Neverwanted

Was wondering about other people's experience here. Not everyone has a great support network or is so understanding to those of us who have been in love with or love an addict.

I have found some of my friends and family turn angry on me because I was trying to help him. They have been cruel in their criticism against me in my choice in a man calling me stupid, ignorant etc. Then the addicts family is completely in love with him - he can do no wrong../.and I got blamed from their side because he is an addict. They blamed his ex too.

I am no longer with him but I had to walk away. Even when he was not in my life anymore the people in my life were downright cruel.


i am in therapy and on antidepressants. Its a lonely existence. I make myself go out to exercise walk the dogs and looking for a new job - trying to stay busy. Go to movies and bookstores alone if I have to...I have reached out but its been tough since my trust in people has been broken


I want to know if I am the only one who has experienced this reaction from family and or friends...


have you gotten pretty down in the dumps and feel like you are just existing?

I know I have all this love and went above and beyond for him and for others././somehow I end up alone and abandoned.


Just feel so damned sad. The counselor says this is normal esp since the woman he cheated on me with committed suicide. I found a blog he left to her saying he misses her...he only knew her 3 wks. It was tough to read. I helped him through that all and I guess i am just now feeling the pain. Its horrible.

im sorry to complain. Its just always criticism from the way I drive to the way I dress from my kids.//and thats typical but not nice...and even though the rest are being rude and seem to revel in my misfortune, they dont have to be cruel.

Chino

Have you thought about telling these people they are cruel and a part of the problem, not the solution?

Stubborn1

There are two types of people in this world. The one's that have to tear you down so that they feel above you (they are actually pulling you down to their level) and then the one's who lift you up so you come up to where they are (with kindness).
Stay clear of the one's who tear you down. Some people can be intimidated or scared and that's why they do that junk. So instead of thinking you are being hurt think of them being the one's that are hurting or else they woudln't be so cruel. Anger is just misplaced fear so they are scared of something.
Stay away from them if you can.

whereami

I am in your situation now...my exab is living with his parents and they are rewarding him for abandoning me and his baby by taking him out buying him new clothes and setting him up in a new apt. They are just being manipulated and they have no clue he is not clean. Meanwhile I am struggling but you know what I have my angel and a good job and an honest set of friends and I will get through this...my family thinks Im crazy to grieve an addict and so I choose not to discuss it with them...when I need to vent I come here. I ask you this, why are the best people in the world shoved, pushed down and smushed? Because simply put we are the best and will be resilient and even thrive through all the bs and make a stronger and better life for ourselves. We also will counsel those who go through it and make sure that we are always there for our sisters and brothers in survival...just my opinion...

baxter

Aw Neverwanted !!- you sound kinda like where I usually am. Not quite good enough, yet always there to be used thinking someday! I really think there is a third group of people. They don't mean to hurt others in there quest to think better of themselves above others, they're just lost.

Neverwanted

TY I thought it was just me.

Chino - oh yes I have told them. Calmly. Quietly. His family was the worst in all of it. Similar to WHEREAMI's post - they applaud him for dumping the one person they used to say was the best thing that ever happened to him...I never wanted to be the best thing - should have been a red flag. I just wanted a mutual shared relationship. No one better than the other.

When I look back - I wonder why they would say that to me - now I know why. They put him up on a pedestal and psychologically tear him up once his gf at the time is gone. Its a bizarre dynamic. They dont want him with anyone...


When someone says you are the best thing to happen to somone - I wonder what it is that means for the other person.Are they any good for you ???

I didnt like it when one of his sisters ripped apart his ex wife in private to me. Has nothing to do with me or him. Now that I know how quickly they turn on him - I see how much she had to endure.

Its like we can pick on him but dont you even say a word that might intimate unacceptable. They would tear him apart to me when he was using and I brought it to their attn. God forbid anyone else try to help him for real instead of just talking about it. WHen he didnt want help I was the anti christ and shunned.

Eh - even my family was nice at first and then later told me I was an eff up for loving someone like that.

I just feel crappy and wondered if anyone else had experienced being treated like a dog when you really were being kind and trying to help. Its a weird dynamic. I guess because a lot about his family came out - the truth behind their own skeletons and their own battles with addiction. I suppose they felt ashamed and helpless. It is a family illness. Snorting your own kids atterol is a problem in my eyes. But I digress.

Baxter - yup. Same place. I had to push the ones who were hurting me to the side and basically restart from scratch. its hard.

Stubborn 1 I realize what you say is so true. Fear is the driving force prior to any attack. I dont want it. It hurts having to feel alone and the truth is, I am. I guess its how starting over begins. I wish it didnt feel so damned depressing.

TY for all your insights. Truly mean that. TY TY TY

Neverwanted

Why do you grieve an addict? I have been asked the same thing. i was operating on the premise that he was a good person and had all this love beneath the addiction and all the times were not horrid....but as the addiction worsened, the good times all but evaporated. WHile everyone else was either not aware or refused to confront his addiction, I told him I was there to support him through rehab but not through abuse and continued drug use. He was gung ho about rehab at first but as dealing with it continued, the rehab was only the tip of the iceberg. The real work lay ahead. Twas too much for him.

Why do we grieve them? How could we not? Sure we have been treated like poo at times../.but there is the kinder gentler spirit who sees the person as a whole and fell for all parts good and bad. Im not condoning staying if its not warranted, but I do not applaud disrespect and back turning on those who cared enough to stay as long as they did.

For us, our work is a long road to recovering from not just the addict, but those who would shun or taunt us for having tried to love an addict.


Namaste.