Bamboozle

I don’t like doing this but I felt like I had to put my whininess out here. I would have put it in Whiners Anonymous, but it’s a little too long (besides, I like using WA for more humorous complaints).


It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.

I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.

I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.

I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.

This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.

Boleo

I was uncomfortable in my own skin before I started drinking and went back to being uncomfortable in my own skin when I stopped drinking. Alcohol was my solution for 30 years before it failed to give me the comfort that I was looking for.

I now use the spiritual tools that I learned from the 12 steps to stay comfortable. It is as simple as karma:

Humility returns insight (clear thinking)

Serenity returns hope (optimism)

Benevolence returns fulfillment (sense of purpose)

Toomutch

Wow Bam - that was powerful!

I understand what you are going through as my emotions are all over the place as well. Those days that the motivation is there and then the days that it's not.

You mention that you are lonely and are craving some f2f conversation. Do you go to AA, a therapist, or even a relative nearby that you could talk to.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself tonight and not leaving the house. :ghug3

Anna

Ya know Bamboozle, this could be a lot more simple than you think it is. When I was drinking, I thought I was living my life and I wasn't. I was stuck in a job I didn't like and was overwhelmed by the demands my family was putting on me and I couldn't figure a way out. And, so, I kept drinking. If you stop drinking and begin to recover, you really will find that everything makes so much more sense. You'll have the energy to find the job you want and good people will come into your life.

Know that you can have the life that you want!

Pam08

I can relate to the feeling you have, for me it is depression, alcoholism, discontentment with my life, marriage, loneliness, etc etc. I knew that something had to change in my life and my drinking was getting so bad that I knew if I didn't do something about it I was not going to have a life period. I detoxed, got medication to help with my depression, got a therapist to talk with one on one, went to group rehab. for a few weeks..most importantly I found AA. My head is getting clearer. I have my down times as I am early in recovery and am living in a marriage that very well will not make it, but I am feeling better over all..I hope you keep blogging here . AA ,a doctor, and or therapist can be a start to a happier life. good luck, keep posting..

Dee74

I really agree with Anna Bam - if you want change to happen - if you want to be somewhere different, the first step is to stop poisoning yourself.

It's not easy, but it is simple - and we're here to help...

Drinking robs you of clarity of motivation, of self esteem, of optimism...

stop doing it and an amazing amount of other stuff falls into place...eventually.

be patient
D

adore79

Hi Bam, I relate to so much you said, all I can say is cut out the booze, it has helped me and it seemed like you were happier when you were posting here after having some sober time. Big hugs.

Fulldresser4

One thing I heard at the tables that I try to remember....
Action before motivation.

Bamboozle

Thanks, everyone. I guess I was feeling pretty crappy last night. I'm not bouncing off the walls, but I'm doing better today (at least emotionally ).


No groups, no therapist (yet) and my family is great and all, but no interesting conversations. I guess I just miss having good friends. The kind I can talk to about all kinds of things, especially neat stuff like the endless possibilities of the how’s and why’s of the Universe. Nothing in-depth with mathematics (I'm too stupid for that). I approached the subject (and others like it) from a purely speculative and imaginative/creative standpoint. That was always a fun distraction. Nothing worrisome about life in that. It's pure wonderment and amazement...like seeing a brilliant sunset in your mind. That reminds me...

...Someday I'd like to see the Northern Lights in person. It's on my "to do" list. Hopefully I can and if I do I’ll have a fantastic camera (probably expensive) to photograph it with. I would make a road trip for that alone. Peace, people.