PowerWithin

Hello. I am new here, and am extremely glad I found this place before I made the wrong decision.

I became friends with a person, who at the time, I had no idea was an alcoholic. It came as a huge surprise when they relapsed. I somehow found myself in the middle of it, being the one to call their sponsor to pick them up from the location, to take them to the hospital. I had never experienced something like that, and the phone call/worry literally took all life out of me, and I fell asleep as soon as their sponsor arrived. When I woke up, I immediately re-arranged my life without this person in it. I couldn't allow someone in my life that would cause that much pain.... For a while, it lasted. They would call and send emails, that would be deleted and ignored. One day I started thinking about this person and decided to call them.. I shared my feelings about the situation and they did too. So I started talking and hanging out with them on a regular basis again. Soon after, started having feelings that went beyond friendship, and the whole time I was telling myself to stopppp! I know that I cannot handle a relationship with an alcoholic. I remember the pain I went through during their last relapse, and can only wonder when I will have to go through that again. It hurts so much, and it makes my anxiety skyrocket. I literally could not turn on the radio for a month, because it seemed every artist would sing about broken friendships. Bottom line, I had never been that hurt by another human, in my life.

So, I have been battling with these feelings, and wondering what the best move would be. This person is my best friend, so I can't just walk away. They have been there for me more than anyone, and I have been there for them the same. Lately, I found out that they have been drinking on and off since last year - I thought they had stopped because that is what they were telling me. So now they are being flaky and honestly it's disappointing, and making me consider backing away about 70% from our friendship. The only thing I know how to do is be supportive. I won't judge, I won't try to save them, I won't cut them off completely. I can only pray... And seek the advice of others who are in the same boat as I.

I guess I was hoping for some kind of reply that either says, I have been there... or tells me what to watch out for, or what not to do, etc. Like I said, this is all new to me. I don't know much about alcoholism, except that I'd personally like to destroy it.

Thanks for reading my story.
:ghug

GiveLove

PowerWithin,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us too! I'd encourage you to read around here, read peoples' stories, and especially read through the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Educate yourself about alcoholism, which is crafty and sad. Knowledge IS power, in this case....arm yourself with it. Resist the temptation, when you read posts, to dismiss them as "Oh, well, my friend would never do THAT"......because you really don't know this. He has lied to you very convincingly already, and I'd be wondering at this point what else might be concealed from your view (around his substance abuse or other)

The problem with alcoholics and alcoholism - one of many - is that the alcoholic MUST take responsibility for their drinking and for their recovery. So there are no rules about what you should or shouldn't do, say, be, if what you're worried about is relapse. If you're worried about enabling, that's a different story entirely. I don't know anything about your relationship with him. I don't know if he manipulates your feelings, or borrows money, or if he has trouble holding down a job, or any of that....but read some of the posts here and try to learn more about enabling and how to avoid it. There is astonishing wisdom on this board and I'm glad you'll now have the chance to take advantage of it!!

And by the way:

Just to point this out, for what it's worth: This is an untrue, self-limiting statement. You can walk away whenever the pain of staying exceeds the pain of letting go, and you must. If his choices hurt you, it doesn't do ANYONE any good to stay in that friendship-and-more....not you, not him, noone. I'm sure he's a great person. They all are, except for that one small problem that alcohol is the most important thing in their life.

We have all been there, or we wouldn't be here. And there is hope of all kinds...which you'll see from the crazy quilt of stories. Take care of YOU -- which is, after all, the only territory you can really control.

Hugs,
GL

Daisy30

Welcome!

Many of us have been in your shoes. You will find lots of support here

GL has some great advice. I just want to add. You can also go to al-anon to get support. Many of us here go and the benefits are wonderful.

Take care of you

Keep posting!

PowerWithin

Thanks GL and Daisy!

I have read around this forum some, and plan on reading much more!

I just wanted to give an update. He (my friend) has started being open about his feelings toward me, such as considering being with me in the future, etc. I am so glad I found this forum when I did! Had I not found you, I may have responded in ignorance rather than caution!

What I have learned the most so far, is to LISTEN to the voice within myself saying, "NOOO!!!!!" It seems like a painful whisper that won't go away, because I want to be happy with this person for the rest of my life! I just know it cannot be that way. I continue my head vs. heart battle. The more knowledge I am gaining about alcoholism, the more I am telling my heart to stop being naive.

The truth is, if this was a relationship worth pursuing, my head wouldn't differ from my heart. And that fact is something I can no longer ignore.