quietgirl

I have made so much progress since I last posted -- somehow I finally "cut the cord" and started moving into the future (i.e., finally seeing a lawyer to begin the formal separation process; telling friends that my marriage to my AH was over; settling into a life with my 2 children, one without the constant depression, chaos, and anxiety. My AH, living on his own now, has continued to spiral downward, or to "circle the drain" as one friend wisely put it. He has asked about our chances of reconciliation and indicates that my response ("I've moved on") leaves him deeply depressed and feeling that his life is "in utter disarray." Just a few days ago he lost a part-time job he had gotten (after losing a good job after two DUIs); he was taken, drunk, from work to the hospital and had a BAC of .401.

Although I still feel detached, and have no urge to take him back home (despite his "threats" that unless I let him he'll end up homeless), I'm also now beginning to feel truly scared that he will kill himself, which in turn makes me feel very guilty. Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Any advice for getting over this latest struggle? I've been tempted to try to call his former sponsor, but have so far resisted, feeling like I had really made some progress myself with detaching. Quiet Girl.

Ago

The times I have had friends "go out" and I have called their sponsor it was "for me" and not "for them" or "to tell on them".

The healthy sponsor/sponsee relationship is a perfect example of "detachment" and I have gotten wonderful words of love and support for myself when calling a sponsor. If the sponsor was healthy, they were able to describe their own detachment coupled with love which in turn proved very helpful in my own quest to "let go", because I was able to see this person did in fact love their sponsee but realize the choice to drink had nothing to do with them, so that aided me in my own quest and I could walk away being "healthy sad" as opposed to being "all wrapped up" in the outcome.

Whatever you decide to do my heart goes out to the both of you and you will be in my prayers

sam79

I actually had my ABF texting me saying how he was about to kill himself and what he was gonna do, a few months ago. I did used to panic like mad when hes done it before but this time i did answer a couple of the messeges but then chose to ignore him completely.
I switched my phone off, knowing that he would do nothing of the sort but even if he did, whatever, it wouldnt be my fault, it would of been his choice.
Im sorry if it sounds heartless but i could only take so much attention seeking and blackmail to get me back living with him and there was NO WAY on gods earth i would do it.
DO NOT feel any guilt, i cant count the amount of times ive had the guilt trip thing and it just doesnt wash with me. Not to say i dont have the odd moment of weakness.
As for phoning his sponsor, forget it, i did that once and also spoke in person and it did no good whatsoever. Made things worse between us for a while if anything.
All he wants to do is know he can still command your attention through guilt.
Just dont give in.xxxx

GiveLove

Your AH is making some really sad, damaging choices, isn't he? I'm so sorry, quietgirl.

If he does grind his own life into the ground so far that he starts to entertain thoughts of suicide, there isn't a thing you can do to stop him. Oh, well, sure there is: you could let his alcoholism blackmail you and stay with him for life out of fear that it will be "your fault" if he actually does it.

Then the one who's dead would be you, for the remainder of your life.

If he threatens suicide, you can give him a suicide hotline, and also can call 911 and have someone dispatched to wherever he is to help.

His choices, not yours. Guilt has no place here. Sadness - yes, lots of that. But he's doing this, not you. You are just saving your own life, while he refuses to grab on to the life ring.

(Though it doesn't seem like your AH has gotten to this level yet, it's a pretty darned common manipulation scheme. I actually got lots of subtle threats of suicide. My X knew that, since I'd lost a sibling to suicide, that was the way to push my buttons. )

Good luck
:ghug3