1st step - any good?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 1
1st step - any good?
Let me know what you think...
I admitted I was an alcoholic about 15 years ago. My admission happened over time and in a couple of different ways. The most obvious of which is just one day I simply knew it. You say, *** I am an alcoholic. This can be pretty fleeting, and subsequent doubt is unavoidable. So next came admitting it to other people; saying it out loud and thereby making it more concrete and irreversible. This was then followed by action, I went to meetings, kept admitting it, and told people I was going to do something to solve the problem. It’s those three things together that constitute an admission of alcoholism.
In the beginning however, I was so resistant to the idea, that, when given the choice between rehab and the psych ward, I chose the latter. It was more palatable because being crazy, while pathetic, wasn’t my fault and certainly beyond my control. I saw my using simply as a weakness and personal failure, which I could control if only I weren’t such an enormous loser. A few years later, having graduated from regular and frequent blackouts to crack binges, each measured in an increasing number of days, denial was impossible. There wasn’t anything left in my life that wasn’t some horrible consequence of using. And I said, ‘****’, I am and alcoholic. I couldn’t control it any better than I could the debilitating depression.
So then I said it out loud, to my doctor, to the few friends I had, my sister, my parents and my uncle. Each of whom would pop into my head when in the process of trying to talk myself out of that conclusion. Then I started going to meetings, which began with me saying it out loud, frequently involved citing examples of powerlessness, and listing, in detail, the endless series of things that all added up to a pile of evidence proving unmanageability.
Powerlessness over alcohol is pretty straightforward. It means that there are no circumstances, at any time, under which you can start drinking and then stop of you own accord. It means that every time you get loaded it will always eventually lead to abject misery and collateral damage. It means that you have no control over using once you start.
I do not currently, nor will I ever understand the concept of ‘one’ drink. I will never be able to take one drink without obsessing about the next, and the next, and the last will only be that by virtue of its ability make me pass out, get arrested or jump off a bridge.
Powerlessness, for me, was borne out in the usual things alcoholics do; regular failed attempts to not to drink for a given period of time, even hours and sometimes minutes. I took a tour of some of the finer rehabs in the Southwest, talked about my childhood with shrinks; moved, found relief from the depression, became more successful, etc. and so on. I continued to use in every case.
On my last run, which lasted about 6 years, I decided to impose only the mildest of prohibitions on my drinking behavior -- namely to drink to my heart’s content as long as I could pay for a roof over my head. Without realizing it, I was in fact still trying to control my drinking, albeit barely at all. Not surprisingly even this proved impossible. The frequency with which I missed work, plane flights, failed to answer the phone only increased. Weekend binges spilled over first into Monday, and then into Tuesday and sometimes even Wednesday, vacations became weeklong blackouts. Physically, I was bloated and weighed two hundred pounds; I would sweat, shake and vomit for hours every week.
That my life had become unmanageable isn’t something that can be disputed. I thought I had a solution for this problem; simply remove those things in my life that had become unmanageable. In their absence, they were no longer unmanageable. Remove friends, avoid family, don’t leave the house except to work and buy vodka, there’s not much left to worry about but a paycheck. Except that alcoholism by definition is all consuming and unrelenting. After years of this approach my job was finally in jeopardy, my family thought I had become a hermit, and the police were finally forced to arrest me. Yet more unmanageability with even so little to manage. The worst part, the incomprehensible demoralization part though, wasn’t actually anything one could see from the outside. It was a remarkably painful loneliness coupled with a deep and abiding shame which drove me to think there was no purpose to my presence here on earth.
I admitted I was an alcoholic about 15 years ago. My admission happened over time and in a couple of different ways. The most obvious of which is just one day I simply knew it. You say, *** I am an alcoholic. This can be pretty fleeting, and subsequent doubt is unavoidable. So next came admitting it to other people; saying it out loud and thereby making it more concrete and irreversible. This was then followed by action, I went to meetings, kept admitting it, and told people I was going to do something to solve the problem. It’s those three things together that constitute an admission of alcoholism.
In the beginning however, I was so resistant to the idea, that, when given the choice between rehab and the psych ward, I chose the latter. It was more palatable because being crazy, while pathetic, wasn’t my fault and certainly beyond my control. I saw my using simply as a weakness and personal failure, which I could control if only I weren’t such an enormous loser. A few years later, having graduated from regular and frequent blackouts to crack binges, each measured in an increasing number of days, denial was impossible. There wasn’t anything left in my life that wasn’t some horrible consequence of using. And I said, ‘****’, I am and alcoholic. I couldn’t control it any better than I could the debilitating depression.
So then I said it out loud, to my doctor, to the few friends I had, my sister, my parents and my uncle. Each of whom would pop into my head when in the process of trying to talk myself out of that conclusion. Then I started going to meetings, which began with me saying it out loud, frequently involved citing examples of powerlessness, and listing, in detail, the endless series of things that all added up to a pile of evidence proving unmanageability.
Powerlessness over alcohol is pretty straightforward. It means that there are no circumstances, at any time, under which you can start drinking and then stop of you own accord. It means that every time you get loaded it will always eventually lead to abject misery and collateral damage. It means that you have no control over using once you start.
I do not currently, nor will I ever understand the concept of ‘one’ drink. I will never be able to take one drink without obsessing about the next, and the next, and the last will only be that by virtue of its ability make me pass out, get arrested or jump off a bridge.
Powerlessness, for me, was borne out in the usual things alcoholics do; regular failed attempts to not to drink for a given period of time, even hours and sometimes minutes. I took a tour of some of the finer rehabs in the Southwest, talked about my childhood with shrinks; moved, found relief from the depression, became more successful, etc. and so on. I continued to use in every case.
On my last run, which lasted about 6 years, I decided to impose only the mildest of prohibitions on my drinking behavior -- namely to drink to my heart’s content as long as I could pay for a roof over my head. Without realizing it, I was in fact still trying to control my drinking, albeit barely at all. Not surprisingly even this proved impossible. The frequency with which I missed work, plane flights, failed to answer the phone only increased. Weekend binges spilled over first into Monday, and then into Tuesday and sometimes even Wednesday, vacations became weeklong blackouts. Physically, I was bloated and weighed two hundred pounds; I would sweat, shake and vomit for hours every week.
That my life had become unmanageable isn’t something that can be disputed. I thought I had a solution for this problem; simply remove those things in my life that had become unmanageable. In their absence, they were no longer unmanageable. Remove friends, avoid family, don’t leave the house except to work and buy vodka, there’s not much left to worry about but a paycheck. Except that alcoholism by definition is all consuming and unrelenting. After years of this approach my job was finally in jeopardy, my family thought I had become a hermit, and the police were finally forced to arrest me. Yet more unmanageability with even so little to manage. The worst part, the incomprehensible demoralization part though, wasn’t actually anything one could see from the outside. It was a remarkably painful loneliness coupled with a deep and abiding shame which drove me to think there was no purpose to my presence here on earth.
Last edited by CarolD; 01-25-2009 at 08:33 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Familiar and powerful story. I struggle every day to stay sober. But, it is worth it.
Your presence is necessary on earth to help others that are still suffering. Your story needs to be heard and may help another alcoholic. It has helped me remember where I do not want to go back to.
Thanks for sharing your story and God bless. LOL
Your presence is necessary on earth to help others that are still suffering. Your story needs to be heard and may help another alcoholic. It has helped me remember where I do not want to go back to.
Thanks for sharing your story and God bless. LOL
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
I am still trying to attain that 1st day without drinking. I too have become a recluse....I leave the house when it's time to stock up. I feel ridden with guilt most of the time because I am not strong enough to conquer this BS. I am with you, I hope we both get through this! Guess being here is a baby step?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
What dropped me to my knees was when I realized at a gut level I could not keep myself sober. No choice, no power, no control. This is a huge part of step one that seems to create a fair amount of debate.Our Book makes it clear we have no choice. As a rule, I take everything I read with a grain of salt. However, the book describes me and my relationship with booze and the world perfectly. This is why I tend to advocate the program outlined in it. It has worked for me, and answered a question that I wondered about for a long time, what is wrong with me.
Powerlessness over alcohol manifests in two ways.
Physical:We take a drink, the allergy kicks in, the phenomena of craving kicks in, and it's on.
Our book says this observation would be academic if we never took the 1st drink, so the main problem of the alcoholic centers in the MIND.
Mental: the obsession of the mind, always brings us back to a drink, a desire to not drink is not going to help. the book goes on to give several examples of the obsession of the mind.
Sit with this, can you reconcile these facts with your experience? If so, you may do well to continue with the steps as outlined in the Big Book. If you are like me, your life depends on it.
Powerlessness over alcohol manifests in two ways.
Physical:We take a drink, the allergy kicks in, the phenomena of craving kicks in, and it's on.
Our book says this observation would be academic if we never took the 1st drink, so the main problem of the alcoholic centers in the MIND.
Mental: the obsession of the mind, always brings us back to a drink, a desire to not drink is not going to help. the book goes on to give several examples of the obsession of the mind.
Sit with this, can you reconcile these facts with your experience? If so, you may do well to continue with the steps as outlined in the Big Book. If you are like me, your life depends on it.
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
Wow, that pretty much sums up my life during the last five years of my drinking. Slowly removing everything that interferes with my drinking, except for that which paid for my drinking. Horrifying way to live. Perhaps not ironically, it took the possibility of losing that to bring about the psychic shift where I surrendered and asked for help.
I try not to get all fancy with step one. Can I answer the questions in the BB? Yes. Could I get and keep myself sober? No. Does my willingness or lack thereof have anything to do with remaining sober? So far, yes, but I don't have any evidence to the contrary. This is the only time I have tried to get sober with any outside help.
M
I try not to get all fancy with step one. Can I answer the questions in the BB? Yes. Could I get and keep myself sober? No. Does my willingness or lack thereof have anything to do with remaining sober? So far, yes, but I don't have any evidence to the contrary. This is the only time I have tried to get sober with any outside help.
M
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Originally Posted by Rob B 
...Sit with this, can you reconcile these facts with your experience? If so, you may do well to continue with the steps as outlined in the Big Book. If you are like me, your life depends on it.
This is the part right here that I'd like to emphasize. I, like many people I suppose, had doubts on my first step. I was given the gift of having an open mind on the first step and to continue on and use the path of consideration. Maybe I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I'm not. My experience is pretty evident, but leave the door open. Keep the question open.
Then I went on with the steps and when I had some recent drinking experiences to look at, it enabled me to be very open-minded about Step 2. Then I used steps 1, 2, and 3 and reviewed them as I did my 4th Step.
Eventually, when I finished my 4th step, I went and 5th stepped that with someone in my AA group, Gary. He started off by asking me where I was with my 1st step. "How is it with you and booze?" I was much more solid on my 1st step at that point. In fact, I was on fire. I was fired up with these 1st Step experiences, but they were backed with help of the Solution as well.
But Step 1 is not a comfortable trip, not at all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
