Any suggestions?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Any suggestions?
I need to learn to deal better with my pride/ego, here is the issue, not major, but it does bug me, every time one of my sponsee's share I can not stop myself from thinking to myself that what my sponsee shares is a direct reflection of me and foolishly sit there wondering if folks who know I am sponsoring that guy are judging me by what my sponsee's share!
I know that it is my self centerdness and the only time I have ever had anyone say a thing to me negative about a sponsee was one time when one of my sponsee's share sounded as though he was giving a lecture instead of sharing his own ESH. I pulled him aside after the meeting and asked him what he would have thought if he had been a newcomer and heard his own share? He looked at me and said "Damn!!! I was giving a lecture instead of sharing my ES&H!" We both had a good laugh and the guy who said something to me about his share said "Did you talk to XXXXXX after that share?" I laughed and said "Yep, he knew he lectured the second I mentioned it to him.
Does anyone else feel discomfort when one of their sponsee's share? How do you all deal with it? I have been praying about it, I plan on talking to my sponsor about it even though I am pretty sure I know what he is going to say........ "Martin trust me it is not all about you and no one is keeping score or judging you by your sponsee's."
I know that it is my self centerdness and the only time I have ever had anyone say a thing to me negative about a sponsee was one time when one of my sponsee's share sounded as though he was giving a lecture instead of sharing his own ESH. I pulled him aside after the meeting and asked him what he would have thought if he had been a newcomer and heard his own share? He looked at me and said "Damn!!! I was giving a lecture instead of sharing my ES&H!" We both had a good laugh and the guy who said something to me about his share said "Did you talk to XXXXXX after that share?" I laughed and said "Yep, he knew he lectured the second I mentioned it to him.
Does anyone else feel discomfort when one of their sponsee's share? How do you all deal with it? I have been praying about it, I plan on talking to my sponsor about it even though I am pretty sure I know what he is going to say........ "Martin trust me it is not all about you and no one is keeping score or judging you by your sponsee's."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Well yes, it is your pride and ego Taz. 
Also some element of a controlling impulse?
Your job as a sponsor is to guide people through the steps, share your ES&H and be supportive, yes?
You are not responsible for your every little thing your sponsees do.
Cliche time!
It is none of your business what other people think of you...or your sponsees.
Also some element of a controlling impulse?Your job as a sponsor is to guide people through the steps, share your ES&H and be supportive, yes?
You are not responsible for your every little thing your sponsees do.
Cliche time!
It is none of your business what other people think of you...or your sponsees.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Paul I totally agree with you, it is really weird, I don't experience these feelings any where else in my life, just when one of my sponsee's share! LOL I still have a lot of work to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Taz...i can only speak from the other side of this.....i struggle to share in meetings that my sponsor is at for fear I will reflect badly on her...although we work VERY DIFFERENT programs and are not reflective of each other on the surface.
I don't mention who my sponsor is very often even one on one with others. I get real tired of teh people in meetings constantly going my sponsor this my sponsor that my sponsor my sponsor....its as if they have no esh of their own but just repeat wht their sponsor tells them.....
don't know where that rant came from but thanks taz...i obvously needed to get tht out.....:ghug
I don't mention who my sponsor is very often even one on one with others. I get real tired of teh people in meetings constantly going my sponsor this my sponsor that my sponsor my sponsor....its as if they have no esh of their own but just repeat wht their sponsor tells them.....
don't know where that rant came from but thanks taz...i obvously needed to get tht out.....:ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Gezz, you are only human! :0
Ananda I hear ya, when I speak of my sponsor in a share I do not use his name, I simply say "Sponsor".
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Taz,
you make me Lol
yes, I have cringed when Sponsees share, I have cringed when they raise their hand, and I have always been delighted when 99.99% of the time it's a good share.
I had a sponsee share once at a "nooner", it was a big meeting and everyone knew I was his sponsor, and he looks relaxed, he's got this big grin, he raises his hand, get's called on, then he shares he just stopped at a "massage parlor" on his way to the meeting, and how relaxed he was, and "how good it was for his sobriety" and how his sponsor told him it was OK, because "no new relationships in your first year" was the rule, so he figured "getting his needs met" at a "massage parlor" was OK according to his sponsor, so he shared what a great guy I was, and recommended to the men in early sobriety that they try it (go to a massage parlor) when they got stressed out.
I don't know if my face has ever been so red in my life.
strictly speaking he was right, but OMFG
I handle sponsees and sharing the way it was handled with me, except I was literally grabbed by the ear mid share and dragged out of the room 10-15 times in early sobriety by my Grandsponsor, who literally got sober in WWII.
Socratic questioning.
Can you teach these people how to drink?
Theres some people in there with 20-30 years, can you teach them how to stay sober?
If not I may want to consider shutting my F'ing mouth
I was told to STFU until I :
A) worked the twelve steps
B) had a year of sobriety
C) was thirty years old
(I was in my mid/late twenties when I got sober)
That was clearly unrealistic, so I modified that a bit for my sponsees, and just made some "suggestions"
A) are you asking for help?
B) are you offering "solution" to a specific problem? and sharing your "specific" experience strength and hope with a specific situation?
C) have you finished your steps?
D) are you offering specific experience with a step?
or are you sharing your "vast wisdom" and "talking out of your a$$" ?
I think the only "specific" "rule" or "strong suggestion" I really lay down is I never ever ever want to ever hear them begin a share with: well I don't have any experience with this but: begin off topic monologue
I also point out to them that when I "pontificated" and shared my vast wisdom in early sobriety, all I was doing was being an example of "how not to do it" and proving that old adage "it's better to sit and be quiet and have people think you are a fool, then open your mouth and remove all doubt" and make no mistake, when I shot my mouth off in early sobriety I was proving beyond the shadow of a doubt to the whole room my stupidity, which I did frequently, then, yet again, out would shoot Irv's hand, grab my ear, out in the courtyard for another a$$chew.
God he was a terrifying man.
Anyhow, I think you handled it perfectly, by using Socratic questioning and sharing my own experience as a complete moron, of which I have more then ample examples, I can usually guide my sponsees to a certain extent in what "sharing" really means, and what it's for, and how to "do it" properly, then it's out of my hands, and I need to just "let go".
This whole process is just yet another way sponsees "add" to my life by teaching me about myself, you know? and the thing is, it's relatively painless.
you make me Lol
yes, I have cringed when Sponsees share, I have cringed when they raise their hand, and I have always been delighted when 99.99% of the time it's a good share.
I had a sponsee share once at a "nooner", it was a big meeting and everyone knew I was his sponsor, and he looks relaxed, he's got this big grin, he raises his hand, get's called on, then he shares he just stopped at a "massage parlor" on his way to the meeting, and how relaxed he was, and "how good it was for his sobriety" and how his sponsor told him it was OK, because "no new relationships in your first year" was the rule, so he figured "getting his needs met" at a "massage parlor" was OK according to his sponsor, so he shared what a great guy I was, and recommended to the men in early sobriety that they try it (go to a massage parlor) when they got stressed out.
I don't know if my face has ever been so red in my life.
strictly speaking he was right, but OMFG
I handle sponsees and sharing the way it was handled with me, except I was literally grabbed by the ear mid share and dragged out of the room 10-15 times in early sobriety by my Grandsponsor, who literally got sober in WWII.
Socratic questioning.
Can you teach these people how to drink?
Theres some people in there with 20-30 years, can you teach them how to stay sober?
If not I may want to consider shutting my F'ing mouth
I was told to STFU until I :
A) worked the twelve steps
B) had a year of sobriety
C) was thirty years old
(I was in my mid/late twenties when I got sober)
That was clearly unrealistic, so I modified that a bit for my sponsees, and just made some "suggestions"
A) are you asking for help?
B) are you offering "solution" to a specific problem? and sharing your "specific" experience strength and hope with a specific situation?
C) have you finished your steps?
D) are you offering specific experience with a step?
or are you sharing your "vast wisdom" and "talking out of your a$$" ?
I think the only "specific" "rule" or "strong suggestion" I really lay down is I never ever ever want to ever hear them begin a share with: well I don't have any experience with this but: begin off topic monologue
I also point out to them that when I "pontificated" and shared my vast wisdom in early sobriety, all I was doing was being an example of "how not to do it" and proving that old adage "it's better to sit and be quiet and have people think you are a fool, then open your mouth and remove all doubt" and make no mistake, when I shot my mouth off in early sobriety I was proving beyond the shadow of a doubt to the whole room my stupidity, which I did frequently, then, yet again, out would shoot Irv's hand, grab my ear, out in the courtyard for another a$$chew.
God he was a terrifying man.
Anyhow, I think you handled it perfectly, by using Socratic questioning and sharing my own experience as a complete moron, of which I have more then ample examples, I can usually guide my sponsees to a certain extent in what "sharing" really means, and what it's for, and how to "do it" properly, then it's out of my hands, and I need to just "let go".
This whole process is just yet another way sponsees "add" to my life by teaching me about myself, you know? and the thing is, it's relatively painless.
Last edited by Ago; 11-05-2008 at 07:40 AM.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
you could attend meetings sans sponsees.
or
go to the john when they begin to share.
What is going to happen to you
when a s sponsee returns to drinking?
Are you going to consider that is a
failure on your role as a sponsor?
Sponsors are mentors for Step work
anything else is not sponsorship.
IMO
I'm with Ron on this...Inventory time
you could attend meetings sans sponsees.
or
go to the john when they begin to share.
What is going to happen to you
when a s sponsee returns to drinking?
Are you going to consider that is a
failure on your role as a sponsor?
Sponsors are mentors for Step work
anything else is not sponsorship.
IMO
I'm with Ron on this...Inventory time
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,192
Can't add much Taz.......but I know what you mean.......no matter what a sponsee does it's their program, not a reflection of mine, it ain't about me. But in addition to what everyone else has suggested I practice and work on humility more than anything. Dr. Bob had a plaque on his desk that said it all......
Humility is …
‘Perpetual quietness of heart.
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Higher Power in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.’”
Humility is …
‘Perpetual quietness of heart.
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Higher Power in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.’”
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
then he shares he just stopped at a "massage parlor" on his way to the meeting, and how relaxed he was, and "how good it was for his sobriety" and how his sponsor told him it was OK,
Carol one of the things I love about this board is I can do a form of a 5th step when I find myself with my head to big or in my butt!!!!
Thanks to all of you, funny how knowing the answer for me just does not add up all the time, but hearing the answer from others it makes sense to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
every time one of my sponsee's share I can not stop myself from thinking to myself that what my sponsee shares is a direct reflection of me and foolishly sit there wondering if folks who know I am sponsoring that guy are judging me by what my sponsee's share!
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
At a meeting I was at one night, a lady I sponsered was present and when she spoke she told the biggest pile of porkies (lies) I have ever heard out of anyone I have ever sponsored.
I was speechless which is unusal for me these days. Lol.
I went home and rang my sponsor who told me some are sicker than others and there wasn't a dam thing I could do about it, except keep on with the steps with her and offer my ESH. She has other problems besides alcoholism.
I think what others have said is right, what other people think about you is none of your business. You may want to ask yourself if you judge other people by what their sponsees share too....
What I loath is when people annouce you in meetings as their saviour. I.e. and it was Liz that came to my house that day and took me to a meeting and I am so grateful etc...etc...
I think it is quite manipulative and showy. Personally I'd prefer a xmas card and there is one woman in particular who stole money off me, and rather than annoucing her gratitude for me in meetings, I'd prefer the money back thank you very much!
I was speechless which is unusal for me these days. Lol.
I went home and rang my sponsor who told me some are sicker than others and there wasn't a dam thing I could do about it, except keep on with the steps with her and offer my ESH. She has other problems besides alcoholism.
I think what others have said is right, what other people think about you is none of your business. You may want to ask yourself if you judge other people by what their sponsees share too....
What I loath is when people annouce you in meetings as their saviour. I.e. and it was Liz that came to my house that day and took me to a meeting and I am so grateful etc...etc...
I think it is quite manipulative and showy. Personally I'd prefer a xmas card and there is one woman in particular who stole money off me, and rather than annoucing her gratitude for me in meetings, I'd prefer the money back thank you very much!
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,907
yep Taz,been there in the past
today I figure I ain`t in charge of what they may think or say...unless...it looks like they are way out there and may drink or go berserk and do something crazy like take their clothes off and run around the room naked...lol
then we may have a little chat
most of the time I just let it ride,besides,in a week,everyone probably will forget what they said,unless they talk about massage parlors
today I figure I ain`t in charge of what they may think or say...unless...it looks like they are way out there and may drink or go berserk and do something crazy like take their clothes off and run around the room naked...lol
then we may have a little chat
most of the time I just let it ride,besides,in a week,everyone probably will forget what they said,unless they talk about massage parlors
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
You may want to ask yourself if you judge other people by what their sponsees share too....
What I loath is when people annouce you in meetings as their saviour. I.e. and it was Liz that came to my house that day and took me to a meeting and I am so grateful etc...etc...
in a week,everyone probably will forget what they said,unless they talk about massage parlors
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