lagrutke

My 18 yo AS went through a 28 day rehab and returned home 2 weeks ago. Within a week of returning home, he was using again. One of our boundaries was that if he was using, he could not live at home. He left, with his car, not much money, no job, no clothes, etc. He has been staying with a friend of his (I think his drug dealer). We turned off his cell phone the day after he left. He has come home 1 time in the last week to get a change of clothes.

Tonight, we receive a call from my AS best friend's parents. His best friend has been out of town for the past 5 weeks just as my AS was going into rehab. This friend was doing drugs with my son prior to his leaving town 5 weeks ago. This friend is back in town today. Tonight, he tells his parents that my AS is now dealing drugs to make money. This has just happened in this last week after we made him leave.

I am completely devastated. I don't know what to do. I can't believe my baby boy is doing this.

Tomorrow morning we plan to go over to where he is staying and retrieve his car. The car is also in my name, so I can legally take it. We are then going to dismantle it so it cannot be driven. This should at least make it more difficult for him.

I have written my AS a letter that I plan to drop off when we get the car. Basically, I tell him how much his father and I love him and that we would like him to come home and choose recovery. I then tell him that we have heard he is dealing drugs from his best friend so we have taken the car. Again, I tell him how much we love him. I then point out that dealing drugs is a felony. We, along with his best friend's parents, plan to go talk to the parent of the boy my son is staying with. He lives with just his dad. We plan on telling him what is going on. All these boys are just 18 yo. I then tell him again how much we love him and that he needs to make his own decisions, but they need to be legal ones.

Has anyone else been through this and could you please give me some advice?

Help!

Kathy

marle

My daughter has never dealt drugs but she was really deep into her using. When they are active in their addiction, they will do anything to get their drugs. My daughter lived with her supplier, a man 17 years her senior and a real creepy looking character. They were evicted from two houses and then lived in various places including crack motels. She has done and seen some really horrible things. All of my warnings to her had been for naught. When they are using, they do not think about things like felonies. They have one goal in life and that is to use. Consequences be damned. Take the car since it is in your name, tell him that you love him and hope that someday he seeks recovery. Leave it at that. He won't hear the rest of the message anyway. And he will find a way to continue dealing if that is what he needs to do to support his habit. They look at it as survival. One thing that I had to wrap my mind around is that what my daughter was doing was not personal. She did it because she has the disease of addiction. It helped me to let go of her and to set boundaries to protect myself, not to try to change her. Prayers for your son and hugs for you, Marle

Freedom1990

I agree with Marle. Let him know you love him and that you hope he seeks recovery, and leave it at that.

My 30 year old has been doing the same old same old for 15 years now. I've been through the whole gamut-pleading, begging, threatening, trying to control, etc etc etc.

I finally found peace of mind when I truly turned her over to God and now have faith that he has a plan for her that I will not interfere with in any way.

greeteachday

I think you have made some wise choices for you and your son by not allowing him to stay with you if he was using. I also think it is a wise choice to take the car since it is in your name. I know that when my daughter was using she could not hear my words of love and that I would support her if she chose recovery, but once she did choose it, she told me that this was something that she clung to.

As to anything else you want to say in your letter, I have found it helps me to look at my motivation. If I am expressing a thought because I need to in order to move forward, I'm okay with that. If it is done to try to control the situation or to create expectations of what will happen next, I have to rethink it.

Given the young age, I can understand why you feel a need to make sure that your son knows that you do not condone what he is doing. I also can understand wanting to be sure the "friend's" family knows that drugs may be being sold right out of the house. (certainly the dad could be in legal trouble if that is the case and he is unaware) I guess I would just caution not to get your hopes up that anything you do will change what your son is doing. It all goes back to the 3 C's - we didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.
Do you have any Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area? I found they were so helpful to me as I struggled with a child in active addiction. Hugs.

winnie12

My AS is a bit younger but he was dealing. I turned him in to his PO. It was actually better for it to come out this way then for him to be busted red handed. If he was caught and charged with the actual crime then he would have done time for that instead of the two week jail term he got. His PO actually knew before I told him. I told because I couldnt have that going on in my home - i have another young child and dont want her around that.

I know i cant stop him from dealing anymore than i can stop him from using. But i wont help him in this. I think that living in your home, use of a car, etc were all priviledges so taking them away is completely warranted. I would be hesitant about interfering with the members of the household where he is currently living. That could cause him to hit the streets or end up somewhere that you cant find him. If you try to control that situation it could backfire into a worse situation that would cause you even more worry.

I learned a while back not to explain myself to my AS. he doesnt care and just uses it against me. I agree with the rest, take back the car - tell him you love him and leave it at that.

splendra

(((((Kathy))))

You are doing what is right for you and him. I know your heart must be broken. I hope you can be strong and keep doing what you are doing.

Troubledone

I have a huge amount of experince with this.

My niece was convicted of both first and second degree possession because she was dealing.

Before I get into the story, I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. If he was a stranger and this was your car, you'd take it back without a thought. I found it important to ask myself, what would I do if my niece were "normal".

My heart goes out to you becuase I know how incredibly terrifying it can be.

Chronologically, here is a short history - then I'll tell you what I think I learned.

She started dealing after we did an intervention. We had a professional interventionist and we were prepared to pay for the full deal at Hazelden, but she chose to leave our house rather than get clean. She got pregnant two weeks later and we said we'll help you with this if you go to treatment but she refused, left, got an abortion and kept using and started selling drugs.

In the time between this part of history and today, we have repeatedly offered treatment. She used, sold, has gotten beaten up, had an attempt on her life (she got sideways with her supplier and he took out a contract on her life - praise God, she was spared and the 3 men are in jail - drug addicts don't make good criminals).

She has had as many as 5 cars that I know of impounded and subesequently lost. She has lived in squalor and has lived with a host of bizzare and dysfunctional people. I have gotten calls to take her to emergency where she was treated and then returned to using.

When she was first sentenced, she got probation and during the year after she was realeased from her first time at the workhouse, she completely fooled me and her p.o. - she was using and dealing the whole time again - even with 12 years in prison looming over her head.

She is back in jail now becuase she evaded an officer when she was driving through a restricted area. It was me who called the po and got her arrested again because I found out that detectives had been tailing her (they even told me they planned to raid our house even though she doesn't live her anymore - it is still her mailing address). She came home in a stupor saying that she would get out of this charge by helping the detectives bust other drug dealers (a good way to get killed). In the process she lost another car because when you do this, the car is forfeit to the police.

She got leniency, she is still technically on probation but she is doing 7 months in the workhouse, will do treatment again and then the p.o. will work with her in terms of a halfway house. She is still not accepting that she did anything wrong - she says she didn't get justice even though she admits to dealing drugs. This is the insanity of addiction.

Before I tell you what I learned, not all addicts go throught this kind of journey. Some go to jail once and that's enough. My niece is too smart for her own good (graduated with honors from college with a major in psychology and social science) - this and her ability to speak spanish just make dealing too easy and the money is big.

What I've learned.

1. There is absolutely no way I can control my niece. She will find a way if she wants to do drugs, even if it threatens her life. She even found a way to fool the system - she was dropping UA's several times a week and still smoked meth because she figured out how long it would take for the drugs to leave her system and how to fool the UA.

2. The legal and social services systems are your friend. Things got better for me when I called the cops at any sign of weirdness. I have been responsible for her getting picked up each time she landed in front of the judge - and guess what - she still calls me when she's sad or confused.

3. Jail is wonderful - I can rest easy knowing she's fed, safe and not using. And in our state, she has access to mental health care, bible study, twelve step groups and they do a lot of education in jail. I would be happy if she was there a lot longer.

4. If your son has a p.o. or if he gets one at some point - cultivate a rational and positive relationship with this person - they have a huge amount of power with the judge and you can get information that you can't get any other way from them. They can't divulge some information but they can tell you a lot. My niece's po is responsible for her getting treatment again and attention from the psychiastrist.

5. This is a LONG journey. The only way you'll survive is to learn how to let go and take care of yourself. It is possible to still have joy in your life while this is going on and it is critical that you find a way to do that. I started mentoring an 7 year old little girl and while I am with her, I don't think about my niece. You can rely on your HP and his HP. I had to realize that she may even get herself killed, and I had to prepare myself for that so that I could let go.

6. Pray pray pray

I hope and pray that your son does not take the path my niece did. I can tell you that if I had to do it over again, I wish I could have done two things simultaneously - 1. I'd be less supportive while she was using and 2. I wish I could have loved her more - I think I've learned the idea of letting go with love to some degree and still know I have more to learn.

I know that they have to figure it out themselves and no amount of my talking makes a bit of difference. It is thier willingness to learn from their mistakes that makes a difference.

Prayers for you on this very hard journey.

baxter

Hugs. I agree with the others. He won't hear a word you're saying until he decides it's what he wants to do. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Impurrfect

(((Latgrutke)))

When I was active in my crack addiction, most of the boys I bought the crack from were your sons age. Unlike your son, they were raised in that environment, but it's the lure of easy money. Unfortunately, it's not unheard of to make $500-$1000 a day for some of them. Compare this to working for minimum wage.

That doesn't make it right, and I know that, I just want to explain the lure of selling drugs. Of course, the ones who are also USING the drugs just barely make enough to supply their own habit, and depending on the drug, some just end up more in debt and in trouble with their dealer.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're getting the car back. I just know, all the boys who did it wouldn't listen to ANYONE about not doing it. I still talk to one, he's very proud of me being clean and moving on with my life, occasionally says "man, I need to do what YOU'RE doing and get out of this crap" but he keeps on doing it. The money from drugs, and the lifestyle, are addictions, just as the drugs are. It's not hopeless, but it takes work to get out of it, and he has to want it.

Hugs and prayers to you and your son!

Amy

cassandra2

My exabf is currently in an outpatient rehab for his oxy and perc addiction. On Friday I found out he called his docs office for his monthly script of oxy!!!!!

He moved in with his sister and promised to pay half of the bills there. He has NO job. The lure of selling his pills is too great. He is actually participating in rehab and still thinking like a drug addict. What sense does that make? NONE.

I feel for you in your situation because its hard to even begin to understand that kind of thinking. Most of us get up everyday and go to work to pay our bills. Drug addicts cant begin to do that but they can decide that its easier to sell then to do what we do everyday.

I spoke to the docs office and told them the truth. Will that stop them from writing another script? I can only hope so but if not we here all know that the next stop for addicts/dealers is jail. I have done my part and so have you but just as I said before the lure of the easy money is just to great. If they arent in jail they will find a way.

katie44

Very painful to have a child addicted to drugs. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will change things. This is his journey, unfortunately until he is truly ready for help nothing will change. AS is 21 started using at 16 we did everything we could think of to try to get him to stop. Only until the last year did I finally wake up and realize that he must hit bottom until he comes back to the top. As for dealing very true its easy money for them. I'm sorry you have to go through this hugs and prayers.

caileesnana

Nothing to add to the above except I have been where you are and done the same things.

Keep doing what you're doing, it might save his life and I know it will save your sanity!!!

praying for you and your son
susan

dogged

i would defiantley take the car because since its in your name you can be held responsible for any damage he may do with the car, or if he was to hit someone while high?? , i would get your name off of that car as soon as possible, or take the vehicle to where he has no access to it,, he will be able to find someone who can fix the car if you mess with it, so i would take it away from his posession