I am new; I believe I will learn from this group
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: san antonio, tx
Posts: 6
I am new; I believe I will learn from this group
Today (Christmas) I became so frustrated that I found this group by searching "for help for the parent of an adult child alcoholic". I have attended Al-anon. I wonder if I have misunderstood my role in my daughter's recovery. I have been careful to not nag or comment when she shows up under the influence. Today her daughter, 11, told me about her Mother showing up at her school functions (musical concerts) after drinking. Last night the same thing happened at a Christmas Eve service. She was in rehab for a month. I thought there would be major changes. Instead, there is denial.
My question to family especially parents is how they handle these situations. Almost all of our family get togethers have been a disaster for the last 5 years.
Thanks,
My question to family especially parents is how they handle these situations. Almost all of our family get togethers have been a disaster for the last 5 years.
Thanks,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
It really doesn't matter weather it's a wife, husband, daughter sister etc. Al-Anon will help you understand the disease and how it affects you and what you can do to help yourself. You can't "do" anything for your daughter. You can't stop her from drinking but you can set a boundry for her on drinking and driving with her daughter. You can set a boundry for her on attending a family gathering under the influence. That is not nagging. You can support her when she's working on her recovery and not support her when she's in denial. My experience is that you must tell her what you will and will not accept and you can do it in a calm and loving way. This is what you will accept and this is what you will not accept. She will probably want to "fight" with you because boundry's take away the alcoholics control....and it sounds like she has all the control at this point because not one is setting rules for her. There are stickies regarding boundries on the top of the page...it's a good place to start.
Keep posting!
Keep posting!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey Volgal2! Welcome to the boards. I have not been here for very long myself, but just reading the posts of others going through the same thing have been SO helpful to me...I can't begin to describe it! Please keep reading and post any questions you may have. The support you will receive is incredible!
Best HG
Best HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi volgal,
Welcome to SR! You'll find tons of support and ideas here to help you craft your own solutions to the situation you find yourself in.
Supporting someone who is an alcoholic does not mean keeping your mouth shut when they show up under the influence, not nagging, letting her run roughshod over family gatherings, etc. You have a choice as to what you're comfortable with.
As an example, in my family our alcoholics know that if they phone when they're drunk, they will politely get hung up on, and when they're sober they'll get reminded that we don't accept calls from them when they're drunk. If they show up at a family gathering drunk, they are asked to leave, and prior to family events we are sure to catch them sober and make it clear that's what's going to happen. Recognizing that we have no control over their choices with alcohol, we have chosen to take a self-protective stance.
It is your (sad) job to set such boundaries to maintain your own sanity. But i suggest you take some time and ponder what you are and arent' willing to put up with from here on out, and discuss it with your family members. If you aren't attending or have never attended Al-Anon meetings (for loved ones of alcoholics) you may find them extremely enlightening, as I did.
You can't change their choices -- they have to WANT recovery for themselves, and seek it themselves. You can't love them sober. And allowing them to never suffer any repercussions for their drunken behavior is enabling.
You can protect yourself from alcoholism's madness....but that's really all you have the power to do. And pray she finds her way.
Hugs to you -- I know how hard this is.
Welcome to SR! You'll find tons of support and ideas here to help you craft your own solutions to the situation you find yourself in.
Supporting someone who is an alcoholic does not mean keeping your mouth shut when they show up under the influence, not nagging, letting her run roughshod over family gatherings, etc. You have a choice as to what you're comfortable with.
As an example, in my family our alcoholics know that if they phone when they're drunk, they will politely get hung up on, and when they're sober they'll get reminded that we don't accept calls from them when they're drunk. If they show up at a family gathering drunk, they are asked to leave, and prior to family events we are sure to catch them sober and make it clear that's what's going to happen. Recognizing that we have no control over their choices with alcohol, we have chosen to take a self-protective stance.
It is your (sad) job to set such boundaries to maintain your own sanity. But i suggest you take some time and ponder what you are and arent' willing to put up with from here on out, and discuss it with your family members. If you aren't attending or have never attended Al-Anon meetings (for loved ones of alcoholics) you may find them extremely enlightening, as I did.
You can't change their choices -- they have to WANT recovery for themselves, and seek it themselves. You can't love them sober. And allowing them to never suffer any repercussions for their drunken behavior is enabling.
You can protect yourself from alcoholism's madness....but that's really all you have the power to do. And pray she finds her way.
Hugs to you -- I know how hard this is.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from another mom.
There is no heartbreak like a child with problems, even when they are grown.
It must be doubly hard when you see your grandkids suffer.
learning to detach, set boundaries and working the 12 step program of al-anon greatly helped me. In my area there are al-anon mtgs. just for parents.
30 day treatments often don't do much to change behavior unless followed up by rigorous 12 step program, sponsor and mtgs. Your AD must need more negative conseq. to her drinking before she is will to do whatever necessary to get and stay sober.
Take care mom. Sometimes I had to not see my son for long stretches at a time.
Although, you probably want to spend as much time as possible with your grandchild, so that's prob. not an option.
Glad you found us.
There is no heartbreak like a child with problems, even when they are grown.
It must be doubly hard when you see your grandkids suffer.
learning to detach, set boundaries and working the 12 step program of al-anon greatly helped me. In my area there are al-anon mtgs. just for parents.
30 day treatments often don't do much to change behavior unless followed up by rigorous 12 step program, sponsor and mtgs. Your AD must need more negative conseq. to her drinking before she is will to do whatever necessary to get and stay sober.
Take care mom. Sometimes I had to not see my son for long stretches at a time.
Although, you probably want to spend as much time as possible with your grandchild, so that's prob. not an option.
Glad you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: san antonio, tx
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by DII 
It really doesn't matter weather it's a wife, husband, daughter sister etc. Al-Anon will help you understand the disease and how it affects you and what you can do to help yourself. You can't "do" anything for your daughter. You can't stop her from drinking but you can set a boundry for her on drinking and driving with her daughter. You can set a boundry for her on attending a family gathering under the influence. That is not nagging. You can support her when she's working on her recovery and not support her when she's in denial. My experience is that you must tell her what you will and will not accept and you can do it in a calm and loving way. This is what you will accept and this is what you will not accept. She will probably want to "fight" with you because boundry's take away the alcoholics control....and it sounds like she has all the control at this point because not one is setting rules for her. There are stickies regarding boundries on the top of the page...it's a good place to start.
Keep posting!
Keep posting!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by volgal2
Thanks for the input. Where is the information on "boundaries" that you refer to.
Boundaries are what GiveLove was talking about in her post:
As an example, in my family our alcoholics know that if they phone when they're drunk, they will politely get hung up on, and when they're sober they'll get reminded that we don't accept calls from them when they're drunk. If they show up at a family gathering drunk, they are asked to leave, and prior to family events we are sure to catch them sober and make it clear that's what's going to happen. Recognizing that we have no control over their choices with alcohol, we have chosen to take a self-protective stance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by volgal2
Thanks for the input. Where is the information on "boundaries" that you refer to.
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