My story :(
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My story :(
Hi friends!!
I think some of you already read my story at another thread..
First of all thank you for being there. This message board rules!!
I wanted to share my story and vent a little. These have been the toughest weeks I have lived and all your words are great support.
I fell in love as I have never before with this guy who was really sweet and loving (HAH!). He was incredible. I lived with my best girlfriend and had a job I liked, although it was very very stressful. Those were simpler, happier times.
This guy got a job opportunity in another city and he asked me if I would follow him.. after a month I got the chance to join the same company, we lived together with another one of his friends. We were very very happy about this chance.
One weekend we went to a beach and got drunk, at night he started making all these unbelievably hurtful comments about things I have shared to him in confidence. I usually never cry infront of anyone, not even him. Well I just started crying right away in disbelief. It came to me as a shock and a surprise that he could be so cruel. There were many times that we shared our hurt and cried and cried hugging each other until dawn.. we were really close. His mother died some years ago (I believe that was the start of his drinking spree) and I have also gone through tough stuff. He was also my best friend, you know.
Of course later he apologized and said he would never do it again(another HAH!). We cried all night. At one point he said I did not deserve this and that I had to promise to him I was going to be happy. "Even without me" he said. Yeah because for him it is easier I make the dirty work of moving on and he cannot make an effort to change and keep me!! DAMN!!
The second discussion was when he started drinking with the roomate, at first I was cool about it, then 3, 4, 5, 6 AM and he was still there, drinking... I got angry and he said that if something bothered me I should say it... he was right.
But then he started saying that he had already written a letter to me, as he knew this was going to be over, that he was going to take "a very lonely path only he understands" (oh yeah) and I said "well.. if you are so sure about it then what are you waiting for with me?" and he said "yes perhaps this is the moment to break up". Wow. By then it was already 8AM so I just went out the place crying, walked and talked to my mom.... that was the day I was moving out with him to this place we had already paid for... of course he woke up as people were coming from his things and he hadn't any cash available so he even had the nerve to ask me for cash... it was very stressful.
Later on he said he did not remember much and that maybe being with me and finding that "unknown" stuff did not have to be separate... I was very angry he could just... change his mind...
The third discussion was when he was extremely drunk after one of his friend's wedding. I had to talk a lot so he could give me the keys so I could drive (not the first time). When we arrived to my place he started babbling and also kind of breaking up with me. Of course we never really talked, just slept and had sex and pretended nothing happened the next day. Next day my mom prepared food for us and he was trembling...
Many times he called me drunk stating how much he loved me, missed me, etc. I wonder why I did not see the signs before? As I also like partying I just thought he was having fun, but did not know the extent of it until I lived together with him.
After going to a therapist I decided to leave. When I arrived I was angry and when I saw him his breath smelled of beer. It was tuesday afternoon. I just got really sad, you know? He was just like "well everything has its time.. you should not depend that much in other people" Wow. He asked for a hug. I walked away.
I think some of you already read my story at another thread..
First of all thank you for being there. This message board rules!!
I wanted to share my story and vent a little. These have been the toughest weeks I have lived and all your words are great support.
I fell in love as I have never before with this guy who was really sweet and loving (HAH!). He was incredible. I lived with my best girlfriend and had a job I liked, although it was very very stressful. Those were simpler, happier times.
This guy got a job opportunity in another city and he asked me if I would follow him.. after a month I got the chance to join the same company, we lived together with another one of his friends. We were very very happy about this chance.
One weekend we went to a beach and got drunk, at night he started making all these unbelievably hurtful comments about things I have shared to him in confidence. I usually never cry infront of anyone, not even him. Well I just started crying right away in disbelief. It came to me as a shock and a surprise that he could be so cruel. There were many times that we shared our hurt and cried and cried hugging each other until dawn.. we were really close. His mother died some years ago (I believe that was the start of his drinking spree) and I have also gone through tough stuff. He was also my best friend, you know.
Of course later he apologized and said he would never do it again(another HAH!). We cried all night. At one point he said I did not deserve this and that I had to promise to him I was going to be happy. "Even without me" he said. Yeah because for him it is easier I make the dirty work of moving on and he cannot make an effort to change and keep me!! DAMN!!
The second discussion was when he started drinking with the roomate, at first I was cool about it, then 3, 4, 5, 6 AM and he was still there, drinking... I got angry and he said that if something bothered me I should say it... he was right.
But then he started saying that he had already written a letter to me, as he knew this was going to be over, that he was going to take "a very lonely path only he understands" (oh yeah) and I said "well.. if you are so sure about it then what are you waiting for with me?" and he said "yes perhaps this is the moment to break up". Wow. By then it was already 8AM so I just went out the place crying, walked and talked to my mom.... that was the day I was moving out with him to this place we had already paid for... of course he woke up as people were coming from his things and he hadn't any cash available so he even had the nerve to ask me for cash... it was very stressful.
Later on he said he did not remember much and that maybe being with me and finding that "unknown" stuff did not have to be separate... I was very angry he could just... change his mind...
The third discussion was when he was extremely drunk after one of his friend's wedding. I had to talk a lot so he could give me the keys so I could drive (not the first time). When we arrived to my place he started babbling and also kind of breaking up with me. Of course we never really talked, just slept and had sex and pretended nothing happened the next day. Next day my mom prepared food for us and he was trembling...
Many times he called me drunk stating how much he loved me, missed me, etc. I wonder why I did not see the signs before? As I also like partying I just thought he was having fun, but did not know the extent of it until I lived together with him.
After going to a therapist I decided to leave. When I arrived I was angry and when I saw him his breath smelled of beer. It was tuesday afternoon. I just got really sad, you know? He was just like "well everything has its time.. you should not depend that much in other people" Wow. He asked for a hug. I walked away.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Continued...
All of the friends we have in common are now his. I gave up talking to them. Many changed their attitude towards me and a few started telling me that he had already been with a number of women, and moved on already... and that this city is full of beautiful girls, like a paradise for all single men... stuff that REALLY hurt as I was extremely vulnerable. Not sure what I was expecting but I decided all these guys are his. I talk only about work with them now. In fact I just go there, do my thing, leave. Once I thought of leaving my job but no one can afford to do that these days. It is a great opportunity for me! A friend of his said I almost never made it to that job, that everyone had to said wonderful things about me but its not really my place. My team lead and boss say I deserve it so, I am just surprised to see everyone as they really are... everyone else is male (I work in IT) so I feel very vulnerable and lonely.
At work he is bathed and well dressed and I am just reminded of the great person I knew. It is very difficult not to yell at him "LET'S JUST STOP THIS $#%$^#$#^@ MADNESS!!"
After an AA meeting (I am not an AA thank God but it was the closest I could get to Al anon) I wrote to him... I said I felt let down and that it hurt to see he was not there for me when I needed him the most and that I was sorry we went through so much stuff.
He has been silent all the way. One day I saw him on his car with a very flirty girl, laughing and so on. He saw me and he was rejoiced I was almost in tears. Of course I took a turn and he HAD to take it as well while the semaphore went red. I was just like "GOD are you kidding me!!". I had to say hi or else it would look worse. I said hi. They just looked down at me, laughed, sped off. Wow!! I am not worried about the girl (pity the soul that has feelings for this alcoholic, no one deserves this f****** hell) but I was also shocked about his attitude towards me... well maybe he felt like a "man".. for once in his life.. I don't know. It has been HORRIBLE just to expect less and less until I do not expect anything, or expect the worse. Weeks ago we were planning our whole life together!! But well better now than later I assume. Sometimes we chat a little, sometimes we ignore each other, sometimes we are hostile. Nothing seems normal or "appropiate". I just try to be civil now and pretend it was all a dream and I just arrived here. Or that I loved his nice twin brother and the one that is there is the drunkard jerk. I am mourning my ex boyfriend as if he was dead. I have broken up with others and it has never been such a heart break / I mean, he prefers A BOTTLE?? What? I will never understand.
Listening to his voice and seeing him everyday in an aggressive atmoshpere has taken a heavy toll in my heart and stomach. I was prescribed antidepressants and they have helped me a great deal to concentrate on my job. I write everything and do some tae bo kicks to get my anger out. I have cried like never before in my life
Whats hurts me the most:
no decent closure
knowing he is trying to forget about me
knowing he's already been with others (I saw it in his eyes... you just KNOW..)
knowing Jack Daniels won over me after A GREAT DEAL was said.. felt.. lived..
his silence and no efforts at all to better the situation
The other day I saw him, very thin, weak, white from all the drinking and I just saw his sad glance and felt very bad for him and for myself.. It is just an overwhelming mix of anger, hate, regret, melancholy...
What I thought about today was that I need to respect him more, his decisions and his mistakes and accept he is a human.. I try to think I was able to break the circle and just hope he has guts to see why this ended and if he wants to continue... deep inside I am just hoping to become this better person and perhaps I can pull him with me so someday we can be together and live our dream together... but well I know this is highly unlikely.
It hurts to see I was part of his life and he is still the same, an alcoholic, in fact he is probably drinking much more now that he is "free".
It hurts not to have changed anything.
But I CHANGED and well that is all that matters at the end right? I am just at a loss and my heart goes to everyone who has loved and lost to a drink.
At work he is bathed and well dressed and I am just reminded of the great person I knew. It is very difficult not to yell at him "LET'S JUST STOP THIS $#%$^#$#^@ MADNESS!!"
After an AA meeting (I am not an AA thank God but it was the closest I could get to Al anon) I wrote to him... I said I felt let down and that it hurt to see he was not there for me when I needed him the most and that I was sorry we went through so much stuff.
He has been silent all the way. One day I saw him on his car with a very flirty girl, laughing and so on. He saw me and he was rejoiced I was almost in tears. Of course I took a turn and he HAD to take it as well while the semaphore went red. I was just like "GOD are you kidding me!!". I had to say hi or else it would look worse. I said hi. They just looked down at me, laughed, sped off. Wow!! I am not worried about the girl (pity the soul that has feelings for this alcoholic, no one deserves this f****** hell) but I was also shocked about his attitude towards me... well maybe he felt like a "man".. for once in his life.. I don't know. It has been HORRIBLE just to expect less and less until I do not expect anything, or expect the worse. Weeks ago we were planning our whole life together!! But well better now than later I assume. Sometimes we chat a little, sometimes we ignore each other, sometimes we are hostile. Nothing seems normal or "appropiate". I just try to be civil now and pretend it was all a dream and I just arrived here. Or that I loved his nice twin brother and the one that is there is the drunkard jerk. I am mourning my ex boyfriend as if he was dead. I have broken up with others and it has never been such a heart break / I mean, he prefers A BOTTLE?? What? I will never understand.
Listening to his voice and seeing him everyday in an aggressive atmoshpere has taken a heavy toll in my heart and stomach. I was prescribed antidepressants and they have helped me a great deal to concentrate on my job. I write everything and do some tae bo kicks to get my anger out. I have cried like never before in my life
Whats hurts me the most:
no decent closure
knowing he is trying to forget about me
knowing he's already been with others (I saw it in his eyes... you just KNOW..)
knowing Jack Daniels won over me after A GREAT DEAL was said.. felt.. lived..
his silence and no efforts at all to better the situation
The other day I saw him, very thin, weak, white from all the drinking and I just saw his sad glance and felt very bad for him and for myself.. It is just an overwhelming mix of anger, hate, regret, melancholy...
What I thought about today was that I need to respect him more, his decisions and his mistakes and accept he is a human.. I try to think I was able to break the circle and just hope he has guts to see why this ended and if he wants to continue... deep inside I am just hoping to become this better person and perhaps I can pull him with me so someday we can be together and live our dream together... but well I know this is highly unlikely.
It hurts to see I was part of his life and he is still the same, an alcoholic, in fact he is probably drinking much more now that he is "free".
It hurts not to have changed anything.
But I CHANGED and well that is all that matters at the end right? I am just at a loss and my heart goes to everyone who has loved and lost to a drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I'm sure a lot of other spouses/SO's will be along to share with you.
You are not alone, I just wanted you to know that. Alcohol can destroy peoples lives and I'm sorry it is taking the man you once knew.
You are not alone, I just wanted you to know that. Alcohol can destroy peoples lives and I'm sorry it is taking the man you once knew.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Reading your story, dreamer, stirred up some of my own pain over the loss of an addict....especially the "no closure" and the "silence". It is so cruel.
What has helped me lately is to see a practicing addict as an Incarnation of Addiction....that he or she actually BECOMES Addiction.
You know how addiction is described as "cunning, baffling and powerful?" That is how I choose now to view a nonrecovering addict. (I purposely use "nonrecovering", because some dry addicts, even those in the program, are nonrecovering in their behaviors).
When i remind myself that the addict is "cunning, baffling and powerful", i realize that i am up against something...someone...who has an inhuman power that will overwhelm me if I do not escape it. To fight it, to try to change it, I have found is doomed to fail.
For me, I have to wrap myself in a blanket of protection. I have to stay away from him at all costs, block out any information about what he is doing, I have to avoid others who are connected to him, and I have to support myself with people in my life I can count on to be sane and to be loving toward me consistently.
This is the only way I have found to get better and to escape a power that, for me, I know will take me down without these measures.
You do not deserve this pain, this assault. But it will be up to you to continue to protect yourself. I hope you will. All the very best to you and to a truly good life with a truly loving man eventually.
What has helped me lately is to see a practicing addict as an Incarnation of Addiction....that he or she actually BECOMES Addiction.
You know how addiction is described as "cunning, baffling and powerful?" That is how I choose now to view a nonrecovering addict. (I purposely use "nonrecovering", because some dry addicts, even those in the program, are nonrecovering in their behaviors).
When i remind myself that the addict is "cunning, baffling and powerful", i realize that i am up against something...someone...who has an inhuman power that will overwhelm me if I do not escape it. To fight it, to try to change it, I have found is doomed to fail.
For me, I have to wrap myself in a blanket of protection. I have to stay away from him at all costs, block out any information about what he is doing, I have to avoid others who are connected to him, and I have to support myself with people in my life I can count on to be sane and to be loving toward me consistently.
This is the only way I have found to get better and to escape a power that, for me, I know will take me down without these measures.
You do not deserve this pain, this assault. But it will be up to you to continue to protect yourself. I hope you will. All the very best to you and to a truly good life with a truly loving man eventually.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Dreamer999 
It hurts not to have changed anything.
I have met many recovering alcoholics, some of them here, who say something along the lines of "my spouse left me and I continued to drink for the next 3 years until I found sobriety."
Never underestimate the power of changing yourself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you all for your replies. They help a great deal.
Right now I am at work as usual hearing him next to me talking to his friends, laughing and sharing all these stories about his trips and parties...
When I am alone I feel I advance 1 step but having him so close at work feels like going back another 5 steps.
I hate to feel we are in this wicked race to demonstrate we are not hurt. But I will just FOCUS on my job. My mind wanders but I need to make the effort.
It is true, I also think more about my ex boyfriends and how everbody contributed a little to the person I am today. I am no catalyst or a saviour of anyone, I cannot even take care of myself. I am trying to understand that.
At least I am not there enabling his way of drinking and thanks to him I got this job, live in a nice city and will NEVER become an alcoholic. I used to be a social drinker but I am having second thoughts about alcohol and drugs in general.
I am trying to think that if you really LOVE someone you give them freedom. To talk or not to talk. To reach out or not... I am trying to be less controlling... I hope this way I will find peace.
Thanks for being out there and listening!!
Right now I am at work as usual hearing him next to me talking to his friends, laughing and sharing all these stories about his trips and parties...
When I am alone I feel I advance 1 step but having him so close at work feels like going back another 5 steps.
I hate to feel we are in this wicked race to demonstrate we are not hurt. But I will just FOCUS on my job. My mind wanders but I need to make the effort.
It is true, I also think more about my ex boyfriends and how everbody contributed a little to the person I am today. I am no catalyst or a saviour of anyone, I cannot even take care of myself. I am trying to understand that.
At least I am not there enabling his way of drinking and thanks to him I got this job, live in a nice city and will NEVER become an alcoholic. I used to be a social drinker but I am having second thoughts about alcohol and drugs in general.
I am trying to think that if you really LOVE someone you give them freedom. To talk or not to talk. To reach out or not... I am trying to be less controlling... I hope this way I will find peace.
Thanks for being out there and listening!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Here, this moment
Posts: 12
I too used to be a social drinker - but I rarely touch the stuff now... Just really turned off by it...
Your comment "I hate to feel we are in this wicked race to demonstrate we are not hurt" - at first this is what I did as well - it was a race, a destination... Finally I just decided to sit with it - feel it, be hurt - learn why I hurt. I was holding onto the "movie" of us I had in my head of how things were suppose to be - damit I was not going to let go. Finally I did, the movie is gone, I see her as she is. Now in place of that movie is a huge amount of opportunities.
"I am trying to think that if you really LOVE someone you give them freedom" perhaps we need to love ourselves and give us the freedom - Free ourselves from their jail that they still inhabit... Free ourselves from the "movie" we star in with them...
We also tend to make up "fictional stories" in our heads about how great their life must be...
2 books that have been life changing for me - "The Power of Now" & "A New Earth"
"Take out the trash"
Your comment "I hate to feel we are in this wicked race to demonstrate we are not hurt" - at first this is what I did as well - it was a race, a destination... Finally I just decided to sit with it - feel it, be hurt - learn why I hurt. I was holding onto the "movie" of us I had in my head of how things were suppose to be - damit I was not going to let go. Finally I did, the movie is gone, I see her as she is. Now in place of that movie is a huge amount of opportunities.
"I am trying to think that if you really LOVE someone you give them freedom" perhaps we need to love ourselves and give us the freedom - Free ourselves from their jail that they still inhabit... Free ourselves from the "movie" we star in with them...
We also tend to make up "fictional stories" in our heads about how great their life must be...
2 books that have been life changing for me - "The Power of Now" & "A New Earth"
"Take out the trash"
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi bornwet
Thank you for your post...
Thats right, a great deal is imaginary.
I already read The Power of Now but will re-read it.
Thank you for the inspiration, I hope I reach the point you are at soon. I will make an effort not to stay so much as the victim of the story but someone that made wrong decisions and is doing better ones.. end of story
Sigh..
Thanks a lot for your support everyone!!
Thank you for your post...
Thats right, a great deal is imaginary.
I already read The Power of Now but will re-read it.
Thank you for the inspiration, I hope I reach the point you are at soon. I will make an effort not to stay so much as the victim of the story but someone that made wrong decisions and is doing better ones.. end of story
Sigh..
Thanks a lot for your support everyone!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I just wanted to say that I just chatted a little with my ex and he seemed unkept... talking about drinks and parties and festivities... I said in an ironic tone "yes, drinks.. what else is there in this life?" and he was like "Oh nothing! hahaah!"
I am glad I am no longer her partner and that I could talk with him in a civil way
And that I can listen to his laughter and no, it doesn't hurt that much anymore.
I now know what to expect from him (very little)
Thanks a lot for your support!
I am glad I am no longer her partner and that I could talk with him in a civil way
And that I can listen to his laughter and no, it doesn't hurt that much anymore.
I now know what to expect from him (very little)
Thanks a lot for your support!
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