Should I take the boys?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Hi there,
My sister is an alcoholic and she has two boys, 12 and 9 years old, who have been raised, 'unofficially', by my parents for the last 6 years.
My sister, who divorced about 3 years ago, recently moved away from our home town to set up home with the love of her life, a guy she has known since she was 14, and she took the boys with her.
The whole family knew this would be a make or break situation for her and although we all hoped it would work out, deep down we knew things would probably end up falling apart at some point. Well, things have reached 'that point' and her soul mate is now calling my parents saying that he can't cope with her anymore. She is still in COMPLETE denial, and I know for a fact that she will blame the relationship break-up on him, because he's a 'neat-freak' and that's what will have caused the problems.
Anyway, the reason I need your help is because I know it will soon reach the point where she will have to leave him and take the boys with her. Problem is, she has nowhere to go as she has rented out her house and she could never stand to live with my parents.
Having cared for my newphews for more than six years, dealing with the emotional stresses of my sister's illness, working full-time and caring for my Nan who has had several strokes, my Mum nearly had a nervous breakdown.
So when things fall to pieces for my sister in the near future, what is going to happen to those boys? If they go back to my Mums, I think she'll fall to pieces, if they go they go with their Dad, my family believes they will be in a bad situation as he too has drinking problems and is currently in a pretty abusive relationship.
I think I should ask my husband if we can take the boys in to our family for a year, until my parents have had time to rest, recover their strength, and who knows, perhaps by then my sister will be in a better place; my parents plan to do an intervention soon. I know this is a big undertaking, and that there will be challenging time, but I have a strong family, great kids and I think we can do a good job.
Do you think it would do the boys good to have a year with their Auntie, Uncle and cousins, who would love them as their own and give them a good home? Or would it do them more harm than good, to go somewhere else for only a year before returning to my mum and dads? Should they be with their father, even if he does drink and fight all the time with his partner?
Your views would really help me as I'm confused about what is the best thing to do here.
Lost Sister
My sister is an alcoholic and she has two boys, 12 and 9 years old, who have been raised, 'unofficially', by my parents for the last 6 years.
My sister, who divorced about 3 years ago, recently moved away from our home town to set up home with the love of her life, a guy she has known since she was 14, and she took the boys with her.
The whole family knew this would be a make or break situation for her and although we all hoped it would work out, deep down we knew things would probably end up falling apart at some point. Well, things have reached 'that point' and her soul mate is now calling my parents saying that he can't cope with her anymore. She is still in COMPLETE denial, and I know for a fact that she will blame the relationship break-up on him, because he's a 'neat-freak' and that's what will have caused the problems.
Anyway, the reason I need your help is because I know it will soon reach the point where she will have to leave him and take the boys with her. Problem is, she has nowhere to go as she has rented out her house and she could never stand to live with my parents.
Having cared for my newphews for more than six years, dealing with the emotional stresses of my sister's illness, working full-time and caring for my Nan who has had several strokes, my Mum nearly had a nervous breakdown.
So when things fall to pieces for my sister in the near future, what is going to happen to those boys? If they go back to my Mums, I think she'll fall to pieces, if they go they go with their Dad, my family believes they will be in a bad situation as he too has drinking problems and is currently in a pretty abusive relationship.
I think I should ask my husband if we can take the boys in to our family for a year, until my parents have had time to rest, recover their strength, and who knows, perhaps by then my sister will be in a better place; my parents plan to do an intervention soon. I know this is a big undertaking, and that there will be challenging time, but I have a strong family, great kids and I think we can do a good job.
Do you think it would do the boys good to have a year with their Auntie, Uncle and cousins, who would love them as their own and give them a good home? Or would it do them more harm than good, to go somewhere else for only a year before returning to my mum and dads? Should they be with their father, even if he does drink and fight all the time with his partner?
Your views would really help me as I'm confused about what is the best thing to do here.
Lost Sister
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by LostSister 
I think I should ask my husband if we can take the boys in to our family for a year, until my parents have had time to rest, recover their strength,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Dear Blessed, thanks for your quick response. You're right of course, a lifetime commitment would be ideal, I'm just not sure that my husband will accept that kind of commitment, especially as we have to move around a lot with his job. I keep asking myself, is one year better than nothing?
Thanks for your help.
Lost Sister
Thanks for your help.
Lost Sister
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Lostsister -
welcome to SR-
While I believe any time, even a day, of sanity and sobriety and rational behavior is good for kids who are living in the upside down world of alcoholics - it is a big commitment you are talking about and you yourself may want to speak to a social worker or therapist about what sorts of problems will come your way that you may not be able to see right now.
Obviously your H will have to be on board too, and your kids - as like blessed4x said this will impact everyone in pretty powerful ways. There is a bunch of stuff on here from a woman who has done a similar thing- look up her posts "LucyA" - she has been sharing an amazing and difficult story...
No one here can honestly answer your question - it is your destiny, your decision, your families effort that will all come into play.
Whatever you decide, I can say from having grown up in an alcoholic home that if I had an Aunt who was offering me at least a picture of normalcy - who spoke to me frequently and consistently and called the insanity in my house what it was: "alcoholism," I think it would have helped me adjust and helped me not feel so alone, and weird, and ashamed, and angry. I could have used honest information, warmth, and support. So there is a wide range of "best things to do."
Keep posting - glad you are here and good luck!
B.
welcome to SR-
While I believe any time, even a day, of sanity and sobriety and rational behavior is good for kids who are living in the upside down world of alcoholics - it is a big commitment you are talking about and you yourself may want to speak to a social worker or therapist about what sorts of problems will come your way that you may not be able to see right now.
Obviously your H will have to be on board too, and your kids - as like blessed4x said this will impact everyone in pretty powerful ways. There is a bunch of stuff on here from a woman who has done a similar thing- look up her posts "LucyA" - she has been sharing an amazing and difficult story...
No one here can honestly answer your question - it is your destiny, your decision, your families effort that will all come into play.
Whatever you decide, I can say from having grown up in an alcoholic home that if I had an Aunt who was offering me at least a picture of normalcy - who spoke to me frequently and consistently and called the insanity in my house what it was: "alcoholism," I think it would have helped me adjust and helped me not feel so alone, and weird, and ashamed, and angry. I could have used honest information, warmth, and support. So there is a wide range of "best things to do."
Keep posting - glad you are here and good luck!
B.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Bernadette
There is a bunch of stuff on here from a woman who has done a similar thing- look up her posts "LucyA" - she has been sharing an amazing and difficult story...
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
LostSister,
It brings tears to my eyes that you are willing to do this for the boys. Why aren't there more people like you in the world? :ghug3
I think it might be a great experience for all involved - and I too would encourage you to talk with LucyA, as she has been an inspiration to all of us in this area.
Good luck with everything --
GL
It brings tears to my eyes that you are willing to do this for the boys. Why aren't there more people like you in the world? :ghug3
I think it might be a great experience for all involved - and I too would encourage you to talk with LucyA, as she has been an inspiration to all of us in this area.
Good luck with everything --
GL
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by LostSister
I'm just not sure that my husband will accept that kind of commitment, especially as we have to move around a lot with his job. I keep asking myself, is one year better than nothing?
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
They will be a handful at those ages (I have two boys myself and love them more then anything, but they tend to fight as brothers do sometimes), so if you decide to take them in make sure that you have plenty of support. Can you get help and support from your community and family if you need to take a break for a weekend? They may need counseling and some help dealing with some of the issues they've had to deal with too. Boys don't show it at that age, but they need plenty of TLC too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Bernadette, Lilyflower, Givelove, Blessed4x...thank you all (Blondie you too, your post came in as I was typing this so I've come back in to edit it!). This forum is amazing, and you are all too!
You all give such sound advice and food for thought, I will definitely take it all on board and follow up on your suggestions. LucyA sounds like a great lady and I will definitely check out her story.
Since my last posting, I've spoken to my husband and he seems very hesitant. I totally understand his reservations about it being such a big commitment, and I would never force his hand. I'll see if his thinking changes over the weeks to come. Things haven't hit rock bottom for my sister yet, so I figure we still have some time to work out the best solution for everyone.
Do any of you think I should reach out to my sister's soul-mate? Apparently, he has called my Mum a couple of times recently at his wits end. I don't want my sister to think I'm going behind her back, but a kind of think 'at this point - who cares!'. I'm no expert but I have been finding out as much as I can about alcoholism for the last 2-3 years and I could perhaps point him in the direction of some good resources so that he is better placed to help my sister if he gets the opportunity. I get the impression he is very unfamiliar with this disease.
Anyway, thanks again to you all. It really helps to discuss this stuff and get such helpful and supportive responses.
Take care everyone,
Lost Sister
You all give such sound advice and food for thought, I will definitely take it all on board and follow up on your suggestions. LucyA sounds like a great lady and I will definitely check out her story.
Since my last posting, I've spoken to my husband and he seems very hesitant. I totally understand his reservations about it being such a big commitment, and I would never force his hand. I'll see if his thinking changes over the weeks to come. Things haven't hit rock bottom for my sister yet, so I figure we still have some time to work out the best solution for everyone.
Do any of you think I should reach out to my sister's soul-mate? Apparently, he has called my Mum a couple of times recently at his wits end. I don't want my sister to think I'm going behind her back, but a kind of think 'at this point - who cares!'. I'm no expert but I have been finding out as much as I can about alcoholism for the last 2-3 years and I could perhaps point him in the direction of some good resources so that he is better placed to help my sister if he gets the opportunity. I get the impression he is very unfamiliar with this disease.
Anyway, thanks again to you all. It really helps to discuss this stuff and get such helpful and supportive responses.
Take care everyone,
Lost Sister
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Hi Lost Sister, if you've read my posts you'll know by now I have my brothers boy living with me because of his Dads drinking.
I can't tell you if you should take your sisters or not, that's a decision you and your family have to make together.
I don't have partner, so the decision was mine and my own two childrens to make. I did check with their dad even though he doesn't live with us, just to make sure he was OK with our boys being involved this way. I think you need your husband on board 100% before you make a decision, even though we all agreed Joe should come to stay with us the stress caused by having him here at first was unbelievable. Different routines, extra costs, the kids sharing rooms, and other issues I hadn't even thought of all took their toll. It's been hard work, it isn't just a case of finding a spare bed and making extra meals (although I'm sure you've though of that)
If you're thinking of looking after the boys for a year I have to say I personally wouldn't have looked at that as an option. I wanted Joe to come here to give him the stability and security an 11 year old needs (other reasons too) in my opinion a year isn't enough in our case. Also, I wouldn't let him go willingly now, after 9 months he's definately one of 'my' boys.
It's a big decision to make, and all the above is just my opinion, from my experiences. If you want to pm me or chat or anything I'm here.
I can't tell you if you should take your sisters or not, that's a decision you and your family have to make together.
I don't have partner, so the decision was mine and my own two childrens to make. I did check with their dad even though he doesn't live with us, just to make sure he was OK with our boys being involved this way. I think you need your husband on board 100% before you make a decision, even though we all agreed Joe should come to stay with us the stress caused by having him here at first was unbelievable. Different routines, extra costs, the kids sharing rooms, and other issues I hadn't even thought of all took their toll. It's been hard work, it isn't just a case of finding a spare bed and making extra meals (although I'm sure you've though of that)
If you're thinking of looking after the boys for a year I have to say I personally wouldn't have looked at that as an option. I wanted Joe to come here to give him the stability and security an 11 year old needs (other reasons too) in my opinion a year isn't enough in our case. Also, I wouldn't let him go willingly now, after 9 months he's definately one of 'my' boys.
It's a big decision to make, and all the above is just my opinion, from my experiences. If you want to pm me or chat or anything I'm here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, something stuck in my mind
'Things haven't hit rock bottom for my sister yet, so I figure we still have some time to work out the best solution for everyone'
maybe things haven't hit rock bottom for your sister yet, but maybe they have for the boys. I know my nephew didn't really say much about where he was at with hs dad, but he'd had enough, and it turned out to be more than enough when he did start telling us of his experiences. He saw, experienced and lived through things no 10 year old should.
It's maybe not my place to say stuff like that to you Lost Sister, I don't mean to concern you undully, you know your own family better than I do. It was on my mind that's all.
And maybe if it's decided that staying with you isn't the best option for your nephews, there are other options.
'Things haven't hit rock bottom for my sister yet, so I figure we still have some time to work out the best solution for everyone'
maybe things haven't hit rock bottom for your sister yet, but maybe they have for the boys. I know my nephew didn't really say much about where he was at with hs dad, but he'd had enough, and it turned out to be more than enough when he did start telling us of his experiences. He saw, experienced and lived through things no 10 year old should.
It's maybe not my place to say stuff like that to you Lost Sister, I don't mean to concern you undully, you know your own family better than I do. It was on my mind that's all.
And maybe if it's decided that staying with you isn't the best option for your nephews, there are other options.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Lost,
Quote by Lost -Do you think it would do the boys good to have a year with their Auntie, Uncle and cousins, who would love them as their own and give them a good home? Or would it do them more harm than good, to go somewhere else for only a year before returning to my mum and dads? Should they be with their father, even if he does drink and fight all the time with his partner?
My situation is pretty much the same as yours. I know my neice and nephew needed us when my Sister couldnt look after them. My mother couldnt take them due to circumstances, so we did. It is a huge commitment and it has been quite a strain on all of us but I couldnt of had it any other way. They are now so close to us and they love their mother. After all these years, she still claims I took them from her but I figure, if she didnt see the truth then, will she ever. Unfortunately, this addiction is all about them and my advice is to see that those little children are cared for no matter what anyone else thinks. It took along time for my neice and nephew to understand why their mum (didnt care) as they put it and I would just confirm with them that she was in a different place right now, not so well and things could turn out ok one day. For now, just be yourself and do things that make you happy. We made sure that happened.
So, yes if it is possible for you to care for them, go for it.
Quote by Lost -Do you think it would do the boys good to have a year with their Auntie, Uncle and cousins, who would love them as their own and give them a good home? Or would it do them more harm than good, to go somewhere else for only a year before returning to my mum and dads? Should they be with their father, even if he does drink and fight all the time with his partner?
My situation is pretty much the same as yours. I know my neice and nephew needed us when my Sister couldnt look after them. My mother couldnt take them due to circumstances, so we did. It is a huge commitment and it has been quite a strain on all of us but I couldnt of had it any other way. They are now so close to us and they love their mother. After all these years, she still claims I took them from her but I figure, if she didnt see the truth then, will she ever. Unfortunately, this addiction is all about them and my advice is to see that those little children are cared for no matter what anyone else thinks. It took along time for my neice and nephew to understand why their mum (didnt care) as they put it and I would just confirm with them that she was in a different place right now, not so well and things could turn out ok one day. For now, just be yourself and do things that make you happy. We made sure that happened.
So, yes if it is possible for you to care for them, go for it.
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