LovelyM

My A and I have been dating on and off for about two years, the last year we have been pretty serious and see each other several times a week. 8 months ago, he said that he quit drinking, i thought that he was a problem alcoholic, but through recent events and legal problems- he has admitted to being an alcoholic and that he has been hiding his drinking. He is now 3 months sober, and saying that he is committed (meetings etc).

1How do we know when to believe them and their intentions?
Did the lies suddenly turn to honesty?

2Is the love we feel worth the risk of all the potential problems involved with pursuing a life with a recovering alcoholic?


3How can we be supportive without losing ourselves, or feel like they taking advantage of our generosity?
How can we make sure they aren't taking advantage of us, and we put ourselves first instead of always having our alcoholic come first, which is better?:ghug3

4What is appropriate behavior to display in front of our alcoholic, drinking, jokes, social settings?

I've come up with these questions based on some threads that I've just read on this site.
Thanks for listening.

LovelyM

Barbara52

Only time can give the answer. Actions speak louder than any promises or other words.


That answer is different for everyone. For me, I highly doubt that I would ever be willing to get romantically involved with a RA simply because of my experiences with my alcholic parents and my xAH. I just won't risk the pain I know would come along if the RA relapsed. I will not go thru that ever again.


I know I cannot be the support system for an RA because I do not know what they are going thru since I have never been an A. I think an RA needs to get most of their support from those who have been there done that.

I can make sure that I do not enable behaviors that I do not find acceptable. That is true whether the behaviors are related to alcholism or not. I can make sure that I take care of myself regardless of what those close to me do, whether those people are As or not. I can make sure I keep on learning how to behave and live in a healthy way.

FormerDoormat

Neither will I.

SailorKaren

You might ask your boyfriend what he prefers from you in these areas. Personally, I tend to refrain from alcohol use around A's. And I find that many jokes have, at the heart of them, a little mean streak to them that is not usually my truth. I'm trying to learn the fine art of banter, but I find I have such a sensitivity to others that I usually can't pull it off well. My parents rarely joked with us, and most everything they said, they meant, including lots of mean words. My brain has become hardwired to initially take in banter as literally true, and so I miss jokes on me unless I take time to process what was said in the context of someone I know who was saying it. What usually works best for me is to make gentle or witty self-deprecating remarks.

Gold

LovelyM
I dont have answers for you. i am exploring these very same questions myselfI dont want to live in eternal fear of a relape but I imagine thats the reality. I mean it could always happen but it is out of my control.
In choosing to stay with an AP I live as honest and joyful life I can.