lovesmenot74

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. Nothing I try is making me feel any better. I'm going through the motions, trying to take care of myself, and still, I feel so much pain and heartache I can barely stand it.

I just cannot even believe that I'm here alone, and he's off somewhere with a new girlfriend and surely partying it up and making like I was the whole problem.

It's just not fair. I'm so devastated and I hurt so bad. I'm so afraid I'm going to feel like this for a long, long time ... and that the emotional scars from this are going to haunt me forever.

I know I cannot take him back and I cannot seem to move forward in a positive way ... so I'm stuck here in this horrible limbo and I just can't take much more of this. People keep trying to point out little things that they say show that I'm getting better (like i'm not crying ALL day, just a few hours a day) but quite honestly, I feel WORSE. I think I'm actually just covering up my pain better because people expect that I should be feeling better by now.

I'm so angry with myself for hurting so much over someone who has chosen EVERYTHING over me. Someone who LIED and told me he would never leave me, never betray me, never hurt me ... and who did all of those things and more. I'm so confused about how he could say things that clearly he didn't mean ... when I told him I loved him I meant it ... and I'm here trying to figure out how to unlove someone who logically, I KNOW doesn't deserve my love, or my tears, or my thoughts ... but I just feel so sad, hurt, betrayed, humiliated, abandoned ...

I read posts of people who are still affected years down the road by their ex's calling and I become so afraid that will be me ... years down the road still hoping to hear from him, wanting him to apologize and come back to me ... and I know I just cannot bear to feel this way for years on end ...

I'm so upset that it's been two months and he hasn't even called. He doesn't CARE about how I'm doing ... I cared about him and how he was doing for 2 years and he can't even care enough about me to call to see how I'm doing ... if I'm okay with all the bills he left me, and all the hurtful things he said. I would never have deserted him in this way and I don't know what part hurts the most ... knowing that he doesn't care, or wondering if he ever even cared at all ...

I feel like the last 2 years of my life were one big, fat lie and that he's been laughing at how easily he fooled me for this whole time.

I know, there will be people on this forum who will tell me, again, to take care of myself, to do something for myself that I enjoy, to go to therapy, to go to Alanon etc ... but I've done all of this except Alanon (can't find a meeting I can get to without a vehicle) and it's not helping ... I don't feel better, I feel worse ... and every day that goes by that he doesn't call is just another day that I realize how little the last 2 years meant to him at all ... and it makes me question even the good things about our relationship ... I thought I had finally found someone who would love me the way that I loved them ... and here I am again, hurting so badly that I can't stand it.

I'm fighting the urge to contact him ... and it's probably a good thing that I don't know exactly HOW to contact him right now ... the only thing really keeping me from contacting him is the very real fear that talking to him would bring me MORE pain and I just can't take anymore hurting ... there is so much hurt right now that I don't know where to put it all. I have such a short fuse, I don't even find enjoyment in my pets .... I feel horrible ... I feel like I should be finding them homes that will cherish them because right now, they are just a burden to me - it's all I can do to even care for them, and I resent them for needing to be cared for. How sick is that?? I feel like I'm just a black hole, sucking everyone and everything around me down into this horrible, depressing place that I'm in ...

I just want to sleep ... I want to sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore. I want to somehow erase the past 2 years of my life and forget that I ever loved him. I want to give this pain to him ... afterall ... it should be his to deal with, not mine ... and yet I'm stuck here, hurting so badly ...

I think of leaving town ... but then I realize I can't outrun this pain ... I feel like I'm trying to just run away from something that is faster than me ... and no matter where I go or what I do, this horrible, immense pain finds me ...

What if it doesn't get better??

outtolunch

Is it possible that you would consider seeing a therapist, for grief counseling ?

Given your overwhelming sense of loss, it certainly cannot hurt. There is a technique called EMDR that is often helpful with significant emotional trauma.
It has a way of helping the trauma victim disengage from the pain.

lovesmenot74

Outtolunch,
I am seeing a therapist, although I think I need to try a new one ... I often feel frustrated when i leave my therapist's office ... I don't know if my expectations of therapy are unrealistic, or if it's just the experience with this particular therapist - I've never been to a therapist until this one ...

Callie

I agree about the therapist...

You know I feel the same way, every feeling that you have, I have ---- IF I CHOOSE TO LET THEM SURFACE. For me, I could be laying in a pile of wet, soggy tears all day forever --- --- if I choose to go that route - BUT WHERE WILL THAT GET ME WITH AN ADDICT? NOWHERE - ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE. For me, for my kids, for my integrity, I choose TO STAND. I choose to fake it till I make it. I will NOT let my AH take myself or my kids down any further. It's not right, not fair that we were dealt this deck. We put our hearts out on the line and got burned. Badly. Tears are good, tears can be healing, tears remind us that we feel, that we're human, that we have souls and a conscience. But those in active addiction are not blessed with those feelings. For ME, I choose to pull myself up by my bootstraps and put one foot in front of the other to move forward. Somedays it feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, but I ALWAYS try to keep a forward motion going. For ME, laying in a heap of tears does NOTHING for me except give the power to him and/or his addiction. With addiction, whining - crying - begging - pleading gets you NOWHERE. I've BTDT. An addict is UNREASONABLE, common sense to them is incomprehensible.

You asked "what if it doesn't get any better." My answer is that it WON'T with the mindset that you're in.

Not trying to be harsh at all here. Maybe this "supressing" of tears/feelings that I'm doing isn't the most healthiest. But it's certainly not healthy to be feeling this way every day. Not healthy for my kids to see, it's not healthy for anybody involved. You need to feel, to grieve, BUT not obsess or relish in the grief. I'm not sure of your story, but I've said it here before many times. I've been with my AH 21 years. I am 37 years old and married for 13 years. If you do not have kids involved, run fast and far away. To look into the eyes of your babies and know what their dad did/is doing is way more painful than anything you can imagine.

Hugs to you, take care of yourself, but do not give anyone that much power. You may not see this now, but it could be a blessing in disguise that he is no longer in your life. My AH promised me the world too. He gave it to me - or so I thought - and then threw a bomb in it and blew up every hope, dream, plan and belief that I had. I'm now left to sort through the pieces. My entire life, marriage, family with him was built on sand - not stone. All courtesy of Opiates. They not only ruined HIS life, but THREE other lives as well. His wife and his 7 year old twins.

OK, off my soapbox. Maybe I'm a little PO'd tonight or something, but I hate seeing people so wrapped up with addiction that they can't seperate themselves.

bappy

God I hope you feel better, I really do.

Blackrose56

I knew my ex for 33 years. I knew him since he was 11. We went our separate ways. I married another alcoholic and when they fell apart after 16 years, he found me and was clean and sober for 3 years at that time. And he was my knight in shining armor. He was everything I'd wanted in my life. He was my true love. He relapsed after 2 years of us together and it took me 4 more years of relapses...getting clean...jail....on and on...until I said NO MORE!! I did move. Moved 2,000 miles across the country to a life I had left to be with him. And I HAVE moved forward. Yes, he was in my thoughts, but I have made GREAT strides. But if you love someone, it doesn't stop hurting overnight. And for good and bad, maybe he shouldn't have contacted me. Cause it hurts all over again. But it also has shown me ONE thing. He's NOT the man I loved. He's NOT the man I could live with again. In fact, he is so much WORSE than when I left. Yes, it hurts that he's with another woman. But she will NEVER know the love I knew. She will NEVER know the joy I knew. She will NEVER know the man I knew. She will NEVER have his love. I still have that and always will. Since I moved back here I have found a great job and got a great place and even bought a NEW car this year. (first ever) And I know that if he came here and was still using...all that would be gone. I'd go back to the PAIN and MISERY of living with active addiction. Yes, I hurt. But I also realize how much BETTER life is without an active addict. I have been through a couple counselors. Finally found one I love!! And it has helped. Does your counselor understand addiction? Some don't. And that is key.

genrs123

sometimes you have to fake it til you make it.
sometimes the motivation comes AFTER you do something, not before.

i understand about not contacting him b/c of the more pain. but having to fight the urge. i fight the urge everyday too. i come here and try to remember why it will NOT work with an addict. and even then, sometimes id still like to try, just to let him know i care. in this sick way, i dont want to cut the communication b/c i dont want it to be over.

I know youre in a lot of pain- i understand, because upon breaking up from my AXBF i was in so much pain that i never thought id ever be happy again (and truth be told, a few months later i went on medication to help).

also, i am not happy with my therapist either!!!! im not sure if i should get another one or not... she knows the whole shebang bang. BUT i dont know if i get enough out of it.

your pets love you. the more you give love, the more you get back...

keep doing what you are doing and al anon has been a GREAT help for me. so has reading...

It is going to get better if you keep trying.

AquaBlue

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low.

I just wanted to say that I've been to a few therapists over the years, and I finally found one that I love. It sounds to me like you do need to find a new one. I don't think you should be leaving his/her office feeling frustrated. Challenged- yes, but not frustrated.

Speaking from experience- don't "settle" in this area. I know that it probably feels exhausting to start over with a new therapist. But, I think a good therapist will ask you the right questions, etc., where it won't feel like such a chore to start over.

Hang in there hon- hugs and good luck to you!

cassandra2

We can sit here all day long and tell you all the things you already know about addicts and it still would not do any good for you. This is what helps me on days where I feel bad.

First off you are beautiful and wonderful and FULLY deserve to be treated wonderfully. EXCEPT NOTHING LESS. There are men out there that WANT to treat you that way. But you will never, never, ever find that man if you dont lift yourself out of this. You need to start treating yourself the way you want to be treated. Buy yourself a flower. Do something you really like to do. Distract yourself with something anything that will take your mind off of him.

One of the problems with us women is that we think that the person we were with is IT. Like there isnt anyone else out there for us. I believe that we are good people and deserve to be treated as such. Start telling yourself everyday that you REFUSE TO CHASE A DRUG ADDICT.

I love my ex very much but I love myself (I love my kids too but right now its about me) tooooo much to put myself through the misery of his drug addiction.

I too have changed. I am not the same person that got into the relationship with this man. I have become a woman who is wanting a drug addict in her life. This is unacceptable. You need to get the place where you value yourself so much that you will NEVER allow someone to treat you that way. We allow people to treat us badly. This needs to STOP.

Listen to your inner voice here be honest with yourself and ask yourself did he EVER treat you with love and respect? You mentioned that even before his addiction he never did anything for you on your birthday. Do you really wanna give all of your energy to someone who NEVER did that for you? Put yourself in a position to never expect anything but goodness from others.

I dont know how but some way you need to find it in yourself to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move forward. Forget about him. Forget about the imaginary relationship that you had with him and get yourself well. You will have YOU to live with for the rest of your life. Remember to be true to yourself and learn to take care of yourself. Not just getting up everyday and going through the motions. Get up and be thankful you dont have the problems he has be thankful for the life you are living. Be thankful that you WONT HAVE TO HIT A ROCK BOTTOM. Know that with each passing day you are coming closer to a better YOU.

Keep posting. Keep living. Keep breathing. It can and will be ok. You just have to let it.

Impurrfect

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

I've been where you are, and it sucks. Now that I've addressed my own addiction and codie issues, I see that I was every bit as addicted to him as I ever was to the drugs, if not more.

Most people who love addicts, constantly ask themselves "why don't they just do what they need to do to get their life straightened out?!" Well, the same question goes for us...we try things, if they don't work, we try something else.

I agree that you probably need to find a new therapist. A good one is worth their weight in gold, and will understand addiction and codependence.

When I get all frustrated and down, I force myself to think of things I'm grateful for. And yes, sometimes I do it with a big scowl on my face, not wanting to do it, thinking I don't have anything to be grateful for. It doesn't take long before my list gets pretty long. I had to start with basics...being grateful for a soft bed (they aren't in jail, trust me), food to eat, etc.

Stop thinking about how wonderful you think his life is. He's running from life, chasing something he thinks will make his life all fun and games, but will just destroy him. YOU have the chance to embrace life, and find joy again.

I don't mean to downplay what you're going through...I really do remember feeling like I was going to suffocate from all the grief. I would have to say "stop it!" a million times a day when my thoughts went to him. In fact, the first time I went through this (I have 3 XABF's), I developed my own addiction....I didn't reach out like you are doing, so you're miles ahead of where I was.

I finally had to convince myself that I will never let another person or substance have so much control over my life, and it WAS about control...my every thought and action was based on how he was acting toward me.

Like Cassandra said...keep posting, keep living, keep breathing. You may think you will never get through this, but you will.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Neverwanted

Oh LMN...hug. I know! I know. If you are going through hell, keep going. Do the motions!!!


And Darlin - its what I call wading through the mud. And it SUCKS. And I have been there and still am more than I will admit. You can take more of going through the motions...but being with him...noooooo. YOu couldnt take more. This journey is now about YOU - not him. It has to be. You HAVE to be able to heal from the damage done to you and your trust. This is YOUR turn.


Or maybe letting go of him worsens the pain. As you improve part of you is screaming NO! WAIT! You cant walk away! Dont get better!This will mean its really over! Even limbo is indecision but necessary for now. Wade honey. Wade.

Uh huh. It sucks. AND he is not operating on the same morality scale as you. So guess what. He gets to be the unholy poo hole of immorality and insanity while you try to get a grip on wth just happened to your love. See...the only one who broke your heart is the one who can unbreak it and that doesnt happen. Its an oxymoron of sorts.



And we may never know. But what about you, Beautiful? What about all that passion love and fire in your heart? What about who gets to be the lucky recipient of all of that once you heal? Dream up a nice future for yourself where you are loved and wanted.



been there and just coming out of that black hole. Would you like to borrow the t shirt I got from that nasty lil trip???? It is called depression and its the outcome of being where you have been. Here is the good news - the addict may use to prevent moments like this - hence why he is off in la la land with someone else and using and tap dancing...he doesnt have to face what he did to you and he while using....but YOU are dealing with the pain - the outcome - you are not using. And guess what...that is STRENGTH. Arent you glad you arent him right now? Id rather wade through this and grow than be an addict chasing my tail and ruining lives.



Sweetness...you are depressed. I recognize this post as one of my own. I feel for you and please know that wading through the mud is what differentiates btwn you and an addict. You dare to feel:ghug3

cassandra2

I like that NW! That is what we all are here doing is feeling the pain and reality of what has happened. But that is good. We need to feel this pain just as much as we felt the pain of being burned from a hot stove. Today we know not to touch the stove because of that pain.

Today we know that and tomorrow we will know to steer clear of anyone who does not put us before anything that will cause them to hurt us.....

Neverwanted

LMN - please let us know how you are doing. You count - you have a life worth living. "Cmon you can do it!" (imagine that exercise guru on that weird infomercial - he has long hair - his last name is Little - and its worth a giggle)

frankly

((LMN))

Girl, your post made me want to just find you and give you a hug. To sit with you and talk, and cry with you. I was where you are at 4 years ago. I reached the point that the pain was so bad, I couldn't leave my home, I couldn't take care of my kids, my puppies cried all day because I was crying. It was a living hell, where the walls of my home felt like they were closing in on me, suffocating me, every where I looked in that home, just kept reminding me of all the wrong, all the loss. I started feeling numb, ok, cool, at least I'm not crying, but I felt so tired, it was an effort to lift my hand. The every day motions seemed like a chore, and I was just too tired to give a damn about anything else, except this god awful pain. I felt so alone, even though I had friends and family my kids and puppies, it didn't matter, I still felt this huge black hole of aloneness. I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't take any more.

I know what you are feeling, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It was about this same time of year too. People kept telling me to do something nice for myself, and it would make me cry because what they didn't know was that there was nothing out there that gave me any pleasure, there was nothing I could do for myself.

I sat in my shower with the water turned as hot as I could stand it and cried hysterically, when I had no more tears, I would make myself think of something that would make me cry again until nothing I thought about made me cry. Then I got kinda po'ed when the hot water ran out. ( -:

As crazy as it sounds, I had found something that gave me pleasure, even though it seems small, that hot shower felt good, like I was washing away all the dirt that I felt was just swallowing me up. At first, I can't tell you how many hot showers I would take, I would escape into them, I started enjoying something again...a shower of all things. I started to feel safe in there, I could cry, scream and have long conversations with myself and my HP. I started feeling a little better even if for just a little while.

But I wanted to feel better faster, I wanted to walk right through all that greif and get past it, I felt like it would just never end. I started working the twelve steps, and really concentrating on them and what they meant. At first glance, they seem easy enough, but once I started really thinking about what they meant and really started applying them, man, all of the sudden, it was the hardest thing in the world to do. Admit that I was powerless? Let go? Easier said than done, let me tell you. Those 12 steps became mountains! They also became my salvation.

The baby steps began, I concentrated on the one thing in life that gave me any pleasure at all (showers, lots of them) and threw myself into the step study. I figured I would try anything to make the pain stop. I made myself get out of that house. I made myself concentrate on the little things in life. I stopped worrying about the bills and everything else, and watched a sun rise and a sun set. When I walked outside, I really took a close look at the ground and all the beauty of a flower or even a clover leaf, things that people just take for granted, I started looking at them. It felt good. It was another baby step. I got on here and talked, used my friends lights here to help get me through the holiday, heck, I even grabbed hold of their faith that everything would get better, I didn't believe it, but they believed it enough and so strongly that there had to be something to it, I learned about blind faith and the hardest thing in the world...trust.

Yep, here I was, in your shoes, being asked to trust in something I couldn't see, something I couldn't touch, after just being stomped into the ground after giving my trust to someone I thought loved me. Trust again? yea right.
So at first, I just held on to the fact that perfect strangers out there loved me and cared about me, I held on to their faith and their light.

Sorry this is so long, I could talk for hours to you and really wish I could, I wish I could show you a movie of my experiences so that you could see the happy ending.

You have a happy ending comming, just hold onto our light and your faith.

Lots of Love and Hugs going your way.
B

lovesmenot74

Thanks everyone for caring enough to post encouragement and support here ... I'm here, I just don't have the energy right now to write much, but I am reading all you have to say and hanging onto every word.

Thank you.

cassandra2

LMN---

You are worthy of so much more in life. HE is NOT worth your precious tears. I know its hard right now and nothing absolutely nothing is going to take the pain away until you decide its time. But I would like you to find a mirror and go to and look at yourself and tell yourself that you love yourself over and over. Do that everyday over and over until you truly believe it in your heart. Then the pain will subside and you will be able to not hurt as much each day.

Live for yourself. Your young, single, very beautiful and have a wonderful heart. Tell yourself this each day...

We are here for you....