Tremendous guilt and anxiety..long
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
Tremendous guilt and anxiety..long
Okay, so ABF is locked up, and has been since Saturday for possession. Hasn't been charged with the VOP yet, but am sure that one is coming. I told him I cannot afford to bail him out because I am already almost destitute because he had lost yet another job right after Thanksgiving. That job took eight months to get! I am feeling horrible guilt and sadness mixed with unbelievable anger at the position I am in right now. On the one hand, I want to yell, scream, point fingers and say This is all your fault!! and then on the other hand, I want to kick myself for being sooo stupid, yet again.
I did finally find the strength to kick him out in the beginning of December, but he begged and pleaded for another chance, started going to meetings almost daily, and then spent most of his time here, at my house. He was offering assistance with housekeeping, chores, and just general maintenance, and I let him keep coming over even though I really didn't want to. I was starting to see what it was like with a little more peace in the house again, and I didn't have to listen to him constantly berate and badger my 7yr old daughter. (who he blames for the demise of OUR relationship because I don't discipline her properly according to him) , of course it has nothing to do with all the financial troubles, legal troubles and everything else having to do with his addiction.
He went to meetings constantly and I was starting to have hope. When all of a sudden, BAM...had that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right, he seemed off. Come to find out he was buying pills from some guy at AA. He told me,"He understands what its like to live in chronic pain...blah, blah, blah..., and I've talked to plenty of people, and it doesn't jeopordize my sobriety if I need them...blah, blah," My daughter came out in the middle of the argument to hand me a narcotic painkiller that she found on the floor. Again, told him get out, right now! he took off on the bike like a maniac! The bike was screaming through my neighborhood, full of kids...he had to be doing at least 80mph! when twenty minutes before that, he could barely hold up his head and could barely be understood when he spoke to me, he was slurring so badly. I panicked, and called the police, I was so terrified of what he might do to himself or someone else...I don't know if I will ever feel good about that decision, because it was just a few short moments later that they pulled him over and arrested him. Now I find out that each and every pill he had on him will probably be a seperate charge, and he had several, plus the VOP, and he wasn't supposed to be driving anyway because he has a hardship license for work purposes only....I feel SO GUILTY. Has anyone ever called the police and then felt horrible about it? Part of me knows I did the right thing, the other part of me feels like I should have just left it alone, and not interfered.
Yes, he had a pretty bad bike wreck two and a half years ago, spent the last two years in pain management, until I said that's it, can't take it anymore, either get off the meds or get out! He was taking his full months prescription in a week and a half or less. constantly passed out, stealing from us, lying, borrowing money from everybody and anybody he could. I found out that on Thanksgiving Day, while I was at work he had a dealer come to my house! then he had the nerve to show up at my family's home all messed up. That did it for me, that is when I finally asked him to leave.
I do love him, the guy that I know is somewhere in there. He was the most romantic, sweet and thoughtful men I had ever met. He is so intelligent, and that is really appealing to me. Exactly what happened to my intelligence? Not sure. I kept believing his lies, was shocked each and every time I caught him in another one, and really wanted to believe that he loved me as much as he said he did.
What I guess I'm really having trouble with is the fact that I know, and HATE all the things he has done to me and my daughter, but for some weird reason, still feel sorry for him, don't want to see him suffer etc. I feel like a freak sometimes because I don't know which end is up. Don't know what I really feel...or am I really feeling all of it?
Don't know if it gets better or will I always feel like this? I do know that I have read lots of posts here, and I see many people that are going through the same or very similar circumstances, and that is comforting. I have spent the last two years of my life being obsessed with my bf and his using, it sucked all my energy from me. Now, I am still feeling like the life is being sucked out of me by MY feelings. Feel exhausted and drained. Guess that's it for now. Sure is nice to have a place to be able to just get this stuff out instead of having to hold it to myself because others don't understand.
I did finally find the strength to kick him out in the beginning of December, but he begged and pleaded for another chance, started going to meetings almost daily, and then spent most of his time here, at my house. He was offering assistance with housekeeping, chores, and just general maintenance, and I let him keep coming over even though I really didn't want to. I was starting to see what it was like with a little more peace in the house again, and I didn't have to listen to him constantly berate and badger my 7yr old daughter. (who he blames for the demise of OUR relationship because I don't discipline her properly according to him) , of course it has nothing to do with all the financial troubles, legal troubles and everything else having to do with his addiction.
He went to meetings constantly and I was starting to have hope. When all of a sudden, BAM...had that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right, he seemed off. Come to find out he was buying pills from some guy at AA. He told me,"He understands what its like to live in chronic pain...blah, blah, blah..., and I've talked to plenty of people, and it doesn't jeopordize my sobriety if I need them...blah, blah," My daughter came out in the middle of the argument to hand me a narcotic painkiller that she found on the floor. Again, told him get out, right now! he took off on the bike like a maniac! The bike was screaming through my neighborhood, full of kids...he had to be doing at least 80mph! when twenty minutes before that, he could barely hold up his head and could barely be understood when he spoke to me, he was slurring so badly. I panicked, and called the police, I was so terrified of what he might do to himself or someone else...I don't know if I will ever feel good about that decision, because it was just a few short moments later that they pulled him over and arrested him. Now I find out that each and every pill he had on him will probably be a seperate charge, and he had several, plus the VOP, and he wasn't supposed to be driving anyway because he has a hardship license for work purposes only....I feel SO GUILTY. Has anyone ever called the police and then felt horrible about it? Part of me knows I did the right thing, the other part of me feels like I should have just left it alone, and not interfered.
Yes, he had a pretty bad bike wreck two and a half years ago, spent the last two years in pain management, until I said that's it, can't take it anymore, either get off the meds or get out! He was taking his full months prescription in a week and a half or less. constantly passed out, stealing from us, lying, borrowing money from everybody and anybody he could. I found out that on Thanksgiving Day, while I was at work he had a dealer come to my house! then he had the nerve to show up at my family's home all messed up. That did it for me, that is when I finally asked him to leave.
I do love him, the guy that I know is somewhere in there. He was the most romantic, sweet and thoughtful men I had ever met. He is so intelligent, and that is really appealing to me. Exactly what happened to my intelligence? Not sure. I kept believing his lies, was shocked each and every time I caught him in another one, and really wanted to believe that he loved me as much as he said he did.
What I guess I'm really having trouble with is the fact that I know, and HATE all the things he has done to me and my daughter, but for some weird reason, still feel sorry for him, don't want to see him suffer etc. I feel like a freak sometimes because I don't know which end is up. Don't know what I really feel...or am I really feeling all of it?
Don't know if it gets better or will I always feel like this? I do know that I have read lots of posts here, and I see many people that are going through the same or very similar circumstances, and that is comforting. I have spent the last two years of my life being obsessed with my bf and his using, it sucked all my energy from me. Now, I am still feeling like the life is being sucked out of me by MY feelings. Feel exhausted and drained. Guess that's it for now. Sure is nice to have a place to be able to just get this stuff out instead of having to hold it to myself because others don't understand.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I don't mean to sound mean because I understand the pain you are feeling. But where in this equation is your 7 year old daughter fitting in. Is this the life you want for her. A life where she is being constantly berated by a drug addict. Do you want her to grow up and make the same choices that you did because most likely she will. You did yourself and your daughter a big favor by calling the police. You did not cause his addiction and the choices that he made. You only own your own choices. He broke the law, he violated his probation, he made the choice to use rather than get help. You are not responsible for what is happening to him. Your responsibility lies with you and your daughter. Protect her from his abuse. Make her your number one priority. And do not bail him out. Let him sit with his choices. I am saying all these things because no matter what you do or do not do you can't change him, but you can find peace for yourself and your precious child. Find some Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings, come here and read and post. Others will be along to give you their experience, strength and hope. Hugs, Marle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
She is the ONLY reason I have been able and continue to be able to find the strength to go against him at all. I don't know why I kept staying in a relationship where I wouldn't even leave the two of them in the same room for a millisecond without me there. Sick, I know...why would I even consider staying in it at all... no clue.
But I assure you, I love my daughter with all that I am, she is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I want only happiness for her and know in my heart that includes a life without him.
But I assure you, I love my daughter with all that I am, she is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I want only happiness for her and know in my heart that includes a life without him.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You may have saved someone's life by calling the Police. Feel good about doing the right thing.
Addction is progressive and the consequences are prison and/or death. His choices- his consequences. And there is not a darn thing you can do about it.
You have one job and that's providing a safe enviornment for your child. Living with an active addict is dangereous to her well being.
Do the right thing and put her interests before your own.
Addction is progressive and the consequences are prison and/or death. His choices- his consequences. And there is not a darn thing you can do about it.
You have one job and that's providing a safe enviornment for your child. Living with an active addict is dangereous to her well being.
Do the right thing and put her interests before your own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
I know you are both right, and thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts on my situation. I know I have alot of work ahead of me and do just want to provide the best life possible for my daughter.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by bmychelle 
I don't know why I kept staying in a relationship where I wouldn't even leave the two of them in the same room for a millisecond without me there. Sick, I know...why would I even consider staying in it at all... no clue.
I wanted her at home because I thought I could control her addiction and our reactions to it. I wanted my cake and to eat it, too. What shocked me was to realize that is exactly how the addict thinks. She thought she could control it with no consequences.
I was just as sick and addicted to my daughter as she was to her drug.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Someone a long time ago told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I dont always agree with that but in your situation I think it is appropriate. For your daughter to be emotionally abused and you to sit around and do nothing would be something to feel guilty about. For your daughter to learn through the adults she lives with that drug abuse is okay would also be something to feel guilty about. Throwing an addict out when he is messed up around your daughter is what a responsible parent does. He is not in jail becuase of anything you did.
My son constantly would blame me for being in jail but the bottom line is if it would have been me who did something wrong then i would be in jail not him. Your bf puts your daughter in danger of so many things whenever he is around her high so bottom line if he is high he cannot be around her so you did the right thing. So way to go - now give yourself permission not to feel guilty because you did exactly what any responsible person would do in your situation and you never know you may have saved his life.
Maybe without him there for a while you can figure out what the best thing for yourself and your daughter is. i know you want to do the best thing for your daughter but you also deserve to be treated with respect, love and kindness. You may have to give these things to yourself before you can expect him or anyone else to.
My son constantly would blame me for being in jail but the bottom line is if it would have been me who did something wrong then i would be in jail not him. Your bf puts your daughter in danger of so many things whenever he is around her high so bottom line if he is high he cannot be around her so you did the right thing. So way to go - now give yourself permission not to feel guilty because you did exactly what any responsible person would do in your situation and you never know you may have saved his life.
Maybe without him there for a while you can figure out what the best thing for yourself and your daughter is. i know you want to do the best thing for your daughter but you also deserve to be treated with respect, love and kindness. You may have to give these things to yourself before you can expect him or anyone else to.
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