EndOfPinkCloud

Ever since AH and I separated mid-September, he has had this huge flight to recovery.

The quick background of our story is we’ve been married for 14 years, the first 7 were great, followed by 3 years of super secret vodka drinking, he then attended re-hab and had good recovery in place for 2 years, followed by the last 2 years of very little recovery work, which means I’ve been living with a dry drunk. Not fun to say the least.

Should I be grateful for this flight to recovery? I’m not, rather I’m extremely angry. Why did it take for me to ask him to move out and meet with a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and THEN he decides to pursue recovery. What’s up with that? None of my calm talking, showering him with compliments saying how far he’d come since his drinking days helped each time I pleaded with him to return to recovery – for himself, for his family, his daughter, his quality of life. It was only when I had let go completely and when I decided to “let go, let lawyer” that I saw a change.

In the past two dry drunk years, he has, of course, been extremely emotionally and sexually absent. Once again, because of this, an already shaky marriage endured another round of bumps and bruises. What does he say? “I’m here now. I’m present today and I’m seeking recovery.” So, that’s it?? I’m just supposed to magically forgive the past (yet again) and move forward with enough faith, hope and love that he will continue in recovery? If there are any alcoholics that want to respond to this post, I’d love to know if he thinks it’s really that simple.

Is anyone in agreement that trying to work on oneself in recovery AND trying to repair an extremely broken marriage is just too much. I’ve waited around for him for 2 long years to change and return to recovery (don’t forget the 3 years of super secret drinking I endured). I don’t want to leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens and I would love it if the guy I married walked back in the door, but having this huge flight to recovery AFTER I’ve begun pursuing a divorce is just a bit much. Or again, am I supposed to be grateful for this flight to recovery? I say that because there are perhaps a lot of people who wish they had a partner who would quit drinking. Mine no longer drinks but from where I am sitting it still is not that great (due to being a dry drunk).

Can anyone offer me E, S and H regarding this? Does anyone out there have a dry drunk partner who returned to recovery and was successful at it?

I don’t even know what I’m asking about here, maybe I just need to vent??

denny57

What would you like to see from him?

I understand that his recovery did not come at the times you thought it might - the loving, understanding times you offered. Today, if I heard xAH had sought recovery I'd be happy for him. I wouldn't question why it didn't happen when I was begging and pleading. I think that is because by letting go, and yes, letting lawyer, I believe those actions may have led to the recovery.

Everyone has their personal bottom or moment of clarity.

If anything, in your situation, I might feel frustrated that he wants to put everything in the past after only 2 months.

Do you attend Al Anon?

Astro

Sounds very much like my story, except I was never dry for more than a day, I never would've made it for two years without AA.

I struggle with an honest answer to that. While part of me agrees in 'til death do us part" and all the other vows, I also understand that enough is enough. No one should have to endure an abusive relationship, the lies and manipulation, etc. etc. And no, I don't believe that anyone should have to forget the past. Even in AA the Promises tell us that "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".

Now here's where I fall apart emotionally. My ex made the decision well before she decided on a divorce and I went into recovery, that she was done loving me and decided she loved a co-worker more. I could say that I didn't have the chance to be the guy she married once more, but I guess I had quite a few chances in the 11 years we were married.

A few months ago, at the tail end of an email battle we were having regarding parenting, she told me that in sobriety I'd finally become the person she always wanted me to be. She's been remarried for quite awhile now though, to that same guy she had an affair with. So yes, some people do leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

I have to admit though, if she hadn't demanded a divorce and booted me out of our home, I doubt I would've stayed sober for very long.

I don't expect anyone except myself to be grateful for my recovery. That's mine to be thankful for. But I have to ask, what are you doing for your recovery? Attending Al-Anon or CoDA meetings? JMHO, the cycle of behavior doesn't end when you get the alcoholic out of your life.

justaboutus

I'm having the same conflict (though it's actually still in my head - haven't filed yet); I expect a 'flight to recovery' when I do. I've been preparing myself to be so strong, and yet I don't really want to give up on the possibility of my marriage being saved. I'd have to give him yet another 'last chance', and I've drawn my line!! Where does it really end?? Even if alcohol wasn't in the picture anymore, do I really want to do all the work to bring our marriage back to functional? Is it silly of me to want a fabulous marriage and not settle for just functional? I'm [this] close to asking a magic 8 ball.

Then again, I may file and he may say "FINALLY, I'm tired of living in this sh!thole" and I may just be torturing myself.

I'm unsure what I'm saying, I have no answers. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Ago

This is just me, but the only "successful" relationships I've ever had with an alcoholic is when we were both already WELL recovered long before I came on the scene, and even that one took a lot of work for both of us.

Even the relationship where I was the alcoholic and "the designated patient" and I got sober, quit smoking, turned into a "neat freak", went back to college, got a better job, that didn't work either.

There was always one more thing to fix with me.

When she ran out of things to "fix" with me her head nearly exploded.

I don't know, I just can't seem to make relationships work where one partner or the other is "the designated patient" it has to be a level playing field from the word go or I just can't seem to stay sane, either as the alky or the "co" and I also have been on both sides of the eight ball on this one.

The other thing is I have only ever been called a "dry drunk" by someone who knew recovery language but not in recovery herself when I didn't follow her agenda. Some of my healthiest decisions were called being a "dry drunk" or "hiding behind the program". My "recovered" XGF actually was much more specific and was able to help me actually "see my part" while she also admitted to her own. Not that I haven't been taken to the mat, it's just been more specific and actually helpful to me to have two people communicating, and if I am with someone where there isn't that "give and take" I have to ask myself why I'm there.

Not that I just didn't go through this mind you, just thinking out loud.

just my experience.

Stubborn1

I've got mine home sober now and I honestly don't know if THAT man will ever come back. Once you get him back he's not the same and you may not like who he has become. You'd be surprised once you get what you think you want.........it's not what you thought it would be. Then what? You ask him to change again? He may not be the person you thought he once was.
If you have it in your mind that a fairy tale is going to happen you are going to be disappointed.

Astro

Thanks for pointing that out Stubborn.

I'm nowhere even close to the man I was in my addiction. I'm definitely a better father, and I think I'll make a pretty good husband to my faince, but I'm not the drinking partner my ex met in the first place.

My ex made it pretty clear that it disgusted her to hear that I had a God of my understanding and that I wanted to live a spiritual life. She's pretty much an atheist so I think I freaked her out with that one!

sslusser

I would suggest to also prepare yourself for the other outcome as well. I thought for sure that my AW would realize what she was losing and straighten right up. Nope, she ran the other direction.