my story, new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1
my story, new here
hey guys, im new to the forums. my gf actually told my bout this site. but anywho, heres my story. it sounds like some of you guys too but heres mine.
my dad drank his whole life. im 22 now. he passed away january 29th of this year. he was 49. i feel like alot of it was my fault, becasue i wasnt strong enough to stand up for my mom and my sis who is younger than i. i went up to him so many nights when he was sitting on the couch and asked him to stop and begging him, and after all the fights he and my mom went through she was always by him, hoping he would quit. then about almost 3 years now. he had leg issues and it was hard for him to walk, so he went to the doctor and they said he needed to stop drinking and stuff and put him on stuff i dont remember.
well fast forward after that and he had a huge stomach from which i understood was from his drinking and something with his kidneys or liver. but after the hospital visit and stuff, he lost so much weight. he was so skinny and had a big stomach, but they drained his stomach of fluids and stuff. well fast forward almost 2 years later. i decided to join the army. so i left in august of 2007. i came home december 17th for christmas. and i changed so much. i felt like me and my dad were finally getting along and making a relationship i longed for my whole life. its like i was a man and he knew it. and he was so proud of me. and we were finally getting things the way we wanted for so long.
well some january 4th i left back to ait. and around the 27th, i get a call saying from my sis that hes in the hospital again. and i didnt think much of it since he was in and out of the hospital, but i talked to him later that night and he said his stomach was hurting so they put him on morphine so he could sleep. and i told him i loved him and would call him the next night. so the next day comes by and i didnt call him. i thought about it but never did, and the next day around 11am i get a text saying that my dad is dying from my sis so i fly home at 10pm that night and hes laying in the hospital. i break down and just cant believe it.
soi stay for a little bit and they ask us if we want to try to resistate him if his heart stops but we said no just let him go in peace. so i left becasue it was to much and my sis and mom stayed behind. around 330am i get the call he passed away.
ever since then i feel like a part of me has died. i met my gf on december 28th and we were so fine and good. i was so happy and confident and now ever since. i have been a rollercoaster of emotions. ranging from wanting to kill myself to just being plane out mean and just ups and downs. i feel like the more and more time goes by im getting more numb. i lost my grandma on my moms side in march and my other grandma this past weekend. i just dont know what else to do sometimes.
but i just wanted everyone to know my story if anyone else can relate. i have more to write but dont wanna drag on.
Tony.
my dad drank his whole life. im 22 now. he passed away january 29th of this year. he was 49. i feel like alot of it was my fault, becasue i wasnt strong enough to stand up for my mom and my sis who is younger than i. i went up to him so many nights when he was sitting on the couch and asked him to stop and begging him, and after all the fights he and my mom went through she was always by him, hoping he would quit. then about almost 3 years now. he had leg issues and it was hard for him to walk, so he went to the doctor and they said he needed to stop drinking and stuff and put him on stuff i dont remember.
well fast forward after that and he had a huge stomach from which i understood was from his drinking and something with his kidneys or liver. but after the hospital visit and stuff, he lost so much weight. he was so skinny and had a big stomach, but they drained his stomach of fluids and stuff. well fast forward almost 2 years later. i decided to join the army. so i left in august of 2007. i came home december 17th for christmas. and i changed so much. i felt like me and my dad were finally getting along and making a relationship i longed for my whole life. its like i was a man and he knew it. and he was so proud of me. and we were finally getting things the way we wanted for so long.
well some january 4th i left back to ait. and around the 27th, i get a call saying from my sis that hes in the hospital again. and i didnt think much of it since he was in and out of the hospital, but i talked to him later that night and he said his stomach was hurting so they put him on morphine so he could sleep. and i told him i loved him and would call him the next night. so the next day comes by and i didnt call him. i thought about it but never did, and the next day around 11am i get a text saying that my dad is dying from my sis so i fly home at 10pm that night and hes laying in the hospital. i break down and just cant believe it.
soi stay for a little bit and they ask us if we want to try to resistate him if his heart stops but we said no just let him go in peace. so i left becasue it was to much and my sis and mom stayed behind. around 330am i get the call he passed away.
ever since then i feel like a part of me has died. i met my gf on december 28th and we were so fine and good. i was so happy and confident and now ever since. i have been a rollercoaster of emotions. ranging from wanting to kill myself to just being plane out mean and just ups and downs. i feel like the more and more time goes by im getting more numb. i lost my grandma on my moms side in march and my other grandma this past weekend. i just dont know what else to do sometimes.
but i just wanted everyone to know my story if anyone else can relate. i have more to write but dont wanna drag on.
Tony.
Stronger than yesterday...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 118
Hi Tony and welcome to SR. You will find many caring people here with good tips and advice. I also think some counseling would benefit you and your healing process. Reaching out for some help is the first step in the right direction. I know it may not seem like it right now but it will get better for you. I also want to thank you for your service to our country. Keep your head up kiddo! (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Consider seeing a counsellor. This does NOT mean you're a headcase. No person is expected to go through what you're gone through and come out all merry. Someone once explained to me that if I had broken leg, would people expect me to heal it all on my own, without any help? Would people expect me to just get up and keep walking? Hell no, that would be insane! So why would I do that with a broken heart, when it's obvious that the harder I try to use it, the more it hurts.
Numb doesn't mean the feelings are gone. Numb means the feelings aren't getting any better, and your mind can't cope with their constant pressure anymore.
You're doing the right thing by trying to write it down. Keep posting; I'd be happy to hear more of your story. But also start journalling. Just start writing how you feel about whatever comes to mind. If you feel too hesitant to see a counsellor, writing is the next best therapy you can do for yourself. No one ever has to see what you write.
And later on, when you're ready, you'll need to realize that you (young child Tony) could NOT have made your dad change his mind about drinking. Your dad is the one was was responsible for his actions - not you. You were the child - it was not your job to take care of your dad or try control his drinking choices (even though you did, because you loved him and wanted things to be better). Believe me, I hear where you're coming from. It was NOT YOUR FAULT. It was not because you and your family weren't good enough for your dad. It was about your dad's weakness and addiction; his desire to drink had nothing to do with you.
This isn't your fault, Tony. There was no one "right" way to deal with your dad's death. You did the best you could, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent any of it. Now is the time for you to learn to take care of YOU, in healthy positive ways. Life can feel good again, but we all have to work to get there sometimes. Sending hugs your way
Numb doesn't mean the feelings are gone. Numb means the feelings aren't getting any better, and your mind can't cope with their constant pressure anymore.
You're doing the right thing by trying to write it down. Keep posting; I'd be happy to hear more of your story. But also start journalling. Just start writing how you feel about whatever comes to mind. If you feel too hesitant to see a counsellor, writing is the next best therapy you can do for yourself. No one ever has to see what you write.
And later on, when you're ready, you'll need to realize that you (young child Tony) could NOT have made your dad change his mind about drinking. Your dad is the one was was responsible for his actions - not you. You were the child - it was not your job to take care of your dad or try control his drinking choices (even though you did, because you loved him and wanted things to be better). Believe me, I hear where you're coming from. It was NOT YOUR FAULT. It was not because you and your family weren't good enough for your dad. It was about your dad's weakness and addiction; his desire to drink had nothing to do with you.
This isn't your fault, Tony. There was no one "right" way to deal with your dad's death. You did the best you could, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent any of it. Now is the time for you to learn to take care of YOU, in healthy positive ways. Life can feel good again, but we all have to work to get there sometimes. Sending hugs your way
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Tony,
When my dad died I started talking to a counselor too, and I was never the kind to go to "shrinks". But this was a guy who had a lot of experience with grief, and he helped me figure out some things I could do to shift my life back on the right track again. None of this is your fault -- your dad made his own choices and nothing, Nothing, NOTHING you could have done would change the outcome. HE had to change, and he chose not to. Many alcoholics don't, or they change too late, and their bodies fail on them.
It doesn't make it any less sad that he's not here for you now, that's for sure. But thinking this is your fault is just not the truth. Please think about talking to someone or going to a grief group or an Al-Anon group.....the more you know about alcoholism, the more you'll see the truth of what really happened.
You were a good son. Don't let anyone talk you out of that. Including you.
Hugs,
GL
When my dad died I started talking to a counselor too, and I was never the kind to go to "shrinks". But this was a guy who had a lot of experience with grief, and he helped me figure out some things I could do to shift my life back on the right track again. None of this is your fault -- your dad made his own choices and nothing, Nothing, NOTHING you could have done would change the outcome. HE had to change, and he chose not to. Many alcoholics don't, or they change too late, and their bodies fail on them.
It doesn't make it any less sad that he's not here for you now, that's for sure. But thinking this is your fault is just not the truth. Please think about talking to someone or going to a grief group or an Al-Anon group.....the more you know about alcoholism, the more you'll see the truth of what really happened.
You were a good son. Don't let anyone talk you out of that. Including you.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 5
i'm so sorry you feel the way you do. It's so great that you have a great gf by your side.
i have a ? for you...my dads also an alcoholic and its gotten really bad. he treats my amazing mom like **** and all he does is cause her grief. sometimes i wish my dad was dead, but when i really think about it i know ill be devasted when he dies..even tho hes caused so many problems i feel like il be more upset when he dies over my mom..why is this???? why will i become so upset over someone that ultimetly chose the bottle of vodka over me and everyone else??
i wish you the best..if you want to talk id love to listen.
i have a ? for you...my dads also an alcoholic and its gotten really bad. he treats my amazing mom like **** and all he does is cause her grief. sometimes i wish my dad was dead, but when i really think about it i know ill be devasted when he dies..even tho hes caused so many problems i feel like il be more upset when he dies over my mom..why is this???? why will i become so upset over someone that ultimetly chose the bottle of vodka over me and everyone else??
i wish you the best..if you want to talk id love to listen.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
First, Thank You for serving us and our country.
And it seems your dad too was thankful for what you have done, and for what the service has done for you.
You really tried to help your dad, but in the end it was his choice. Only the alcoholic can choose the path of recovery. It is a hard thing to accept, I know, but it is true. Take a look at the 12 steps of AA, which have not changed in over 50 years and have helped countless alcoholics. There is nothing in there that suggests that recovery is under the control of anyone other than the alcoholic and their higher power. That is the truth.
Everyone here is right - go talk to a counselor, or a minister. Grief is a process, especially grief for a mom or dad, and especially for someone who could not stop destroying himself in front of your eyes - but was beyond your help. My mother died in a car accident and she likely blacked out due to her alcoholism-induced diabetes. I was 18 and I did not go for any counseling or talk to anyone. I got numb and stayed numb, and it ruined my life.
You can also try taking to relatives, your friends, and friends of your dad, those who knew your dad growing up, as a friend, as a brother. I know it may be hard to bring up the subject of your dad's drinking with them, but for grief talking is always better than not talking at all.
Grief takes time and talk. It will let you remember and preserve the good memories of your dad. The pain will get less. Keep posting too.
I was a man and he knew it. and he was so proud of me
You really tried to help your dad, but in the end it was his choice. Only the alcoholic can choose the path of recovery. It is a hard thing to accept, I know, but it is true. Take a look at the 12 steps of AA, which have not changed in over 50 years and have helped countless alcoholics. There is nothing in there that suggests that recovery is under the control of anyone other than the alcoholic and their higher power. That is the truth.
Everyone here is right - go talk to a counselor, or a minister. Grief is a process, especially grief for a mom or dad, and especially for someone who could not stop destroying himself in front of your eyes - but was beyond your help. My mother died in a car accident and she likely blacked out due to her alcoholism-induced diabetes. I was 18 and I did not go for any counseling or talk to anyone. I got numb and stayed numb, and it ruined my life.
You can also try taking to relatives, your friends, and friends of your dad, those who knew your dad growing up, as a friend, as a brother. I know it may be hard to bring up the subject of your dad's drinking with them, but for grief talking is always better than not talking at all.
Grief takes time and talk. It will let you remember and preserve the good memories of your dad. The pain will get less. Keep posting too.
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