I need help
Amy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: England
Posts: 10
I need help
Hi, I wondered if anyone could offer me any advice.
I live with my partner, we are Civil Partners and have been togethe for 3 yars. Before I met her I was totally niaive about drugs, I was 22 and never touched anything. Anyway, Emma, my partner, was heavily addicted to all kinds of drugs including heroin, codeine, valium, speed, cocaine, ketamine, cannabis, pretty much anything she could get her hands on for at least 15 years. She wanted to change and I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. She stopped taking everything and after a few months she was clean, save from the occasioanl relapse when she'd been hanging with the wrong people. But she cut those people out of her life and everything was going ok until summer before last when I found out she'd been taking co-codamol (parecetamol and codeine) in large quantities daily for months. Of course she lied about it and tried to deny it and it was so hurtful. I have helped her so much and never judged her for what she's done with her life. We got past that and I thought things were going right, I always say to her that she can tell me anything and I will help her as much as I can but then last night I found more co-codamol in her coat pocket. She made up lie after lie to explain herself out of it until eventually she told me that she had taken some. I don't believe what she told me about how much and for how long she's been taking it, I've learned that lesson! She is so upset that she's hurt me again by lying but I don't know if she will ever change, I don't know how much more lying I can take from her. I knew things were going to be tough when I realised the severity of her problem, and also she has bipolar disorder and she had a daughter when she was a teenager whos is now 17 and has severe attachment disorder turning into sociopathy, undoubtedly caused by her drug abuse.
I would just like to hear from someone else who has been in a similar position. I know it would be easy to read this and scream at me to get out but I don't know if I can. I am so involved, emotionally and financially and I love her so much it makes me ache. I know that deep down she is such a good person who has had the crappest life ever but I don't know if things will ever be ok, if she will ever stop ruining things that are good for her.
I would appreciate any opinions, no matter how harsh they may be.
I live with my partner, we are Civil Partners and have been togethe for 3 yars. Before I met her I was totally niaive about drugs, I was 22 and never touched anything. Anyway, Emma, my partner, was heavily addicted to all kinds of drugs including heroin, codeine, valium, speed, cocaine, ketamine, cannabis, pretty much anything she could get her hands on for at least 15 years. She wanted to change and I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. She stopped taking everything and after a few months she was clean, save from the occasioanl relapse when she'd been hanging with the wrong people. But she cut those people out of her life and everything was going ok until summer before last when I found out she'd been taking co-codamol (parecetamol and codeine) in large quantities daily for months. Of course she lied about it and tried to deny it and it was so hurtful. I have helped her so much and never judged her for what she's done with her life. We got past that and I thought things were going right, I always say to her that she can tell me anything and I will help her as much as I can but then last night I found more co-codamol in her coat pocket. She made up lie after lie to explain herself out of it until eventually she told me that she had taken some. I don't believe what she told me about how much and for how long she's been taking it, I've learned that lesson! She is so upset that she's hurt me again by lying but I don't know if she will ever change, I don't know how much more lying I can take from her. I knew things were going to be tough when I realised the severity of her problem, and also she has bipolar disorder and she had a daughter when she was a teenager whos is now 17 and has severe attachment disorder turning into sociopathy, undoubtedly caused by her drug abuse.
I would just like to hear from someone else who has been in a similar position. I know it would be easy to read this and scream at me to get out but I don't know if I can. I am so involved, emotionally and financially and I love her so much it makes me ache. I know that deep down she is such a good person who has had the crappest life ever but I don't know if things will ever be ok, if she will ever stop ruining things that are good for her.
I would appreciate any opinions, no matter how harsh they may be.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Many people who have had really lousy childhoods have turned out just fine....frankly, it is another excuse to keep using. Your partner needs help, and you do not have the resources to provide it....plus she has to ask for it herself. No matter how many things you do to "help", you will only make matters worse for her by allowing her to continue using. Stop....right now.
The definition of love is "The determination to do good for the beloved". Sometimes that love must be shown by allowing the user to feel the full impact of his/her addiction. Only then is there hope for recovery (see, I have been paying attention in the Al-Anon meetings!).
Please remember to take good care of yourself! HG
The definition of love is "The determination to do good for the beloved". Sometimes that love must be shown by allowing the user to feel the full impact of his/her addiction. Only then is there hope for recovery (see, I have been paying attention in the Al-Anon meetings!).
Please remember to take good care of yourself! HG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Welcome to SR! Many people here are going through your same situation.
I know how much you are hurting and how devasting this is to live through. My ex was addicted to oxy's and perc's. I tried many, many different approaches to making him get help and nothing worked. Finally, when the reality set in that his problem was far worse then I could ever imagine I had to ask him to leave.
This was almost 3 months ago. He started treatment. But because he isnt really working the program he is still in the same addictive patterns and has not changed much.
The only sound advice that was given to me (which I chose to ignore in the beginning) was to detach from the ex and let him live his own life. I didnt do it right away because I was afraid. That is how I knew that I was codependent. I thought if I let him go who is gonna be there to fix this or how will he get that done if I am not there. I fought letting go tooth and nail. But in reality to save my own sanity I had to.
So first things first. Get your self as much information about addiction as you can. There are alot of things on this site that you can read and learn from. Knowledge is power. Second, get the book Codependent No More. I didnt do this right away but recently I bought it and I wish I had this book years ago. Third, focus on yourself. By reading codependent no more you will find yourself in this book and be able to help yourself. There is nothing you can do for your partner. Nothing. You cant love her clean you cant you wont.
This is going to be hard for you but the faster you get into this line of thinking (you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant change it) the faster YOU can get better.
After being rejected over and over by my ex I finally learned (the hard way) that the people on this site really know what they are talking about. Take what you need/want leave the rest.
Take care. Keep reading. Keep posting. Good luck....
Cassandra
I know how much you are hurting and how devasting this is to live through. My ex was addicted to oxy's and perc's. I tried many, many different approaches to making him get help and nothing worked. Finally, when the reality set in that his problem was far worse then I could ever imagine I had to ask him to leave.
This was almost 3 months ago. He started treatment. But because he isnt really working the program he is still in the same addictive patterns and has not changed much.
The only sound advice that was given to me (which I chose to ignore in the beginning) was to detach from the ex and let him live his own life. I didnt do it right away because I was afraid. That is how I knew that I was codependent. I thought if I let him go who is gonna be there to fix this or how will he get that done if I am not there. I fought letting go tooth and nail. But in reality to save my own sanity I had to.
So first things first. Get your self as much information about addiction as you can. There are alot of things on this site that you can read and learn from. Knowledge is power. Second, get the book Codependent No More. I didnt do this right away but recently I bought it and I wish I had this book years ago. Third, focus on yourself. By reading codependent no more you will find yourself in this book and be able to help yourself. There is nothing you can do for your partner. Nothing. You cant love her clean you cant you wont.
This is going to be hard for you but the faster you get into this line of thinking (you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant change it) the faster YOU can get better.
After being rejected over and over by my ex I finally learned (the hard way) that the people on this site really know what they are talking about. Take what you need/want leave the rest.
Take care. Keep reading. Keep posting. Good luck....
Cassandra
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome to SR. I am sorry for you pain. As Cassandra said, there are many wonderful people here who will be along to support and provide some ideas to help you. The main focus needs to be you. You taking care of you. Your partner can't be "saved" by you... she has to find the strength and desire to take care of herself.
It hurts like heck... I know what it feels like to just want to make everything all better and get that person back to the person you love. You can't do it. That's harsh, but true. The constant lies are very damaging. You need to remember that YOU know the truth and you are healthy. You partner is in the grasp of the unhealthy jaws of addiction. It is such a spiral to allow yourself to be sucked in and lied to... you want to believe what she says, I am sure and I know from experience, you can start to doubt your own sanity and worth. DON'T! Stop the madness and distance yourself to help you start to think clearly and live a good life. Keep coming back. We are here for each other.
It hurts like heck... I know what it feels like to just want to make everything all better and get that person back to the person you love. You can't do it. That's harsh, but true. The constant lies are very damaging. You need to remember that YOU know the truth and you are healthy. You partner is in the grasp of the unhealthy jaws of addiction. It is such a spiral to allow yourself to be sucked in and lied to... you want to believe what she says, I am sure and I know from experience, you can start to doubt your own sanity and worth. DON'T! Stop the madness and distance yourself to help you start to think clearly and live a good life. Keep coming back. We are here for each other.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
We all know you cant love someone else unless you love yourself first. In addiction, you cant help someone with an addiction until you help yourself first. You need to focus on yourself. Equip yourself with the tools you are going to need to get through this whatever you decide to do.
No one here would ever tell you to leave a relationship because we all understand. The only time you will hear us say that is if there is physical abuse involved and it doesnt sound like that is your situation. Drop all the sterotypes you've ever thought about a drug addict -they're not the way movies would portray them. They are friends, daughters, sons, parents, business men, doctors, pastors, teachers, young and old - so basically anyone and anytype of person can be affected by addiction. It doesnt just hit so called "bad people" and I think that most of us would say that our loved one is not what we would characterize as a bad person - just someone we love that is out of control. Keep posting and reading and find yourself some help -you are an innocent victim of drug addiction but you dont have to stay in the victim role - you can empower yourself and rise above it.
No one here would ever tell you to leave a relationship because we all understand. The only time you will hear us say that is if there is physical abuse involved and it doesnt sound like that is your situation. Drop all the sterotypes you've ever thought about a drug addict -they're not the way movies would portray them. They are friends, daughters, sons, parents, business men, doctors, pastors, teachers, young and old - so basically anyone and anytype of person can be affected by addiction. It doesnt just hit so called "bad people" and I think that most of us would say that our loved one is not what we would characterize as a bad person - just someone we love that is out of control. Keep posting and reading and find yourself some help -you are an innocent victim of drug addiction but you dont have to stay in the victim role - you can empower yourself and rise above it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. you have come to the right place. you expect us to tell you how to get her clean but we can't. she has got to do that herself. we can give you advise on how to help you. read around,read the stickys & keep coming back. she has got to want to get clean before she will. prayers for you both.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
There are angels on this site who have been where you are, are in the same situation, etc. Once you read around the site, you will see some of the same things...there are 3 C's you must be aware of
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
and sadly ...you can't CURE it
If we could love our addicts outta addiction, none of us would be on this site. Cause believe me...we love our addicts dearly. My addict is my daughter, I am raising her son....if there was anything I could do....I would walk to the ends of the earth to find that magic cure.
There are a few stickys at the top of this page...one is What Addicts DO.......another is called....LET ME FALL...awesome reading really!!!
Welcome to SR....Hope you find some comfort here!
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
and sadly ...you can't CURE it
If we could love our addicts outta addiction, none of us would be on this site. Cause believe me...we love our addicts dearly. My addict is my daughter, I am raising her son....if there was anything I could do....I would walk to the ends of the earth to find that magic cure.
There are a few stickys at the top of this page...one is What Addicts DO.......another is called....LET ME FALL...awesome reading really!!!
Welcome to SR....Hope you find some comfort here!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!
You've been given good advice above..mainly, focus on YOU!
I would also like to say, that if Emma has bipolar disorder, this usually makes the addiction problem harder to deal with. Many bipolars don't take prescribed medication, and self-medicate, leading to or worsening their addiction. Also, many people are mistakenly labeled bipolar because of addiction as the behaviors mimic each other...it is extremely difficult to diagnose or treat a mental disorder until the addiction is treated.
I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). It was not until the people in my life loved me enough to detach and let me fall on my face and deal with the consequences of my using that I was ready for recovery. They always loved me, but there was no money and no place to stay while I was using. I will forever be grateful to them for that.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You've been given good advice above..mainly, focus on YOU!
I would also like to say, that if Emma has bipolar disorder, this usually makes the addiction problem harder to deal with. Many bipolars don't take prescribed medication, and self-medicate, leading to or worsening their addiction. Also, many people are mistakenly labeled bipolar because of addiction as the behaviors mimic each other...it is extremely difficult to diagnose or treat a mental disorder until the addiction is treated.
I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). It was not until the people in my life loved me enough to detach and let me fall on my face and deal with the consequences of my using that I was ready for recovery. They always loved me, but there was no money and no place to stay while I was using. I will forever be grateful to them for that.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Hi Happydaiz
My heart goes out to you at what you are going through. I am in a similar position. Loving an addict wears you down soo much!
It seems like the trust you have for her is gone. Only you can make the decision what to do. I am in the middle of trying to break away.... again... I have left him before. He got clean for 2 years when I walked out of his life back in 2006. Life has been amazing this last 2 years together but it came back and bit him on the bum! I feel stong enough to leave again....you can only take soo much! I hope he will make some changes for good this time cos he knows how good life can be clean. If I can leave, soo can you (if you want to!!)
It is one of the hardest things to do, but you have to think about yourself and your sanity!
Best Wishes
My heart goes out to you at what you are going through. I am in a similar position. Loving an addict wears you down soo much!
It seems like the trust you have for her is gone. Only you can make the decision what to do. I am in the middle of trying to break away.... again... I have left him before. He got clean for 2 years when I walked out of his life back in 2006. Life has been amazing this last 2 years together but it came back and bit him on the bum! I feel stong enough to leave again....you can only take soo much! I hope he will make some changes for good this time cos he knows how good life can be clean. If I can leave, soo can you (if you want to!!)
It is one of the hardest things to do, but you have to think about yourself and your sanity!
Best Wishes
Amy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: England
Posts: 10
Thanks for all the messages, it's so good to know I'm not the only one in this position. I guess I knew a lot of what was said here already, but it helps to hear it from someone else. I am so worn down but I know that things could be amazing with my partner, and I have seen how far she has come in the last 3 years, she used to take more drugs than I'd ever seen every day, some I'd never even heard of, she used to lie about every little thing just for the sake of it it seemed! But now she has had this little relapse, only a little one, it could have been so much worse, I think she is kicking herself for the damage it has done and I'm glad. She is realising that she doesn't have to lie to me, I will never and have never judged her for anything she's done and maybe she will realise that she can trust me. She knows and understands that I don't trust her and it will be a good long while before I ever can, but it might happen one day. She knows I am nearly at the end of what I can take, and we have made such a good life for ourselves that if she did something to throw it away I don't think she would ever forgive herself. I only hope that is a good enough motivator for her.
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