Where he is and where I am
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Where he is and where I am
My alcoholic husband has now been dry for 5 weeks. He has not accessed other support or recovery programs (besides couples counselling) so the alcoholic mindset and knee jerk behaviours are still there. On the positive side, he is doing a good job of keeping his anger inside and not yelling. I'm still getting emotionally abused through criticisms but it isn't the nutty, chaotic behaviour of an alcoholic.
I have been going to Al-Anon for 5 weeks and I've had the most amazing insights. 15 years of therapy make sense to me now. To make it explicit I know that his drinking and all that follows is not all about me but about him reacting to the way he has been raised. Even his sober behaviour is a product of the negativity in early life.
Same goes with me. My knee-jerk reactions are a product of my upbringing. With that knowledge I have found it actually easy (and I never thought it could ever be) to tune him out and detach with love. I don't need to bite my tongue and inwardly seethe. I feel a lot of compassion for him. For 5 weeks I have not had my anger spill out at the kids and I have been very patient. Yes, I get annoyed when things go wrong but then I think "What can I do differently?" and if there is nothing, then I accept.
So why am I writing? I feel good and bad at the same time. I feel good that I am no longer angry and bitter. I feel good that he is dry. I feel good that the children are in a better family home. I feel good that he is making a committment to go to counselling. I feel bad about the past behaviour I was willing to accept. Things were particularly nutty three years ago on both sides. Him drinking heavily, my shrieking and hysteria. I feel ashamed and guilt ridden about what my first child has seen when she was an infant. (I thought that it wasn't affecting her because she was too young to understand).
Nowadays, I feel sadness that I suspect my union with my husband will never progress beyond what it is now. It is unhappy but my thinking right now is that the children are too young (3 and 1) to be bounced around two households if there is no active alcoholism. Do I have to have a perfect marriage? I now think that word 'perfect' is alcoholic thinking. The all or nothing mentality.
My boundaries are as follows: no alcohol in the house and I never want to see him drunk again. I know he thinks it is about manipulation and control but I have put these in place for the children's protection and my sanity. If he crosses the boundary I will leave the marriage. Once again this is not a threat or an ultimatum. It simply is that I never want to see him drunk again. With the support of al-anon I think I can handle the marriage. However even if he stays a dry drunk, if I feel like I am losing my grip on my sanity, I will leave.
I have been going to Al-Anon for 5 weeks and I've had the most amazing insights. 15 years of therapy make sense to me now. To make it explicit I know that his drinking and all that follows is not all about me but about him reacting to the way he has been raised. Even his sober behaviour is a product of the negativity in early life.
Same goes with me. My knee-jerk reactions are a product of my upbringing. With that knowledge I have found it actually easy (and I never thought it could ever be) to tune him out and detach with love. I don't need to bite my tongue and inwardly seethe. I feel a lot of compassion for him. For 5 weeks I have not had my anger spill out at the kids and I have been very patient. Yes, I get annoyed when things go wrong but then I think "What can I do differently?" and if there is nothing, then I accept.
So why am I writing? I feel good and bad at the same time. I feel good that I am no longer angry and bitter. I feel good that he is dry. I feel good that the children are in a better family home. I feel good that he is making a committment to go to counselling. I feel bad about the past behaviour I was willing to accept. Things were particularly nutty three years ago on both sides. Him drinking heavily, my shrieking and hysteria. I feel ashamed and guilt ridden about what my first child has seen when she was an infant. (I thought that it wasn't affecting her because she was too young to understand).
Nowadays, I feel sadness that I suspect my union with my husband will never progress beyond what it is now. It is unhappy but my thinking right now is that the children are too young (3 and 1) to be bounced around two households if there is no active alcoholism. Do I have to have a perfect marriage? I now think that word 'perfect' is alcoholic thinking. The all or nothing mentality.
My boundaries are as follows: no alcohol in the house and I never want to see him drunk again. I know he thinks it is about manipulation and control but I have put these in place for the children's protection and my sanity. If he crosses the boundary I will leave the marriage. Once again this is not a threat or an ultimatum. It simply is that I never want to see him drunk again. With the support of al-anon I think I can handle the marriage. However even if he stays a dry drunk, if I feel like I am losing my grip on my sanity, I will leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Sounds like you're doing good, ICant. Recovery is a long process on both sides. I hope you both continue to grow, separately and alone.
I don't think there is a perfect marriage. It's about deciding what I want in a relationship and not be willing to settle for less. Today I am working at that and it is good.
((( )))
I don't think there is a perfect marriage. It's about deciding what I want in a relationship and not be willing to settle for less. Today I am working at that and it is good.
((( )))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Thank you for sharing that. It makes me think "Dang, I need to get myself to Alanon". I thought I could do this all alone (with SR of course). I've had a few counseling sessions, nothing earth shattering.
Dang, I need to get myself to Alanon. Thank you, ICant.
Dang, I need to get myself to Alanon. Thank you, ICant.
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((ICant)))
I want to encourage you for doing what you know is right. You ARE trying with LOVE to work on this. Don't let his sober quacking convince you that you are being controlling or manipulative. You are setting HEALTHY boundaries for your self and your dependent children.
My AH is sober as well (almost 6 months now), but I realized that even though the alcohol is gone, there are other behaviors that were not related to the alcohol. He is controlling and manipulative (funny that he accused me of being what he is). I am reading books on emotional abuse and controlling/angry behaviors. IMHO I would recommend that you do some research on emotional abuse to help reassure yourself that you are NOT being unreasonable by setting healthy boundaries. I think it will give you more strength to stand up for yourself and your children's rights as you need to.
Much love as you continue on this journey of love and change (((ICANT)))
- JustMe
I want to encourage you for doing what you know is right. You ARE trying with LOVE to work on this. Don't let his sober quacking convince you that you are being controlling or manipulative. You are setting HEALTHY boundaries for your self and your dependent children.
My AH is sober as well (almost 6 months now), but I realized that even though the alcohol is gone, there are other behaviors that were not related to the alcohol. He is controlling and manipulative (funny that he accused me of being what he is). I am reading books on emotional abuse and controlling/angry behaviors. IMHO I would recommend that you do some research on emotional abuse to help reassure yourself that you are NOT being unreasonable by setting healthy boundaries. I think it will give you more strength to stand up for yourself and your children's rights as you need to.
Much love as you continue on this journey of love and change (((ICANT)))
- JustMe
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