fastlane

I've discovered recently that I find it impossible to complete large-scale projects outside of a work or classroom setting.

The reason is simple: when I was in school, I had the goal of graduating high school, then going to college, then graduating college, then finding a job. But accomplishing these goals would not have been possible without intermediate goals. Gain the praise of the teacher for participating in class. Get an A on a quiz. Get an A on a test. Get an A on a paper.

Now that I'm in the workforce, I have no trouble doing a job, because I still have intermediate goals. Finish this Java class. Write a class diagram. And I get rewards by others praising my work.

But when it comes to doing any project besides school and work, I don't see the point. I want to write a novel, but that's a long, arduous process with no reward until it's finished, and no one whose praise I value to praise me.

I want to kick drugs, so I try setting goals for myself. Don't do speed tomorrow. Can't focus on ****, feel like ****, so I get drunk. Don't use any subtances tomorrow. Total brainlessness, complete inability to get **** done, paralyzing anxiety. Feeling that I'm worthless. Feeling that I'm going to have a heart attack when I lie down to sleep. Have to reach for an ativan or a beer.

The fact is there is absolutely no reward for this intermediate goal. In fact, if I try going a day sober I get punished for it. What's the point?

Detox? How do I explain that to my job? And if I do go to detox, and then kick drugs, who says my life will be any better? I'll be branded a druggy. Job-deserter. Untrustworthy addict.

I am an addict; I know this. So I guess I followed Step 1 of the 12-step Program. But that's where I part with Bill W. Higher powers? If this power is so great how come I have to ask him to lift me out of addiction? If he can lift me out of addiction once I acknowledge him then why do I have to follow 10 more steps? Why did Bill W think he knew what steps the higher power wanted me to follow? Why does this higher power want me to break my grandmother's heart by telling her I used to steal her pills and then asking her for her forgiveness? Why am I an addict in the first place if a higher power exists that can lift me out of it? If it's because of free will, then don't I have the free will to stop too, without a higher power?

I've been in group therapy before. I say I feel worthless for being an addict, and they tell me no, I'm not worthless. But they're addicts too. Aren't they really just trying to feel better about themselves?

I think it's all nonsense. But I've been up for 24 hours now on speed, so you probably think I'm all nonsense. At any rate the truth is I don't really care if I live or die. All I care about is that immediate reward. And if death is coming soon then so be it. I've lived and suffered too long anyway, and that's been going on since long before the drugs.

northbelle

Sorry bout what your going through...yeah sobriety and staying clean is NOT something that happens overnight....It is crazy when you are trying to get clean...you won't see the rewards of one day sober..just the pain you speak of..
We addicts are certainly seekers of the immediate relief..I want what I want...and I want it now. It took me 20 years to get to this point and it won't get better in a few weeks or months...
But I promise you ...it DOES get better...it sure beats living in the self center world of addiction...I thougth I deserved a "pain free" ticket in this world...and I almost killed myself seeking that....
You sound like you would like to get clean...and I hope that you can put aside any preconceved notions and resign from the debating committee for awhile...makes it easier...
We are here for you althoguh I don't have any profound answers...
My best thinking got me here..so I try to lay off when I can...trying to figure it all out you know??
Get some sleep my friend and know that we are here for you..
I hope you will give recovery a try..
love north

LuvBuckley

It may be that your feeling you need to accomplish an intermediate goal in order to succeed is contributing to your failure to stay clean. The need of that goal, in this case, sounds like the desire for the instant gratification. As an addict, I understand that.

But maybe, in sobriety, there is no path of least resistance. That path caused our demise in the first place. Getting clean is HARD WORK. And it does feel like punishment. But nothing worth doing comes easy.

In terms of the higher power, well, I have never expected that power to rid me of my addiction. I have asked for the the strength to get through the day. I have asked for the strength to love myself enough to want to stay clean.

fastlane

I guess my problem is I don't see things getting any better if I get clean. I was unhappy before I used drugs, and I'm unhappy now. Why should I expect to be happy if I get off them?

I've stopped deluding myself that doing more drugs will ease my pain; that I know is completely false. But I don't see why stopping drugs altogether is going to ease my pain either. If nothing else it'll prolong my life and give me a disposable income to spend on ******* TVs and BMWs and all that crap. So at best I can hope to live long enough to amass a bunch of possessions and then retire, but then what? Then I wait to die.

I just don't really see the point. Why don't I just wait to die now without going through all the ******** of buying houses and cars and fathering kids? I hope you don't think I'm suicidal; far from it. I just don't really see why I should bother prolonging my life and becoming part of society when for the most part society is full of crap anyway.

I hate my lifestyle but I also just don't see any value in the alternatives.

northbelle

I hear ya...It isn't always fun ..sometimes sobriety does suck..
But compared to the alternative? I made myself so miserable with dope...and please believe I have not AQUIRED alot of material stuff ...I am broke as ever...
But I am able to really care about other people today..I used to be focused just on myself and my own pain...I get "moments" of feeling like it all does make sense and it is not all just a waste...
It shard when you are in the eye of the storm I know...but humans are not meant to spend their livess pumping chemicals in their brains....there is higher purpose...at least that is what I have found..
love north
love north

Missybuns

Fastlane,

You are worthy

windysan

Life is meant to be enjoyed. I forget that sometimes and then things suck.

Sugah

Many of us see drugs as an outward symptom of an inward problem. But, without removing the drugs, most ways of treating the problem are ineffective. I spent ten years in therapy while drinking and drugging. I didn't get better or happier. I went to detox then spent 28 days in rehab. At that point, I was ready to work on the problem--me. I found my real treatment in a 12 step program, and finally, I found a way to be happy.

That's the short version.

I have a question: if you believe it's possible to feel happier, if you could discover "the point," would you be willing to try?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

emmer

I use because i can't face the future.

CatWings

I try to just make it a goal today to stay clean. When I do this, I reap the reward of having stayed clean.

I hear you, though. I have suffered from depression most of my life and I have the same feelings as you do at times. However, they are worse when I am using. It only exacerbates the problem and I can't remember when I last felt good.

But these moments do pass and there are bright spots behind the clouds and things can CHANGE.

I at least have a clearer head now and feel I have a chance to figure this depression stuff out either with medication and/or cognitive therapy, etc.. And believe me, I have some serious problems emotionally due to my past.

I am 42 and feel like I have been this way so far for so long. How am I ever going to change that?

I think I just try to take it a day at a time and work on it a day at a time. I just do my best. I figure if I do my best, I will make some progress, even if I have bad days. Progress is still progress in life and I think we are all trying to make progress. No one can take away your progress, even if you backslide - the progress you have made is still there.

I wish you the best of luck. Being an addict can seriously mess with your self-esteem not to mention your brain chemistry.

Just the fact that you are here says you have hope still and are willing for things to get better.

Hell, I thought about posting here several times over the last few years, but I guess I was not serious enough to do so. Now I am.

sickerthnothrs

sometimes you have to walk through darkness to be able to start to see the light...my only suggestion is that you open your mind and listen to what people that have suffered from addiction say...if you can go to inpatient, i would do so...but again, that means making a decision and getting ready for the ride of your life...
for me, ive been through hell...and picking up a drink or a drug would be going back to it...recovery is however possible, and today, a seemingly hopeless and helpless drug addict such as myself, is living a good life that is fulfilling on a daily basis, without having to use every 15 minutes the way i used to.

bval

welcome to SR.com fastlane.

before anything, I'm gonna ask my fellow members for a show of hands.

who among you here remembers THIS PHASE of active addiction that fastlane is going through?

the whole 'f**k it, life is bullsh*t and sucky anyways, might as well just do drugs til I die cause I don't CARE about life and material sh*t and blah, blah, blah' thing?

anyone else here remember this phase?

you are not alone, my friend, you are just in the grips of active addiction, and your brain is really not functioning normally right now. trust me on this.

let me just say, i'm not prone to sitting here, and trying to explain the twelve steps and Bill's 'logic', or NA/AA, or recovery in general to someone who's in the throes of active addiction, having been up for days on speed.

and that's mainly because buddy, I've been right where you are at, and thus I already know that NOTHING some random schmoe like me on a recovery board says is going to get through to you right now anyways.

one thing I can tell you for certain is that most of us got clean around here because we were forced to do so by circumstances, by fear, and by mounting losses.

and i can tell by your attitude that you are clearly not ready yet. that's not a knock on you, it's just my impression of the situation. cause again, I've been there. we've been there, all of us on here who are now clean.

and i can tell you that the reason you're not ready is that you haven't suffered enough, and your survival instinct hasn't kicked in yet.

at some point, you will have suffered enough, you will have LOST enough things that are important to you, and you'll be scared enough of dying from this disease, that your attitude about getting clean will change.

and when you get clean, your attitude about life WILL change. getting clean is too profound an experience to not change a person and their outlook on life. and it's almost always for the better.

and i hope I can be of service to you at that time. look me up. god willing, i'll still be around ...