prairiegirl

I was wondering if there are others feeling the same as I do? With the holidays coming up, it's difficult to listen to others talk about their plans with their spouses and loved ones. I just can't seem to overcome this feeling of deep sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

As I've shared before, my AH and I separated just over 6 months ago. I haven't talked to him in the past 3 months. He did attempt to call me several times but I checked the call screen and didn't pick up out of self-protection. The last time we had spoken, he was very hurtful and I couldn't risk that again.

As it would turn out, I picked up the phone by accident, without checking, a couple of weeks ago and it was him. He started out rather sheepishly saying it was my "long, lost friend." I'm not ready to be friends as I'm not at all over him. He told me a bit about his new life in another city and tried to paint a positive picture but mainly he was upset because I'd sent him the last of his personal belongings and so he made up this big lie about how it was opened at customs, he was interrogated, what was I trying to do - get hiim in trouble, set him up? He said he still didn't have the contents of the box, they were detaining it. When I checked with UPS the next day they confirmed that it had been signed and delivered. So his story was a lie. I didn't get a thank-you, no acknoledgment of him being the least bit grateful, as it took me 3 nights of sorting through documents, certificates, family photographs, scanning them into my computer just in case the box went missing. All of that and he chose to take it in a negative light.

The next morning I got another call saying he thought he'd tell me why he hasn't called in the last 3 months. He said that before when he'd was calling regularly, I told him it was giving me mixed messages and he didn't want to do that. So I asked him why he felt he had to phone and tell me that all over again. He said since he's left he feels so much better about himself because he's not arguing continually with anyone (what he calls arguing was me talking about his drinking and trying to get him to stop). He further tells me that our life wasn't going anywhere, which was really the icing on the cake. He stole my words. That's why I told him I couldn't continue - because our life was getting nowhere. He tells me the spark had died 2 years before we split up when I had to call the police on him because he started throwing things around in a drunken fit. Not, gosh I'm sorry that my behaviour got to the point where you felt you had to call the police. So I asked him, if the spark had died and he knew it... why he felt he had to stick around for another 2 years while I tried everything known to mankind to make our relationship work? He didn't say anything.

I just feel like the whole phone conversation was staged to hurt me. Then a week later he calls to wish me a happy birthday and that was it. Sorry to go on and on but just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on his behaviour? I've been trying to make sense of it. Of course I'm left feeling very sad because, not only was it a birthday for me, it's Christmas coming up, I did this really nice gesture by sending the box and paying quite alot to get it to him and I didn't hear one thing in his voice to indicate he missed me or had any regret whatsoever after 16 years together. Why do I feel like the injured party?

Thanks for listening.

MissFixit

Sorry Prairiegirl.

I assume he is still drinking and not working a treatment program. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. It is the holidays and he has the openning to pull at your heart strings. You have had communication, so the door is open for now. It is up to you on how to handle it.

beaglebaby

Prairiegirl,

I'm struggling with preparing for my first Christmas after my divorce. It was finalized about 6 weeks ago.

My husband has tried to reach out so he can stop by on Christmas Day. I know he can rationalize that everything is OK and we're just great friends if he can tell his family we spent Christmas together. OR if I say no -- he can tell them what a b&tch that I am.

Either way, I replied to his email and told him he CANNOT stop by on Christmas, that he should make arrangements with the kids to celebrate however they choose. (They are teenagers, both drive.) I've told the kids that they should make whatever arrangements they are comfortable with to see their dad at Christmas.

Truthfully, he probably won't pursue it. He's moved in with a woman, doesn't want kids to know. He drinks all his money away and usually doesen't keep his commitments anyway.

Point is -- I'm not going to make it easy for him to pretend like we're just one, friendly, peaceful split family.

Instead we're hosting Christmas dinner with my family, I've invited a few family friends over, and it will be a day of kids, dogs, foods, presents and love. It's a leaner Christmas this year for the kids and I. I've told them there won't be as much under the tree but that everything I got them -- it's from the heart and chosen very carefully.

The kids and I have a great relationship. We'll probably cry a little, laugh a little, and that's OK.

It will be tough at times, but WE will be... JUST FINE!

FormerDoormat

After I ended my relationship, it wasn't my boyfriend's behavior that was harmful to me. I harmed myself by choosing to pick up the phone (or not hanging up immediately when I was caught unaware). I hold the key to my serenity and happiness. Nobody can take that away from me unless I give it away.

kingston

So very true! It's hard when you go thru the break up of a marriage or a relationship. Add to that misery - being with an A. I left my AH in Aug after over 20 years of broken promises. I've maintained no contact since September. My birthday came and went without a word from him. Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday also came and went without a word from him.

For years I was addicted to him and our toxic relationship BUT I CHOOSE now not to be involved with him. I CHOOSE to work on my recovery. I CHOOSE not to be involved in the chaos, guilt and shame that living with an active A brings.

I've CHOSEN life on my terms. The rewards have been outstanding to say the least. EVERY DAY I feel gratitude over what has happened. Turns out the biggest gift that he has given me has NOT to be involved with me.

Has it been easy? No, it's been dam painful. But I had to figure out who I was, who I am and where I am going.

Sounds to me like you are on the right track. You have surrounded yourself with positive honest family and friends. Look for all the good changes that are coming your way.

Remember why you left and ask yourself would you want to be back there. I remember, the good and the bad. I remember the fantasy and the realtiy of our relationship. I remember all the days and nights of wishing, if only he would ...... I still love him but the man I married is long gone, a shadow and empty shell of what he was and could have been. I've done my mourning and will always miss him. My thoughts now of him are positive, I only wish him true sobriety and happinesss.

As far as figuring out what he is doing or why, I can't and in my opinion either can you. One thing I have learned is never be surprised at what an A does. You are dealing with a person who doesn't love or respect himself. He is full of guilt and shame and will project those feelings on anyone who comes close to him.

Step way! Look at all the positive things that are in your life right now. You are in control of your life, you make your life what you want. You are responsible for you and for your feelings no one else is.

You have that control over your life and your feelings. Enjoy the holidays, they are what you make of it.

K.

prairiegirl

Thanks so much to all of you! I really needed to hear your words of strength and encouragement. Tonight especially, having read what you've written, I find it very soothing.

FormerDoormat - thanks for reminding me that I hold the key to my serenity and happiness. It's so easy to forget that simple truth. Kingston, thank you for sharing your story because I am reminded once again that I'm not alone and if you can find the strength, then so can I. I'm curious as to how you finally made the decision to choose not to be involved with him after 20 years. It makes sense when you say to step away and look at all the positive things and people in my life. Usually I'm pretty good at seeing the positive in the negative but I'm just so tired.

My AH has moved to the southern U.S. and I'm in Canada so at least I don't have the concern that he'll just drop by or that I'll give in in a moment of weakness and go see him. But having said that.....I'm just so tired of trying to be strong, so tired of the pain and loneliness and am left wondering if it ever gets easier. But listening to the words of wisdom from all of you, I'm encouraged to believe that it does. I'm so grateful for all the input.

kingston

I had left him a few times prior to August - the reason it was different this time is that I had started working on my recovery after his last stint at rehab. They had/have a fantastic aftercare program for the A and for the family members. I attended the two year program and was asked to volunteer.

Each week I learned more and each week I became stronger. There wasn't just one thing that was the deciding factor - it was a series of things, i.e. he wasn't drinking but he still had the behaviour, he stopped working his program, he wouldn't look for a job, he wouldn't contribute financially near the end and most importantly I just got tired. I was tired of living half a life, tired of the lack of communication, lack of respect, lack of meaning, lack of physical/mental closeness, so many things.

I had been gone I think about about two weeks when I found out he was introducing his girlfriend around our neighborhood. THAT was the deal breaker for me. Funny I could "understand" the behavior, I could also understand that within 12 hours of me leaving he was falling down drunk. But the cheating was overwhelming, the pain and anger I felt was beyond belief. The ultimate betrayal. I guess I used my anger and hurt to really work on me. Today I'm happy that it happend otherwise I wouldn't have had the courage and the acceptance to continue.

I don't know where he lives or with whom. Today I can say it's none of my business. Has it been easy to get to this point, hell no. I never want go thru this again, there were times I thought I would die from the pain. But I didn't, I'm here and very content with my life. It's a very good life and every day I feel blessed.

Keep working at it, you're worth it. K.

prairiegirl

Thank you for sharing your experience, Kingston. I guess I have been a little obsessed with what he's up to and with whom? Not all the time; I just have my moments of thinking, "Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut and I wouldn't be alone now?" because he was quite content to keep going the way it was. But the truth is that the drinking was progressing, the bad behaviour was escalating and my friends remind me that I was more and more disatisfied with "living half a life," as you put into words so well. I guess I had lowered the bar on what I expected out of my 16 year relationship.

I can be grateful for the positives, the friends that have been there for me, the loving kindness that has been directed my way, many good things that keep unfolding for me, but I still have some moments of feeling in so much pain I want to die. Last night I was invited to dinner at the home of a very close friend and her husband. My XAH had been to their place many, many times in the past years and we know all her extended family. Anyway, her mother-in-law, who is eastern European and speaks very little English just found out my X and I are no longer together and kept repeating his name to me, shaking her head and saying how sorry she was, what a nice guy he was and that I should phone him, in her few broken words. It made me feel so sad and like I'd made a huge mistake because everyone he met loved him. Later my friend told me that her mother-in-law is very psychic and they've even changed trip plans because of things she has said. So you can imagine how that made me feel......like I've really made a big mistake here.

Of course I'm wise enough to understand that they didn't have to live with him and never got a chance to see the other side of him. He was very careful not to expose that to many people. I'd often go home with him and think how can he be so loving and kind to everyone and become so disrespectful to me. It was his kindness that I fell in love with and it was directed at me as well until the drinking progressed. So I guess that's my answer. It just hurts so much when others are sorry for me.

SerenityGirl

Prairiegirl ((Hugs)) This too shall pass...when my first husband left, it felt like it was the end of the world, but now after all these years I realized it was the best thing that could have happened. It was terrible been with him, he was never around and not there for me, so I don't know why I was so upset. I guess because it was an end to my dream of happily ever after...

Bernadette

I had a friend from AlAnon many years ago. We used to have coffee after meetings. It was Christmas time and she was saying the same things you were. Really feeling blue, really letting other people's stories of their plans for the holidays get her down.

Another friend from the meeting was with us - she said - well what would your Christmas plans with STBXH be this year? And Carrie started in with the whole fantasy "Decorating together, sitting by the fire, seeing "Nutcracker," baking, and wrapping gifts for friends and family...blah blah..."

And Katherine said "No. I mean what would Christmas this year REALLY be like?"

And Carrie just stopped and looked stunned - I think she realized what she had been doing (total fantasy/magical thinking) and she started to tell us what Christmas would actually be like if she was with her STBXAH, just the way he was, right now, THAT Christmas - and before you knew it we were all 3 laughing so hard and crying at the same time as Carrie described from now on how she would answer those "ideal" couples talking about their lovely loving Christmas plans:

"Well. Ted and I will be bickering by Christmas Eve because Ted will be completely hungover, and I'll be on my last nerve, burn the dinner because I will have stomped off into the bedroom to sulk, and then his mother and father will arrive and he and his dad will start drinking and picking on his mother, and his mother will be pestering me about why I burned the roast and eventually at midnight I'll be sitting staring at the tree all alone crying quietly while Ted snores on the couch passed out...and then the next morning I'll be trying to be nice because its Christmas for God's sake and I'll try to wake Ted up for mass and he'll have peed on the sofa and he'll bark at me...so I'll go to mass alone and he'll still be asleep when I come home and so I'll be walking on eggshells because honestly I dont want to talk to him and I'll act cheerful on the phone when my mom calls from California and tells me how warm it is and I'll hang up and cry....Merry Christmas!!"


Make a little fun Christmas plan for you prairiegirl!! The past is gone, you are free in this moment!!!!!

Peace- and ((((hugs)))) what you're going through is not easy.
B.

prairiegirl

I appreciate the support Serenity Girl and Bernadette you made me smile, because if I'm really truthful about what I'd be living with through the holidays, it would probably be equally as ridiculous and humorous. It wasn't pleasant when I was living that life and I guess you made a good point - what I'm really missing and feeling sentimental about has nothing to do with reality but everything to do with the dream or what could have been. It was my own little fantasy of how I envisioned our life together, the way I wanted things to be, but something it rarely was. Isn't it interesting how as time goes by it is so easy to focus on only the good points and completely forget the painful ones?

Thank you to both of you. I needed to hear the truth.

Still Waters

Hang in there Prairiegirl, you're doing just fine. It takes time.

genrs123

everyone he met didnt have to date him though, as you pointed out. you know what praire girl, i bet people tell him the same thing about you. and i hope some psychic lady runs across him and his like, " that nice girl, up north... so sad" and reminds him of how great and nice you are and how people really like you too. and how you deserve better and while she was right about it being sad, if she was really psychic or even compassionate she might remind you that there was probably some reason that you broke up, but, that it is still painful and take good care of yourself. maybe something like that.