questionsofmine

My father has been visiting for the last week. During the first half of his visit, my husband has been on his very best behavior. Well, last night proved to be a bit too much for him. I could tell he had been secretly drinking yesterday late afternoon by the very subtle change in his mannerisms -- very heavy eyelids when talking, very long, irritated stares in my direction, etc. My husband ended up blowing up at me and going to bed at 8:30 because I told him I didn't want him to put away my mother's china and crystal (my mom passed away a few months ago and these items are really precious to me), that I would do it. He said he was absolutely fine and I was being completely ridiculous and out of line. I replied in a very calm manner that it was his choice to drink, that I couldn't do anything about it, but that I didn't feel comfortable with him putting away my mother's heirlooms and I had certain boundaries (aside from this one, the only others having to do with caring for our small children when he's drinking). He was furious and stomped off to bed, but not before saying under his breath that "he's done" and this "makes his decision even easier." (he's been threatening to divorce me; in fairness I have mentioned to him that it might be a good idea for us to possibly separate; the only reason I'm staying right now is that based on my very detailed research, its unlikely that a court would order supervised visitation with no DUI history, etc. -- with two very young children, I don't want to risk their safety as he will most certainly drink when they are under his care)

My dad thought he seemed okay, particularly since my husband only had a glass or two of wine in his presence. My dad said he had been a bit irritating, but didn't think that he was completely drunk. The "problem" is that my husband rarely gets falling down drunk, instead he just "falls asleep." I could tell my father was doubting what my gut was telling me, so even though I shouldn't have to, I decided to find some of the alcohol I was positive my husband was hiding to prove my perceptions. Well, I found a motherload...about seven 1.75 liters of Vodka, most completely empty, a couple with a bit of alcohol in it hidden in some recycling bins in the back of the garage (also last week while looking for a place to hide my children's Christmas presents, I found an almost full bottle of Vodka hidden in a roll of carpeting in our basement -- that one disappeared rather quickly and hasn't been replaced -- I never said anything to him about it). As most of the alcohol bottles from Thanksgiving had been recycled, I'm almost positive all of this had been from the last month. So, here's the question, do I mention anything to my husband or just let it go? He continues to maintain he isn't really drinking much these days (yeah right). I also take care of the finances and he gives me all receipts and haven't seen any alcohol purchases. Obviously, all this alcohol had been purchased with cash on the sly. I'm pretty sure he's been filling up the alcohol bottles in our kitchen with the stash in the garage (a few weeks ago I noticed that the volume in the sole vodka bottle was going up and then a "new brand" of vodka suddenly appeared too.) I'm so tired of being lied to and living with a man that is constantly angry with me. (Everyone else thinks he's the most wonderful father and husband in the world.) Do I confront him with this and let him know that its apparent he is still lying to me? I don't expect that this will get him to change, I suppose I just want him to know that he's not fooling anyone and that I have a right to set some boundaries (particularly with our children) when I rightly suspect that he's been secretly drinking. Thoughts? This site has been a wonderful resource. Thank you.

stillsearching

I mentioned it to my exah...but it didn't matter, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. All it did was upset me, didn't bother him. So I finally decided it was time for me to get out and not worry about it anymore....

LaTeeDa

Confronting him about it will likely result in one of two things. 1) He'll get sneakier about his hiding places. 2) He'll get angry. Maybe both.

Knowing what I know now, I think I would photograph what I found and make some notes about it. Date, time, last time recycling was done, etc. This documentation may be useful in your custody case.

L

whereami

When I approached with evidence it made me feel crazy to be treated as if there was nothing going on. The "crazymaking" as they call it ensued for the remainder of the time and I started doubting my own eyes. Maybe it was for someone else, maybe it was old...it doesn't matter because you have to make a decision that will benefit you and your health, happiness and security. Good luck with your decision, but remember that you are important and you need to take care of yourself.

laurie6781

Confronting him would be a waste of time.

However, take pictures of the empties, hopefully with a camera that has a date stamp. Take lots of pictures as the brands change, etc. This will become ammunition when it comes to 'custody and visitation.'

This is the time, you CYA and write everything done in a journal. This may sound petty to some, but judges do accept it into evidence as to what has been happening and will show the acceleration and progression.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

RosieM

Ditto what those guys said. It didn't make any difference what I said about my XAH's hidden bottles except to make him try harder to hide it. And then I went nuts thinking about what I was going to stumble upon and when. I finally figured out that he was on his own path and I had to find mine - and most especially I had to protect myself since looking out for me was not a priority for my husband in any way.

hadenoughnow

Take pics, preferably with a time/date stamp every time you find a bottle and give them to a friend to keep. I would not tell him or confront him about it. My ex gave me primary custody when he found out how much evidence I had.

Tally

Confronting the issue would probably cause a fruitless argument, cause him to get defensive or go on the attack, I personally woulda said nothing.

LTD's idea is a good one though, documenting stuff like this could prove useful in the future.

twistedruby

Buy a Polaroid camera.....find a place there at home to keep the photos, or have a trusted friend keep them..

Document everything....if not in a notebook you carry around....then maybe use the document or draft part of your email to secure it.....and you can add to it there as well until you are ready to print it out.
The advantage of Not using the email from your server is that *****, for example, is stored with *****.....not at your server.
You can go many places, access your email, and print out what you need....then deliver it to a friend or an atty. before going home.

Dates/location of booze/how much was there.

If you take the daily paper, put the front page showing headline next to each bottle you find on a particular day.
Write it down so you can document it in a permanent place later.

The photo(s) including the newspaper helps prove it was that day when you took the photo.

Hope this helps.

embraced2000

confrontation only made it worse in my case. and it only served to humiliate him and anger him. and it made me look superior in his eyes. and in mine, too.

good info from others.

i'm sorry you have this in your life.