Feeling Insecure
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Feeling Insecure
HI.
I am feeling a little insecure right now about my break up. Exabf cheated on me when I refused to communicate with him this summer when he was drunk and verablly abusive. Most here know the story, but he told me that he would get sober and asked me to wait on him. I did. We talked regularly, but I was at school and he told me he was working a treatment program at home. He asked me not to come home as he was getting himself together. During that time he told our friends that we were broken up and began seeing another woman whom he became engaged to after 2 months (while we were still together and he was telling me that we would get engaged this winter). Long story short, he now says that I should have known that he would get lonely. Part of me knows he is just blaming me for his actions, but I just became insecure as though the demise of our relationship and his infidelity is my fault. I cannot believe I am getting suckered by this.
I haven't and won't talk to him. A friend told me about it.
I am feeling a little insecure right now about my break up. Exabf cheated on me when I refused to communicate with him this summer when he was drunk and verablly abusive. Most here know the story, but he told me that he would get sober and asked me to wait on him. I did. We talked regularly, but I was at school and he told me he was working a treatment program at home. He asked me not to come home as he was getting himself together. During that time he told our friends that we were broken up and began seeing another woman whom he became engaged to after 2 months (while we were still together and he was telling me that we would get engaged this winter). Long story short, he now says that I should have known that he would get lonely. Part of me knows he is just blaming me for his actions, but I just became insecure as though the demise of our relationship and his infidelity is my fault. I cannot believe I am getting suckered by this.
I haven't and won't talk to him. A friend told me about it.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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How shameful of him to fool around behind your back, all the while professing his love for you--and blame you for his cheating and the breakup of your relationship. But then that seems to be par for the course with addicts.
You didn't cause him to cheat. You didn't cause the relationship to sour. He did that all by himself. You deserve much more than this.
Can you ask your friends to stop filling you in on the details of his life?
You didn't cause him to cheat. You didn't cause the relationship to sour. He did that all by himself. You deserve much more than this.
Can you ask your friends to stop filling you in on the details of his life?
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Thanks FD,
I have not been cheated on before and nothing this crazy has happened to me, so I feel insecure and like I am doubting myself and my perception.
As we were together for 4 years, I never thought he would cheat. He is one of those men who gets nervous around women he doesn't know.
The friend meant no harm, it came out in conversation.
I have not been cheated on before and nothing this crazy has happened to me, so I feel insecure and like I am doubting myself and my perception.
As we were together for 4 years, I never thought he would cheat. He is one of those men who gets nervous around women he doesn't know.
The friend meant no harm, it came out in conversation.
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I guess I feel insecure like if I was more loving, supportive or present, then none of this would have happened. I guess that is the controling part of me thinking that I could have stopped it. Not all alcoholics cheat and get engaged so fast, so my self esteem is just fragile right now.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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I'm sure she meant no harm, but since this knowledge seems to have shaken you to the core, why not be proactive and ask her to keep all such information to herself? It may save you a lot of grief.
The fact that he cheated on you means there's something lacking in him--not in you.
The fact that he cheated on you means there's something lacking in him--not in you.
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It sounds like your exbf was far more insecure than you. He became "lonely" and became engaged to another woman based on that? It sounds as if the thought of being alone with himself was more than he could handle.
I can certainly understand your feeling hurt by this type of betrayal. And it's a hard thing to get past. I hope you can look back on this as being a gift that you didn't end up married to this man.
You are not responsible for his cheating. That action was his alone and has nothing to do with you. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Don't doubt your perceptions ... people DO change, and sometimes their changes come to us in the form of ugly surprises.
Be easy on yourself.
I can certainly understand your feeling hurt by this type of betrayal. And it's a hard thing to get past. I hope you can look back on this as being a gift that you didn't end up married to this man.
You are not responsible for his cheating. That action was his alone and has nothing to do with you. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Don't doubt your perceptions ... people DO change, and sometimes their changes come to us in the form of ugly surprises.
Be easy on yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Miss Fixit,
Those feelings have been rather overwhelming at times for me. The XABF that I was involved with cheated on me and carried on his relationship with the woman that he cheated on me with for a month after I moved out and then 2 months later announced to our mutual friends that he was engaged to an entirely different woman. I have come to the realization that none of the insane things that he did and does has anything to do with me. They were his choices and have to do with his own insecurites, self hatred, and his lack of desire to do what it takes to get on a healthy path of recovery. Oh to be on that boat floating down the river Denial has to seem like a wonderful trip to some people, but you and I know better. You keep your chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are fabulous and worth all of the wonderful things that your healthy, beautiful life will bring your way!
Those feelings have been rather overwhelming at times for me. The XABF that I was involved with cheated on me and carried on his relationship with the woman that he cheated on me with for a month after I moved out and then 2 months later announced to our mutual friends that he was engaged to an entirely different woman. I have come to the realization that none of the insane things that he did and does has anything to do with me. They were his choices and have to do with his own insecurites, self hatred, and his lack of desire to do what it takes to get on a healthy path of recovery. Oh to be on that boat floating down the river Denial has to seem like a wonderful trip to some people, but you and I know better. You keep your chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are fabulous and worth all of the wonderful things that your healthy, beautiful life will bring your way!
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Thank you all. I hate feeling weak, but right now, tonight, I am struggling as I feel like a failure as a woman. I am in a demanding master's program and have to stay so focused on school (I graduate in May). He knows this and still I talked with him 5 + times per day and saw him when I could. It was just this summer when the lying, alcohol and verbal attacks (those were new) got too much with all my other responsibilities. He said he would work past them and I believed this. I am disappointed in myself for trusting him and angry at him for doing it. For him to spew this blame now hits my female nerves.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Thank you all. I hate feeling weak, but right now, tonight, I am struggling as I feel like a failure as a woman. I am in a demanding master's program and have to stay so focused on school (I graduate in May). He knows this and still I talked with him 5 + times per day and saw him when I could. It was just this summer when the lying, alcohol and verbal attacks (those were new) got too much with all my other responsibilities. He said he would work past them and I believed this. I am disappointed in myself for trusting him and angry at him for doing it. For him to spew this blame now hits my female nerves.
! You deserve better!
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Thank you CNMC2C.
My logical brain understands this. My emotional brain is pretty vulnerable. Trying to move forward and now I am done with this semester. I have only 3 classes in the srping to graduate, so I am focusing on that. This time of year though, I would rather be thinking about "couple" things. The only upside is that I don't have to compromise with anyone.
My logical brain understands this. My emotional brain is pretty vulnerable. Trying to move forward and now I am done with this semester. I have only 3 classes in the srping to graduate, so I am focusing on that. This time of year though, I would rather be thinking about "couple" things. The only upside is that I don't have to compromise with anyone.
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FixIt, can you get into counseling if you're not already? I know a young woman who went through a similar situation. Her ex became abusive towards the end of their relationship after they had been together for several years. They broke up over a year ago.
There wasn't another woman involved, but "Mistress Booze" was part of the equation. A good counselor can help you sort through your feelings.
This is a very difficult time of year for many of us. We have bad memories of our Christmases past. We miss our former partners, even if things weren't going well between us. We feel lonely. We feel abandoned. We keep hearing songs about goodwill and joy, but we feel little of either.
Please keep posting. I know this is a rough patch. Hey, I'm praying my AH stays passed out most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I'm used to spending them alone .... and it's a LOT better than the drama he pulled when he remained awake those two days!
There wasn't another woman involved, but "Mistress Booze" was part of the equation. A good counselor can help you sort through your feelings.
This is a very difficult time of year for many of us. We have bad memories of our Christmases past. We miss our former partners, even if things weren't going well between us. We feel lonely. We feel abandoned. We keep hearing songs about goodwill and joy, but we feel little of either.
Please keep posting. I know this is a rough patch. Hey, I'm praying my AH stays passed out most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I'm used to spending them alone .... and it's a LOT better than the drama he pulled when he remained awake those two days!
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Thank you CNMC2C.
My logical brain understands this. My emotional brain is pretty vulnerable. Trying to move forward and now I am done with this semester. I have only 3 classes in the srping to graduate, so I am focusing on that. This time of year though, I would rather be thinking about "couple" things. The only upside is that I don't have to compromise with anyone.
My logical brain understands this. My emotional brain is pretty vulnerable. Trying to move forward and now I am done with this semester. I have only 3 classes in the srping to graduate, so I am focusing on that. This time of year though, I would rather be thinking about "couple" things. The only upside is that I don't have to compromise with anyone.
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"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is an excellent read if you can get your hands on that book.
My EXAH was unfaithful to me before we ever got married, and I still married him. I accepted the blame for every crappy thing he did to me. I was sick beyond description when I left him.
You deserve so much better, and I hope you pursue some avenue to help yourself heal from the effects that your ex's alcoholism has had on you. :ghug
My EXAH was unfaithful to me before we ever got married, and I still married him. I accepted the blame for every crappy thing he did to me. I was sick beyond description when I left him.
You deserve so much better, and I hope you pursue some avenue to help yourself heal from the effects that your ex's alcoholism has had on you. :ghug
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It reminds me when I was in this important conference call in my job and a "Friend" told me.. "oh you know..there are messages all over his facebook, he is already going out with that girl" OUCH! I mean what do they gain to tell you about the ex. I think you need to tell everyone to avoid the subject...
I identify with your situation but you know, people alcoholics encounter are just tools for the addiction, as I was for him... enabling, driving when he was drunk, buying the bottles, laughing when he called me drunk at 4 AM while I worked at 7AM. Its true, it sounds like they cannot handle being alone with their thoughts. Guilt perhaps? Anyway, he does not even seem capable of going through the grief process, learning and realizing his own mistakes... wait.. it sounds a lot like my ex... may they be the same guy?? So not to be pessimistic but I hardly believe this "engangement" is our idea of love. IT sounds more like an escape. Remember the only thing active AHs love is the bottle. It could be Jennifer Aniston in front of them and NO, she would not win either.
By the way, did you hear Brad Pitt apologized to her after 4 years?
I identify with your situation but you know, people alcoholics encounter are just tools for the addiction, as I was for him... enabling, driving when he was drunk, buying the bottles, laughing when he called me drunk at 4 AM while I worked at 7AM. Its true, it sounds like they cannot handle being alone with their thoughts. Guilt perhaps? Anyway, he does not even seem capable of going through the grief process, learning and realizing his own mistakes... wait.. it sounds a lot like my ex... may they be the same guy?? So not to be pessimistic but I hardly believe this "engangement" is our idea of love. IT sounds more like an escape. Remember the only thing active AHs love is the bottle. It could be Jennifer Aniston in front of them and NO, she would not win either.
By the way, did you hear Brad Pitt apologized to her after 4 years?
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
This time of year though, I would rather be thinking about "couple" things.
Any way, boy am I ever grateful to NOT be concerned with "couple" things at this time of year! Specially not the couple which I was apart of with xaw. Really, thanks HP.
I have all kinds of invitations to all kinds of get togethers, and I don't have one shred of anxiety about xaw getting drunk and showing her arse. Hot damn!
Maybe this could be a blessing for you as well, I guess it would depend on your perspective.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S.
This has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I just saw it and it's SO my little kid right before Christmas.
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Thanks all.
Last night I just got hit with a massive amount of insecurity. Started questioning myself and if I was the cause of his infidelity, lies, drinking (he told me I was at one point). I recognize that he is "quacking" and I will try to not listen.
As a woman it is hard to hear that you are the reason for his loneliness and taking up with another woman. I actually tried as hard a I thought that I could. Still, there is doubt that I did not do enough and his statement hits that home.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Last night I just got hit with a massive amount of insecurity. Started questioning myself and if I was the cause of his infidelity, lies, drinking (he told me I was at one point). I recognize that he is "quacking" and I will try to not listen.
As a woman it is hard to hear that you are the reason for his loneliness and taking up with another woman. I actually tried as hard a I thought that I could. Still, there is doubt that I did not do enough and his statement hits that home.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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