lost sue

I have been married 21 years to an alcoholic. I have 2 beautiful daughters 20 and 12. We have been living a nightmare for the past 10 years. My husband goes to work and comes home and drinks all night. He goes to the basement and stumbles up the stairs to go to bed. I have been going to therapy because I am not sure what to do. Of course the therapist always wants to know how I feel after things have happened and I always give the same answer. I don't know how I feel, sick? Worn out from being kept up all night long since I don't want to go to bed with him. I can go to therapy for the rest of my life and still be lost. I understand that I have been mentally abused and I know that not all alcoholics are abusers and not all abusers are alcoholics but when do you leave and never look back? Can someone help me find my way?

denny57

Welcome, lost sue, glad you're here?

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was with xAH for almost 20 years.

Have you tried Al Anon or some other form of face to face support with other people who are going through the same? I found Al Anon and individual therapy really helped me.

Read the stickys at the top of the forum and keep posting!

freeflower

HI Lost Sue, I'm glad you found this web site. It has been a god send to me. I never trully understood alcoholism and never even heard of being codependent before I found sober recovery. I learn something knew everyday and it has helped me make decisions in my life and it is helping me map my future. Your story sounds a bit like mine and a bit like everyone elses on here. Keep reading, posting and asking questions. So many super people on here with lots of experience and knowledge.
Merry christmas

bookwyrm

Hi lost sue! Welcome!

You'll find that there are a lot of people here with similar stories to yours - its a bit spooky sometimes! I was with my STBXAH for over 18 years. People here talk about the alcoholic reaching their 'bottom' before they take action and the same can be said for us co dependants! Take the time to read through all the posts in the Classic Reading thread at the top of the forum. I go back to these time and again, each time leaving with a new nugget of wisdom to help me get through this and recover.

I have a couple of book recommendations for you too. Under the Influence taught me so much about alcoholism and what I could expect from the progression of the disease. Co dependant No More was an even bigger eye opener for me! I learned that I am a co dependant!! And it gave me practical steps towards healing myself. Try your library for copies or even BookMooch: exchange books and trade them, like a book swap or book barter (my favourite website).

Keep posting and sharing - this forum really can work wonders!

:ghug3

lost sue

Thank you for responding to my post. I hate to hear that I am not alone in this struggle of mine. But glad there are people who can relate. I have read so many books and still don't know how to get out and make a clean break. I am sure with time it will happen. I don't just want to do it for me but for my girls. My youngest daughter has seen things that I wish I could erase from her mind. I wish I could have it to where she doesn't hear the treats and mean words spoken when she lays in bed at night. I don't know if I should just call the police and have him removed or just one day not be here when he gets home??? I guess I will figure that one out too! Thanks again for the great posts and I will continue to read books and posts as often as I can. Will he ever see that he has a problem and that problem is not me?

nowinsituation

Lost Sue - Welcome and I am so sorry for all you are going through, and for your girls. I was married for 25 years, 2 kids. When I started thinking about ending my marriage I was so scared; and felt so guilty! I agree with the above advice of reading and definately going to Alanon. I walked in the door of Alanon almost exactly one year ago. When I left my first meeting I wasn't exactly sure how in the heck that program was going to help me? The only advice I got from them was "keep coming back it works". So, that's what I did; and somehow it does!

I felt trapped because I felt responsible for my husband's problems - maybe not for causing them but totally responsble for fixing them. We are now divorced (as of yesterday!) Today, I am free from his problems and am finally able to be myself and enjoy my life.

I will also add that I had NO idea how damaging that environment was for my daughter. I am thankful that we are out, and she is seeing a therapist to help her deal with the fallout. I didn't think it was damaging because my husband was not violent or verbally abusive. I now can see how we were all being emotionally abused.

I'm glad you are here, we are all here to support you in whatever you choose to do.

brundle

I would also say to check out Al-Anon meeting. As many of us here can tell you it can be one of the hardest things to leave your alcoholic. You'll read some posts here about people who really struggle trying to leave; it seems it's all part of alcoholisms evil plan.

Keep posting; nothing is easy with this. Keep helping yourself. As you do that (meetings, reading, coming here) things will get clearer. Also talk to a lawyer, knowing what you can do in your state is good.

Good Luck and Welcome,
Hugs

blessed4x

Welcome lost sue!! 21 years of marriage for me, too....and 4 kids ranging from 16 to 4. I've learned more here than I ever thought imaginable, am gaining strength to do what's got to be done for me and my kiddos. I've learned that, like in a crashing airplane, I have to save myself first in order to save my children. My AH is an adult, and will have to find his own oxygen mask. Seemed really selfish to me when I first heard it, but the more I've learned and the more people I've met who are living a joyful life on the other side, the more I believe it.

Take care, keep posting, keep learning!

GiveLove

Welcome, Sue! And like they say, "you're not lost; you're right here." Glad you're with us. There's a ton of support for you here if you would like to take steps toward something better for yourself.

I'd encourage you to read the "Classic Reading" and other sticky posts at the top of this forum's home page, but especially this one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

A lot of us have found our way out of abusive, sad, even dangerous situations by just taking one tiny baby step at a time in the right direction. Keep posting -- people here can tell you about their baby steps

Still Waters

He may, but then again, he may not Sue. How long will you wait on him to figure it out?

To my mind, you should want to do it for you also, because if you're like me you cannot be what you need to be for your girls living in that insane environment. It's a terrible decision to have to make, I know.

DII

Sue,

Try and work with your counselor more.....the "how you feel" is important to get through because the "what you want" comes only after you understand your feelings. I know this might not make sense but stay with it because it is important. Remember that you deserve to be what you want to be and feel as you want to feel. The A in your life is in charge now.

TakingCharge999

Hi lost sue
I am glad you are taking ownership of your own life
That is in my opinion very good news.
I am learning that I used to think my ex alcoholic boyfriend was the problem, but painfully realized I was the problem too - I was there to put up with his abuse.
I send you hugs and blessings!

imsherrie

you know what you need to do friend!!! Do what ever it takes ...hold on to hope for a brighter tommorow! Thats not living...you will find your way..then lost Sue will be found...and will be able to show others the way to freedom! Youll find the strenght..and people here will give you hope thru their struggles..just please..dont you give up!!!..Merry christmas Sue!!!!