When do they stop?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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When do they stop?
When do alcoholics, who say they are moving on, stop stepping into your life? Mine has moved on to someone new yet contacts (some with success and some without) people in my life almost each day. I am still in the struggling to get through each day and learning to let go. I suppose it shouldn't bother me, and I shouldn't try to figure it out, but why do they do this and when does it stop? 1 month, 1 year? I don't expect anyone to know for sure, but any time frame would help me.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Most alcoholics are very hard to get rid of, even if they claim to have moved on. Just as much as they are dependent on alcohol, they are dependent on us, whether they chose to admit that or not. Sorry you have to deal with it on a constant basis, I know the feeling, but stay strong and it does get easier after a while.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Are these people in your life friends and family that he is also friends with?
If you truly want to move on then stop talking about him to these people and ask them to keep their relationship with him to themselves that you’d rather not hear about him.
He will move on when you let go.
If you truly want to move on then stop talking about him to these people and ask them to keep their relationship with him to themselves that you’d rather not hear about him.
He will move on when you let go.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I'm going to guess, never. I have been separated 3 years, divorced 6 months and still xAH is dragging things out legal-wise - ridiculous things. I've come to believe this is a form of contact, since I will not communicate with him directly. The best thing I've done for myself is live my own life.
So I have let go, but he hasn't moved on. That is his problem, not mine.
So I have let go, but he hasn't moved on. That is his problem, not mine.
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I think you are talking about 'people' not just alcoholics.
My observation has been that some ex's can be annoyingly persistent whether they're alcoholics or not, lol. Of course... add alcohol and it can be a lot worse.
My observation has been that some ex's can be annoyingly persistent whether they're alcoholics or not, lol. Of course... add alcohol and it can be a lot worse.
Last edited by tommyk; 11-14-2008 at 11:28 AM.
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I am assuming from your post that these people he does contact successfully let you know he's contacted them?
If so, I'd suggest telling them you'd rather not hear anything in regards to him, period.
If so, I'd suggest telling them you'd rather not hear anything in regards to him, period.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I am assuming from your post that these people he does contact successfully let you know he's contacted them?
If so, I'd suggest telling them you'd rather not hear anything in regards to him, period.
If so, I'd suggest telling them you'd rather not hear anything in regards to him, period.
I've started to pretend an obsession with shoes ( I say pretend, you know....)everytime someone talks about my brother I change the subject to shoes.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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I can only speak for myself, but my X continued to contact my friends who were also HIS friends, and still does.
I don't have any right to keep him from that.
If I don't want to hear about it, I have to tell people I don't want to hear about it. And if they keep on, I get to walk away. Boundaries are for everybody, not just alcoholics.
It's hard, but it works, especially if they get tired of being left alone in a room yammering about my X to the potted plants.
Good luck now,
GL
I don't have any right to keep him from that.
If I don't want to hear about it, I have to tell people I don't want to hear about it. And if they keep on, I get to walk away. Boundaries are for everybody, not just alcoholics.
It's hard, but it works, especially if they get tired of being left alone in a room yammering about my X to the potted plants.
Good luck now,
GL
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Thanks for all of the thoughts. It is helpful to hear from a variety of perspectives.
I probably should have clarified myself. EXABF contacted his (they were our) friends several months ago and spread lies about me(my assumption is to justify his own bad behavior). Since I am temporarily away at school (and busy and stayed in touch with them through him or so I thought), I did not know about any of this until a few weeks ago. I have run into a couple of these people, who months ago were friendly, but now won't speak to me (one person did tell me that L has said ugly things insulting my character). Even though most of these people know he has a drinking problem, I don't think any of them have a clue about the extent to which he lies. That of course will be for them to experience themselves at some point with him. I fully realize this crew has been friends with him longer, so and I won't expose his ugliness. I am leaving them alone, although I hope that when I move back that a few of them might want to renew a relationship with me. It will be up to them. I wish that I could tell them that he has lied, but suppose that is me being controlling or somehow codependent. I guess I need to learn the difference between controlling and standing up for yourself.
The issue I am facing now is that although he doesn't directly communicate with me (and I am not communicating with him), he continues to contact people close to me (i.e. long term family friends). He acts like he has done nothing wrong or out of the ordinary. I have told a few about what has happened and they are giving him distance (I did not ask them to do that). He has had good relationships with these folks, but given that he has lied, cheated and moved on from me why would he continue to try to contact them? He left me, wouldn't my family friends be a package deal with me?
I probably should have clarified myself. EXABF contacted his (they were our) friends several months ago and spread lies about me(my assumption is to justify his own bad behavior). Since I am temporarily away at school (and busy and stayed in touch with them through him or so I thought), I did not know about any of this until a few weeks ago. I have run into a couple of these people, who months ago were friendly, but now won't speak to me (one person did tell me that L has said ugly things insulting my character). Even though most of these people know he has a drinking problem, I don't think any of them have a clue about the extent to which he lies. That of course will be for them to experience themselves at some point with him. I fully realize this crew has been friends with him longer, so and I won't expose his ugliness. I am leaving them alone, although I hope that when I move back that a few of them might want to renew a relationship with me. It will be up to them. I wish that I could tell them that he has lied, but suppose that is me being controlling or somehow codependent. I guess I need to learn the difference between controlling and standing up for yourself.
The issue I am facing now is that although he doesn't directly communicate with me (and I am not communicating with him), he continues to contact people close to me (i.e. long term family friends). He acts like he has done nothing wrong or out of the ordinary. I have told a few about what has happened and they are giving him distance (I did not ask them to do that). He has had good relationships with these folks, but given that he has lied, cheated and moved on from me why would he continue to try to contact them? He left me, wouldn't my family friends be a package deal with me?
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Fixit,
My family, and family friends, were WAYYYYYY cooler, funnier, nicer, and overall better people than anyone my X knew. Even after he'd moved on and I'd moved on, he kept feeling jealous that I had this network of neat people and he didn't, and so kept trying to squeeze back into their good graces.
To ME, there ought to be a boundary there, just like to you. But expecting alcoholics to respect boundaries is (sometimes) like expecting a fish to go riding by on a bicycle.
Sorry you're going through this. Personally -- regarding his friends who don't want anything to do with you -- if they would judge you purely on something he told you, rather than on their own experiences with you, then you probably don't want these people in your life anyway. Maybe best to make a new group of friends that don't have any ties to him.
My family, and family friends, were WAYYYYYY cooler, funnier, nicer, and overall better people than anyone my X knew. Even after he'd moved on and I'd moved on, he kept feeling jealous that I had this network of neat people and he didn't, and so kept trying to squeeze back into their good graces.
To ME, there ought to be a boundary there, just like to you. But expecting alcoholics to respect boundaries is (sometimes) like expecting a fish to go riding by on a bicycle.
Sorry you're going through this. Personally -- regarding his friends who don't want anything to do with you -- if they would judge you purely on something he told you, rather than on their own experiences with you, then you probably don't want these people in your life anyway. Maybe best to make a new group of friends that don't have any ties to him.
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Give Love,
Thank you. I think you are right about the caliber of my folks versus the remaining people who hang out with him. I need to keep remembering that he is sick and his actions will continue to be erratic and unorthodox.
Thank you. I think you are right about the caliber of my folks versus the remaining people who hang out with him. I need to keep remembering that he is sick and his actions will continue to be erratic and unorthodox.
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My exah did that sort of stuff for a while (he gave up when people stopped answering his calls). He even called my grandmother (who lives in another state) and told her that he thought I was leaving him for another man before I had the chance to let her know we were divorcing! (she knew he was lying but that's not the point)
It's called "campaigning" just another way A's try to hide their addiction and deflect blame to others.
All of my family and most of our friends (who are the kind of people he wants to be associated with) avoid him now and he is very vocal in assigning blame to me.
It's called "campaigning" just another way A's try to hide their addiction and deflect blame to others.
All of my family and most of our friends (who are the kind of people he wants to be associated with) avoid him now and he is very vocal in assigning blame to me.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Thanks for all of the thoughts. It is helpful to hear from a variety of perspectives.
I probably should have clarified myself. EXABF contacted his (they were our) friends several months ago and spread lies about me(my assumption is to justify his own bad behavior).
I probably should have clarified myself. EXABF contacted his (they were our) friends several months ago and spread lies about me(my assumption is to justify his own bad behavior).
About the lies, the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind. He's contacting your friends as a way-my guess-of keeping those very tentative connections with you intact. You seem to be handling it fairly well.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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If you can not let go and move on then maybe that's why you are dwelling on anything to do with him.
If I dwell on the color purple it's going to jump out at me the entire day until quit dwelling on it.
If I dwell on the color purple it's going to jump out at me the entire day until quit dwelling on it.
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I actually didn't notice when it stopped, it seemed to stop shortly after I stopped paying attention, not sure if those two were related and she got distracted by a shiny object and wandered away, or I just wasn't paying attention.
I also agree wholeheartedly with this statement, strangely enough, for me, the people that "fit" this criteria never once "brought her up" and just because I'm related to someone doesn't necessarily make them healthy nor people I want to spend a great deal of time listening to.
Just me, my circumstances were probably a bit different.
the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.
Just me, my circumstances were probably a bit different.
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Thanks all. It is very helpful to me to hear about others' similar expereinces.
The whole situation is just so weird, dramatic and embarrassing. The only people who seem to understand what it is like to go through this crazy stuff are folks on this forum and in my al anon meeting. My family and friends are sympathetic, but say the whole thing is crazy and are just waiting for me to hit the acceptance button and be okay with it already. I know that they mean well, but I am just coming out of (I think) the shock phase of this and don't want to be pushed right now.
It is strange to me that people I don't know who are on this forum and people I met a few weeks ago in al anon are saving my sanity through this storm. Thank You.
The whole situation is just so weird, dramatic and embarrassing. The only people who seem to understand what it is like to go through this crazy stuff are folks on this forum and in my al anon meeting. My family and friends are sympathetic, but say the whole thing is crazy and are just waiting for me to hit the acceptance button and be okay with it already. I know that they mean well, but I am just coming out of (I think) the shock phase of this and don't want to be pushed right now.
It is strange to me that people I don't know who are on this forum and people I met a few weeks ago in al anon are saving my sanity through this storm. Thank You.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
The whole situation is just so weird, dramatic and embarrassing. The only people who seem to understand what it is like to go through this crazy stuff are folks on this forum and in my al anon meeting. My family and friends are sympathetic, but say the whole thing is crazy and are just waiting for me to hit the acceptance button and be okay with it already. I know that they mean well, but I am just coming out of (I think) the shock phase of this and don't want to be pushed right now.
It was insane and I felt like the guy in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" shouting at cars driving by and everyone thinks he is insane.
For me, I wasn't "insane" so much as I was caught in an "insane" situation that made me "insane" and I couldn't seem to make others understand how insane it was even when they could understand....it was insane, pun intended.
There is a part of being in an unhealthy relationship that is harder to let go of then being in a healthy relationship in my opinion, I'm not sure what that is, but it was my experience, and when I met my friend who broke up with his "insane" girl friend a year ago, he started his conversation last night with "I am insane" and with that premise established we were able to have a pretty good conversation about it.
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