bunkie09

My relationship is over. I lost my uncle last week. I have the tendacy to hold on to things. My exboyfriend, sober for three years, and I talked last nite and decided we were not happy and this relationship has run it's course. I don't know what I am feeling. I can't talk with him, he's detatched himself from me. He's been regressing, playingo online poker and has told me its his disease. It's his escape mechanism. The metaphor he used was that there is a gorilla over there. That he sees it, he feels it. He then says I feel it, but when he asks, i deny it.
Do I hold on? Do I take on more than I can handle, in regards to my family? My uncle passed away last week. I helped my mom with the funeral. His first thought when I found out my uncle passed away was anger. I am not trying to blame, or point fingers or imply fault. I am trying to break all this down. I've been reciting the serenity prayer, over and over again. I don't want to find myself back in limbo. He could not bring himself to be there to support me. His depression and how I am around my family is too much. I think. He stated that metaphor. Sometimes, I feel like he is on a higher level than i in regards to life. That although I am human, and so is he, i am not making the grade. I'm putting myself in a pool of pooh and he won't sit around while i wade.
I see how my parents play their song, so that I might dance that old dance. I removed my self from the music and dance. They don't know what's wrong with me. I told them there isn't anything wrong. I just don't want to partake in the old song and dance. My kids are sort of alienating me, because I won't do their bidding. I'm living for me and doing my own thing. They don't like that.
Is this just another part of my disease? Am I going crazy? is this my being in that pity pot mode? ARGH!!!!!!

Aysha

I am confused. Are you an addict of some sort?

bunkie09

yes, i am addict. I been to treatment, 20 years ago. two weeks ago, i realized i had a problem with my prescription meds and before I let it get way out of hand, I sought help and admitted my problem. I've been dormant for over 15 yrs. I have been living in my own world, not ready to accept help from others, and stepped up to do so and expressed to my ex my desire to seek help. He supported me. Still supports me in my recovery. But I am confused about what was said.

grateful2b

Bunkie, you have a lot going on and I admire you for staying sober through it all and I like that you are still focused on doing the next right thing for you.
It is not easy when we choose to change and the people around us are not, for some reason able to support us as we understand it, but good for you for not yielding .

Aysha

Putting the drugs down is easy. Its what you do afterwards that will make all the difference.
Do I have this correct? You are 15 yrs clean from drugs?
Maybe you have some other issues that need to be addressed?
Depression? Emotional or mental isuues?
And living for you is what you should do. We cant fix the world.

bunkie09

I am fifteen clean from alcohol. I had a near death experience this past August and was prescribed medication. I didn't know it was being abused until my ex pointed out my ability to remain in denial of that. I then promptly flushed them down the toilet and sought help, after coming to the realization of my denial of abusing the pills. I see how others around my community are lost, because they steal and sell things to obtain them. I didn't want to end up like that. My ex called it a relapse. That I was in full blown relapse mode. I was scared and took the steps for me to figure out and learn about the disease.

Aysha

Well thats a good thing then.

Anna

Welcome!

I'm glad you found us.

fall

Hi Bunkie,
You said so much in your introduction, I had to read it thrice before attempting a response. Sounds like first you need to take a deep breath, and breathe. I mean, really, sit down and listen to yourself breathe. It's calming.

I hear you struggling with trying to decide which direction to follow in life, which way is the right way. You write of others pushing you away, but I wonder, if you might be pushing them away? You seem...scared. I wonder if you're fighting your own anger and fear, and feeling overwhelmed by everything that's going on around you.

I hope you write more so more could be understood about what you're going through.

nickishine

Hey there, Bunkie!

Without question, there's sooo much going on with you! An array of feelings have got to be compounding along side of taking the blinders off your eyes with your pill addiction that you've recently recognized through your ex!

All I can suggest is getting as much support around you as possible! There's a lot to sift through and a lot of emotions that are naturally going to come up.... Being alone to deal with them is not wise or good!

We're here for you in the best way we can be. If I were you (& I'm not), I'd get into a support group like AA, grief and loss, counselling, etc.... Also on this forum are other sites; ie, Grief & Loss, NA support groups, etc. For me, I'm finding AA and working with a sponsor really helpful (this time around). I've got someone who understands right where I'm coming from and in the 12-step approach there's a "design for living" for those who choose that path! Just some ideas... Hang in there! We care here and we want to get to know you better. Please keep posting, reading and reaching out! There's always someone to grab your hand!

:ghug Big hugs to you!

ToABetterMe

Welcome, I'm so glad you found this place! I know how addicting the pills can be, I have an aunt that was an RN for 35 yrs & Show how became addicted to ny kind of pain pill she can get her hands on. It cost her her job last year because she just could not function. Its scarey how it can take over Anyone

God Bless!