foggy

As AH has gotten worse, he has gotten crabbier and more inconsistent with the children. I know they know something's going on. My 9-y.o. has been dealing with anxiety for the past few weeks, and now says that he's "always sad." He doesn't attribute any of this to his dad, but I know that's where it's coming from. I plan to take him to the doctor and get him a referral to talk to a professional. Meanwhile, I know it's way past time for me to talk to him about this. I just don't know how to approach the subject with a 4th grader. How do you do this?

Barbara52

That's a tough one. I would seek professional advice on how to approach the whole thing. Therapy for your son could be very helpful for him in dealing with whatever goes on.

Bernadette

Hey foggy-
I've had to break lots of bad news to my boys - as we all have to at times in life- try not to be afraid- children do very well with reality- it is when they are stuck in their imagination about what's going wrong that they have the worst anxiety. Facts are reassuring.

Also remember it is not one BIG conversation - it should be a series of ongoing conversations - so the first one is just an icebreaker- like calling a meeting- say we need to have a "mother Son Pow Wow" or something and start by acknowledging that there is a problem, it's called alcoholism, many many families deal with it, it is very hard, but you are there for him 100%, and reassure him it has nothing to do with LOVE, or that there is anything he can do to control or change it...and if he has any questions or fears that you are ALWAYS available to discuss it - just tell him to say he needs a Mother-Son Pow Wow! And then I agree - getting a child mental health professional who deals with addiction in families for him to talk to will be great.

It is scary to put the spotlight on the elephant in the living room- but it is also a relief. I would have felt that way when I was kid - if just ONE adult had been square with me-- UGH what a lot of heartache and self-doubt I could have avoided. It doesn;t make the problem go away- but it is far better to feel like someone is in charge who is seeing the real deal.

Good luck and mom (((hugs)))!!
Peace-
B.

LarryATL

Foggy, I think your son might surprise you. I covered up for my AW during the time he (my son) was 8-9-10 years old and made excuses as why she was passed out most days - never mentioning alcoholism. Finally when he was 10 and I was making up yet another cover story for Mom's condition that day, he blurts out "Dad, you don't have to make up these stories.... I know Mom is a drunk".

Well ! That was that. We have had many completely honest, deep conversations about alcoholism, his A mom, Alanon, etc. since then.

As Bernadette advised, keep it simple and in bite-size chunks - let him take it at his own pace.

Keep reminding him that it was nothing he did that caused it, how we can't cure it or control the A, etc. And the other things that Bernadette advised as well.

I would also explain to him that his dad is sick/ill. I think most kids intuitively "get" this already.

Good luck, I think your kid might surprise you.

Larry

Stubborn1

The toughest thing yet the best thing I ever did was to tell the kids that I had to make daddy leave because it was my job to protect them and keep them safe no matter what. They were allowed to love their father and even write him letters and see him. When mommy felt it was safe then daddy might come back. He/They had nothing to worry about because I was going to keep them safe. They only needed to know we both love them and they did nothing wrong!
Do not ever bad mouth his dad, he will be very defensive. Say he's sick and he can pray for him to get better. Give your son a journal and give him promts such as "Today I feel........" or "I would like to............" things like that. Tell him it's private but of course know where he keeps it so you can check in on him mentally.
Good luck. It's hard but you are the only one that can protect your child.

coyote21

I agree, my xaw lied repeatedly to our little girl. She was 5yo when the alcoholic sh!t hit the fan, and her mom and I divorced and she stayed with me. I swore to her then I'd always tell her the truth and if she had any questions just ask.

And she has asked! Lots of stuff, not just about her mom's drinking, about mine as well, I've never lied or tried to cover up for her mom OR myself. She's 7 now and she knows more about alcoholism than any kid should know, but I believe like B said, they find comfort in the truth. No to mention they know WAY more than we think they know.

They are no different than we are, when they know something is amiss, but all the adults are telling them nothing is wrong, that is crazy making.

I think he will find comfort in the truth, also make sure he knows he's not to blame, I heard some where that little kids tend to think stuff is their fault.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

inahaze

My daughter has realized something's "not right" with daddy and has asked me what was wrong with him. The old excuses of him not feeling good, of him being tired just seemed completely inappropriate to an almost 10yr old. So, I broke down and told her the truth. She knew he drank and she knew that sometimes he gets "sick or tired" but hadn't put the two together really.

Now she knows.....

And she does pretty well with it as far as understanding it goes, it didn't affect her love for him at all and I'm glad. Despite everything I think she still needs to care for him.

Kids are better with things than what they're given credit for and instead of letting her make up her own conclusions, I gave her the truth. The imagination might of made things worse in the long run.

blessed4x

I can't give you any better advice than you've gotten, but would encourage you to have the conversation(s), sooner than later.

Last summer my 16 y.o. and I were at his brothers baseball game and the parents in the bleachers were talking about something (can't remember what exactly) and one of them said my husband was supposed to tell me and jokingly said "What's wrong with him?" 16 y.o. turns around and says "ummm....he's an ALCOHOLIC". Yikes!! True, but the hostile honesty sure took me by surprise. We've had lots of conversations since.

So, my 2 cents would be not to stick your head in the sand and wait like I did.