Eleison

I admit it. I need help with it. I have seen how destructive it is. And it's really shaken me up.
Bottom line is, I did something out of rage on the way to work, and have hurt my foot quite badly. I'm limping.
I feel ashamed, frightened, and shaken up.
I was in so much pain I nearly passed out.

Yes. I'm a woman. I'm 38. I'm 5 foot 2 and light build. But that can still mean rage is a problem. All the more so, with my past.

I'll come back to this later.

timzup

Please do.

Anna

I suspect that your rage is a type of release that your body is seeking for all the anger and that a rage episode probably makes you feel better momentarily. And, then the reality of what you've done sinks in. I used to have anger issues too.

It's not something that is easy to fix, but you can find other ways to release your anger. Exercise is a great help and so is spiritual healing. Try doing meditation. Or maybe you might try some counselling.

Pam08

I think we have all been there at times, when we just lose control of our feelings and lash out. I have been there many many times and feel horrible after for having no control. Not a good feeling, I know, but we are learning and growing and in time I believe we will mature in many ways the longer the sobriety, and working the program, which I am attempting to do. Hope your foot is okay.

nickishine

Wow! You're saying and doing what I feel most of the time. You're releasing it... yeah, unhealthily. We will learn how to manage all this junk inside of us eventually. It's not gonna come overnight sadly! Getting it out here is a great tool and talking to others who can relate is another positive release.

Hang in there. I'm told it gets better -- there's a bit of hope for us today!
Nicki

ClimbingUP

I dealt with anger and rage for so many years. I did martial arts for a number of years too, so I kind of think that made me doubly aggressive.

I remember one time standing on a corner in the city when I heard a water bottle buzz by my head and crash into the street behind me. There were 5 older teenagers crossing the street towards me, and they started laughing and said "oh, sorry, we didn't mean that for you". I was super pissed because they definitely tried to hit me with that bottle. On this corner, there's a restaurant with outdoor seating and it was packed. Waaaay down the block, I saw my boyfriend coming towards me--we were supposed to be meeting each other on the corner.

I turned and looked at these kids and I yelled at them "If you had hit me, I would have kicked your ******* ass". They all were like "What?". Here I am, this petite white chick calling out 5 black kids. I'm not trying to sound racist, but it is what it is. I think sometimes innercity black kids get off on intimidating white people.

In a couple of seconds I figured out a couple of things:
1. I was fighting these kids.
2. I was breaking one of their noses right off the bat.
3. My boyfriend, who was a huge irish guy who loved to fight, would notice if a fight broke out, run up to check it out, and would help me if he saw it was me.

I didn't care if I went to the hospital. I didn't care if I killed one of them. At that moment, I was in a blind rage of indignation.

Two of the girls turned to fight me, and I was coming at them with my fists raised--I trained in thai kickboxing--with a metal stick called a kubaton in my right hand.

Luckily, at that moment, the manager of the restaurant came out and got in between us and told the girls to get lost. I was shaking with adrenaline.

So, when I tell you I know about rage, especially what it looks and feels like to be a woman who rages, I do. And I also know what it feels like to change my aggressiveness into positive assertiveness. I don't rage anymore. I keep things in perspective. I do struggle when I'm angry, but I haven't lashed out at anyone or anything for a really long time.

Part of dealing with my anger was learning that a lot of my anger came from feeling hurt or disrespected. Keeping things in and reacting passive aggressively is an awful coping strategy. There was a woman who I worked with last year who could make me so angry, but I realized that it was because I felt like she was talking to me like a stupid kid, which is a huge anger trigger for me. Once I talked to her and told her how I felt, the anger was gone and I could deal with her normally.

It's funny how you can be really angry, and then when you stop and try to understand where that anger is really coming from and you realize that it's being triggered from something in your past, the anger just dissipates. Anger is a loss of control, but understanding where it really comes from gives you that control back.

Eleison

Thanks everyone.

I'm in therapy and working on it - amongst other things!
Although I couldn't bring myself to tell my therapist about today's thing. I felt too ashamed. But I can work with it myself, and such, so it's in hand. And of course I'm bringing it here.

Ok, it probably sounds really 'stupid' but I kicked a car that came too close to me when I was trying to cross the road. My fault really, as I could have waited. But mornings are Not Good times for me. Of course my shoe's not very heavy duty and so my foot got a bit crushed in on itself.
It's much less painful now. Arnica tablets and cream.

I'll come back to this again later.

Eleison

Yes, my body needs the release of over 30 held in years. It comes out in small but dangerous bursts. It used to be far worse. Really it did. Frightening. From someone known at school as a little mouse, little miss shy and retiring, etc, I became The Worm That Turned [80s UK tv programme thing...]
I think the powerlessness I felt in the face of an inappropriate job, along with being the target of ridicule of class after class of inner London primary school children, pushed me to the edge and I.. fell off. It was kept in the classrooms - I shouted a lot, and onto myself - I hit myself when I got home. For many years. Then when I left teaching, it leaked out. As I suppose it naturally would. The whole childhood and adolesecent stuff packed in on the work stuff and not only did I get depressed I got pedestrain rage, I suppose you'd call it. It started when a man stepped back onto my foot, and I hit him ... [nothing huge, but still wrong.]
Yes. I want to beat the **** out of the gang of 20 and more girls who beat me emotionally to pulp every single school day for over 10 years. And who physically assaulted me, too.

*breathes*

The thing is between power and powerlessness. Of course I would crave power with how much it was damagingly imposed on me for so long. And once you get a taste... well, you know the rest. Thing is it's a false sense of power, this rage. Much like standing in front of a class of rioting 10 year olds. It just makes people laugh. ****. I don't need any more of that, people laughing at me. Do you know how much it hurts?

... sorry about this, just need to vent.
If anyone has any thoughts or comments, I'd appreciate it.

adore79

I read somewhere that in our mind there is a constant balance (or imbalance) between emotions and our logical selves. When our emotions blow up it takes over and our logic dissapears. We know how it is: in a rage state there is nothing but anger, there are no consequences, our sence of right and wrong dissapear, we are trully in the moment and once we release some of the rage, our logic centers start working again, after it is too late. It is a dangerous state to be in.

ClimbingUP

When I find myself getting mad now, I stop what I'm doing and ask myself what's really going on. It's so easy to blame others for why we're angry. So much of anger is not taking proper responsibility for our own emotions. Anger makes you a victim(not you, eleison, but you in the impersonal) of something or someone else, and so you get to feel a sense of righteousness or validation that the anger isn't your own fault, but that of whatever it was that made you feel angry.

Years ago when I first started dealing with my anger, I was waiting for a boyfriend who was taking forever to come pick me up. I was mad at myself for something that had happened earlier and I was anxious that it was taking him so long to pick me up. I used to get frustrated so easily, and I remember when he finally picked me up, I wanted to berate him for not getting there sooner. And then, like the sound of an angel, my therapist's voice was in my head telling me "Is this really such a big deal? Why are you so angry over this?" That was one of the first times that I started really owning my emotions.

Funny--these days when I get cranky and angry, it's almost always coinciding with my menstrual cycle. I'll be feeling overly emotional, and then I'll stop and do the math.

My therapist recommended a book called The Dance of Anger. It has to do with women and anger, and I remember it being a great source of comfort.

Eleison

I'm still finding it hard to see it as a bad thing. Even now. My mind is split over that.

I need to try and remind myself that it's ok to feel what I feel, just not to act it out - I can hear and understand my feelings, and I need to stay safe with them.

ClimbingUP

Oh, I felt super powerful when I was angry. There's definitely an upside to it--or else no one would ever get angry.

I had a crazy neighbor for a while, and I realized something about him and his anger. It was easier for him to apologize after the fact than to fix his behavior. He had no one in his life to really call him on his behavior, so anger was a very effective way for him to get what he wanted with little repercussions.

As a woman, anger looks different. It's not as socially acceptable to be angry as a woman. I remember one time getting so angry at a couple of jerks who were drunk and saying some obnoxious stuff to me and my friends. I almost called them out, but none of my friends were angry and they kind of looked at me like I was crazy. I was crazy. And I didn't want to be crazy anymore.

It's hard to see ourselves clearly through our defense mechanisms. I know that many of my self growth epiphanies came after seeing my own behavior reflected in the craziness of someone else. Being disgusted by someone, and then realizing that I had acted the same exact way so many times was a real wake up call.

Aysha

I know rage all too well. I have done those things too. I always ended up wounding myself in the end too.

Rage is a dangerous emotion. As is anger.

But your right.. Keeping it in is not good.
But dont act on it. Not in violence anyway.

I have done alot of work on trying to control my anger and rage. I had to before I caught a case or hurt mslef or someone else.

I dont know what works. I just know what has worked for me.

And for me it has been very simple. Once I have gotten it in my mind to stop before its too late.
I need to stop. Walk away. Breathe and just breathe soemmore. ANd talk mself down in my head.
Literally talk to myself.
Sounds easy right?
Well it is if you can stop first.
I neevr could even stop long enough to even have a single rational thought. All I saw was red and reflex had me head on with madness acting out in violence.

Once I learned to catch myself and STOP. It got easier.
I know..I probably sound crazy. but thats just what has worked for me.

bugsmum

hi again Eleison,
I can relate to so much of what your saying, I've also had some anger and rage issues. It's been my experience that if I try to stiffle my anger, it just festers inside me until I find a way to let it out. My anger is always justified in my mind, whether logical or not. I've had to find non-violent, non self- harming ways to express it.
When I was a teenager I spent some time in a psychiatric hospital. Had a lot of bad stuff happen to me when I was a child that I couldn't deal with and found myself doing a lot of self harming. My doctor had my parents in for a family meeting that stirred up a lot of supressed anger that completely overwhelmed me. By the time the meeting was over, I found myself locked up in a padded room screaming and crying with broken and bloodied knuckles. I'd spent about 15 minutes beating the hell out of the padded walls, but when it was all over I felt so much better. I needed to feel and then release the anger, to move past it.
As an adult I find that I still have a lot of anger and I still have a need to release it so it doesn't become dangerous. What I've discovered however is that there are productive ways to express it. I've gotten involved in yoga, boxing and cognitive behavioral therapy. I have also learned to reason with my logical mind when I feel myself going to the 'scarey place'. I remind myself that the feelings are only temporary and will pass.
I've also learned to be creative with my anger. I intentionally keep glass jars in my trunk to take to recycling when I'm feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. There is something so healing about throwing the jars into the big recycle bins with all my might and watching them shatter into a gazillion little peices. (I always make sure there is LOTS of space between me and the recycle bins so I don't end up with glass flying back at me)
It's taken some time and A LOT of work with my therapist but I can get through those episodes now without incident for the most part. I understand the shame, I really do... we never want to shout from the rooftop that we've lost control. But, I also understand that I'm only human and my feelings are very real. I just have to choose how I deal with them.

...hope this helps a little...

Eleison

Thank you everyone.
I'm flipping less in and out of denial today. Thanks to your support, and talking and exploring a lot through in therapy.
My foot still hurts - the pain's gone into my ankle and leg now. But it's less bad than yesterday.
I'll reply properly after work this evening.

Eleison

My brain's a bit frazzled and my anxiety is high, so I'm not in a position to concentrate enough to reply coherently right now. It's been an intense week, and I'm really tired.
I'm sorry.
I'll try later, but if not, I'll respond tomorrow.

Eleison

Today's been hard.
When I'm anxious it feels like everyone is staring at me [and sometimes they are]. On the tube today I had to change trains several times because I felt so intimidated. Intimidated isn't good, because I have all kinds of violent aggressive fantasies of wanting to really hurt the people who're staring at me.
I didn't act on any of those fantasies. But it was there in my hostile gaze.
It's so hard.
It just.. happens.