Crazy4Him

He also told them that he was really scared about it. And they all, in turn, called me. At first I was sure that he had bad-mouthed me to all of them and that they were calling to rip me a new one but I was pleasantly surprised to have had nothing but long, thoughtful conversations with them all. They have all been through this with him before he got sober the first time (I have only known him for a little over a year). He did tell them that I'd cut off all contact with him because of his drinking and they all completely understood which is, god... it's a relief. And he didn't drink yesterday. But that is just that. Yesterday.

Meanwhile, I woke up for the first time this morning feeling a little less sick. Not exactly at peace, but it's a start. He also texted me this.

'Hey. I can only guess u don't want ur stuff cuz youre beyond angry. I was a real ******* last night. I was angry. I've been angry and frustrated for a while i guess. I dont really know why im writing this. I guess i worry ur out there suffering and its my fault and i can't help. I know i said hurtful things. I feel like it's been my actions that hurt u the most. I wasn't really trying to hurt u with my problems or my addictions so i am sorry. I stayed sober today and felt pretty good about it so we'll see i guess. I hope i do well. I hope ur well and calm and happy and I still have ur stuff if u want it'. I did not respond so he sent me this 'Help me out, Michelle. Answer the phone please.' Again, HIM. He's the victim. Right?

So what is this? Is this (calling all of his close ones, apologizing) another step in the right direction for him? Progress? Or just another manipulative ploy?

Also, before he started drinking he was always telling me sweet, romantic things that now seem to be on auto-pilot. I'm trying not to delude myself into believing all of the sweet things that he says, but I figure there must be some truth behind them if they were words he said to me while he was still two years sober right?

I know I should stop worrying about him and focus on myself and I think that I am, but I can't seem to stop caring whether he is drinking or not.

LaTeeDa

There is absolutely no way to know RIGHT NOW. The only thing that will answer those questions is time.

L

queenteree

IMHO, coming from someone who's been there, it's a manipulative ploy. My AH does this all the time, used to know exactly how to reel people back in. See, when he's drunk after a short stint at sobriety, he calls all his family and close friends. They know he's drunk again, yet say "how are you?" He responds "not good ... I f***ed up again" and starts crying about how he's messed up his life again, I'm gonna leave him, he needs a place to stay, blah blah blah, quack, quack, quack ... They used to all feel sorry for him, try to "talk" him into getting sober again. Now they just point blank tell him to call them when he's sober. I can't speak for your AH, but I know mine - he does this to "feel out" everyone, to see if they will fall for his ploy to be his next "enabler". But everyone now is kinda sick of the "poor me", it's worn itself thin. So now it's on to the bars, where he can sit with all the other drunks, after all ... they "understand".

Barbara52

You can care from a distance without getting involved. It's what I do about xAH. It's not in my best interest to do anything more.

GiveLove

If he's able to stay sober for a respectable period of time, then you can start to assume that he might just love himself enough to be in a relationship.

Take care of yourself --

Seren

I vote for "manipulative ploy", but I must admit I'm a bit cynical at the moment....

I agree so much with what others at SR say...it's actions, not words that count. I'm sorry that you have to worry so much. I'm glad that your morning was a bit better and hope for each following morning to be a bit better still!

Please take care!
HG

Crazy4Him

It is the first text he's sent me since he started drinking that he was actually taking responsibility for his actions. Admitting he was wrong. Taking about MY well behind as well as his. I figure he's either changing himself for the better or he is just coming at me from a different angle because he knows I'm wise to him. I told him about this board and you guys and how much you've helped me. :ghug

It could go either way, though. What a tricky beast, this disease.

drained22

I never seen this tactic used before, my alkie was very manipulative but never in this type of behavior. although her manipulative behavior was questioned when I learned what was happening. (in the very beginning too).

what happened to me is.. emotional detachment by default. it was the same old story every time. I just got tired of it and saw it wasnt going to go anywhere. she is probably doing the same thing as she was doing. she never really admitted being an alcoholic. the closet she ever got was saying she had dysfunctions or drinks too much but never went to AA.

Lilyflower

I agree with LTD, at present he may well be manipulating. The only way you will know for sure is if he goes through and commits to his words.

Look for the actions not the words!

In the meantime, you have your choices. Only you can decide what you want to accept and what is unacceptable. You make your boundaries for yourself, to keep your peace and happiness.

One thing I would bear in mind is that A's do suffer from relapses. This is one. There may be more in the future even if he does recover again. Check out Queenteree's posts about her AH.

Good luck to you!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx