230 days and I need help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 39
230 days and I need help!
Well after 230 days of sobriety I finally failed.
I have always had mini episodes of being an addict of one kind or another. In my 20’s it was alcohol, my 30’s it was pills, and now in my 40’s it is cocaine. Also since my teens I’ve had a problem with gambling which is all tied into the same addictive personality that I have. Somehow in the process I have managed to get married only once and have 2 wonderful children.
I started to use cocaine when I found a bag of it in a pool table. A few days after that I had to drive from Houston to Las Vegas and needed a boost to make the trip over there. Once I got back I needed another boost to get back into the swing of everyday life. You know the story from there…
Reality finally hit when I had an employee of 4 years steal from my business. Then when I approached him about it I realized that he had been planning on blaming me for the theft all along and was going to use the cocaine as a reason for the theft. The problem comes in because I had partners in my business and since I was a 1/3 partner I could be kicked out of the business. Fortunately, with the way that I caught him it blew his whole story so my partners did not try to prosecute me as they realized that there was no way I could have done it. One of my biggest regrets is that I had actually saved that employee when he brutally beat the crap out of me 2 years prior. My wife insisted that I drop the charges on him and then the DA gave him a break when he did plead guilty. The good news is that if he ever hits anyone again he will go to prison. I’m pretty sure my wife was screwing him during the time that I was doing coke but I can’t absolutely prove it.
Once my partners found out about the cocaine abuse they were supportive at first. I went to outpatient rehab but was kicked out shortly thereafter because one of the counselors and I were never going to see eye to eye. I still stayed sober despite that but after 30 days the partners decided to push me out of the business anyway. I think my low was actually that day because instead of leaving with dignity I felt compelled to moon one of the partners and tell him to go **** his mother. He is middle eastern so I knew that it would royally **** him off.
My wife throughout my recovery has not been very supportive at all. Even though I was putting every effort out to stay clean (and doing so) she has constantly been calling me a coke head every time we have an argument. She even does this in front of my kids as I did let them know why dad was acting so strange for so long. It hurts very deep when she calls me that, especially in front of them. She refuses to go to work to try to help us out during this transition period. Fortunately, I’ve been able to have some early success in my new career. However the stress at times seems overwhelming.
Even after all that I was determined not to go back to that deep hole. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly. I even lost 65 pounds from April to September. Then hurricane Ike hit us and we were without electricity for 15 days. Man was that depressing! But I still didn’t use. However I did start to go back to some old habits. I stopped eating healthy and I stopped exercising. In just 2 months I gained 20 pounds and then the cravings started to come back. But I couldn’t tell my wife because then she would be right. I’m not going to rehab because I was already kicked out once and besides how would I explain to my wife that I suddenly needed to go to rehab? I don’t have any friends left after what I did. And my family still doesn’t know, they just think that I isolated myself from them for the year that I was using. I’m talking to my parents again but my siblings and I are still on negative terms. Enough so that I’m not going over there for Thanksgiving and will instead stay at home alone. I’ll survive!
Well I finally broke when my wife and kids went out of town for the holidays. It only took me 2 days before I started using again. I binged and used up everything that I purchased in the same night (2 eight balls). That is when I found this site as I figured I really need to talk to someone. I do not want to go back into that hole. I was so proud of my recovery. I needed to talk to someone so I got on the chat and boy did that help. Thank you SP for your support, you don’t know how much you helped.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to let this one episode destroy all of my efforts and instead am going to use it as a refocusing tool. Yesterday I went shopping for all the right foods to have back in the house and today I will get back to the gym. I need to lose another 30 to 40 pounds as it really does help the self esteem. I realize that I also need to lose the wife of 19 years which I will do in the coming months as that will also help out the self esteem. I’m sure there are other things I need to resolve and time will bring those to light. Also in the coming years I hope to find some new friends that understand my sickness and the pain that I’m going through inside. It hurts so bad but I’m sure a lot of you already know that. Why am I so strong but yet so weak?
I have always had mini episodes of being an addict of one kind or another. In my 20’s it was alcohol, my 30’s it was pills, and now in my 40’s it is cocaine. Also since my teens I’ve had a problem with gambling which is all tied into the same addictive personality that I have. Somehow in the process I have managed to get married only once and have 2 wonderful children.
I started to use cocaine when I found a bag of it in a pool table. A few days after that I had to drive from Houston to Las Vegas and needed a boost to make the trip over there. Once I got back I needed another boost to get back into the swing of everyday life. You know the story from there…
Reality finally hit when I had an employee of 4 years steal from my business. Then when I approached him about it I realized that he had been planning on blaming me for the theft all along and was going to use the cocaine as a reason for the theft. The problem comes in because I had partners in my business and since I was a 1/3 partner I could be kicked out of the business. Fortunately, with the way that I caught him it blew his whole story so my partners did not try to prosecute me as they realized that there was no way I could have done it. One of my biggest regrets is that I had actually saved that employee when he brutally beat the crap out of me 2 years prior. My wife insisted that I drop the charges on him and then the DA gave him a break when he did plead guilty. The good news is that if he ever hits anyone again he will go to prison. I’m pretty sure my wife was screwing him during the time that I was doing coke but I can’t absolutely prove it.
Once my partners found out about the cocaine abuse they were supportive at first. I went to outpatient rehab but was kicked out shortly thereafter because one of the counselors and I were never going to see eye to eye. I still stayed sober despite that but after 30 days the partners decided to push me out of the business anyway. I think my low was actually that day because instead of leaving with dignity I felt compelled to moon one of the partners and tell him to go **** his mother. He is middle eastern so I knew that it would royally **** him off.
My wife throughout my recovery has not been very supportive at all. Even though I was putting every effort out to stay clean (and doing so) she has constantly been calling me a coke head every time we have an argument. She even does this in front of my kids as I did let them know why dad was acting so strange for so long. It hurts very deep when she calls me that, especially in front of them. She refuses to go to work to try to help us out during this transition period. Fortunately, I’ve been able to have some early success in my new career. However the stress at times seems overwhelming.
Even after all that I was determined not to go back to that deep hole. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly. I even lost 65 pounds from April to September. Then hurricane Ike hit us and we were without electricity for 15 days. Man was that depressing! But I still didn’t use. However I did start to go back to some old habits. I stopped eating healthy and I stopped exercising. In just 2 months I gained 20 pounds and then the cravings started to come back. But I couldn’t tell my wife because then she would be right. I’m not going to rehab because I was already kicked out once and besides how would I explain to my wife that I suddenly needed to go to rehab? I don’t have any friends left after what I did. And my family still doesn’t know, they just think that I isolated myself from them for the year that I was using. I’m talking to my parents again but my siblings and I are still on negative terms. Enough so that I’m not going over there for Thanksgiving and will instead stay at home alone. I’ll survive!
Well I finally broke when my wife and kids went out of town for the holidays. It only took me 2 days before I started using again. I binged and used up everything that I purchased in the same night (2 eight balls). That is when I found this site as I figured I really need to talk to someone. I do not want to go back into that hole. I was so proud of my recovery. I needed to talk to someone so I got on the chat and boy did that help. Thank you SP for your support, you don’t know how much you helped.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to let this one episode destroy all of my efforts and instead am going to use it as a refocusing tool. Yesterday I went shopping for all the right foods to have back in the house and today I will get back to the gym. I need to lose another 30 to 40 pounds as it really does help the self esteem. I realize that I also need to lose the wife of 19 years which I will do in the coming months as that will also help out the self esteem. I’m sure there are other things I need to resolve and time will bring those to light. Also in the coming years I hope to find some new friends that understand my sickness and the pain that I’m going through inside. It hurts so bad but I’m sure a lot of you already know that. Why am I so strong but yet so weak?
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
What a story! I know I shouldn't, but I had to giggle over you mooning your business partner!
Well, I'm early days, still have crippling cravings. I can only suggest reaching out for help. Drugs are stronger than us and you can't do it alone. We've all tried enough times!
There is Cocaine Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings in most towns. AA is what I got to altho my main problem is narcotics. They do teach you how to live without chemicals, basically. How to cope with life on life's terms. And full of people like us, which can't be bad, lol!!!
Well, I'm early days, still have crippling cravings. I can only suggest reaching out for help. Drugs are stronger than us and you can't do it alone. We've all tried enough times!
There is Cocaine Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings in most towns. AA is what I got to altho my main problem is narcotics. They do teach you how to live without chemicals, basically. How to cope with life on life's terms. And full of people like us, which can't be bad, lol!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you want to get back on track.
Like you, I have found, that balance is so important in recovery. And, even a few days of not eating well, extra stress or not exercising, and I know I'm not doing well.
It seems to me like the verbal abuse from your wife is not only bad for you, but it's bad for your children. In my opinion, it's unacceptable.
I'm glad you found us and please know that you can get back on track.
I'm glad you want to get back on track.
Like you, I have found, that balance is so important in recovery. And, even a few days of not eating well, extra stress or not exercising, and I know I'm not doing well.
It seems to me like the verbal abuse from your wife is not only bad for you, but it's bad for your children. In my opinion, it's unacceptable.
I'm glad you found us and please know that you can get back on track.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Welcome to SR. It sounds like you have the beginnings of a plan and that is great. Dont forget about NA meetings, if you havent been to one before you might find that they could really help. Keep reaching out for help and sharing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
IMO It's not weakness - it's addiction, Roadguy.
We're at the mercy of substances - substances we habitually ingest.
It's a cruel cycle....but I'm glad to see you're back on track.
Welcome to SR!
D
We're at the mercy of substances - substances we habitually ingest.
It's a cruel cycle....but I'm glad to see you're back on track.
Welcome to SR!
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 4,469
Welcome to SR. Not using has NOTHING to do with will-power or being weak. It is a disease. The AMA even says it is a disease. One we put chemicals in our body all bets are off.
I agree that you should try NA or AA. I personally go to AA and it is working. I have been clean and sober for 22 months and I used everyday for 15 years!
Please keep posing.
I agree that you should try NA or AA. I personally go to AA and it is working. I have been clean and sober for 22 months and I used everyday for 15 years!
Please keep posing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Palm Beach, fl
Posts: 24
Courage
HEY MAN,
Listen it takes a lot of courage to face those demons that represent the worst part of us. Most people spend their lives running fron them thus never conquering their greatest fears. You have made a conscious choice to do the right thing and that sheer determination along with the right support will get you far.
I had a similar addiction to cocaine that lasted about 5 months or so in 2006. At first I let a friend talk me into trying it, the feeling was so empowering I spent the next 5 months chasing, not paying bills, and selling possessions just to get high. Since I have a family history of drugs and alcohol I knew I had to do something. I knew I could not cause the pain of my mother having to see yet another family member, let alone her son, hooked on cocaine.
Unfortunately, I traded one addiction for another. To help myself get over that addiction I became addicted to pain killlers, Hydrocodones specifically.
That is what brings me to this ste today. Today makes 24hours since my last pill.
My point to you is dont let go of your vision of cleanliness and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. You deserve a better life for yourself and your kids.
Listen it takes a lot of courage to face those demons that represent the worst part of us. Most people spend their lives running fron them thus never conquering their greatest fears. You have made a conscious choice to do the right thing and that sheer determination along with the right support will get you far.
I had a similar addiction to cocaine that lasted about 5 months or so in 2006. At first I let a friend talk me into trying it, the feeling was so empowering I spent the next 5 months chasing, not paying bills, and selling possessions just to get high. Since I have a family history of drugs and alcohol I knew I had to do something. I knew I could not cause the pain of my mother having to see yet another family member, let alone her son, hooked on cocaine.
Unfortunately, I traded one addiction for another. To help myself get over that addiction I became addicted to pain killlers, Hydrocodones specifically.
That is what brings me to this ste today. Today makes 24hours since my last pill.
My point to you is dont let go of your vision of cleanliness and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. You deserve a better life for yourself and your kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 39
Courage,
Welcome to SR and thank you for your supporting words. I've managed to get back on track over the last 6 days and plan on keeping it that way. I'm looking forward to seeing your posts and I'm here along with everyone else to offer you support.
Welcome to SR and thank you for your supporting words. I've managed to get back on track over the last 6 days and plan on keeping it that way. I'm looking forward to seeing your posts and I'm here along with everyone else to offer you support.
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