Lavender---this one's for you!
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Lavender---this one's for you!
I am dedicating a Thread to Lavender! I think you deserve it, plus I'm getting confused on where I've read something that I wanted to respond to--can't find the post again once I leave it (killed too many brain cells!). So, I'm starting this one for all things Lavender until she gets through this and gets going!!
Also, I wanted to add here something about school. I read in another thread that you were in classes and worried about that and starting subs/detoxing/wd, etc. I didn't get a chance to reply. I want to let you know that I am working on my master's degree. I told myself that I was going to quit using by the time I started classes the end of August, that there was no way I could deal wtih using the way I was and do school (BTW--I'm taking all classes online so not having to go anywhere to go to class). I kept thinking actually I'll have a better time of doing homework because I always get things done when I'm high. But, I knew that wasn't going to be the best way of doing it--I actually had to learn this material--not just 'get through it' and then forget it. I'm an RN now and studying to become a Forensic Nurse Examiner--so this is vital information I'm learning--patient's lives are in my hands!
Well, as best laid plans go, I didn't make it clean and sober. Classes started and I was high as a kite still--actually worse than I'd ever been--that was when I got up to 40 oxys a day. I could get the work done, if I wanted to, but at that point I didn't even have the drive anymore--you know how it goes, the more we do once we get to this awful point it's like we don't get the same effects--what once was a bunch of energy now just makes us irritable, not wanting to do anything except sit at home and take more pills, in your case H. School had only started 1 week before my life fell apart. I was already a week behind because I didn't do any work that first week--I read a little, but didn't do any of the participation online that I was supposed to, and that is 50% of the grade (remember this is a master's program--very accelerated through a top private university). I've always been an over-achiever---I think a lot of addicts are--we are perfectionists, we set high standards, etc., or we also have dual-diagnosis---I'm all 4: overachiever, perfectionist, drug addict, and bipolar. I graduated top of my nursing class from college including with "*** laude" from the university itself (3.75 GPA), I was my nursing class president, I was the most recognized nurse at all of my jobs, etc.
Ok, back to the class portion (sorry got side-tracked though there was a purpose to all that). So here I am a week behind already at the start of my first semester of grad school. At this point I knew I was an addict--had known for months and months. What I didn't know is that I was such an addict I would need detox. Well, during that first week of school, I decided to go see a substance abuse counselor and bam!!!--I'm told I have to go to detox. WTF?? I never knew I'd have to do that! There goes another week of school I was thinking. I had hit rock bottom--the bottom of the pit. I did bring my school books to detox, but what was I thinking--I didn't read a damn thing. The day after I got out my mom came, packed up my house, and within a few days I was down at my parent's house to live until I'm better and can get a new job and actually start life again. You know what though? My parents 'forced' me to keep taking classes. I fought it and fought it--I was now 2 weeks behind. How was I supposed to explain to professors why I wasn't participating like I should? I couldn't tell them I was a drug addict, had just gone through detox, was pretty much dysfunctional, was bipolar, etc--especially as a nurse??? They'd kick me out I was sure of it, and this was not a school I wanted to get kicked out of--very difficult to get in to. Anyway, I thought I couldn't do it--no way in hell. I couldn't walk to the bathroom without crying, how was I supposed to sit in front of my computer and do schoolwork or even try to read a book? My parents continued to push me, though, and they told me I needed something to keep my mind busy--to keep myself busy. I had just moved back home, I wasn't working, I had no friends where I had just moved to (though I had no friends left where I lived either), but I did have my family (brother and sister live down this way as well). So, I unfortuantely had to lie about it, but I did tell my professors that there was a "family member" who we just found out was a drug addict with untreated bipolar, and I had to move home to help the family member as the whole family was pulling together to try to get this person help. Was it really lying--yes, but that isn't the point. Through telling them this, the compassion and the empathy came pouring out. I had told them the whole story except replaced "me" with "family member". They told me to take as much time as I needed to catch up. They did not want me putting a 'hold' on classes. It was that encouragement that kept me going. I know if I had told them it was me, they would be compassionate as well, but it is a little different because I work in the medical arena--we are a little harsher on drug addicts because we work around drugs all the time. So I hope you understand why I couldn't tell them it was me. I thanked my parents a few weeks later for making me stick with it and get things done. I've relapsed a few times now, even though I am on subs, but I've gotten my act together rather quickly each time (relapses only lasted a week or so). Each time it happened, I would get a little behind in school, but once I got my act together, I'd catch right back up. It truly is school that is keeping me going. I am fortunate enough that I do not have to work right now--my parents and unemployment are taking care of that. I'm going to file bankruptcy so that I can get the stress of months and months of unpaid bills off my back (my credit is so shot now that it is better I just do bankruptcy). I didn't pay bills because I needed the money to support my pill use. Are you working? Do you have a job? Can you afford not to work right now? I saw someplace in one of the threads that you had a medical release--how long is that good through? Can you get it renewed? Now, I don't remember your whole family situation--if you're married, have children, have a boyfriend, etc. Do you have things to do during the day to keep yourself busy--in a healthy way?
The point of telling you about me and my schooling is that it can be done if you want to continue going. Like I said it is what has kept me going, but I know I'd go crazy if I wasn't doing it. At times it's like pulling teeth to get me to do anything because I still want my pills to give me the energy, but I felt I've accomplished something each night when I'm done with the reading or watching the required videos. If you need to take the time off to take care of yourself--DO IT! If you think that you'll go crazy not having something to do, then stay in school after you start the subs and/or stop using and just get it done! It is possible--I'm living proof of that. All of our circumstances are different. For me I'm able to focus just on school--not children, not work, etc....just school. You can do it if you want to, but if you feel you can't, use that medical release to its fullest.
The whole point of this entirely long post is that do what you need to do to help yourself stay clean after you quit using--if it's school great, if not, then put school on hold-it isn't going anywhere. My professors, though they urged me to keep going, would have put me on hold as well if I wanted it--I could've started in January they said, but they said I needed something to keep me busy and school is that thing for me. I just wanted you to hear from someone who is taking classes right now and understands your fears and concerns about that. For some they can still do it right now, for others they cannot--it's all what you can handle. Others have said school can wait--it can!! It will be there when you're ready for it! If it will keep you busy and keep your mind off of using, then try to continue. Either way, take care of yourself first!
Ok, I'm done here!!
We love you Lav and just want what's best for you!
Sunflower
Also, I wanted to add here something about school. I read in another thread that you were in classes and worried about that and starting subs/detoxing/wd, etc. I didn't get a chance to reply. I want to let you know that I am working on my master's degree. I told myself that I was going to quit using by the time I started classes the end of August, that there was no way I could deal wtih using the way I was and do school (BTW--I'm taking all classes online so not having to go anywhere to go to class). I kept thinking actually I'll have a better time of doing homework because I always get things done when I'm high. But, I knew that wasn't going to be the best way of doing it--I actually had to learn this material--not just 'get through it' and then forget it. I'm an RN now and studying to become a Forensic Nurse Examiner--so this is vital information I'm learning--patient's lives are in my hands!
Well, as best laid plans go, I didn't make it clean and sober. Classes started and I was high as a kite still--actually worse than I'd ever been--that was when I got up to 40 oxys a day. I could get the work done, if I wanted to, but at that point I didn't even have the drive anymore--you know how it goes, the more we do once we get to this awful point it's like we don't get the same effects--what once was a bunch of energy now just makes us irritable, not wanting to do anything except sit at home and take more pills, in your case H. School had only started 1 week before my life fell apart. I was already a week behind because I didn't do any work that first week--I read a little, but didn't do any of the participation online that I was supposed to, and that is 50% of the grade (remember this is a master's program--very accelerated through a top private university). I've always been an over-achiever---I think a lot of addicts are--we are perfectionists, we set high standards, etc., or we also have dual-diagnosis---I'm all 4: overachiever, perfectionist, drug addict, and bipolar. I graduated top of my nursing class from college including with "*** laude" from the university itself (3.75 GPA), I was my nursing class president, I was the most recognized nurse at all of my jobs, etc.
Ok, back to the class portion (sorry got side-tracked though there was a purpose to all that). So here I am a week behind already at the start of my first semester of grad school. At this point I knew I was an addict--had known for months and months. What I didn't know is that I was such an addict I would need detox. Well, during that first week of school, I decided to go see a substance abuse counselor and bam!!!--I'm told I have to go to detox. WTF?? I never knew I'd have to do that! There goes another week of school I was thinking. I had hit rock bottom--the bottom of the pit. I did bring my school books to detox, but what was I thinking--I didn't read a damn thing. The day after I got out my mom came, packed up my house, and within a few days I was down at my parent's house to live until I'm better and can get a new job and actually start life again. You know what though? My parents 'forced' me to keep taking classes. I fought it and fought it--I was now 2 weeks behind. How was I supposed to explain to professors why I wasn't participating like I should? I couldn't tell them I was a drug addict, had just gone through detox, was pretty much dysfunctional, was bipolar, etc--especially as a nurse??? They'd kick me out I was sure of it, and this was not a school I wanted to get kicked out of--very difficult to get in to. Anyway, I thought I couldn't do it--no way in hell. I couldn't walk to the bathroom without crying, how was I supposed to sit in front of my computer and do schoolwork or even try to read a book? My parents continued to push me, though, and they told me I needed something to keep my mind busy--to keep myself busy. I had just moved back home, I wasn't working, I had no friends where I had just moved to (though I had no friends left where I lived either), but I did have my family (brother and sister live down this way as well). So, I unfortuantely had to lie about it, but I did tell my professors that there was a "family member" who we just found out was a drug addict with untreated bipolar, and I had to move home to help the family member as the whole family was pulling together to try to get this person help. Was it really lying--yes, but that isn't the point. Through telling them this, the compassion and the empathy came pouring out. I had told them the whole story except replaced "me" with "family member". They told me to take as much time as I needed to catch up. They did not want me putting a 'hold' on classes. It was that encouragement that kept me going. I know if I had told them it was me, they would be compassionate as well, but it is a little different because I work in the medical arena--we are a little harsher on drug addicts because we work around drugs all the time. So I hope you understand why I couldn't tell them it was me. I thanked my parents a few weeks later for making me stick with it and get things done. I've relapsed a few times now, even though I am on subs, but I've gotten my act together rather quickly each time (relapses only lasted a week or so). Each time it happened, I would get a little behind in school, but once I got my act together, I'd catch right back up. It truly is school that is keeping me going. I am fortunate enough that I do not have to work right now--my parents and unemployment are taking care of that. I'm going to file bankruptcy so that I can get the stress of months and months of unpaid bills off my back (my credit is so shot now that it is better I just do bankruptcy). I didn't pay bills because I needed the money to support my pill use. Are you working? Do you have a job? Can you afford not to work right now? I saw someplace in one of the threads that you had a medical release--how long is that good through? Can you get it renewed? Now, I don't remember your whole family situation--if you're married, have children, have a boyfriend, etc. Do you have things to do during the day to keep yourself busy--in a healthy way?
The point of telling you about me and my schooling is that it can be done if you want to continue going. Like I said it is what has kept me going, but I know I'd go crazy if I wasn't doing it. At times it's like pulling teeth to get me to do anything because I still want my pills to give me the energy, but I felt I've accomplished something each night when I'm done with the reading or watching the required videos. If you need to take the time off to take care of yourself--DO IT! If you think that you'll go crazy not having something to do, then stay in school after you start the subs and/or stop using and just get it done! It is possible--I'm living proof of that. All of our circumstances are different. For me I'm able to focus just on school--not children, not work, etc....just school. You can do it if you want to, but if you feel you can't, use that medical release to its fullest.
The whole point of this entirely long post is that do what you need to do to help yourself stay clean after you quit using--if it's school great, if not, then put school on hold-it isn't going anywhere. My professors, though they urged me to keep going, would have put me on hold as well if I wanted it--I could've started in January they said, but they said I needed something to keep me busy and school is that thing for me. I just wanted you to hear from someone who is taking classes right now and understands your fears and concerns about that. For some they can still do it right now, for others they cannot--it's all what you can handle. Others have said school can wait--it can!! It will be there when you're ready for it! If it will keep you busy and keep your mind off of using, then try to continue. Either way, take care of yourself first!
Ok, I'm done here!!
We love you Lav and just want what's best for you!
Sunflower
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