sarawin

I think I have finally realized that my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He is very successful at work and never drinks during the day. We see each other mostly on weekends (as I live about 45 minutes away via public transport). On weekends (and presumably most weekdays when I am absent), he downs 2-3 bottles of wine each evening. His personality doesn’t really change, he’s still pretty sweet and harmless. Up until recently, I have been drinking with him (a fraction of the amount) mostly I think to avoid confronting his problem– I could pretend he was normal if I drank with him. Also, we were both smarting from recent divorces (no children), so I figured we were both temporarily "drowning our sorrows". I’ve stopped doing that recently and now have a glass of wine at most if I even bother. I didn't make a point about it, I just stopped drinking. I have in the past in a cursory manner mentioned to the boyfriend he drinks a great deal, but a few days ago I said it in a very direct manner. His response was to ask how his drinking impacts me. I can’t say that it directly does at the moment that much– we live (separately) in a city and don’t drive, and he doesn’t become an angry drunk or anything. The only particular thing I could point to was that when he is drunk he hogs the bed and snores loudly, which causes me to sleep on the sofa sometimes. I’m not sure where to go from here to show him consequences for his actions– should I leave in the middle of the night when he stumbles into bed (which would entail wandering the dark streets for a $50 cab ride home?). The other point I made was that although his drinking currently affected me only in a superficial way, I could not imagine marrying and having a family with someone who drinks so heavily. He didn't have any immediate reaction or response to this comment.
I have read a lot about alcoholics have to experience the consequences of their actions to stop, but I'm not sure what those are? It seems hypocritical to immediately break up with him because I suddenly started pointing out he is drinking too much. The other situations I read about seem so much more extreme-- my boyfriend doesn't borrow money or end up passed out on the street. He has no major personality changes other than he gets a little slurry when he drinks. Is his remark, "who am I hurting" possibly justified?
Also, no offense to anyone, but I am agnostic and prefer advice and proposed solutions to non-religious in nature, thanks!

Barbara52

Well, the amount he drinks is obviously a problem for you so by definition it's a problem in your relationship. There doesn't have to be any thing said beyond you find the amount he drinks to be unacceptible.

So the question becomes, how to handle what for you is unacceptable behavior. In many ways it doesn't matter what the unacceptbale behavior is. It could be you find his twiddling his thumbs unacceptble.

How unacceptbale is it? Can you tolerate it? Is it a deal breaker for you? If it's not a deal breaker, what level of the behavior can you tolerate? What are you willing to do if that level of behavior is exceeded? How do you view his statements that his behvaior shouldn't be a problem for you along with the apparent unwillingness to recognize your needs/wants/perceptions of what is happening?

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, sara!
I'm glad that you're here!

While it is true that many (most? all?) alcoholics who find recovery do so, at least in part, because they have experienced negative consequences as a result of their drinking, I've found greater peace waiting for natural consequences to arise, rather than forcing them upon my A.

Many of my initial reactions to my husband's alcohol consumption were designed to convince him to stop. Kind of like, "See what you made me do!"

In the beginning he'd drink too much, but be generally pleasant. I made him sleep on the couch - not because I didn't want him in bed with me, but because I thought he needed to be punished for over-indulging.

Eventually, there came a time when I really didn't want him in bed with me.
'Cause he was loud and stinky.
Soon after there came a time when I really didn't want him living in the same home as me.
'Cause he was unreliable and (sometimes) mean.


That's a long way of saying: Do what you need to do to sleep well, enjoy your day, have a pleasant dinner, etc....
That may mean spending an evening on the couch.
Or putting him in a late-night taxi.
Or making it known that you're only interested in spending time with him if alcohol is not involved.

Do it for you.
You don't need to facilitate anyone's "bottom" for them. People tend to find that all on their own.

Take care and keep posting!
-TC

guiab

sarawin,
What Barbara52 said is the key to the problem. What will you accept and what will you not accept?
Consider this: could you put up with the current behavior for 1 2, 5 years? Maybe it will get worse, maybe it will get better, and then again it may never change. If he gets defensive about his drinking then he may see it as part of his 'lifestyle', his personality, or 'way of life' and will not change until he wants to change. If you don't see his behavior as part of your future, then you have to decide what action to take for your own sanity and peace of mind.
Happy New Year. Keep it warm, and 'dry'.