Tryingto

I am one week sober (go me!!) and I have discovered both good and bad

BAD
I can taste it (alcohol) on my mouth
I randomly keep thinking 'wouldn't mind a glass of that'
I am so flat, boring, unhappy, unexcited.
I go to bed early, actually I try and sleep/be in bed as much as I can
My anxiety is a million times worse
I no longer go on daily walks with my partner and son
I have put on weight
I eat loads of crap food, mainly chocolate or bread.
I want alcohol so bad, it's hard to explain, seriously I could so easily pour a glass
I think a lot about when I will be able to drink alcohol again
I have irrational thoughts that I don't have a problem, I am making this up, so I can drink
More & more memories come back of things that happened, times I couldn't walk, times I fell down stairs, the time my partner put a whole btl of vodka down the sink, times I have embarrassed myself.

GOOD
I have never ever been proud of myself, I cannot believe I am actually doing this.
I sleep better.
I am not hungover.
My mood is consistent, well consistently flat - so not sure it's a good thing, but I least I don't go crashing down - I am there already LOL!
My partner is so happy, much happier than me about this, I guess it's changed his life, he can come home to a mopey, yet normal person.


Sorry I'd love to make my "GOOD" list longer - but I am not going to sugar coat it. It's hard.
I have noticed myself getting more depressed day by day. I have made a dr's app for Thursday - because I am starting to get to the point where I am cancelling everything (more so than usual, I always avoid things) and I just want to live in my PJ's and be in bed.

Anyone else got a good & bad list to share?
:ghug2

CarolD

And the Ugly ...the drunken me.
The pain I caused loved ones
The crying jags..sensless flings....bloated face
The broken connection to God and humanity

more for me...think I will stay sober

Congratulations on your 7 days....

nolawench

Congratulations on 7 days... those were the hardest...It takes awhile for all that crap to get out of your system.

Good..
No more DT's, the vomiting, shakes, hallucinations, sweats are a hell of my own making.

No more hangovers.

Saving $$

No more sneaking and trying to find " new" places to hide my bottles

Having an actual appetite back ( even if I eat too much at least these calories have nutritional value).

Knowing that my husband, family and friends Love me and are glad to have ME back.

Regaining a little of the vast amount of trust I lost

NOT hearing " you smell like a distillery"

Hearing " You smell good"

Finding my muses again ( art, cooking, reading and all general forms of creativity)

Being able to control my emotions ( ie: not letting a crappy conversation with my ex-husband send me into a downward spiral)

NOT having to use half a bottle of Visine to " get the red out"

Deciding on a particular task, starting and completing said task ( sometimes cleaning the bathroom is vital to my recovery, I have no idea why)

Remembering names, faces and conversations

Watching my husband smile when he sees my clear bright eyes

Having certain members of my kitchen staff pick on me and play practical jokes.

Sitting down with Husband and stepddaughter and playing a rousing game of scrabble and whooping their butts



.... You want me to go on?



Bad.

Yeah I'll miss some of those fine wines when we go out to dinner, and the occasional Sazerac. My Alcoholic Brain tells me... oh, it'll be just for this meal, because a good Malbec goes sooooo nicely with that Lamb, or " the Sazerac is such a historical cocktail and watching the process of it's making is so cool, it would be an insult not to partake. ( the AA part of my brain screams ******** at that, thank God)


Ugly...

The bruises and broken bones and cuts ( slicing onions while drunk with a very sharp knife is a bad bad idea)

The shame
The solitude
The fear
The CONSEQUENCES


It takes time and work... Heck I only have 31 days, but with a clear mind and an open heart I'm learning.

Hugs to you. You CAN do this.

Tryingto

I can't sleep tonight. That sucks. Last night was good, sleep was my escape. Ugh I feel totally sick, I just gorged on lollies....... now I just feel gross. I am so dam angry it's not funny. I know I have a pity party going on here, but why the hell did this happen to me! It's so freakin hard to not drink and I have my partner saying oh I am so proud of you, and yes I am proud to, but meanwhile I feel like utter sh!t and I have totally had enough of this now. Ugh, it's the same all the time now & it's crap.
I am sorry. I went off to a really good start and now all I seem to want to do is whinge to you guys. Everyone else (including here) seems so freaking positive, and I wish I felt that way to.....but I have just had enough and I want to have a really really top notch glass of wine and just forget all about this. I didn't even think I had a problem (well maybe not a major one) and I just knew I had to do this more so for my partner and my relationship, and I had had enough of being/feeling sick.
It's all crap, my weekends are boring now...I can't trust myself to go out and not drink. My friends (few that I have that is) and all young, and generally our idea of having a fun night would be drinking and dancing at a bar. I know, I need to find new hobbies. Nothing appeals to me.
I probably shouldn't post this, but I know you guys are pretty understanding. Ugh hopefully I will come out the other end and be this ray of sunshine - lol - but at the moment thats far from the truth.
Just please tell me you were angry and fed up of this stupid problem, and annoyed you had to be sober - and okay one moment and just angry as the next............

I am just feeling like I am going to drink, not tonight, but that I will. And I feel like when I do I am going to make it worth my while. But on the same hand I am going to do my best not to let that happen because that is not what I want for myself.

I keep thinking, I am thinking about it to much. It's HARD not to think about it when it's what you want, what your used to.................

least

Do'nt worry yourself about not being very 'positive' these early days. It's a huge struggle and it won't get positive all at once. You're doing great with seven days. Keep it up one day at a time. You'll get there. And bear in mind that this too shall pass.

Never give up on yourself!:ghug3

Pelican

Hey,
You sound like a replay of my head. Like an echo of what my mind was going thru.

Good thinking on making the doc appointment. Be honest with your doctor. Let him/her know about the alcohol, sobriety, and drama going on in your head right now.

You are going through withdrawals. The cunning voice of alcohol is telling you that you are not as bad as others who drink. You can enjoy drinking again soon. Alcohol is a liar.

We've been through the anger too. Please be careful that your anger is not directed towards your SO & son. You are angry with yourself. Drinking and it's consequences were your choices. Your drinking caused the bruises, embarassing situations, missed activities, etc....

Your sobriety is for you. Your life depends on it. It is a gift you are giving yourself and your future. Your sobriety is a benefit for your SO & son.

I know this first part really, really sucks. You are doing terrific and I hope to see that ray of sunshine from you again soon!



P.S. Thank you for honestly sharing and posting. Those who are going through this at the same time see that they are not alone. Those who made it past the first two weeks, needed the reminder of how hard the struggle can be.

Anna

It's great that you are being honest and seeing things realistically. Early recovery is hard and a time of many changes. I think your flat mood will change and I do remember feeling that way for awhile. Give your mood a chance to life. Also, the awful memories - I think that is party of the recovery process, too. Try to remember that they are just feelings you are experiencing, they are not you. Journalling might help to relieve the negative memories.

Tryingto

Thanks for replies.

I tried to journal, but I am to scared of someone finding it so that is out.

I guess I just need to accept this is life now. I miss getting drunk.

Tryingto

I will just keep all my negative posts in here now, in this thread I mean. Probably people like to read the positive posts more, and I am just killing peoples hope. I have to be honest though. Each day just feels grosser. I wish I felt like day one over and over again. I am so sad and lonely and my heart hurts yet there are people around me. It seems like everyone else had problems in alcoholism, but are good once the alcohol is gone. I worked better with alcohol. I am hanging out till Friday, I know I will be so proud to tell my counselor ten days (on fri) without ONE SIP, nada.

Pelican

from JustMeInWI on a post under friends and family:

"If you're concerned about him snooping and finding your notes and such, maybe you should create an online journal? I've been journalling at LiveJournal.com - Start a Free Blog / Journal Today for some time now. I have it locked down with a password (all through their website), and when I post, I post everything as private journal entries so only I can see them when I log in with my password"


I worry about having to carry around notebooks and leaving them in the wrong place. So I started a journal at that site today. I like it because I type faster than I write with pen and paper. More feelings per minute.
thanks JustMeInWI for the post!

allport

Trying to you are certainly not the only person not to feel fantastic once the reality of sobriety kicks in.

I do miss drinking but i think that is maybe just habit and having too much time on my hands now.

The worst problem im having at the moment is the realisation that im still me and i actually have to face up to life now without the excuse of drunkeness to fall back on.

I believe that stopping drinking is only the first step on the way to becoming a happy and fulfilled person and while i accept this its quite demoralising.

Sorting out your personal and emotional problems is hard bloody work and if you are anything like me you probably dont know where to start, Im just hanging on in there at the moment Im not going to rush into anything and overwhelm myself.

On the subject of journals, i started one and i got so nervous about burgalars reading it that i had to stop, mental, also i didnt want anyone to read it after i was dead so unless they invent a self destructing journal i just let it go.

Did you feel like you could be completely open in your journal because i found myself self censoring in case i embarassed myself.

I think i need help! lol

Tryingto

Allport, yes when I have journalled in the past I have censored it. Made sure I don't say "to" many bad things about my partner or mum etc in case either of them got a hold of it. Insane huh.I have the online diary thing that was mentioned but my computer doesn't like the program to much. Guess my computer needs a service it won't even let me download msn.
Well today my son & I have consumed 2 family blocks (yes you read right) between us of chocolate. I know, what a great mum huh, feeding my son bucket loads of choccy. I have had more than him. I just can't be a hypocrite and have it and ban him.
And a lovely carb laden dinner to go with it. But I am so full I hope it will put me to sleep.

Have been fighting bad with my partner. Basically we have had a rocky 3yrs, 3 months relationship. We were engaged before, wedding planned everything but he was verbally abusive and I left, so wedding was canceled. We got back together, went to counseling (and still go) and have worked through the problems. The last problem was me drinking, I stopped.
Now we get to the nitty gritty that he flat out doesn't want to get married yet, he is not ready etc etc.
Well it's not good enough for me! He told me we would after this, this and that was solved. NOW the truth comes out? I have my wedding dress, flowers the lot.......I so want to be married to this man & feel like he has lied/led me on. He is such a good partner in so many ways, supports me on a lot of things etc.
Don't ask me why I can't let this go, I told him when I met him (few months in) about how important marriage was to me.
All I want is someone to make me feel like the most special person on the earth and marry me. I am not disillusioned, I don't think marriage will be anything changed, just a deeper bond.
He has been divorced (once) so doesn't want that road again. I get that.
So he is staying at a friends house tonight. I've had enough. That was my light at the end of the tunnel for being sober, getting married. And now thats gone!!
I don't know how to handle it or what to do.

So of course I am home, just me and my son. I have a handy stock of alcohol beckoning to me. All day I have dreamed about having a drink, I had even prepared myself to post here saying I failed. I was thinking how lovely it would be, how all the pain would melt away and I could put this sh!tty week behind me and have my "support" (alcohol) back.
But I have a Dr. app tomorrow - and I didn't want to say to my Dr, I did a week, but failed last night. It sounds like a hopeless case.
So instead I eat so many carbs (chips, pasta & choccys) until I feel physically sick because at least that will keep me away from the alcohol just.
Even now I am thinking, hmmm I could just have one. But I can't! I have have have to do a month, I want to get to this good feeling. I sure hope it's coming huh : )

I hope everyone else is going well in their journeys.

bumble2008123

I'm glad there is a dr. appt. Whatever it takes to make you not drink.

nickishine

tryingto,

I have missed you for the past several days! A lot going on for me right now.... Now back to YOU!.... You're letting your hair down, girl! It's always easier to list and pull out the negatives vs. the pos's! HOWEVER, you haven't drank in a week and that is humongus and #1 in my book!!!! This crazy thing that we're in is life and unfortunately it doesn't work on our terms (da--it)! Sounds like the dr's a good idea for you right now to 'possibly' help?!! Otherwise, maybe try to do the things that you don't want to do like taking a walk with your son, decorating, reading a good book, taking a hot bath, whatever, whatever just to try and push through it a little. Only a suggestion , my dear! I pray you'll get over the hump soon!

Keep up with the alternative beverages! Keep posting and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE, EVER!!!!!:ghug

XOXOXOX HUGS XOXOXOXOXOX,
NICKI

Tryingto

Whats going on Nicki, or are you just busy cos it's 'that time of year?'

Thanks Nicki.
The dr app. was ok - it was so hard to say but she didn't really bat an eye - like I say I think people look at me and just think I don't have a problem!! She did give me a name of a company that does programmes that isn't AA though so will look that up.
She gave me new meds for my anxiety.

It's just the whole thing with my partner is stressing me out. There is no way he is going to back down and I feel completely p!ssed off that he led me on and it was all bs. He has no intention of getting married.

ericamay

Hey trying to! Yeah yeah yeah. All that's going on in your head is pretty much the same for me right now. I'm 25, all my friends, ALL my friends drink. My boyfriend and I would go out every other weekend and drink, alllllllll nite long. And usually it was so fun. Yet feeling awful for 2 days, and popssibly getting in a huuuuuge argument, physical or verbal was always a coin toss. NOT so fun. Lately I had been binge drinking more myself. Like friday nite after going to a bar I would stay up til 7am drinking. So dumb. But my boyfriend and I have had the same problem in the past. We have been together for 3 and a half years, and about a year and a half ago he suddenly said he didn't want kids, and wasn't ready for marriage. ( He has a nine year old, yet knew I wanted kids and said we could, and he would.) He also had said he wanted to get married in the beginning. Then he had major stress hit his life about a year and a half ago and he shut down! He said no marriage, no kids, he had a pity party. (Men do this.) Then, a month later he came to realize he was just scared of growing up, and scared of dealing with yet another failed relationship. We worked through it all and now he is ready for it all. The mistake I made was screaming at him, crying hysterically, guilting him, etc. When I left him alone to come to his own realizations, he did! I am not saying this will definitely be the case for you, but give it a bit of time to settle. Remember, you are newly sober (as am I) and things need to come into their own. For you and your family!! I know its virtually impossible to just "focus on your recovery," I understand. So try and work out your feelings about your relationship as best you can. If you find, after time, he really cannot and will not committ to you, then you need to do what's best for you!! You deserve a no reservations committment! Life is too short! Take care of yourself friend, you are strong and awesome! And you should give yourself the best, and get it from those in your life!! Relax and pray, I promise it will all come together!!

Bamboozle

That's pretty much how I feel. I'm a big ball of negetivity right now. Add to that being scared and feeling so alone and feeling fake.

I put on a face when I go out in public. I'm crumbling on the inside. I've had two...(I don't think they're techniquly "break downs"...but I don't know what to call it...) "bad espisodes" in the past week. One night was while sober, the other was last night drunk. I am getting a little scared of myself.

So many say it here and it's true--drinking does make in worse. I feel like a yo-yo--my emotions are all over the place. I would like to feel like a so-called normal human being, but being sober is hard. I just want to forget.

Tryingto, I wish I had some answers for you. I'm sorry I don't. Maybe it helps to know you're not the only one.

LaDita

Thank you Tryingto, I can relate to ALL of this right now! Congratulations on 7 days!

HideorSeek

Hi TT!

I can really empathize with your comments about emotions in early sobriety. Two thoughts came to mind: first, for me early sobriety (and maintaining momentum) required FAITH that things would get better. Hanging onto a "hope" was very hard, esp when alcohol crooks it's finger at you and offers release. Somewhere along the way though, I found that my thinking changed. I was really happy with myself, felt my self esteem growing, saw changes in how I responded (not reacted), saw improvements in my relationships. In short: life got better without a "big bang", but it definitely did! Somehow my thinking changed from "I can't drink" to "Wow, I don't WANT to drink". I am so much happier now. If you are like me, if someone tells me I can't do something, I then obsess about it. The change in my attitude made this battle so much easier (it's still a battle nonetheless, but I had been drinking for decades...so I don't expect my thought patterns to alter overnight). Anyways, as all have said, try to hang in there, moment to moment if need be. Drinking will make you feel like s#$$% the next day, we all know this.

And second: one thing that has been particularly tough for me is that now that I am on this road to self improvement, I expect everyone else to be too! Kinda arrogant, huh? In other words, my hubby should really work on himself, physically and spiritually, my kids, etc. The fact that I can only change MYSELF and must let go of others' issues continues to plague me. But I'm working on remembering humility. The serenity prayer helps.... a lot

Hugs to all of you in this lifelong struggle. Let's all practice patience with ourselves!:ghug2

chick3

I hear you sister! I am going through a lot of the same emotions that you are! Hang in there, I hear it gets better!