Language of Letting Go - Jan. 11 - Letting Go of Guilt
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Jan. 11 - Letting Go of Guilt
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Guilt
"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt - earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Letting Go of Guilt
"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt - earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thinking it is more that you are probably a sweet, caring woman who wanted everything to be ok at whatever price to you. Then, you realized that..."nope, not my stuff!" Good for you. I read this piece in my book this morning and then just again now. It is amazing how much we take on ourselves... or at least how much I take on myself as my fault... most of it ain't!!!!
I thought about how I feel guilty because my kids are having a hard time with Dad and I not being together. How it is my fault because I made the decision to end the marriage. BUT in reality... it is not my fault and although I hate the situation, I should not feel guilt. AH made the decisions to use drugs, lie and manipulate me and HE is the one if anyone who should feel guilty or at least own what has happened.
On good days, I remember this. Thanks for helping me to stay in the light and perhaps on the track of a good day.
I thought about how I feel guilty because my kids are having a hard time with Dad and I not being together. How it is my fault because I made the decision to end the marriage. BUT in reality... it is not my fault and although I hate the situation, I should not feel guilt. AH made the decisions to use drugs, lie and manipulate me and HE is the one if anyone who should feel guilty or at least own what has happened.
On good days, I remember this. Thanks for helping me to stay in the light and perhaps on the track of a good day.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I spent most of my life apologizing for everything. If it rained and the picnic was cancelled I was right there apologizing. And, I imagine that God was up there chuckling that I imagined myself so powerful that I could control the weather.
I was very codependent. I took on everyone else's feelings and really thought I HAD the power to make someone happy or sad or angry... it took a long time in recovery until I understood that each person owns his own feelings.
I love this and will use it as my mantra today as well:
Thanks Ann
I was very codependent. I took on everyone else's feelings and really thought I HAD the power to make someone happy or sad or angry... it took a long time in recovery until I understood that each person owns his own feelings.
I love this and will use it as my mantra today as well:
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
We woen are champions of feeling guilty, aren't we?
For example--
A Friend: I have such a terrible cold today.
Me: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Hmmmm.....why do I say I'm sorry when I did not give my friend the cold? It's such a knee-jerk reaction on my part. I'm supposed to make everything all right for everyone around me (whooop whooop whooop - codie alarm).
Still workin' on it!
HG
For example--
A Friend: I have such a terrible cold today.
Me: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Hmmmm.....why do I say I'm sorry when I did not give my friend the cold? It's such a knee-jerk reaction on my part. I'm supposed to make everything all right for everyone around me (whooop whooop whooop - codie alarm).
Still workin' on it!
HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Feeling guilty has always been a problem for me. Others have known this, so have used it to manipulate me...but not anymore..they still try...I still struggle with it...but now I know whats happening and tell myself I AM NOT GOING TO FEEL GUILTY. I will use that quote as my mantra too!!!! Light and Love are on my side.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I, as well have suffered from the disease that is guilt for most of my life.
I think it goes hand in hand with feelings of unworthiness.
I still suffer from guilt from time to time and it is a cue to bring a boundary or two back into focus and gently remind myself of what is mine and what is not.
and yes, lol, we canadians do apologize a lot, but that is part of our charm, n'est pa?
I think it goes hand in hand with feelings of unworthiness.
I still suffer from guilt from time to time and it is a cue to bring a boundary or two back into focus and gently remind myself of what is mine and what is not.
and yes, lol, we canadians do apologize a lot, but that is part of our charm, n'est pa?
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