four812

hi all....just checking in. I'm moving through sobriety still (in the 50's)

I'm taking a moment right now, to rededicate this day to the Light of the higher power, to reaffirm my intention to live and be clean today. just for today.

I have to work hard at recovery. I am in the "foundation" part of recovery. These moments are beautiful; like the high school days were the foundation for my early adult life.

sometimes there are moments that don't feel good. I can be with those moments today. I can feel those uncomfortable feelings today instead of running away from them in the bottle, drug, food, etc.

sometimes the moment feels good. and I can let go of those moments today, instead of clinging to them in fear that i wont feel good again for a long time.

sometimes I get complacent. and it is for times like those, that i need to work hard at my "self constructed rehab center", my recovery, from the moment i wake until my last waking breath.

Last night i went to a new meeting and i felt some discomfort. I new that was a good thing as I was sitting there, even though I felt alone. it is this lonliness that i must walk through today, among other things like fear and anger too.

Take care, and here is a poem i wrote this week:

Quote:

Someday
(by Jerry Kitchen)


it makes me sad
that I have to die someday
it also makes me
want to live with purpose

it makes me wonder
what of my beginning
and of my failings
and selfishness
and petty-ness

it makes me sad
that I have to die someday
it makes me want to change
it makes me also
want to be filled with Light
far from the darkness
of my thoughts and actions
of my past

it brings me hope
as I believe more each day
that I can be
more simple and free
that I can fly
in eternity
and also love
in an instant
and this erases
the lines of pain and hate
that lie in my face of
history in my eyes
so that I can see,
see the Light
when all is dark

Mariposa18

Thank You for Sharing =)

tommyk

Amen...!

four812

hi all...

I got a driving ticket this morning. I wasn't driving bad at all. In fact i was driving slow and careful and considerately. but I turned right at a "NO TURN ON RED".

Now that has dictated my day in many ways. it's 6 hours later and I still got anger inside of me. just can't let it go. it just sits in me.

then i go thinking I gotta change something for the rest of my life. my driving habits at intersections. i need to take intersections and stop signs as a signal to actually STOP. if only i could just look forward to them as an opportunity to pray, or to be with my higher power. perhaps i can, but it will take change.

So after the ticket I ended up finishing my salad. then I ate all my soup. then I ate a donut that was sitting at the table which I had passed over easily before. then I ate a snickers bar. then I read about one paragraph from my book and went to sleep until now.

so my day has been dictated by this ticket.

well it is now time to let it go. it is time to change my day. it is time to move forward in recovery. time to let go of the FACT that i am not perfect and this is one of those times. time to let go of the anger about wasting the cost of the ticket after doing so much better with my money lately. time to let go of the anger at the police.

and perhaps i can focus on being grateful. grateful that I wasn't hauled off to jail first of all. grateful that i can pay the ticket and not miss a meal. grateful that I was actually driving good when the police officer saw me and not in the middle of something else. grateful that i got fifty some days clean today. grateful that i put in for the next two fridays off and will make those "recovery days".

I'll get through this and now is the time to start walking through the discomfort. to walk through this situation and to allow myself to move back into life. back into living in the moment: one day at a time. everything is working out just perfectly today, and I am ready to understand that right now.

thanks for listening

beachbum617

Ticket schmicket...laugh in the face of adversity!! You can do this. You are strong! Eat what you need to right now. Concentrate on one thing at a time (at least that's what I am doing). HANG IN...we are supporting you from far and near!!

hope3

Ahh, K-splash, love your dealing with life on lifes terms.

I went out to start my car yesterday, it didn't start. After putting

gratitude in my attitude, I found I was grateful it happened in my driveway and not on the highway.

I was grateful it happened on a work day, cause I got a day off...

There's always something to be grateful about, it could always be worst..
so

I'll be grateful today..

Hope and Love

hope3

TryingSoHard

ksplash, I just have to tell you... I so admire you, and I feel such a sense of peace and happiness when I read your posts. You have come SO FAR since I first signed up here back in August. You completely inspire me. You have some really great insight and I truly appreciate that you choose to share it here with us.

Thank you.

four812

thank you for you kind words TRYINGSOHARD. it means a lot.

I've just returned from a meditation group w/sharing on my day off from work. it was awsome. I left feeling full of love and kindness for the universe.

then I came to an intersection and the light turned red. I put on the brakes. a little annoyed at first, but then i remembered. intersection. I want to learn to stop at my intersections in life, and that includes the ones on the road. these intersections on the road are an opportunity for me to stop and settle in and make good decisions each time i come to an intersection today.

I love taking recovery days (a planned day off work to do recovery things and then later whatever other things are in the day). My recovery morning is over and now it is time to live. to live my life. to take a moment and live my life here on SR.

I love this place. it's so cool how it is even here and available. it's an amazing miracle each time it pops up on the computers from which i access it.
'
good day

Horselover

Ksplash - you are a definite blessing. I really needed to read this today and didn't even realize where I was spiritually until after I was done. Thank you for being here.

four812

horselover and steamvessel thank you

your kind words are what i need right now. I made it through some cravings moments ago. did the right things...called phone numbers until i got a hold of something and kept driving away from the city. (I was in the city for an activity with my daughter this morning)

now i'm at my apartment complex, only 1 mile away from the alano club too.

i'm going to be alright. i mean that i am going to stay clean. and it's not about the time. it's not about giving up "clean time" so to speak, but I just want to stay clean. I just want to change; to keep changing.

sometimes it's so hard...the patterns, the habits, the old addict self trying to take over. but today I am in charge. I make the choices in my life--not my adolescent addict voice. today I want to be the best I can be.

thanks for listening. I love SR, and all you guys, and i'm even beginning to love the world more and more (the good and the so called "not good" (as defined in my mind)).

TryingSoHard

ksplash, you are so right. Sometimes it can be effin HARD. But you know what? Just the fact that you can RECOGNIZE that it's your addict voice kicking in, trying to take over, is a sign of tremendous progress. And then for you to say that you're in charge and you make the choices?? Dude... you are da MAN! You have definitely got the right thought process going on. You hold on to that and tell that addict voice to STFU and go straight to h3ll!!!

I'm so very proud of you. You are doing wonderfully, even on the days when it's so hard.

least

Thank you for sharing your poem. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for being yourself and for sharing your struggles and triumphs.