BrandiSue

I haven't posted here in a very long time. I feel, like so many others here, that I have been to hell and back.

Quick overview....my ABF lost his high profile job about 8 mos. or so ago. He was told he either needed to resign or he would be terminated. (due to drinking) He resigned. He went on a long binge over that which involved several hospital stays and a month long stint in rehab.

He was drinking pretty much the day he got out of rehab. We were still technically together as in dating, but he knew I'd had enough and couldn't tolerate more.

In the meantime he found a great new job with a wonderful opportunity to move up about 3 months ago. He was working round the clock which didn't leave him time to drink. He'd have a beer or two before he hit the sack but not much more until recently. He called in sick yesterday but seemed ok to me. He got up and went to work early this morning. 3 hours later he's at my door telling me he'd been sent home. Evidently his supervisor smelled alcohol on his breath. He swore he hadn't had anything to drink but he tested over their limit. So he finds out tomorrow if he still has a job. I'm sure he will be let go. That will start a new round of drinking.

It kills me too because he was doing so well with a wonderful opportunity. I've read here often and other books and still have trouble grasping the reality of alcoholism. I work in a rather high profile job myself so I understand the stress involved. I don't drink at all so it's even more difficult for me to understand.

So now with this looming, do I kick him out? How do you kick a man when he's down? I wonder if even this is his rock bottom? I thought when he wrapped his car around a pole last year that that would be it, but evidently not. Rehab did NOTHING. What a joke.

I know that I will have to tell him if he is to stay in my home there will be no alcohol period. I've tried that before but he snuck it. I work a lot of hours too and am not around when he's around sometimes. It's hard to monitor although I can smell it on him on occasion.

I'm just sick to death with this recent development. Just when I felt I was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, this. I realize it's his problem and not mine. But when it's right under my nose, it's so damn hard to ignore.

I am by nature, a nurturer. Women just are. But I'm also at the end of my rope dealing with this and just want it all to go away. My headaches have gotten worse and my stressful job, even moreso.

I'm just venting and letting you all know that I do read here. I apologize for not posting but your posts do help me out more than you can ever know.

Some days it takes all that I have just to read much less type something out.

Thanks for this site. It has been wonderful for me.

:ghug

Freedom1990

I'd like to comment on a couple of things. Rehab will do nothing for someone who doesn't want to change. My oldest AD thought rehab was a bed and breakfast, nothing more. She didn't want to do the work involved in order to find recovery. Rehab is not a miracle cure. It is there to provide some tools for the alcoholic IF the alcoholic is willing to make the effort.

Secondly, I gave my oldest AD a second chance by taking her back in. That was a lesson hard learned.

As long as she had a roof over her head, food in her belly, a place to wash her clothes, a shower to clean herself in, she had zero incentive to change.

I showed her the door after a month, changed the locks, and got a restraining order on her.

She's quite a clever girl. She's never been homeless for more than 24 hours. She always manages to get her alcohol/drugs, finds a place to live, and has her enablers.

Today I stay out of God's way and his plans for my AD, and take care of myself and my own recovery.

BrandiSue

Today I stay out of God's way and his plans for my AD, and take care of myself and my own recovery.

Yes you are right. I just need to keep hearing this.

Freedom1990

Believe me, I know that is easier said than done.

I spent years getting tangled up in my AD's messes and enabled the crap out of her. What's even sadder is I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and my parents were my best enablers.

One would think I would not repeat the same mistake, but I did.

The important thing was I finally hit a bottom in my codependency and enabling, and started making healthy changes in my life and let go of her.

It sounds like you are a very warm and caring lady, with a lot of good things going for you.

Please don't let him bring you down because of his poor choices.

Keep posting here for support!

:ghug :ghug

BrandiSue

Please don't let him bring you down because of his poor choices.

Thank you. His poor choices do bring me down. I have always considered myself to be pretty damn smart. I was married for over 25 years and finally realized that my M had been a sham, so I finally got up the courage to leave him. He didn't drink - we just weren't compatible.

So I've been on my own and doing well and ABF walks into my life. We were thrown together socially on many occasions and I just really liked being around him. He's witty and charming and smart. We both clicked even though I swore I wouldn't get tangled up again for a while. I had no clue about his drinking. Most of our social situations involved everyone wondering around with a glass of wine in their hands and that was about it.

I first noticed it about 3 months into our r'ship. He was under major stress at work and it just got worse. By then I was fairly involved and caring for him deeply. It just kills me to see him throw it all away even though I know he can change it if he wants to.

I just finished reading "The Drunkard", an excellent book btw. I passed it on to him and he's about halfway through. He said the man reminds him so much of himself. <nodding> That's why I wanted him to read it.

So today he's sitting in front of the TV and awaiting his fate tomorrow. I'm keeping busy putting shelving together and pretending that there isn't a big fat pink elephant in the room.

I can't even look at him to be honest. I don't want to talk to him either. As far as I can tell he isn't drinking. I feel like throwing up though.

Thanks for your support.

suzieq1972

I'm so sorry you're going through this Brandi.

My XAH went to rehab twice. His stay was only two weeks each time though. I also thought, after the first time, that everything would be better. But, like Freedom said, it only works if the addict is willing to use what they learned. He even had the counselors at the rehab fooled. He was the leader in his group and everyone thought he had made such great progress. He started using again the very first day he was home. They are such great manipulators.

Maybe if you distance yourself from the situation you could gain a little perspective. Kicking him out isn't "kicking him while he's down." It's letting him be an adult and letting him find his own way. He's going to drink whether he's with you or not unless he decides he's had enough. In the meantime, he's going to take you down with him. You sound like way to good of a person to let that happen.

Please take care of you.





Sue

BrandiSue

He even had the counselors at the rehab fooled. He was the leader in his group and everyone thought he had made such great progress. He started using again the very first day he was home. They are such great manipulators.

Oh geeesh - I could have written this too. My ABF has his masters in psychology so you can only imagine that manipulation. He led his group too. He's even been back to give speeches. Ugh. Ugh.

I know what I need to do. I just need to take a lot of deep breaths and just do it. I adore him but as long as he's still drinking I just can't live this way any longer.

Makes me incredibly sad.

PowerWithin

Mine is in the same position.

Still Waters

You know, it upset me too when my AH fooled the counselor at his rehab, but you know - those counselor can only do so much. They don't know the truth, only what they're told. It is sad though.

escape artist

you could suggest he go to AA or get out. they can usually see through the BS.

BrandiSue

He was going to AA several times a week. He found a group he really liked, but never got a sponsor. Not sure why either.

But now he's working 12-14 hour shifts and no time to go to a meeting. He gets no lunch break during that shift. They just hit and miss eat. He is or was going on his days off. Or at least he told me he was.

Of course if he loses his job tomorrow he can go daily.

prodigal

My AH went to A.A. each time he got out of a rehab (all four of them), but never got a sponsor either. I figured it was because he would have had to answer for his behavior, start to act in a responsible manner, and work the steps.

Guess that's why he has chosen instead to drink himself to death.

Still Waters

My AH did get a sponsor, he talked about him a bit. But then he stopped talking about him, and as far as I know he never called him.

I was tempted several times to suggest he call him, but I never did. It seemed to intrusive or controlling on my part.

ElegantlyWasted

"He even had the counselors at the rehab fooled. He was the leader in his group and everyone thought he had made such great progress. He started using again the very first day he was home. They are such great manipulators."

Brandi,
You have no idea how much I resemble, relate to, and find inspiration from the above post as well as you story that I have pieced together from reading some of your other posts. After a meltdown, I thought I had bottomed out. Started going to group. Lied a little bit about continued use and it snowballed into another meltdown. I am in my mid 30's and have been sober for 37 days this time. Master Manipulator to the extreme in order to rationalize my use. The one thing that really stuck with me is "do alcoholics really love us". Yes they do, but the primary love/obsession is with the bottle. When that has been removed as well as all the cognitive crap used to rationalize continued use, the real person actually emerges. Take care of yourself. You can only do so much. As best I can figure out... Change needs to come from within the addict, and as a loved one there is only so much you can do to help. Again... thank you so much for your posts, they help me (and hopefully other) stay focused on what really needs to be done.

BrandiSue

Wow. I probably should go back and reread what I've posted over time. That was a while ago.

Thanks for sharing with me. It's been so difficult to think that he doesn't love. When I've brought this up him, I know it really bothers him when I say basically what you just said above. But he knows and I know it's the truth.

He used to tell me pretty much every day about the little demon sitting on his shoulder "tap tap tapping" away. I used to ask him why he could drive past the liquor store on some days without buying a bottle and why other days he'd pull in when he knew it was killing him. It all went back to the tap tap tapping. He really could never explain it. It's the disease.

I just realized I'm talking about him in the past tense. I'm not sure what that means but I'm surely doing it.

I finally did realize that I wasn't helping him. Bought the books and read them all. I sometimes wonder (and have said this to friends of his) if I didn't make things worse without really realizing it.

But in the end, it's his battle. I just hope he isn't losing it.

steve11694

I am in awe of your courage, strength and wisdom in being able to do such a difficult thing, though the correct thing, with your own child, no less.

God bless

ElegantlyWasted

"if I didn't make things worse without really realizing it. " For you or Him??? My belief is that he is getting to you in a sick way for you to think that YOU made the problem worse. You didn't. People destroying themselves to hurt someone else is one of the most twisted things we as humans can do; yet seems to be very much the MO of an addict as it allows continued use. Best of luck. Keep it real and Do your best to be happy.

bluejay6

How are you doing, Brandi?

The best thing that's happened to that man was losing his job. i hope he lost the recent one as well.

My reading tells me they will let everything in their lives go--marriage, children, house--but the job they hang on to. It pays for the alcohol.

If you do not enable him by taking him in and "helping" him until he finds another job (he will NOT, by the way, stay sober just because you make that a bottom line for the relationship), he has a chance of facing the cold hard reality of where alcohol has gotten him and being desperate enough to finally take the reins and get serious help for his addiction.

Just stay firm, Brandi. Let him find his own solution.

Bluejay