Wow is Divorcing an A Hard!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Wow is Divorcing an A Hard!
My AW and I had our first Mediation appointment today. After 5 years of struggle I decided I can't save myself and save my marriage. She cried the whole time. It is so hard to fight the codependency. I feel like a sh*t when I look at her but after so many promises broken, family dysfunction, failed inpatient and outpatient events, trips to the ER to detox.....I'm done. Let me tell you, financially divorce is a loser...but a friend that has been through this once told me "who says money can't but happiness when your in a loveless and trustless marriage". She was so true. I know I'll struggle with the alimony and new singlehood, but I will persevere.
What I will have to work hard on is the feeling that I have abandoned her.....I know, it is irrational considering that she is the one that has abandoned herself and me and the boys. That is what makes US, the family, so sick in all this.
Is she sad for herself? Is she sad because of what she is losing? Or is she sad that she can't keep me from doing what I'm doing? Is she sad because she has lost the last bit of control over me?
The mediator told us that divorce is the second most painful experience that someone experiences just behind losing a loved one. He said it right after my AW told him she was an alcoholic that just relapsed. Not sure where he was going with that....
I'm down right now....it is a loss for me as well....but I am also a bit excited to start fresh and find the happy me I once was. My kids, 18 and 15, are passing through the stages of emotions but this is hard on them as well. I only hope I haven't waited too long to do this.
Well, just needed to blog....thanks for listening.
What I will have to work hard on is the feeling that I have abandoned her.....I know, it is irrational considering that she is the one that has abandoned herself and me and the boys. That is what makes US, the family, so sick in all this.
Is she sad for herself? Is she sad because of what she is losing? Or is she sad that she can't keep me from doing what I'm doing? Is she sad because she has lost the last bit of control over me?
The mediator told us that divorce is the second most painful experience that someone experiences just behind losing a loved one. He said it right after my AW told him she was an alcoholic that just relapsed. Not sure where he was going with that....
I'm down right now....it is a loss for me as well....but I am also a bit excited to start fresh and find the happy me I once was. My kids, 18 and 15, are passing through the stages of emotions but this is hard on them as well. I only hope I haven't waited too long to do this.
Well, just needed to blog....thanks for listening.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I am so sorry for you. Divorce is never a happy experience but it sounds like you have a very healthy attitude about it. I wish you the very best as you embark on your new life!
I am a recovering alcoholic wife and it is good to be reminded that I have to earn this wonderful family. Every day sober is a gift.
I am a recovering alcoholic wife and it is good to be reminded that I have to earn this wonderful family. Every day sober is a gift.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by DII 
She cried the whole time.
What I will have to work hard on is the feeling that I have abandoned her.....I know, it is irrational considering that she is the one that has abandoned herself and me and the boys. That is what makes US, the family, so sick in all this.
Is she sad for herself? Is she sad because of what she is losing? Or is she sad that she can't keep me from doing what I'm doing? Is she sad because she has lost the last bit of control over me?
The mediator told us that divorce is the second most painful experience that someone experiences just behind losing a loved one. He said it right after my AW told him she was an alcoholic that just relapsed. Not sure where he was going with that....
I'm down right now....it is a loss for me as well....but I am also a bit excited to start fresh and find the happy me I once was.
Well, just needed to blog....thanks for listening.
What I will have to work hard on is the feeling that I have abandoned her.....I know, it is irrational considering that she is the one that has abandoned herself and me and the boys. That is what makes US, the family, so sick in all this.
Is she sad for herself? Is she sad because of what she is losing? Or is she sad that she can't keep me from doing what I'm doing? Is she sad because she has lost the last bit of control over me?
The mediator told us that divorce is the second most painful experience that someone experiences just behind losing a loved one. He said it right after my AW told him she was an alcoholic that just relapsed. Not sure where he was going with that....
I'm down right now....it is a loss for me as well....but I am also a bit excited to start fresh and find the happy me I once was.
Well, just needed to blog....thanks for listening.
it got better for me...a lot better...I had to jump into my own recovery...and the break up absolutely broke my heart but I had given it my best shot, until I didn't have any shots left and we were just both crazy and suffering together, the key for me was literally immersing myself into my own recovery afterward. In the past I have been "stuck" in "mourning mode" for years, this time I took serious proactive action, it seemed to facilitate the process immensely and within a short period of time people began appearing in my life that were all suffering with bits of "my experience" which, by helping them, gave me insight and forgiveness into that "bit" and after enough "bits" healed I literally felt as if the sunlight of the spirit reappeared after many years of "living in the darkness and insanity".
My heart goes out to you....I truly understand about her saying you "abandoned" her, I heard that as well...and like you,..it broke my heart...the truth is....no...she abandoned the relationship by taking the actions she took, I just tore off the band aid and made the decision to move towards health.
Personally, for me, I think me leaving was healthier for both of us, the only thing I abandoned her to was herself and her own devices, as long as I stayed she never had to look at herself and her own behaviors, so personally I think I did us both a big favor.
I know I feel better...a lot better...and...the last few weeks I have felt the strangest sensation in my stomach, getting stronger and stronger....it took about 4 or 5 days before I realized that strange feeling was inner happiness...truly...it felt strange and I didn't even recognize it it had been so long...
OK...off to sleep, I haven't really slept in like 3 days...little fuzzy...bed is good....I hope I made sense
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
DII -
I am nearing the end of the divorce process - -and it is been a LONG and PAINFUL road. My A is my husband so it is a bit different, but I imagine also very much the same. I have come to accept the divorce as necessary. I am glad I got out before I "hated" him; but I my "loving" feelings had evaporated. That seemed to help me avoid the feeling like I had abandoned him. For the months before I left I was clear to him that unless things changed -- I was leaving. Things didn't change, so I left. It hurt that he seemed to choose alcohol over keeping our family together. I understand it is the nature of the disease and try not to take it personally. It's been a year since I left and we just now finished the mediation process and have come to a financial agreement. It has been hard to grieve the loss of the life I thought I would have, and for all of our work and dreams to be ending this way.
It helps to know that divorce is the second most painful experience of life. Anyone considering it should not under any circumstances underestimate the pain!! It's been a year, and just now I am starting to wake up without a cloud over my head and a pit in my stomach. Thanks to everyone on here, everytime they encouraged me or others that it does get better. I hung on to that promise for dear life because without it I had no hope.
I am nearing the end of the divorce process - -and it is been a LONG and PAINFUL road. My A is my husband so it is a bit different, but I imagine also very much the same. I have come to accept the divorce as necessary. I am glad I got out before I "hated" him; but I my "loving" feelings had evaporated. That seemed to help me avoid the feeling like I had abandoned him. For the months before I left I was clear to him that unless things changed -- I was leaving. Things didn't change, so I left. It hurt that he seemed to choose alcohol over keeping our family together. I understand it is the nature of the disease and try not to take it personally. It's been a year since I left and we just now finished the mediation process and have come to a financial agreement. It has been hard to grieve the loss of the life I thought I would have, and for all of our work and dreams to be ending this way.
It helps to know that divorce is the second most painful experience of life. Anyone considering it should not under any circumstances underestimate the pain!! It's been a year, and just now I am starting to wake up without a cloud over my head and a pit in my stomach. Thanks to everyone on here, everytime they encouraged me or others that it does get better. I hung on to that promise for dear life because without it I had no hope.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
xAH was sad, too, until into it all he realized I was going to demand my share, then he got angry.
Today's reading in Courage to Change was all about finding the humor in situations. On the suggestion of a fellow Al-Anoner, in the darkest days of my divorce I would watch or listen to comedy. I'm also blessed to have some very, very funny friends. I almost always felt better after a good laugh. It put me in a better frame of mind - many times it helped me see the absurdity in the system.
Hang in there!
Today's reading in Courage to Change was all about finding the humor in situations. On the suggestion of a fellow Al-Anoner, in the darkest days of my divorce I would watch or listen to comedy. I'm also blessed to have some very, very funny friends. I almost always felt better after a good laugh. It put me in a better frame of mind - many times it helped me see the absurdity in the system.
Hang in there!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I've never gone through a divorce, but I've endured the end of a 22-year-long relationship and ultimately the death of my boyfriend from alcoholism. For me, the end of my relationship with him was more painful than his death.
The end of my relationship meant the end of the fantasy world I'd created in my mind and Richard's death meant the end of his suffering. And he did suffer so. Alcoholism in a slow, painful death.
When he died, my initial reaction was a mixture of sadness and relief. Relief that his suffering was finally over and I no longer had to watch him slowly slipping away. And sadness for Richard, who died much too young and was so lost for so long.
It's been three years since I ended our relationship and a little more than a year since his death. It takes a long time for a broken heart to heal. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and peace and happiness are waiting for you on the other side.
Today I'm happy and I'm at peace. I know that ending my relationship was the right choice for me.
The end of my relationship meant the end of the fantasy world I'd created in my mind and Richard's death meant the end of his suffering. And he did suffer so. Alcoholism in a slow, painful death.
When he died, my initial reaction was a mixture of sadness and relief. Relief that his suffering was finally over and I no longer had to watch him slowly slipping away. And sadness for Richard, who died much too young and was so lost for so long.
It's been three years since I ended our relationship and a little more than a year since his death. It takes a long time for a broken heart to heal. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and peace and happiness are waiting for you on the other side.
Today I'm happy and I'm at peace. I know that ending my relationship was the right choice for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
One of the friends I had dinner with tonight is a hypnotherapist. She said being in a relationship with an alcoholic is one of the most painful, confusing and difficult things a person can experience. She says this from both professional and personal experience. A divorce, although likely the most healthy option, is also one of the most painful experiences one can have. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
I'm only separated at this point, but will likely start the filing process in the coming months. This has definitely been the toughest thing I've encountered in life so far.
I'm only separated at this point, but will likely start the filing process in the coming months. This has definitely been the toughest thing I've encountered in life so far.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 46
I agree with all of you. I've had 4 months of hell. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel, and hope that there's a new life for me, that will be better than the one I've left behind.
I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy...
I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy...
Raised from the Dead
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
this thread has been really important to me right now. my fiance relapsed for the 4th time in 4 months tonight. fortunately in preemptive move i had gotten my own studio apartment. so i am here now. no furniture, tv, or anything except a futon and a laptop. its hurts. she keeps choosing alcohol over me. but i have to no choice but to move on. even though we arent married we do have some legal issues to sort out (we took out a personal loan to finance her ring). it might get ugly. this really sucks...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
I also agree with all of you and feel so grateful to have found this thread. I have not gone through a divorce but after a 16 year relationship, we just separated 5 months ago. It really helps to hear that this is considered the second most painful experience because it's certainly been agonizing. Though the pain isn't as severe as it was, it comes in waves. Even though I initiated the separation, I didn't expect him to leave because we'd talked about going apart many, many times and yet neither of us had the courage to go through with it. And so now I also suffer from the regret and guilt of having started this process because I didn't really want him to leave. I really wanted him to get sober.
But I just couldn't take the disappointment, loneliness and constant rejection of living with an A anymore. There is nothing worse than the loneliness you feel when you are living with someone who chooses the bottle over you. This has truly been the most painful thing I have ever gone through, except for the death of my mother. However, there are days now when I feel hopeful and I feel joy so I know there is an end in sight and that's encouraging.
I'm so grateful to those of you who are sharing your experience because it's so comforting to know we're not walking this road alone.
But I just couldn't take the disappointment, loneliness and constant rejection of living with an A anymore. There is nothing worse than the loneliness you feel when you are living with someone who chooses the bottle over you. This has truly been the most painful thing I have ever gone through, except for the death of my mother. However, there are days now when I feel hopeful and I feel joy so I know there is an end in sight and that's encouraging.
I'm so grateful to those of you who are sharing your experience because it's so comforting to know we're not walking this road alone.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by prairiegirl
I didn't expect him to leave because we'd talked about going apart many, many times and yet neither of us had the courage to go through with it. And so now I also suffer from the regret and guilt of having started this process because I didn't really want him to leave. I really wanted him to get sober.
Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug3
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
Me, too.
I didn't expect the divorce itself to hit so hard, because we had a long and cooperative (even caring, I'd say) separation.
But the legal finality to a love relationship is so overwhelmingly sad, even knowing the chaos that alchoholism brought.
But the legal finality to a love relationship is so overwhelmingly sad, even knowing the chaos that alchoholism brought.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I was divorced after 17years together, my world as I knew collapsed. I had a very hard time for a long time.
I stayed single 13 years.
Now my 2nd husband phoned me one morning to say he was leaving. I was a bit more prepared this time. I have whole new plans ahead of me that I am working on implementing....and while I do love and care about him, frankly I don't miss him being here.
Divorce is inevitable..just don't know when. THIS time I will make sure I get my fair share and he isn't going to like it.
I feel sorry for him, he has made bad choices for about a year now and has lost a good wife.
Thanks for each post above, they are all so helpful.
I stayed single 13 years.
Now my 2nd husband phoned me one morning to say he was leaving. I was a bit more prepared this time. I have whole new plans ahead of me that I am working on implementing....and while I do love and care about him, frankly I don't miss him being here.
Divorce is inevitable..just don't know when. THIS time I will make sure I get my fair share and he isn't going to like it.
I feel sorry for him, he has made bad choices for about a year now and has lost a good wife.
Thanks for each post above, they are all so helpful.
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