new hear and need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Mineral Wells WV
Posts: 3
new hear and need advice
Hello, I am new here. I have come to realize that my husband is an alcoholic. I have actually known it for a few years, but really just wanted to ignore it. He holds a steady job, supports our family, actually makes a good living, but we struggle a bit financially because of his drinking and spending. I am in my last year of college and work part itme, we have two girls 16 and 9. My husband has always beena drinker and drinks everyday and when he does not, he feels ill. It has gotten worse, he lies about where he is, lies about money, and has admitted to one affair. When my husband is not drinking, which is usually just a day or two, he is great and I can stand being with him, but as soon as he drinks, I do not be around him, even if he has just a few beers, I start to get upset. I gues I have very strong feelings of resentment when he drinks, it makes me hate alchohol. I also do not want to be intimate with him when he is drinking, and he gets very upset with me about that then we pretty much do not speak for days. I have decided to stay with him, and pray that he gets his drinking under control. I realize that I can not help him. I am just not sure what to do and how to react to him, especially when he is drinking and wants to be intimate, or he goes out driniknig and wants every thing to be fine the next morning. I want to help him, but I have to stay focused on my life and my children and I feel like his drinking is ruining my life. i am sick of letting this happen. I was taught not to discuus your personal problems with others so I do not discuss this with anyone., but I need advice on how to deal with this problem and how to react to my husband when he is drinkning. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
debvin,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I'm glad you found us here. There is a ton of support here.
The sad truth is that, until he realizes he has a problem and decides to seek help, if you refuse to set any boundaries (as in, if you continue to drink I'll be forced to separate from you) you will be sentenced to the same pain you're living now. What reason does he have right now to change his behavior? He can drink up all your money, have affairs, set a terrible example for your children to follow as they grow up, and treat you badly -- and there appear to be no repercussions. Sorry to be so blunt about that but.....it appears from your post to be the truth. I hurt for you, keeping yourself and your children in a situation like that when there is so much happiness in the world you could be enjoying.
You can't control his alcoholism - all you can do is watch it get worse and worse over time, which it is almost certain to do. It is a progressive disorder.
Have you tried Al-Anon meetings? They can be an excellent source of support from others who are dealing with alcoholic loved ones, and there are most often a selection of people who've stayed and who are considering now staying -- you could learn a lot from talking with them, even some ways to get through day-to-day life.
Take care of yourself
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I'm glad you found us here. There is a ton of support here.
The sad truth is that, until he realizes he has a problem and decides to seek help, if you refuse to set any boundaries (as in, if you continue to drink I'll be forced to separate from you) you will be sentenced to the same pain you're living now. What reason does he have right now to change his behavior? He can drink up all your money, have affairs, set a terrible example for your children to follow as they grow up, and treat you badly -- and there appear to be no repercussions. Sorry to be so blunt about that but.....it appears from your post to be the truth. I hurt for you, keeping yourself and your children in a situation like that when there is so much happiness in the world you could be enjoying.
You can't control his alcoholism - all you can do is watch it get worse and worse over time, which it is almost certain to do. It is a progressive disorder.
Have you tried Al-Anon meetings? They can be an excellent source of support from others who are dealing with alcoholic loved ones, and there are most often a selection of people who've stayed and who are considering now staying -- you could learn a lot from talking with them, even some ways to get through day-to-day life.
Take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
My husband has always been a drinker and drinks everyday and when he does not, he feels ill
As GL said, Alanon is a great way to work on yourself; your husband will have to decide if he wants to work on his problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: HUNTINGTON, WV
Posts: 52
hi my name is tim, its sounds like your husband and i coulbe brothers, and you and my ex-wife sisters, she put up with it for many years, she intil finally she said enough, now shes gone, maybe give him a choice, me or the bottle, well for me i choose the later, now i hate myself for it, maybe hes a strong man and can doit for you and your kids, Ill pray for you, bye
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Hi and welcome. Good for you for reaching out for help. Did you know that it is really common for spouses of alcoholics to isolate themselves and "keep the secret"? There are so many things in common with you and may of us that post here on this board...you are not alone anymore.
Read around this site. There are some excellent posts called stickies at the top of this forum that I found helpful.
When I reached out for help I did a couple of things. First, I went to an individual counselot for ME. I tried marriage counseling but he manipulated the counselor and anyway his alcoholism was in the way. The individual counselor specialized in addictions.
I also started reading books. I read "Codependent No More" and "How Alanon Works" first and boy I felt like both books were writing about my life. I had no idea other people experienced the same things.
The third thing I did was attend Alanon. That first meeting terrified me. I actually sat in the car for a bit building up the courage to go in. They welcomed me with open arms and I found the meetings very helpful.
Keep posting here as much as you want!
Read around this site. There are some excellent posts called stickies at the top of this forum that I found helpful.
When I reached out for help I did a couple of things. First, I went to an individual counselot for ME. I tried marriage counseling but he manipulated the counselor and anyway his alcoholism was in the way. The individual counselor specialized in addictions.
I also started reading books. I read "Codependent No More" and "How Alanon Works" first and boy I felt like both books were writing about my life. I had no idea other people experienced the same things.
The third thing I did was attend Alanon. That first meeting terrified me. I actually sat in the car for a bit building up the courage to go in. They welcomed me with open arms and I found the meetings very helpful.
Keep posting here as much as you want!
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