My recovering ASO lied to me when I least expected it
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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My recovering ASO lied to me when I least expected it
Hi All,
It has been a while since I last posted here, but something happened and I need to get it off my chest. My SO went to treatment 3 months ago and we have been back together since. Everything seemed to be going really well as he was embracing his recovery through AA and I was embracing my own with Al-Anon. We have had some really good times in the last couple of months too. He is more involved in our family life than he has ever been and we spend a lot of quality time together. I was able to forget all the lies from the past and had regained my trust in him. In other words, everything was going absolutely great up until yesterday when he lied to me and I found out about it. He left the house in the afternoon and said he was going to a job interview (he was laid off recently) when in fact he went to a couple of the bars he used to go to in the past when he was drinking. Anyhow, I confronted him about the lie when he got back home and he admitted to it, but he said he did not drink which is probably true as he did not appear drunk. Needless to say, the trust I've been building back up in the last 3 months is completely gone now and we are back to square one. I am very hurt and don't know what to do or where to start. It almost seemed easier to handle his lies in the past as they were due to the alcohol, but what can they be blamed on now?
Another thing to point out is that, in my eyes, he has not been serious about his recovery recently. He used to go to AA meetings almost every day and now he goes only twice a week. I find it even more frustrating that his excuse for not going to the AA meeting yesterday was the cold weather...yet that same weather did not stop him from lying and going to the bar to hang out (even though he most likely didn't drink or if he did, he didn't get drunk) and he didn't even get home on time to get our daughter from day care which is very unusual because he has been really good about this since he got sober. He also requested that we stop going to our family counselling sessions a couple of weeks ago and the codie in me agreed even though I now feel like that was a mistake and will resume going to a counselor on my own even if he doesn't want to participate. He also lied about having an AA sponsor and I know that because he never calls his sponsor and his sponsor never calls him. He also doesn't hang out with people from AA much either as he claims "he already spends too much time with them in meetings". In my own opinion, he feels "too good" or "too normal" to hang out with them and would rather hang out with his old drinking buddies because that feels comfortable and familiar. Anyhow, I think he's headed in the wrong direction as I see all these changes happen in front of my eyes and I hope he finds his way back into healthy recovery. He, of course, claims that he is as serious about his recovery as he has ever been, but I do not see that. He did say he was terribly sorry about lying and that it was a poor decision and a mistake, but that doesn't help with the trust issues this caused. Any advice from all the recovering alcoholics on the forum would be greatly appreciated. Am I crying wolf for no reason?
Meanwhile, I will continue to go to Al-Anon and try to boost my recovery a bit. After all I am not responsible for his actions, but I am responsible for mine and I really need to figure out what I would do if he lied again or if he relapsed. I thought I had my boundaries set right, but this took me by surprise when I least expected it and made me doubt my boundaries again. The codie in me is still very much alive.
I am so glad SR is here for me and thanks for reading this long post.
It has been a while since I last posted here, but something happened and I need to get it off my chest. My SO went to treatment 3 months ago and we have been back together since. Everything seemed to be going really well as he was embracing his recovery through AA and I was embracing my own with Al-Anon. We have had some really good times in the last couple of months too. He is more involved in our family life than he has ever been and we spend a lot of quality time together. I was able to forget all the lies from the past and had regained my trust in him. In other words, everything was going absolutely great up until yesterday when he lied to me and I found out about it. He left the house in the afternoon and said he was going to a job interview (he was laid off recently) when in fact he went to a couple of the bars he used to go to in the past when he was drinking. Anyhow, I confronted him about the lie when he got back home and he admitted to it, but he said he did not drink which is probably true as he did not appear drunk. Needless to say, the trust I've been building back up in the last 3 months is completely gone now and we are back to square one. I am very hurt and don't know what to do or where to start. It almost seemed easier to handle his lies in the past as they were due to the alcohol, but what can they be blamed on now?
Another thing to point out is that, in my eyes, he has not been serious about his recovery recently. He used to go to AA meetings almost every day and now he goes only twice a week. I find it even more frustrating that his excuse for not going to the AA meeting yesterday was the cold weather...yet that same weather did not stop him from lying and going to the bar to hang out (even though he most likely didn't drink or if he did, he didn't get drunk) and he didn't even get home on time to get our daughter from day care which is very unusual because he has been really good about this since he got sober. He also requested that we stop going to our family counselling sessions a couple of weeks ago and the codie in me agreed even though I now feel like that was a mistake and will resume going to a counselor on my own even if he doesn't want to participate. He also lied about having an AA sponsor and I know that because he never calls his sponsor and his sponsor never calls him. He also doesn't hang out with people from AA much either as he claims "he already spends too much time with them in meetings". In my own opinion, he feels "too good" or "too normal" to hang out with them and would rather hang out with his old drinking buddies because that feels comfortable and familiar. Anyhow, I think he's headed in the wrong direction as I see all these changes happen in front of my eyes and I hope he finds his way back into healthy recovery. He, of course, claims that he is as serious about his recovery as he has ever been, but I do not see that. He did say he was terribly sorry about lying and that it was a poor decision and a mistake, but that doesn't help with the trust issues this caused. Any advice from all the recovering alcoholics on the forum would be greatly appreciated. Am I crying wolf for no reason?
Meanwhile, I will continue to go to Al-Anon and try to boost my recovery a bit. After all I am not responsible for his actions, but I am responsible for mine and I really need to figure out what I would do if he lied again or if he relapsed. I thought I had my boundaries set right, but this took me by surprise when I least expected it and made me doubt my boundaries again. The codie in me is still very much alive.
I am so glad SR is here for me and thanks for reading this long post.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Are you trusting your gut, or trying to push it back again?
Your post sounds like your gut is screaming, and your Codie is trying to fire up again.
From an outsider's view, I see red flag after red flag in your husband's behavior and reported attitudes.
These are the times we find out what OUR recovery program amounts to, and how we are working it.
What is best for YOU?
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Your post sounds like your gut is screaming, and your Codie is trying to fire up again.
From an outsider's view, I see red flag after red flag in your husband's behavior and reported attitudes.
These are the times we find out what OUR recovery program amounts to, and how we are working it.
What is best for YOU?
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Really good points above, hellma.
What are your boundaries? How does the one end that starts out "If you lie to me again, I....." What about the one that starts out "If you start drinking again, for the sake of my own sanity I must......" ?
I'm glad you're in a recovery program - it sounds as though you will shortly be faced with some difficult decisions about whether or not it's best for you to remain in a relationship with an active alcoholic where trust is routinely broken. It's a difficult decision many of us have faced.
Good to have you back
What are your boundaries? How does the one end that starts out "If you lie to me again, I....." What about the one that starts out "If you start drinking again, for the sake of my own sanity I must......" ?
I'm glad you're in a recovery program - it sounds as though you will shortly be faced with some difficult decisions about whether or not it's best for you to remain in a relationship with an active alcoholic where trust is routinely broken. It's a difficult decision many of us have faced.
Good to have you back
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by hellma 
I was able to forget all the lies from the past and had regained my trust in him.
After 3 months you were able to forget all about the past and regain trust? That sounds a lot more like denial to me than reality.
I don't know for sure what recovery for both people and a marriage looks like because I divorced my A. But, I was always thinking that it would mean acknowledging the past and working through it to create a new relationship that would, by definition, be different than it was before. Not simply forgetting about the past and going back to when things were "good."
Life is not like a car. You can't put it in reverse. It only goes forward.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by hellma
He left the house in the afternoon and said he was going to a job interview (he was laid off recently) when in fact he went to a couple of the bars he used to go to in the past when he was drinking. Anyhow, I confronted him about the lie when he got back home and he admitted to it, but he said he did not drink which is probably true as he did not appear drunk.
I see relapse written all over your post. I hope that isn't the case, but if he isn't actually drinking, the old behaviors are cropping up, and that spells dry drunk. I've lived with that, and it was miserable.
I could also sense when AH was going to go back out and start drinking again. Every time. Without fail. And he did just that. When he got out of the one rehab that I honestly thought he took seriously, I got very serious about counseling and attending Al-Anon.
Take care of yourself and do what is best for you. I don't believe you mentioned if you have an Al-Anon sponsor. That helped me out when I was having problems with my own reactions to the A's relapse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"Am I crying wolf for no reason?"
Absolutely not! Why are you even doubting yourself.
"Meanwhile, I will continue to go to Al-Anon and try to boost my recovery a bit."
"meanwhile" implies that you are biding time or waiting for something....I had to build a very strong, solid recovery program to free myself from waiting to see what was going on w/ the alcoholics in my life - to keep myself as the engine of my own actions. Waiting to see how I would feel based on what others were doing was really really unhealthy for me!!!
Good idea to keep up the AlAnon and I say don't boost your recovery "a bit" boost it like a rocket - 100%!!!!
Good luck- (((hugs)))
B.
Absolutely not! Why are you even doubting yourself.
"Meanwhile, I will continue to go to Al-Anon and try to boost my recovery a bit."
"meanwhile" implies that you are biding time or waiting for something....I had to build a very strong, solid recovery program to free myself from waiting to see what was going on w/ the alcoholics in my life - to keep myself as the engine of my own actions. Waiting to see how I would feel based on what others were doing was really really unhealthy for me!!!
Good idea to keep up the AlAnon and I say don't boost your recovery "a bit" boost it like a rocket - 100%!!!!
Good luck- (((hugs)))
B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Ma'am,
Your SO has three months of sober time, which is to say he is still in early recovery. And yet, by your own admission:
1) His meeting attendance is tapering off considerably;
2) He does not have a sponsor, implying that he is not doing any stepwork;
3) He is refusing to go to counseling with you to get your relationship back on track;
4) He is engaging in dishonest behavior again;
5) And he is spending time in an old drinking spot, possibly drinking, possibly not, at least not yet;
These are all major red flags, and anyone with experience in AA or Al-Anon will tell you that they indicate an imminent relapse.
I encourage you to continue to go to Al-Anon as you will find lots of support there from people who have been in the same position that you are currently in.
Keeping working on your own recovery, and best of luck to you.
Your SO has three months of sober time, which is to say he is still in early recovery. And yet, by your own admission:
1) His meeting attendance is tapering off considerably;
2) He does not have a sponsor, implying that he is not doing any stepwork;
3) He is refusing to go to counseling with you to get your relationship back on track;
4) He is engaging in dishonest behavior again;
5) And he is spending time in an old drinking spot, possibly drinking, possibly not, at least not yet;
These are all major red flags, and anyone with experience in AA or Al-Anon will tell you that they indicate an imminent relapse.
I encourage you to continue to go to Al-Anon as you will find lots of support there from people who have been in the same position that you are currently in.
Keeping working on your own recovery, and best of luck to you.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I'm sorry you have to go through this and I truly have empathy. I swear, we could be one person as could are AH's. Your story is my story (but fast forward 4 years after where you are, after many many more chances and some cocaine issues thrown in).
I remember how wonderful he was when he came out of rehab -- like his eyes were wide opened for the first time -- like a kid seeing things he never saw before. I think they call it "Pink Elephant" or the "Honeymoon Stage". Whatever it is called, I thought the horrible past was over and like you, forgave and FORGOT what he had done in the past. I agree with LaTeeDa -- I was in complete denial.
Listen to the red flags we can all see clearly and keep working on your recovery -- don't let it go. Remember, you can only control yourself.
take care of you
TTG
I remember how wonderful he was when he came out of rehab -- like his eyes were wide opened for the first time -- like a kid seeing things he never saw before. I think they call it "Pink Elephant" or the "Honeymoon Stage". Whatever it is called, I thought the horrible past was over and like you, forgave and FORGOT what he had done in the past. I agree with LaTeeDa -- I was in complete denial.
Listen to the red flags we can all see clearly and keep working on your recovery -- don't let it go. Remember, you can only control yourself.
take care of you
TTG
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 56
Hellma
3 months is a critical time for an alcoholic ,my wife cracked at this time at her first attempt, now we are there again and she is having a really hard time with it all tense and as she was before, hang on in there! We can't do very much except be ourselves and talk to them about it.
N.walker.
3 months is a critical time for an alcoholic ,my wife cracked at this time at her first attempt, now we are there again and she is having a really hard time with it all tense and as she was before, hang on in there! We can't do very much except be ourselves and talk to them about it.
N.walker.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I'm so sorry. I'm the RecoveringA in my family (well, my father is an active A) and my husband still checks any hiding spot he thinks I might have and I still don't have access to the family bank account. I've been clean and sober for almost two years. Sometimes it is a little frustrating for me, but I feel better earning back the trust than if it was just given to me.
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Posts: 14
Thank you all for your responses. I am so glad I posted on SR as this has been a good sanity check.
The "lying incident" made me think about my boundaries more and I did let him know that if he starts drinking again, I will leave. I left (or rather kicked him out) once before when his drinking was getting really bad and I am strong enough to do it again if he crosses my boundary. I am prepared to reinforce my boundaries, but at the same time I do have faith and hope that things will be ok and if things turn out differently I know it is not something I can control.
We have had multiple conversations since Friday about what happened and why. He was not defensive like he used to be in the past and admitted to his mistake. We had a great weekend and had a lot of fun doing things with our daughter and today is his 90-th day sober. timetogo is right that we are still in the "Honeymoon stage", but I hope things get better as opposed to getting worse and, hopefully, there will not be any more incidents like last week.
I will keep you posted and I trully hope we end up being one of the few "success stories" on here.
The "lying incident" made me think about my boundaries more and I did let him know that if he starts drinking again, I will leave. I left (or rather kicked him out) once before when his drinking was getting really bad and I am strong enough to do it again if he crosses my boundary. I am prepared to reinforce my boundaries, but at the same time I do have faith and hope that things will be ok and if things turn out differently I know it is not something I can control.
We have had multiple conversations since Friday about what happened and why. He was not defensive like he used to be in the past and admitted to his mistake. We had a great weekend and had a lot of fun doing things with our daughter and today is his 90-th day sober. timetogo is right that we are still in the "Honeymoon stage", but I hope things get better as opposed to getting worse and, hopefully, there will not be any more incidents like last week.
I will keep you posted and I trully hope we end up being one of the few "success stories" on here.
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