ToughChoices

I am sad to say that my husband's drinking once again seems to be spiraling out of control.

We've managed a very civil (even loving) separate living arrangement with shared child care responsibilities for the past 5 months, but his alcohol consumption has picked up to the point of absurdity, making any sort of "responsibility" impossible.

Having been unable to contact P by phone or email for the past 3 days, (one of which was a "visitation" night for our son) I decided to drive by to check on him today. I knew that he was drinking - it's the only time he goes incommunicado - but I was a bit worried that he'd been in an accident or needed medical attention.

When I got there he was alive and breathing, and for that I am grateful, but he looked as though he hadn't showered or eaten for days. He certainly hasn't been going to work.

He is sick.

I've really come a long way from the days of unbridled anger about this illness, and now, when I see the sickness I feel pity and, frankly, inconvenience.

Alcoholism is very inconvenient.

I know it is an illness. I do not doubt that - but it is a treatable illness and my husband is refusing assistance. He maintains (between benders) that his life is "wonderful."

As a full-time graduate student I live in a world of tests, assignments, professional rotations, and deadlines.
I have a small child.
I need RELIABLE people in my life.
I need to plan my time in advance.

My fourth year rotations will begin in May, and I am considering preferencing practice sites that are close to my parents. That would mean that my son and I would move about 2 1/2 hours away from my AH.

Living close to (or with) my family would mean that I would have help with childcare, company, and moral support.

Right now I have a variety of friends that I can call on to help me out in a pinch, but when I have to be at the hospital at 6am for morning rounds, I need another responsible adult human being IN the house with my sleeping kiddo. That's a lot to ask of a friend. My rotations will mean months of these early mornings, and I need to figure out how I'm going to handle the responsibility.

At this point, given P's current opposition to AA (or any help for that matter), I think it is in my best interest to assume that he will not be in a state to be that responsible adult. I think that I need to move in with, or very near to, my parents for a (relatively) short period of time.

Any suggestions on wording this to AH? Any stories about sharing custody across 170 miles?

He's probably not going to like this.

Thanks everyone!
-TC

Ago

I have no experience with what you are going through, so I will limit my post to:

:ghug3

I am very very proud of you, what you are doing, what you have done, how far you have come, and the dignity and grace you are displaying in a very trying time.

/hug

coyote21

What is it they say about not going to the hardware store for bread? I think you are being totally reasonable and reality based, as usual! You know, I think

Too bad.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

Mambo Queen

Oh boy...I'm going to have a lot to say on my current situation in the thread entitled "Forced into Choosing" I'm going to start, but let me just comment that having to figure out ways to still get your responsibilities met while expecting an AH to do his share is not a struggle I envy, and one that I am all too familiar with. As a teacher, I have had to do things like leave my classroom in the middle of a school day (a HUGE no-no, but I did have a special ed teacher in there at the time, but still, I could have gotten in MAJOR trouble if caught) in order to rush home to get my child to pre-school because STBXAh was passed out on the couch. How did I know this in the middle of my work day? Because he would conveniently call my classroom about 50 times in various states of drunkenness to both berate me and let me know he would be passed out so don't expect him to watch our daughter all day. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Bottom line--PLEASE, PLEASE pick the rotation by your parents. You will never be able to pull it off if you are expecting your AH to be a major source of support/childcare. You need the support right now.

TryingSoHard

Hi TC,

When my ex-husband and I divorced, I moved 200 miles away (he knew I was moving - I had a job lined up before I graduated). In our situation, we did the every-other-weekend thing, and I agreed to meet him halfway on the drive. I won't lie - it's certainly inconvenient. I felt for a very long time that every other Friday and Sunday night was completely wasted because I'd be gone for 3 1/2 hours, driving in a circle. But, we managed. All in all my son handled it pretty well, too. He was only 3 when we started all this back-and-forth business. He held up better in the car than I thought he would. He was pretty sleepy on Sunday nights, though. The most frustrating thing would be picking him up at 8:00 on Sunday night, getting home at 9:30, to find out that his dad didn't feed him any dinner before they left. *grrrr*

Granted, this all started back in 1997 so even though we technically have joint custody I am listed as the primary custodial parent and there's no co-parenting or equal time rules in place. Every other weekend was just fine as far as the court was concerned back then. I know if I were to go through the same thing today the end result would probably be very different.

However, if you can prove to a judge that your husband is untrustworthy and unreliable, I'd be willing to bet that any equal-time requirements would be waived until HE could prove otherwise. The courts want equal parental involvement as much as possible, but first and foremost they value the safety and welfare of the child. I honestly don't see you having any legal trouble making arrangements with your tentative plan.

You have my sincere best wishes.

GiveLove

TC, I'm sorry for the stress this must be causing but.....it sounds like the best possible plan.

How to tell him? Well....first, is it TIME to tell him yet? (when will you know?)
Is there really any need to give him advance warning? I mean....what will he do differently? And why isn't he doing that now?

:ghug3

TryingSoHard

Would you be moving out of state? That can make a difference about how far in advance you have to tell him you're moving your child.

ToughChoices

I'm actually not all that stressed.
I cried a little in the car on the way to school today, but I kept repeating my little mantra of requests for peace and patience. I felt okay.

I still need to hear back from the dean (she'd have to approve my location change), but we have a good relationship and I don't think she'll have a problem with my move.
Once I get the okay, I'll start making the arrangements.

In truth, I've already decided to go.
I'll line up a good daycare, scope out a good rental, and get my ducks in a row.

And you're right - there's no need to tell him right away. I'll let him know when everything has been arranged that THIS is the best option for me - as a matter of convenience. It's not necessarily permanent, but it's what I need to get through an intense time in my education. I will not keep ds from him - I'm more than willing to arrange visits.

I really don't want drama. I don't want begging or promises. I just want to go somewhere safe and consistent, and nothing he says can convince me that that safe place is next to him.

kermit

Sounds to me like you have a great plan, the father of my children lives in ND we live in CA, at first my exah was not sober so there was to conract at all, however he has been sober now for at least 6months and he calls every weekend. Since you will be closer to the father maybe visitation can mean you two meeting 1/2 way, say at the park or any play area and you will be present, just a idea. I never let my kids stay with their Dad alone while he was drinking.
Good Luck.

ToughChoices

Nope - still in state.

I suppose that I need to talk to my lawyer about the move.
Thanks for bringing that up!

TryingSoHard

If you're not crossing state lines it won't be as big of a deal, but they will still want you to notify him <x> amount of time before you move. I honestly don't anticipate you having any legal issues with it, though. It sounds like it really IS the best thing for you AND your child, and you'd have a much stronger support network - that includes family - and you'd be doing it to better yourself and your child's future. All very positive things in the court's eyes!

I am really sorry you're having to go through this. For what it's worth, you sure sound like you've got your head on right and are holding things together pretty well. I often feel very proud for you when I read your posts.

MeHandle

You said:
"As a full-time graduate student I live in a world of tests, assignments, professional rotations, and deadlines.
I have a small child.
I need RELIABLE people in my life.
I need to plan my time in advance.

My fourth year rotations will begin in May, and I am considering preferencing practice sites that are close to my parents. That would mean that my son and I would move about 2 1/2 hours away from my AH.

Living close to (or with) my family would mean that I would have help with childcare, company, and moral support.

Right now I have a variety of friends that I can call on to help me out in a pinch, but when I have to be at the hospital at 6am for morning rounds, I need another responsible adult human being IN the house with my sleeping kiddo. That's a lot to ask of a friend. My rotations will mean months of these early mornings, and I need to figure out how I'm going to handle the responsibility.

At this point, given P's current opposition to AA (or any help for that matter), I think it is in my best interest to assume that he will not be in a state to be that responsible adult. I think that I need to move in with, or very near to, my parents for a (relatively) short period of time."

With a few changes to "P's" to "you" or " from my AH" to "you" <---meaning him in the context, I think you said it pretty well and could tell it to him pretty much like you just told it to us.

catlovermi

The way I see it, your AH has clearly shown you which choice is best for your child.

CLMI

Seren

((TC)) Good luck with this next round of graduate school! I understand the need to plan ahead because I'm the "old lady" (read middle aged) woman who decided to get a PhD.....

I, too, think you should check with a lawyer about the move with your son, but I believe that as long as you do not cross state or country lines...it's all good.

How to tell your husband? Well, calmly and as a fact...not indicating any choice in the matter on his part. If your relationship is friendly, he should react well.

Good luck!!! Best Wishes!!!
HG

Pajarito

(((TC)))- as usual I am impressed by your thoughtfulness. I think the others have given you great advice. I believe moving close to your parents is a wise choice- for the sake of your sanity as well as for a healthy environment for your son. Unfortunately your AH is showing you very clearly that he cannot be relied on. I can hear the sadness in your thread. But I also hear strength. When it is time for you to talk to your AH, you will know what to say. He may not like it, but this is the consequence of his actions. He may not see it that way, but you have to do what is right for you and your son. Good luck!

Chrysalis123

In my state, this is included in a separation agreement:

With the exception made for vacation periods, neither party will remove the child from the State, or SIGNIFIGANTLY change the geographical area for the other parent and child, without written permission of the other party, or an order of Court.


My lawyer explained to me that this means I cannot move 1 hour away without his consent because it would significantly change his access to the kids. I would be in contempt if I did this against his wishes, unless I could convince the court a move would be in the best interests of the kids.

Checking with your lawyer may be a good idea for you, so you will know what your state laws are for a situation like yours.

cmc

It's wonderful that you have the option to move where you will have more support to achieve your goals. Contacting a lawyer is wise and documenting all the things that happen with your AH may be necessary later on. I wish you all the best.

nowinsituation

TC -- If I recall, you are not divorced. And therefore, there is no legal agreement regarding visitation or custody. Therefore, you don't need a court's permission to move and take your son with you. I know you will not unreasonably deny your husband parenting time with your son. But, it seems to me that for right now, you are the one who gets to decide what is reasonable.

GiveLove

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

I believe I have found my "empowering SR quote of the day."

Wow, TC.

:ghug3

sodetermined

I have no advice for you really, I don't even have a child with my xabf, BUT just wanted to say how much I admire you. And you know what, this might just be your new beginning, a major stepping stone! ((HUGS)) You really inspire me. Really.