genrs123

I have a genuine desire to work on myself. In addition to CODA mtgs, working an al anon program w/ sponsor, medication, counseling, and when i can reading self help boosk and trying to take care of myself.

but i just dont know if i am working on myself!!!! I want to make sure I am doing everything possible (although the above is enough, and i do have graduate school, a job, a band, and - surprisingly, a social life to add!)

i really want to get through this.
although i have gone through worse, the breakup of my AXBF (off and on of 8 yrs) was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to me.

i felt a lot of guilt when we broke up, and while i dont want to beg him back since he has no intention of working on himself or addiction, at times ive considered begging. even though since i broke up with him (which was mutual- and the reasons it was mutual are the reasons i have guilt)- he has not once begged me except maybe for "friendship" because i wanted No Contact.... which actually hurt my feelings that he wanted to be "just" friends...

i still have compulsive and obsessive thoughts about him. i still think of trying to get back together, as if i could somehow tolerate the things that really perterbed me. this site has helped me stay grounded and with a rational perspective. but still, i didnt know i could miss someone or hurt this much.

with that said, i know the only thing i can do is work on myself. lets just say i hope its right when others say "it works if you work it".

Bornwet

this disease just sucks us all in doesn't it? we don't even have the addiction yet we suffer horribly...

self inflicted wounds...

this is what worked for me:
- no contact (no emails, phone, etc)
- read and practiced "A new Earth" and "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle

reading (or listening to) these 2 books have made a huge difference in my life - in all aspects of my life

i also watched the move "Peaceful Warrior" - along with the books it pulled it all together for me

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ToughChoices

For me, self-improvement involves picturing my life, as I desire it to be, and taking steps to make that picture my reality.

For example: I desire to be financially independent and successful. When I lived with my AH I let him handle all of our long-term financial planning, so I never developed a working knowledge of investing. Now I'm reading about personal finance and setting a budget. I'm saving for my retirement. I'm planning my own financial future.

I desire to be accomplished and respected in my field. When I lived with my AH I put my career goals behind his. I told myself that I would move wherever he would be happy. Now I'm taking on additional assignments, networking, and considering the direction I really want for my career. I'm going to apply for positions that I previously considered outside my reach.

I desire to be a giving and generous person. When I lived with AH I poured all of my giving spirit into him. Now I'm volunteering for organizations that I believe in and setting aside part of my income to donate to worthy causes.

I desire to be healthy and well-balanced. When I lived with AH much of my drive and energy were dedicated to the drama of our relationship and my desire to see him sober. Now I make time to run in the mornings while I listen to some great music. I plan nourishing meals that I will enjoy cooking and eating. I reward myself every now and then with a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine, some really good cheese.

Bottom line is this: I wanted a man to make my life good and happy. I wanted him to give me my dreams.

Today I give them to myself!

Best of luck to you on this journey, genrs123! It's exciting to find yourself!
-TC

cassandra2

I understand how you feel because I keep switching from trying to take care of myself and the kids and then switch just as fast to trying to anticipate what is gonna happen with my exabf.

I dont know what to tell you to do. I am running around in circles myself. I try to concentrate on this or that and then find myself getting out of control with my thoughts. I too would like my exabf to come home and be with his family and live the life we once had but right now that is impossible. Right now he is not making any effort to take care of himself and make himself better.

That is the thing that hurts the most in this situation. Watching him make these plans that I know are just BS and knowing that until he addresses the real issues with HIMSELF he will go NO WHERE. I suspect that he is on more then the scripts he gets because now he is having SERIOUS money isssues.

I keep asking myself how long can this go on. How long will the suffering continue. I went almost no contact and now he isnt calling or texting and I cant decide if that hurts more then the web spinning he was running on me. How sick is that?

Each day I think things will get better and in some ways they do but in ALOT of ways they dont. I am still holding out hope that he will crash and burn and then we can move forward. I am having a hard time moving forward without him. Is it over? Is he really gone? Never coming back?

Today isnt a good day. Maybe tomorrow will be.

genrs123

I am almost 3 months into NC except one birthday email, (i didnt respond to the response) and one response to his request to do lunch, i didnt even respond to his response even though i want to. part of me wants to keep the communication lines open though because there is a part of me that thinks maybe we could "just" be friends one day, and i can be a better friend. but probably not, he is my first love and ive never seen him as platonic before.

Also, I have a New Earth- but never read it. Should I read Power of the Now first, or does it matter?

Ive also never heard of that movie- but i'll look into it.

genrs123

I understand. I told him i wanted NO CONTACT whatsoever, and repeatedly told him until finally i just ignored him completly. when he finally stopped, it broke my heart EVEN THOUGH i should be thankful he was respecting my boundaries. It might not help, but sometimes i think this is an act he is doing -because- he loves me, and not because he doesnt.

I too hold on for the hope, and have a hard time moving forward. What has helped me was to do constructive things to stay busy. It is really, really, hard though. I just miss him.

genrs123

I loved all of this. I want those things too and in some ways have been working slowly towards them. i feel reconnected and will keep trying!

GiveLove

genrs,

I love TC's post too. I think that's something we ALL should do...write down the kind of life we want, with details like hers. That's truly what "working on ourselves" means.....realizing that we are a separate, distinct, unique human being with our own hopes and dreams, not some siamese twin attached to an alcoholic and being jerked around by his/her actions.

Making lists like hers saved my life, and has made me one of the happiest people I know on this planet or any other.

What kind of life do YOU want? You say it's a lot like TC's, but what would you add to it? You can even copy/paste/edit/write it here if it helps...we're a great sounding board and I'm sure it would make for a great discussion starter.

Plus we'd love to know you better!

Bornwet

the order will make no difference at all - i actually did "a new earth" first

seriously, reading and practicing what these books have to say - will change everything... but like the author says in the begining of "a new earth" - some people are not ready for it


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lizw

Dunno about anyone else but I can tend to be a bit obsessive about 'getting well'. I think fear probably fuels it as I never want to 'end up hurting like that ever again.'

Like yourself I've a sponsor and a program etc, etc but I've also found it very hard to learn to relax and have fun.

It's all learning.

genrs123

I REALLY wish that was my obsession instead of other people. HOW do you learn to obsess.. what do you do. i really wnt to be there. im having a hard time. i feel like i pick up on obessions quickly, some are just healthier than others.

lizw

I believe I can control and enjoy life, that is my obssession.

I believe certain things should happen at a certain time of day and that
certain people should treat me a certain way and I have other OCD thoughts.

For example, every second Monday I attend a public speaking group but I also have health issues that can flare up making me unable to go and rather than just notifying the right person i will not be attending and leaving it at that, I question myself for the rest of the evening about whether I am really that sick and maybe if I'd just taken better care of myself the day before I'd be able to go but then I could take better care of myself the day beofre because something else happened that was related to something else and I should have done something but I didn't and then....etc...

When I accept life as it unfolds, my life is generally peaceful and serene when I start trying to force things to happen no matter how well meaning I am it never works!

And how do I do this? I stop believing everything I think.