bluejupiter

I am so angry, hurt, betrayed. But I dont know why!!! I ended it with my ABF recently. Aside from being an alcoholic, drug addict and liar he is also bipolar and refuses to take meds or do anything to help himself. He got out of jail at the end of November - and is facing probably 3 years in jail for numerous alcohol/driving on a revoked license related offenses, including an accident that injured all 3 people in the uninsured car he was illegally driving while drunk. While in jail he sent me letters saying how he intended to change, how much he loved me and wanted a clean life with me, how he was ready to do whatever it took to get himself together - treatment, counseling, meds, etc. We've been through a lot together and I told him I'd help him and be supportive of his good decisions. Well of course he did nothing he said he'd do and did everything he said he wouldn't. He stayed with me for 2 nights and then left so he could go drink with his scary criminal friends. I quickly had enough and just.... turned my back. He is impossible to communicate with, mean, demanding, and the lies!!! I cant believe a word he says. So he is officially homeless, was sleeping in his storage unit. He says I kicked him out and turned my back on him.

Well now hes in Denver staying with some woman. His parents - who have had it too and I had a good relationship with - are going down there for his birthday and to meet his new 'friend'. I guess I'm just floored that he has moved on so quickly - instead of working on himself for US like he said, he just went and found someone new - probably someone who he can take advantage of since he now has nothing.

I tried so hard to be supportive, and help him. I wanted things to work but he made it impossible. Why do I care??? FYI - when we met he was clean & sober for over 2 years, and things were wonderful. But they went downhill quickly due to his bipolar disorder. I miss the guy I met, want him back, but figure hes gone forever.

Thanks for reading.

ToughChoices

You don't sound like a sucker to me. You sound like a believer.
Trouble with that is this man sounds like a liar.

1 Believer + 1 Liar = 1 Big Mess

I know it feels terrible, but perhaps the right place for you is far away from him.
I'm sorry that you're going through this pain - I believe there is peace on the other side.
Keep your chin up, sweetie.
-TC

veryrestless722

he probably moved on so quickly so he would have a place to stay (my xah did the same thing) and she probably enables him, i wouldnt take that personally

i learned the hard way they do alot of quacking when it suits them and they never do anything they said they were going to, i dont listen to it anymore

sorry your having a tough time

cassandra2

In my opinion for them, the A's, it is easier to walk away from a mess then to try and fix it. Its much easier to turn your back on someone then to get down to the nitty gritty of fixing problems.

Bluejupiter I really thank you for your post. That insight jumped out at me as I read your post. You are not a sucker in any sense of the word. Sometimes we are blinded by "love". You really truly wanted to believe in him. So many of us do it. I dont believe we are suckers.

Here is an example, right now I am suppose to be writing a ten page term paper. I have one paragraph done. Its due on Monday. This is for my FINAL grade. And because I am telling myself that its gonna be hard and I dont want to do it I am busying myself being on here and avoiding that paper like the plague. In all reality I am only hurting myself by not doing it.

Same thing with addicts. They want to avoid the problems that they have created in their lives. They do this by either using or denying there is a problem. This is the EASY way we all know it. Avoidance is easier then saying "Ok I made a mistake I need to fix it". I see this in my ex. He is in treatment but his actions say he is still avoiding fixing problems. He wants to busy himself with life and other distractions rather then looking for the solutions.

For your ex its the same thing. Why not get someone new. Then I dont have to fix anything and I have no worries. And sometimes is just plan easier to pick something else up and play with that until they break it and then move on...

Never think that what an addict does is a reflection of yourself.....

embraced2000

bluejupiter, you are not a sucker. you have been highly effected by living with the effects of alcoholism. we all know that ugly experience.

it only took my xah about 2 seconds to find a woman to help him further his career as an alcholic. he refused to hold down a job so he needed a woman who was established, (home, family, job, money) so he could move right in and pretend like it was his life.

i understand the feelings you describe. it took me about 25 times of taking my x back into my life before i finally got it.

just remember one thing.....you know exactly what kind of life this new woman will have with him.

i was so crushed first time it happened to me. i thought what we had was so special. but his alcoholism was more special to him than anything on the face of the earth.

hang in there and keep posting. everyone here understands like no others can.

(((((((blue)))))))

Tryingto

I don't think your a sucker. I think people can change (including me), but more to the point these actions don't sound that of a man trying to change and truly put in effort to change his addictions.

bluejupiter

I guess I'm also amazed at how fast the destruction can happen - to my life and to him. Its only been 3 months since we moved in together, he started drinking again, I moved out in a rush and under police presence because he was acting crazy, he got into a serious accident and spent 4 days in hospital, within 2 weeks of that he was arrested (for the 4th time in 4 months) and taken into custody, he swore he learned his lesson and clearly Not. I had moved out of my home of 4 years into a beautiful house with him, and then into a small temporary place, then finally now into my own apartment again. This man has uprooted my life in so many ways and so quickly! 3 moves in 3 months. Hes very very good looking, charming and sexy - he just knows how to work it to his advantage. This is why I feel like a sucker - that I can be so aware of the devastation hes caused and still miss him. And he can just move on with no regrets. POS. It all makes me so angry.

cassandra2

Tryingto is right. He is not changing anything. So take comfort in that. Feel sorry for the poor woman that he is with now who has no idea of his true colors and will in due time find out. Remember what that was like?

Your ex has nothing to offer anyone. The emotional stability of being in an equal relationship with an addict is IMPOSSIBLE. That is why they call addiction a family disease. It affects everyone who comes into contact with the addict. I like to think of addiction as a tornado. The path of destruction is always the same. No tornado has never not wrecked something that it touched. Therefore in the path of addiction we see destruction.

I am sorry you feel so bad. I really am but also feel thankful that you only had 2 days of the roller coaster. Be glad he is gone and gone in such a way that it will be easier for you to heal yourself....

prodigal

Good looks don't last forever. Everybody ages, and an addict ages pretty quick. The next time you find yourself missing him, try to work towards balance. Remember the good and remember the bad. Keep working at gaining perspective as to why you hung in there and allowed him to pull you down with him. Addicts do that. And codies allow them to do it.

GiveLove

Maybe it's time to slow down, bluejupiter, and focus on you.

Alcoholics will almost always move on to the next person that will enable them. The alternative to this is staying in chaos with them yourself. I (for one) am glad YOU are here in the world of sanity with us, and HE is off creating havoc for somebody else.

Your life is much, much bigger than whatever HE chooses to do. I know this hurts, but it hurts like the pain of having surgery to remove something that was killing you -- it's a necessary kind of pain that will prepare you for a much happier life.

Hugs
GL

bluejupiter

ugh the drama continues. He called me repeatedly last night - all night - sounded sober. He said at 3am (voicemail - i wasn't answering) that he was hitch hiking home. Like anyone would pick his scary looking self up on the freeway at 3-4am. Today is his birthday and he kept saying he loves me and wants to be with me and he'll change. The guilt gets me - I cant help but feel like its his birthday, i should be nice. but he hasn't been nice to me! It's such a struggle inside me - the good hearted part of me wants to be kind to him, but the smart part of me knows I shouldn't give him anything. None of it makes sense to me. I would love to see him get himself together and be the man he was when we met, but in reality - hes 36, he'll never drive again (habitual offender status soon), alcoholic, addict, bipolar, liar... all talk no action. I will never trust him - how can I? Everything he says is a lie. I was so in love with this guy. Its so hard.

bluejay6

What helps me, when I start to long for my disappeared relapsed addict and find myself melting when I think about the sweet moments....is I tell myself that during the sweet moments I was being hustled. When I tell myself that, my backbone straightens and my reality monitor kicks in.

In the book "The Gift of Fear," the author writes about how people who want to control you are always nice to you at first. The more innocent form of this is the car salesman. The most evil form is the serial killer.

So when I think about the man I loved and would have walked through fire with--in his sobriety--I remind myself that I was hustled and the price I paid was not my life but my heart and my innocence.

Like you, I still miss the man. But he was not real, we were not real, and we finally fell back to earth.

I'm still not recovered from it. It's been two and a half years. They sure do a job on us.

If I had started a new relationship in the last two years, I would have taken my damage right into the fabric of that relationship. Instead, I withdrew, went to therapy, went to Al-Anon, and dealt with the heartache and the shock. Still not recovered. But almost.

Don't let your life be ruined by someone who hustled you. Take care.

prairiegirl

All of your posts have really helped me today; it is just what I needed to hear at this moment. Bluejupiter, my guy up and left and went to another country, which hurt like hell. The good thing for me is that I don't know what he's doing there and with who, so even though my mind wanders and makes up scary stories from time to time, I think they've done us a favor. Think how much easier it would be to give in to their calls and take them back if they were close by. As much as I'm still not over it, I think in a backhanded way he did us both a favor by going so far away.

I know about the path of destruction. You wonder what hit you. You're left to clean up this incredible mess and repair the damage they've done on your life (or you've allowed them to do) and it seems like they just go on to better things. I understand the fact that I know the next person won't get any better or anymore than what I got out of him, but I'm still not there yet on accepting that. I miss him like crazy, miss the dream, miss the hole that he's left in my heart but I feel totally betrayed.

We are good people, not suckers. Our good qualities were wasted on our A because they weren't able to appreciate them. After we've done some work on ourselves, those same qualities would be welcomed in a healthy relationship......patience, loyalty, commitment, being able to see the good in someone, strength to get through anything.... These are all good characteristics to have but only in a balanced, healthy, equal relationship.

Hang in there.... you are being very strong and that's encouraging!