dazednconfuzed

Compared to many people on this site, I feel as though I'm such an unloving person. I've read some beautiful posts of people who truly love(d) their A's. I wasn't always this way but after years of emotional and verbal abuse at the 'hands' of the A, I'm hateful. I don't feel like I love him at all. I don't have compassion when he is choking his guts out or stumbling and falling. I do help him, but I sometimes don't even want to. I can't even believe that I can say that. Compassion and empathy were once my middle names.

I have also become "bi-polar" - not necessarily having the diagnosis, but my mood swings are out of control and I was rarely this way before getting involved with the A. One minute everything is fine, and suddenly I feel a surge rage and anger and blame. He's got some great qualities, which when they're in play, I almost forget the monster, so perhaps this is what causes such an extreme fluctuation.

I surmised some time ago that if I were to love someone who called me the most horrible names imaginable, that I couldn't love myself very much, so I chose to love myself instead (or at least that was my reasoning).

Yes - I am doing us both a disservice by remaining in this relationship, but I am so physically weak now, that it's all I can do to make it through the day, much less take care of and plan the preparation and selling of a huge home, or finding the capital to be able to do that with. On top of that is the prospects of taking many months to sell, which would put me over the top. I figured that in 13 years, alcohol has cost the budget $150,000. - give or take.

I feel like I hate everyone now (not just the A). Pre-A I was compassionate and caring. Now I'm angry and aloof to everyone else's suffering.

I'm trapped and I don't have the strength to get out. I know it's codependence but in order to stop being codependent, you have to be able to take care of yourself, which I can't anymore (in a lot of pain but refuse to get addicted to painkillers to cope) Catch-22.

I was supposed to go to my first Al-Anon meeting on New Year's Eve but the A pressured me not to and the weather was horrible so I didn't. Hoping to go this week. Hoping I can gain some persective that I don't have anymore ...

embraced2000

dazed, you could have almost written a page right out of my life with my xah.

the emotional toll is tremendous. that is why, in al-anon, they say we end up being so much sicker than the alcoholic.

we try to make sense out of nonsense. we try to take care of everything. we try to wrap our minds around the fact that they can be so loving, then so bizarre.

it's enough to drive one insane.

i, too, wound up just hating everyone. i worked in the hospitality industry and when i saw someone coming into the office with an ice bucket, i wanted to trip them, hit them over the head with the ice bucket, and scream at them.......it's 11:00 at night....go to bed, damnit!!!! it got really bad.

i was not cold. i was just trying to cope with the insanity in my life. i lashed out at other people.

do you have other options about selling the house? can you make him leave while the house is being sold?

can you set aside one hour each day just for yourself? i used to do that.....it was my own little secret that kept me going. i would go out in the garden and work, or organize a junk drawer, or give myself a facial, or......hold onto your hat....the famous bubble bath! lol

actually, i tried to steer clear of the bubble baths because it was such a cliche in al-anon......i used to think.....hells fire.....i'm living with the devil himself, and you want me to take a f'in bubble bath??? like that's gonna help anything????? don't ya'll know what i'm living in?????

remember, this too shall pass. try to do one thing for yourself today....i guarantee you will feel just a tiny bit better.

one time, i detailed my car. another time, i packed up things that i knew i wouldn't be using. went to wal-mart and bought some tubs, organized things, labeled things, and packed beautifully. gave me a sense of accomplishment. course by the end of the packing, i was laying sheets in the floor and just throwing everything i could find onto the sheet, tying it up like a hobo bag and escaping.

hope your day is better and you find some serenity

tommyk

Alcoholics love to take (and keep) volunteer hostages.

We each face our own choices each day. Maybe someday your choice will change?

Every day is a new day.

ToughChoices

It helps me to remember that everyone here, in spite of our common experiences, has also walked a unique path.
For some of us alcoholism has meant irresponsibility and annoyance. Loneliness.
For others it has involved physical pain, emotional abuse, and harm to children. Debt, infidelity, and even prison.

Some offenses are more difficult to forgive than others.
No one else has lived your life or felt your pain.
I think that forgiveness comes in its own time - working on your own recovery (through Al-Anon and this site, if those are helpful for you) will bring about the peace that you desire.

Be gentle with yourself and your progress.
I'm glad that you're here.

-TC

Lilyflower

Hi dazed,

I began my journey dating alcoholics/addicts roughly 10 years ago. I can identify with ''compassion'' is my middle name, I felt that too back then.

Then for a long time, I felt I had lost that feeling toward ANY one, whether addict or not. I hated the world, hated people and couldn't form meaningful relationships. In my personal journey I felt akin to people who used, I dabbled in using myself.

It took many many years of work to begin to get back to that compassion I once had, now I feel it coming back.

Keep working on yourself, seek therapy if you wish it to work through things, or even just some great self help books like Melody Beattie's. Your anger will lesson and you will feel more yourself again.

Keep posting/reading
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

embraced2000

dazed, there is, imho, nothing wrong with being put on meds to help you through this time.

i can remember having panic attacks so badly that i couldn't go out in public, and when i did, i often left a fully loaded grocery cart in the aisle and ran fast as i could to get to the safety of my car. i was under a doc's care, and when he saw fit, he tapered me off the meds. they helped tremendously. during the days of the panic attacks, i would have heart arrythmia's so badly that i thought my heart would stop. i wore a device for 24 hours that recorded my heart activity, and it showed that over 700 times in a 24 hr period, that i was having severe arrythmias. (irregular heart beats) i would have to bear down and grunt like i was having a childbirth contraction to stop them.

it gets better when you begin taking baby steps towards taking care of yourself. that idea used to be so foreign to me. i thought it meant doing something really big, but that was not the case.

i would do little things that was my time only.....i would wait for my xah to go to bed and make a list of books i wanted to read. sounds simple, but i had not allowed myself that luxury for years.

i organized my closet and drawers. my home had became a shambles because of the depression and hopelessness i felt. each thing i did, boosted me just a little.

hope some of this helps.

Still Waters

Dazed,

Ask someone for help. Family, friends, Al-anon members, a counselor, etc. If you need a bit of a boost to get moving in a positive direction for you and your health, then ask for help!

I finally had to do that, and it was a simple as a conversation with my counselor. I can't tell you how helpful it was to hear someone tell me I wasn't crazy, and ask me "what are you going to do to change this?".