jennygirl73

I read some of the pamphlets from Alanon. One of them talked about do's and don't s. It said that I shouldn't talk about his drinking. I shouldn't talk about his faults. What I don't understand is that how do we ever talk about any of the horrible things that he has said? When do I get an apology? Am I just supposed to erase everything that has happened and not hold him accountable because of the alcohol? How can I blame the alcohol and not him? The alcohol doesn't have a brain! He does! I understand the detaching, I think. I know that I should not be concerned with where he is and what he is doing. I know that I have to create my own happiness with, or without him. It says that Alcoholics suffer from feelings of guilt beyond anything that I can imagine and that reminding them of failures, neglect of family and unacceptable behavior only makes things worse. It says that the "if you loved me you'd change" approach is futile. It says not to nag, preach, scold, or enter into quarrels. It just doesn't seem fair that I am not supposed to do all of these things. Is the basic point that I am supposed to just sit here and take it? Why don't I get a voice? Why don't I get to tell him how much he is hurting me, himself and his daughter? What makes this disease so special that he doesn't have to hear all of the things that I want to say?

laurie6781

Nothing. What you are not 'reading' is that HE WON'T HEAR YOU. He is in denial. So to tell him and not get a response is only going to make you more frustrated.

Now if and when he finds recovery, it is then somewhere down the road you might get amends.

Right now, if you are dealing with, living with, married to a practicing alcoholic, nothing you say will matter. And anything he says will just be more QUACKING (lies, manipulations, fantasies, and denial).

So, I am glad to see that you are checking out Alanon. It is a great program to help you work on you, to make decisions, set boundaries of what is and is not acceptable, how to stick with those boundaries and to get on with the business of living YOUR life, with or without the alcoholic.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

jennygirl73

Laurie,

Thanks so much. I am just feeling frustrated that everything is about him! I feel like a petulant child who isn't getting her way. And after I posted I realized that I would walk through fire if it would bring him back to me. And I know that I can't cure this, he has to want to. It's just soooooooo frustrating!!

ToughChoices

Man - I remember when I first read the AlAnon tenants.
I was pissed, too.
I thought it was totally unfair and backwards - more of me giving up what I want and need so that he doesn't have to suffer.
No thank you!

So, I did what I wanted.
I yelled and cried.
I tried to make him give me what I needed: contrition, respect, appreciation, love, etc...
I told him how he was hurting me, how he'd killed my dreams, how it was his fault.

I didn't find a lot of peace with that approach.

Today, for me, AlAnon is about acknowledging that other people (and especially active alcoholics) aren't always able to give me what I think I need.

If I say, "I need him to apologize in order to move on," what am I going to do if he never decides to apologize? No matter how much I "deserve" love and amends and respect - it is not healthy for me to wait around for other people to take action. I must take action.

I must do what is in my best interest. Turns out, that keeping my anger and bitterness alive (even if he "deserved" it) wasn't in my best interest. Telling him all of my opinions about his drinking wasn't in my best interest. Believe me - I experimented.

All that anger (justified or not) drained me of joy.

AlAnon has wisdom that is difficult to understand at first.
That's why they say, "Keep coming back." It becomes clearer with time.

Good luck and lots of hugs, jennygirl!

-TC

FormerDoormat

It isn't fair, Jenny. That's why ultimately I ended the relationship. Some people choose to detach themselves from their alcoholic partner with love, some choose to do so with indifference, others choose to detach with exasperation, repulsion, or some other negative feeling.

The important thing for me was just to detach in whatever way I could so I could find a healthier way to live. I was never able to detach while still entangled in a relationship with my exAB.

CNMC2C

Jenny, I'm with FD on this one. Al-Anon helped me learn to detach and take care of myself, until I could make the decision on what path I wanted to take for myself. I decided that I had to move on with my life without my EXABF in it or I would lose my mind. The one thing I have realized about Al-Anon is that it teaches you and arms you with great skill sets to help you live a better life, no matter what the circumstances. Keep focusing on yourself and your child. It's awesome that you are arming yourself with information!

denny57

All those do's and don'ts are about keeping the focus on me. When I stop focusing on the alcoholic's disease and his behaviors he is left alone to face them himself. Sometimes that can be a very positive thing.

Contrary action did not feel natural to me, but today it comes naturally.

Stubborn1

I'm not sure who's telling you all of this but you do get to voice your opinion. You don't have to sit back and act like nothing happend. You really should go to co dependant meetings. There are ways to approach him and speak to him like an adult without being accusing. You can even write a letter which I find is the best way. Let hiim read it and think about it for a day or two and ask for him to respond with another letter. My husband didn't realize all the ways he hurt me. Yes it made him feel like crap but I had to heal as well. After I was done with my peice I told him I would let go and forgive him. I let him know my new boundaries. I told him he would have time and I would see where we stood after I saw his ACTIONS, not his words.
You can pm me anytime. You don't have to take anything.

Stubborn1

My comment was if he was in recovery, not if he's still drinking. Sorry

Still Waters

I know this feeling In my case, the answer to that was never. Matter of fact, it's all my fault!

But, my husband is a dry drunk, and not in active recovery.

Part of this is where you set your boundaries. You don't have to sit there and take it, you can walk out when he acts that way (that's one way to handle it anyway), it's your choice.

ellima01

my AH said to me today,"how can you expect me to stay sober when I am living with you" OUCH! I don't engage him in his craziness- but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I have had many appologies- they don't help anymore. I understand your frustration- I have always had trouble setting boundaries and sticking to them- If you could do that it would help alot I believe.

Still Waters

In my book, this is the #1 red flag for a supposed "recovering" alcoholic. The first thing they tell them in rehab and in meetings is that NO ONE causes them to drink. NO ONE ELSE can be blamed for their drinking. And one of the first steps they make is to admit their powerlessness over their addiction.

When they can't even get past that first step...

Sigh.

jennygirl73

Thanks ya'll, so much! I decided to not sit here and feel sorry for myself, and I took my daughter to see Madagascar II (again)
He still isn't home (out drinking) I know that I do have a lot to learn. I know that I need alot of help too. Right now I am at the beginning, 1 Alanon meeting and what like two weeks here? Right now I am so full of anger and hurt that I don't want to do a darn thing for him. I don't want to stop nagging, or stop telling him that he is blowing it, or to sugar coat the truth for him. I want him to go out and drink! I want him to leave me alone! I want him to leave us alone instead of subjecting us to his "off" days. I hide in the bedroom when he is here, afraid that he will hear me walking around and follow me telling me how I have ruined his life. The more I hear it the more I believe it.
I know that I need to sit back and listen.. If it doesn't work (for ToughChoices) then I should take the "stove is hot" lesson and not get burned. Thank you for sharing with me. Now I understand how hearing other people's stories really can help.

jennygirl73

Is there some book that the A's read to say things to hurt us? They all use the same lines! I am so sorry to hear that you were treated that way.

equinessa

Thanks for such an honest post jennygirl73. I hope you are beginning to feeling better, or at least distracted reading the posts. Even a good book does wonders for my capacity to detach. Although, it takes a pretty good writer to keep me absorbed if there's an active A in the house.

I agree with the poster who said you can say all those those things "but he won't hear it"....that is why the pamphlets advise against it. What I am learning is that the program is a recovery program for me, it is about me getting the focus back on me living my life, having my fun, being with my friends..................irrespective of what he's doing.

My husband has told me that he knew when he was blowing it. He knew he was disgusting. He knew the pain it was causing all of us. But he couldn't do anything about it until that binge was over.

Jenny73 you haven't been on the moon for the last however many years of your relationship. You husband is still in there but he is under the thumb of addiction right now and there are no choices for him but to bend to it's will. Nothing you do or say can reach him at the moment. You might as well go out and have a good time with your daughter and friends until his binge is over, and when he wants to he will pcik up the phone book and get help. It really is that simple (and hard).

All my best wishes and thoughts.

Jadmack25

You are quite right that alcohol doesn't have a brain, but while he is drinking he hasn't really got a working brain either.

As I found out the hard way, sometimes I could talk to my abf, and get a remorseful response and promises to quit etc... next time, his response was angry and hurtful words and fear of violence.

While the alcohol has him in it's grip, he won't hear much of what you say or accept what he does hear.

May as well keep your breath to cool your porridge as my Gran used to say, when it was useless talking to someone.

Sorry you have to go thru this miserable business and that you are so angry and frustrated at the unfairness, but that is what living with an active alcoholic is like for so many of us.

God bless