day, therapists at my beck and call, friends right there to support me 24/7 , meetings that come to me and not vice versa and not have the responsibility and stress of managing work and life and bills. I know it sounds selfish and I know the road to recovery is going to be harder for him than for me... and part of this is "tongue-in-cheek" but come on!!! I desperately need sleep, TLC, serious intensive counselling, a nice hot meal prepared by someone else and could use a walk on the beach!!!!
AAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Hi Mimi--
welcome!
I get your point and I agree, it would be so so so nice to have 90 days IN A ROW 24hrs a day to just focus on my problems and my healing etc!!
But in reality it seems the price for that is addiction - a living hell I will be forever grateful is not one of my problems!
....but yeah, right now after this lousy wet and icy storm I would LOVE a walk on the beach!!!!!!
peace-
b
welcome!
I get your point and I agree, it would be so so so nice to have 90 days IN A ROW 24hrs a day to just focus on my problems and my healing etc!!
But in reality it seems the price for that is addiction - a living hell I will be forever grateful is not one of my problems!
....but yeah, right now after this lousy wet and icy storm I would LOVE a walk on the beach!!!!!!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 18
I have no particulars to share, but I recall at least one Intervention episode where the mother of an addicted or alcoholic son completed in-patient codependency treatment (I remember because I was surprised to learn of such a program which I had never heard of to that date). Maybe you could find some information at their web site (A&E television program).
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Oh wouldn't that be lovely!
You know, I believe our addiction is dangerous if not treated. Codependency can lead to illnesses like chronic depression, anxiety, stress disorders, high blood pressure etc. Poor FD has just been diagnosed with congestive heart failure due to the years of stress and HBP.
To be sure, codependency is a serious thing! It seems to be the way of the world that substance addictions seem to receive a large proportion of attention. I mean you don't see many rehab centres for other mental/physical illnesses.
I think your idea is fab, if I owned a mansion type property, I think I would turn it into a codependency rehabilitation centre.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You know, I believe our addiction is dangerous if not treated. Codependency can lead to illnesses like chronic depression, anxiety, stress disorders, high blood pressure etc. Poor FD has just been diagnosed with congestive heart failure due to the years of stress and HBP.
To be sure, codependency is a serious thing! It seems to be the way of the world that substance addictions seem to receive a large proportion of attention. I mean you don't see many rehab centres for other mental/physical illnesses.
I think your idea is fab, if I owned a mansion type property, I think I would turn it into a codependency rehabilitation centre.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
M,
I understand how you feel.
Three years ago my exabf checked into a "luxury" facility in Palm Beach, FL for 30 days. He had to at that point as he had 3 DUIs within 11 months and would go to jail if he did not (I knew none of that at the time. He told me that he was going to get better and save our relationship).
Each day he called me to tell me about group, going to the gym, morning walks on the property, junk food they would eat at night and on Sat. the more stable ones could get away for a few hours. He would go to the Breakers hotel, shop and have lunch.
Now, I was working and exhuasted too. I was happy that he got to relax and receive help, but I was resentful of the pampering he got. Fast forward three years...I am graduating from graduate school. He still doesn't have his license, a job (he was a lawyer) and is engaged to someone he barely knows that enables his drinking and controls his every move. His good friends have distanced themselves from him and the only consistent thing he has is booze and an unstable drinking fiance that his friends dislike. They take the luxury trips that we once took, but get drunk wherever they are and he calls my family (or me once) from the locations. He does all of the "nice" things, but is unhappy. No purpose, no accomplishments and the chemical dependency of alcohol clouds his mind and judgement.
I honestly get jealous sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my sanity and accomplishments for his lifestyle or the luxuries that he continues to give himself.
Keep remembering that he is there because he is sick. He will be sick when he is out too. He cannot escape that even with counselling he will have to work on it.
If you want pampering, plan a long weekend to a hotel or get a massage at a day spa. Shop with friends and have a nice lunch. Read a book some afternoon with the phone off the hook. Have ice cream for dinner. Drive down the coast. You can do all of these pampering things and you will not return sick. You have the best luxury and gift of all, you are not an addict.
I understand how you feel.
Three years ago my exabf checked into a "luxury" facility in Palm Beach, FL for 30 days. He had to at that point as he had 3 DUIs within 11 months and would go to jail if he did not (I knew none of that at the time. He told me that he was going to get better and save our relationship).
Each day he called me to tell me about group, going to the gym, morning walks on the property, junk food they would eat at night and on Sat. the more stable ones could get away for a few hours. He would go to the Breakers hotel, shop and have lunch.
Now, I was working and exhuasted too. I was happy that he got to relax and receive help, but I was resentful of the pampering he got. Fast forward three years...I am graduating from graduate school. He still doesn't have his license, a job (he was a lawyer) and is engaged to someone he barely knows that enables his drinking and controls his every move. His good friends have distanced themselves from him and the only consistent thing he has is booze and an unstable drinking fiance that his friends dislike. They take the luxury trips that we once took, but get drunk wherever they are and he calls my family (or me once) from the locations. He does all of the "nice" things, but is unhappy. No purpose, no accomplishments and the chemical dependency of alcohol clouds his mind and judgement.
I honestly get jealous sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my sanity and accomplishments for his lifestyle or the luxuries that he continues to give himself.
Keep remembering that he is there because he is sick. He will be sick when he is out too. He cannot escape that even with counselling he will have to work on it.
If you want pampering, plan a long weekend to a hotel or get a massage at a day spa. Shop with friends and have a nice lunch. Read a book some afternoon with the phone off the hook. Have ice cream for dinner. Drive down the coast. You can do all of these pampering things and you will not return sick. You have the best luxury and gift of all, you are not an addict.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Years ago, my angel sponsor ended up in a facility due to chronic severe depression... brought about by years of living with an alcoholic. I think she was bordering on suicide and that's how she got there. While inside, she learned about co dependency and the principles of Al Anon.
It's sad that it has to get to that level before a co dependent person can get help... the closest thing I have found is the serenity weekends offered by our Al Anon groups here in my area. It's a weekend filled with love and support, good meals, much laughter and a lot of healing.
It's sad that it has to get to that level before a co dependent person can get help... the closest thing I have found is the serenity weekends offered by our Al Anon groups here in my area. It's a weekend filled with love and support, good meals, much laughter and a lot of healing.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,707
A period of rest and recovery sounds like a great priority to me!
Are you able to take some vacation?
There's a little Bed & Breakfast (soft beds, hot breakfast, good conversation) in my town that is, literally, right next-door to an Al-Anon meeting twice a day, everyday. Around the corner is day spa and across the way is a yoga studio.
I bet that if you looked/asked around a bit you could find a similarly situated set-up - make your own luxury recovery retreat! Even 3 or 4 days of that kind of treatment could really make a difference.
When my husband went to inpatient rehab I spend the 30 days that he was gone in a period of even more intense stress and resentment. It certainly wasn't good for my emotional or physical health. I think putting yourself at the top of the list for a while is a wonderful idea!
Are you able to take some vacation?
There's a little Bed & Breakfast (soft beds, hot breakfast, good conversation) in my town that is, literally, right next-door to an Al-Anon meeting twice a day, everyday. Around the corner is day spa and across the way is a yoga studio.
I bet that if you looked/asked around a bit you could find a similarly situated set-up - make your own luxury recovery retreat! Even 3 or 4 days of that kind of treatment could really make a difference.
When my husband went to inpatient rehab I spend the 30 days that he was gone in a period of even more intense stress and resentment. It certainly wasn't good for my emotional or physical health. I think putting yourself at the top of the list for a while is a wonderful idea!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Nice thought, mimi! I was just thinking that it is a little bit similar to a caretaker of someone who has a terminal illness or someone who is a quadraplegic. The caretaker's life span is often shortened as well because of all of the stress and worry.
Hugs and good wishes, HG
Hugs and good wishes, HG
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I don't remember her name off the top of my head, but there was a member here who bought a little ranch/motel place about a year ago. She was planning to turn it into some sort of Codie Retreat. Hopefully the reason we haven't seen her around lately is that she's hard at work getting it ready for us ! 
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LOL anvilhead
I wanted to tell you that today is my birthday :> and I just came from a spa facial. Nice to spend 3 hours relaxing.
Now I will go to buy a dress :> and I will FEEL GOOD about my body no matter what!!
Well anyway, I wanted to say the great thing is that you can treat yourself to everything you mentioned, as much times as you want/can :> why not make a point on actually pursuing all that? not for a period of time but for the rest of your time on this Earth :>
But I get the idea, I also need somewhere to really let it all out and not worry about anything!! like a sabbatical or a retirement and not have a single memory, advertisement, memory or trigger about alcohol and jerks and mean people !
Thinking on coming back as a buddhist monk the next life...
I wanted to tell you that today is my birthday :> and I just came from a spa facial. Nice to spend 3 hours relaxing.
Now I will go to buy a dress :> and I will FEEL GOOD about my body no matter what!!
Well anyway, I wanted to say the great thing is that you can treat yourself to everything you mentioned, as much times as you want/can :> why not make a point on actually pursuing all that? not for a period of time but for the rest of your time on this Earth :>
But I get the idea, I also need somewhere to really let it all out and not worry about anything!! like a sabbatical or a retirement and not have a single memory, advertisement, memory or trigger about alcohol and jerks and mean people !
Thinking on coming back as a buddhist monk the next life...
6Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
This is not a referral because I personally have never been to these places, but if you want to do some research:
There is a place in PA (called Chit Chat, I think) that provides in-patient codependency treatment (I know several people who have been there.) Also, if you are really looking for luxury, there is a place out in either New Mexico or Arizona called The Meadows (Again, I know a couple of people who have been there -- at a cost of ~$30K for 2 months!!!!!!!!!...and that was several years ago) Everyone I know who has been to either of these places has really felt that they benefited from it....
....Personally, if I had 30K to spend on some R&R, I think I would benefit more from a few weeks at the Marriott on the Warf in Boston or the Algonquin (both of which I have been to and recommend very highly BTW!)......maybe some book shopping, some shoe shopping, some interesting museums and some great meals that I didn't have to cook myself.....yeah, I'll save my 30K for a real vacation, because I seem to doin' just fine with my meetings at $5-$10 per week!
freya
P.S. and Happy Birthday, Dreamer! Sounds like you are giving yourself a good one -- you go girl!
There is a place in PA (called Chit Chat, I think) that provides in-patient codependency treatment (I know several people who have been there.) Also, if you are really looking for luxury, there is a place out in either New Mexico or Arizona called The Meadows (Again, I know a couple of people who have been there -- at a cost of ~$30K for 2 months!!!!!!!!!...and that was several years ago) Everyone I know who has been to either of these places has really felt that they benefited from it....
....Personally, if I had 30K to spend on some R&R, I think I would benefit more from a few weeks at the Marriott on the Warf in Boston or the Algonquin (both of which I have been to and recommend very highly BTW!)......maybe some book shopping, some shoe shopping, some interesting museums and some great meals that I didn't have to cook myself.....yeah, I'll save my 30K for a real vacation, because I seem to doin' just fine with my meetings at $5-$10 per week!
freya
P.S. and Happy Birthday, Dreamer! Sounds like you are giving yourself a good one -- you go girl!
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Not that i want and need everything you do , put i get the point. Maybe we can find a rich RA that wants to give back by the way of gifting spouses of an A with their dream recovery vacation. Any volunteers out there? When do we leave?
And if is not selfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is called a bit of rest, relaxation and recovery spouse style!!!
And if is not selfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is called a bit of rest, relaxation and recovery spouse style!!!
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