pegasus

Good day all, I've been reading other posts and hear that we have to live for today. Isn't that sad that we can't plan for the future with our A's. There will never be any security. We can plan trips and plan to buy house , car or whatever but the reality of it is that who know where they will be in 6 months from now. Or even tomorrow for that matter. Everything can change in an instant. Even after months of sobriety. Is it fair of them to ask us to do that for the rest of our lives? I think we should be able to have plans and dreams and work on our future together. I know with my A there have been many times when I needed him to be here for me but he was gone on a run and I was left and felt abandoned in my time of need. Can they ever truely focus their time on us. Or is it always going to be about them?
I guess this morning I am trying to keep myself moving forward without him.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=pegasus;2067247]

There will never be any security. We can plan trips and plan to buy house , car or whatever but the reality of it is that who know where they will be in 6 months from now. Or even tomorrow for that matter. /QUOTE]

When you think about it, security is an illusion. It does not exist in nature.

None of us know where we will be in 6 months, with or without an addict in our lives.

I think the best any of us can do is to protect our illusion against reasonable risks.

jan123

Personally. I think it is always going to be about them. Mine never had a problem about how he was going to spend my money and use my credit, Having said that he made twice as much money a month than I did, but never had any a week after pay day. I think we should buy a house, a new truck, a motor home, a car etc. etc. etc. Anything that would be a benefit to him. Mine was a true blue "sociopath" and it was always about him. For our future? I was lucky to get through a day.

Now that he is gone as much as I still think about him I can now plan my own future, fulfill my own goals and create the best that I can for myself. I take care of myself rather than relying on someone who is so self absorbed and selfish that he can't see the forest for the trees.

I think that knowing what we can and can't do living with people like this is very healthy.

pegasus

You know I see my mother with my step dad who have been together for 30+ years now and they work together with finances. They joined there money and paid the necessities and made purchases with what was left over. They share everything. With my A I have paid the bills the majority of the time because he was unreliable. What ever money he got he bought stuff with. Like a boat, trailer snow machine what have you. And these things were for us...as long as we were together. After we seperated he took all of the things he purchased. If he would have paid the bills I could have purchased some of these things instead. And I could have said they were mine too. It doesn't seem right. I know its nobody's fault but my own. Live and learn.

outtolunch

Spending habits and finances are huge issues for many, many couples, regardless of addiction. Either they cannot agree on rowing the boat in the same direction or sometimes they can and they head off into financial ruin because they spend more than they can afford.

If you can't row the boat in the same direction and keep it afloat, chances are there is one too many in the boat. Only you can decide, which one gets out of the boat.

It sounds to me like you know what's important to you and you want a relationship, like that your mom and step dad work at. Why then settle for less?

jerect

I too have thought of this very thing many times... it used to make me really sad until I realized that I was responsible for my own happiness..

But you know what, at the end of the day, the only person that I can plan for, the only person that I can have expectations for is myself..

My AH is clean right now but he is very early in his recovery... he may not be using drugs but he still behaves like an addict because he has not been clean long enough to let go of his character defects..

I realized just recently that even though my AH is sober, I'm still enabling him... I still need boundaries and my program is more important now then it was when he was still using..

I don't know how long your AH has been sober... but if it is early give it time.. I have had RA's tell me that it took them two years to be a normal, functioning member of society..

pegasus

I don't know how long your AH has been sober... but if it is early give it time.. I have had RA's tell me that it took them two years to be a normal, functioning member of society..

Thank you everyone, My A is currently one week into his 3 month program. In 2007 he went to 3 one month programs. Then last year he was using every month with only a few days in between. And when he used he would pull the disappearing act for up to 3 weeks. Finally I told him that we were done and the only way I would ever let him be apart of our lives was if he went to a longer program. It was not an ultimatum because I told him that even if completed the program I didn't think there was any hope for us. But at least we could have a conversation without is head up in a cloud.

marle

As far as planning for the future, it does not always have to involve an addict. My husband lost his $60,000 job a year and a half ago. Since then it has been sporadic work coupled with unemployment. Today I take my life one day at a time and try not to let tomorrow spoil today for me. You do the best that you can. I have faith that my future will take care of itself if I take care of me today. Hugs, Marle

winnie12

I find my security in myself right now and its much easier. I dont plan on anyone helping or contibuting and that way i dont have any surprises or disappointments. I count on what i am doing and can do. so I still plan trips and purchases but plan them alone - if someone else gets their act together enough to come along great - but if they dont i'm still going.

Along with the realization that i'm not responsible for anyone else or their happiness came the realization that they are also not responsible for me or my happiness. So if I want something i do it on my own.

Freedom1990

Amen, Marle. My father started out in the engine rooms of Northern Natural Gas at the age of 18. Through the years he gradually worked his way up, and started attending night classes at college while I was still at home, and eventually got his degree in business management. He was eventually promoted to District Administrative Supervisor. He planned on working for Northern until he retired.

Then enter the formation of Enron (you can see where this is already heading). At the age of 52, my father found himself in a position where his job title was 'phased out'. He had never had to put in a job application in his life except that first one at age 18.

He had all of his life savings in Enron stock. Despite his financial adviser strongly warning him NOT to put all of his eggs in one basket, he listened to another former employee of Northern to keep all his investments in Enron stock. This was when the stocks were nearing the peak of their supposed worth.

The end result was he lost his entire life savings, with no way to recoup it. Today, at almost age 76, he works for his local chamber of commerce for a pittance of what he used to make. He can't afford to retire.

There are no guarantees in life, addict in your life or not.