genrs123

my ex addict/alcoholic boyfriend saw me at a show the other day, and tried to talk to me despite me telling him often that we can not talk , and that we can not be friends because i am still in love with him. we broke up about 6 months ago--- but were together off and on 8 years or so.

I tried to be nice , i said how are you he said he was okay, i half heartedly forced myself to smile, i said good and i left.

last night i got an email sounding angry and mad that we couldnt talk , that he was "glad to see ive grown up a bit" "this is what all our history come to".

i wrote him back saying that he thought i was clingy and needy. now im none of those things to him- and he should be a bit prouder and that maybe i have "grown up a bit".

I also told him that i thought he was selfish for not factoring in my feelings, that because i am still constantly reminded of my heart break, i would just want to remind him, too which isnt healthy.
i also explained that i loved him more than myself and that until that changed it would be unhealthy if we were "friends" and that i still care about him, if he really needed me id be there for him.
and that i was sorry he thought it was selfish- but it wasnt. ive told him i couldnt be friends with him as he still broken my heart and that i could say to him too, couldnt we ha ve worked it out- this is what all our history has come to? and that he made this decision.

he has read it, but not replied. it REALLY HURTS. i feel like he got me again. i wrote him a second email basically saying, thanks i guess he got what he wanted- to know i still cared and that he was okay. and while i poured my heart out, he just said nothing.

it really bummed me out. he gets all angry that ere not talking and then HE doesnt even talk to me . i know thats probably for the best.

but the problem i have here is that I guess he is just OVER the breakup now??? just wants to be friends?!!? what a jerk. i hope i expressed that he is selfish in my email for not thinking of my broken heart.

Troubledone

geners123

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

First, please don't beat yourself up about this - we have all done it. The fact that you are aware of it is a big step in the right direction. Only by seeing how we trip ourselves up can we begin to not do so.

Keeping that in mind, I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I can't understand why you tell him you "love him too much to be freinds". I'm 53 and I've seen way too many freinds and female relatives over the years allow themselves to be put down and hurt by guys with nothing going on --it amazes me.

You sound like a smart, articulate and logical girl. And dating 101 says - men respect women who respect themselves. If you have the confidence to ignore him and the self respect to tell him to just flake off, then he will dissolve from your life.

When you have moved on, you'll no longer care that he has. When you no longer care, he won't be able to "get you" again.

My suggestion - do NOT tell him you love him more than your love yourself and that you can't be friend because of this - this just broadcasts how vulnerable you are. Even if it is true, that just says to him "I am too weak to even keep my truth to myself from those who would hurt me". This might not be how it feels inside you, but he may be taking it this way.

Addicts do whatever makes them feel good, and the impact they have on others is completely outside of thier awareness or concern. So broadcasting your vulnerability is like waving a red flag at a bull - hard to resist.

My suggestion - focus on all your qualities and strengths. Even if you don't feel strong, act strong - especially around him (fake it till you make it). Find people and situations that build you up. Make some goals - keep busy doing positive things that make you a better you. The only way to get your life and strength back is to focus on your own health, happniness and growth in a positive way so that he fades into the background.

God bless you - I pray you find some good female role models for strengh and that you can develop your own intestinal fortitude. Good Luck and please be nice to yourself.

genrs123

troubledone,

i wish you were teaching me dating101.

youre right about broadcasting my vulnerability- very smart and interesting insight you have given me. its true. i cant even keep my weakness to myself i am so hurt.

i wish i had the self confidence to ignore him or self respect. but the truth is there is (obviously) still a part of me that wants to give him an opportunity to say... oh, youre hurting? im sorry. maybe we can make it work.
i want to let him know i guess because i still have the hope that its not over.

its sad. i am so stuck and depressed. i just dont feel the same way about others and i still feel so rejected by him

atalose

Geners123,

Not to sound too harsh but what exactly were you hoping would happen with the e-mail you sent him professing your love and broken heart?

What kind of a reaction were you hoping for? You said it really hurts that you know he read it but never replied, what were you hoping his reply would have been?

I learned a long time ago that when I would send e-mails, especially when I didn’t have control over my own emotions, my e-mails would be in attempting to control someone else into something I wanted, wished for or hoped for.

genrs123

yes, i wanted to him to say that he still loved me or cared about me too. i cant help it. im not over him. it hurts to think hes over me. actually it devestates me.

outtolunch

I am two years older than you and have spent a lifetime watching women do this to themselves. Women have a tendency to abdicate responsibility for their own happiness and wellbeing to someone else and so often that someone is incapable of feeling or returning love.

Why this is, I do not know. All women deserve to treat themselves better than many do.

cassandra2

Just by replying to the email you are telling him you still love him or are interested in whatever he has to say or where he is at. He is NOT over you if he were you would be a distant thought. He would not take the effort to send you an email. He was letting you know that it bothered him that you couldnt talk to him.

I understand the desire of you wanting to hear him say those things. I really do. I would like to hear them from my ex (except with all the feeling and emotion he used to have).

I believe that the reason he sent you the email was to see if he could reel you in again. That simple. And he did. By you telling him that he is still a weakness for you you are letting him know that the door is still open. Call it crazy but thats the impression I got from what I read.

Be strong this too shall pass.........

genrs123

thanks cassandra. your posts are always helpful and appreciated!!! i mean its true, in some ways the door is still open but i am telling you i had an increidble thanksgiving and i think a change is coming. halleluyah.